Hello my lovely readers! I've been MIA for a bit but life happens so...forgive me? I am back with this...strong T story? Didn't hit M so whatever. I enjoyed this a lot, with a special thanks to both Liz and Kala (thedorkmistress) for reading this over and helping me out. I advise listening to John Legend's "Tonight" on repeat, I've heard it helps lol. It inspired me so do it! Otherwise, enjoy and review.

Also, beware the fact that this is bordering on M at some parts. If you aren't into that, TURN BACK NOW. But if you enjoy it, welcome to the party.

Present

Pulling him down on top of her, Carter sighed as his large hands fumbled for the zipper on the side of her skirt. His hands were idle for the most part, struggling but finally freeing her from her skirt as she lifted her hips to aid him in his unsure movements. She sighed as his lips slid over her skin, his cool hands on her thighs as she made slow work of the buttons on his shirt. His teeth scraped against her neck and she gasped in surprise; she wasn't fond of men leaving marks on visible skin so she shifted so he went back to kissing her again. His tongue licked at her lips quickly and he didn't pull her to him like she expected. He was loosely covering her body and his hands stayed on her bare thighs, and all she wanted was for him to take control and give her more. She needed him to be more aggressive, if only because she felt as if she were doing most of the work. It wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be, but it just wasn't what she was used to. She felt the skin of his chest under her fingertips as she leaned up against him on the bed to pull her shirt over her head, knowing that he'd take too long. She sighed as he finally rested his chest against hers, their warm skin brushing as he leaned down to kiss her leisurely, and she wanted to growl in frustration. She placed her hands on his lower back and brought their lower bodies into firm contact and she moaned lowly, the friction helping to relax her a bit. He sat up and just stared down at her as she exhaled slowly, meeting his eyes in silent question.

"Joss, are you sure you want to do this tonight?" he asked slowly, and she relaxed on her bed in silent anxiety. She did want this, but for all of the wrong reasons. She wanted his lips and hands everywhere, if only to erase the memories of another set of lips and hands that had left their mark on her before. She lurched up and kissed him softly, urging his body back down on top of hers.

"Of course I want this tonight, you're all I want…Eric" she replied in between kisses, keeping the tears at bay as she got better acquainted with her boyfriend of a month.

Present

Sitting at the kitchen counter, John ran a tired hand through his hair as he looked out the window and down on New York. He sighed as he got up from his stool, crossing his arms over his bare chest as he looked down on the city streets and the flurry of people rushing off to one place or another. He leaned his forehead against the window and closed his eyes, feeling the guilt creep up on him just like it always did the morning after. He winced as he remembered last night, knowing that what happened between them was similar to that of a forbidden tryst. He'd wanted it at the time, but the second she fell asleep he couldn't close his eyes for fear of seeing her face and hearing her voice in his head.

He lay next to her and turned to watch her hair fan over her pillow, her chest rising and falling rhythmically and he could feel his chest get heavier until he felt like he was suffocating. He climbed out of bed slowly and pulled on his boxers and jeans and sat in her kitchen, watching the night fade and the sun rise, smiling sadly as the sky turned an orange pink with the promise of morning.

The morning was always their favorite time together; he enjoyed waking up next to her and watching the sun graze her skin as her eyes fluttered to life. The smile she'd give him made his heart stutter and he made it a habit to kiss her forehead, never her lips when he finally left. It was supposed to be a one-time thing between them, but they should have known better than that.

Feeling more than hearing her enter the kitchen, he shook the thoughts from his mind and waited for her to come to him. She always came to him, it wasn't ever about the chase and that was something he wasn't accustomed to. He felt her nails well before he felt the skin of her fingertips on his sides, and that was another startling discovery. He liked feeling a woman's skin on his, her gentle fingertips exploring his chest, but her nails were long and he felt the cool difference every time she dug them into his shoulders or back. He tried to relax as he felt her hair brush the skin of his back, her head resting on his bicep as she looked around him and out onto the horizon.

"What is it with you and the early morning John? You know how much I hate anything that's before ten am and hinders my having a good cup of coffee" she said lowly, her smoky voice still tinged with sleep as he sighed once again. He didn't have to be reminded how she hated the mornings; he was clear on whom enjoyed the rising of the sun on her day off more than he cared to admit.

"I know Zoe, there's just something about the sun rising that I've loved for a while," he admitted, and he turned to gather her in his arms. She cocked an eyebrow at him and his heart dropped for a second; Joss used to wear that same expression when she was planning something and it snapped something in him. He dropped his arms and stepped back, looking at her in a way she wasn't used to.

"John, something bothering you?" she asked, staring him down as he dropped his eyes quickly before plastering on a smile and going to kiss her cheek.

"Nothing, just tired I think. Breakfast?" he questioned, walking away from her gaze and keeping his mind on Zoe, and doing his best to ignore the fact that she paled to Joss in every way that mattered.

3 Months Earlier

The first time really was supposed to be the first and only time. She kept telling herself over and over that it was a one-time thing, but nothing with John was meant to stop at the first time. She sat in her room alone, finally collapsing on her bed after her nightmare. The nights weren't so bad usually, but when she came across a kidnapping case as of late, her mind instantly went into a panic until she physically saw Taylor. She remembers the night she got a call that "badass" John had him and she felt her chest relax a bit because she knew he was safe. Being with John was the safest place for him that night, and it turned out that it was for her as well. That next day, the first and only thing Taylor had wanted after a lunch with her was to spend the night with his grandmother. She felt the beginnings of tears at the fierceness of the hug he'd given her, and the way her mother's eyes seemed to light up with life at the emotion from her grandson. Her mother tilted her head at Joss and nodded, making it clear that she wanted her time with Taylor. She should have been put off that she was ultimately told to go make herself scarce, but the softness of her mother's gaze as she looked her over made her want to burst into tears. Her mother knew her too well, and with that came the ability to know that she looked like hell. She walked up to her son still hugging his grandmother and kissed the side of his head, telling them that she'd be by in the morning for breakfast. It hurt to leave him, but she knew it was what was best for him, not what she wanted that mattered right now.

Getting back to her house, she wasn't nearly as shocked as she should have been that John was siting on her steps with his hands laced in front of him on his knees. He looked at her as she approached and she bit her lip at the torn expression on his face. He looked lost for the first time since she'd known him and it tugged at her heart a bit. It was because of her son that John looked confused and hurt, and it pained her to watch him turn in on himself. She walked up to him and motioned to her door, a small smile on her lips.

"Why not just wait inside for me? You do have the ability to get inside" she said softly, and he looked at her for a long moment before replying.

"I don't deserve your sympathy Carter. I swore he'd be protected and I failed him and you" he murmured, his eyes far away.

"Get inside John, we're not doing this outside"

She walked inside and stripped off her coat, placing it over the back of her couch as she stood before him in a button up white shirt and dress slacks. She walks over to where he stood behind the closed door, frozen to the spot with only what could be described as a heartbroken expression. She puts her hands on his shoulders and pushed the coat off his shoulders, his body compliant as she ran her hands lightly over his arms to take the coat from him. He looked over her shoulder where she knew he knew Taylor's room was and sighed as she saw the way his jaw clenched in anger at himself.

"John he's safe," she pointed out, waiting for the thought to register with him. It didn't.

"Carter, he could have been killed…" he whispers brokenly, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. She could feel the tears threaten to spill again, but she was determined to be strong, for him.

"John, he's fine," she whispers back, placing her hands on his shoulders to pull his focus to her.

"But Carter he-" he was cut off by her bringing his face to level with hers, their breath mingling with the heavy emotions of the last forty-eight hours. She spoke close to his lips, nearly brushing his as she spoke.

"He's alive John"

"Joss, I promised you-" this time she kissed him lightly to shut him up, but all it did was make him place his hands on her hips to keep her close; to reassure him that both her and Taylor were still breathing.

"John, Taylor's-" now it was his turn to kiss her, slightly longer this time. He could feel the way her body relaxed into him as he cupped her face. He felt raw and the only think that kept him anchored was the feeling of her in his arms. Nothing mattered outside of her, not now. Not when he needed someone so badly, when he needed her so desperately.

"Joss, I'm-" he kisses her, his lips pulling her lower lip into his mouth to taste it briefly.

"John, I know-" she kisses him, her tongue licking his bottom lip as she held onto his biceps tightly now, refusing to let him pull away.

"Joss, please" he pleaded, pulling her to him urgently as he licked her bottom lip tenderly, feeling her mouth open to him as he skillfully slipped his tongue into her mouth, swallowing her gasp. She started to walk backwards towards her bedroom, never pulling far away from him, refusing to lose the connection they were sharing tonight. He followed her, kissing her as he slowly unbuttoned her shirt, gently pushing it off her shoulders as she did the same to him. He growled lowly in his throat as she pulled away from his mouth to push his undershirt up and over his head, letting it land on her hallway floor as they continued their way to her bed. He gripped her hips firmly as she ran her fingertips over his stomach, the light scratching sensual in conjunction with the warmth of her fingers. He placed his lips on her ear, running his lips down until he hit the sensitive spot just under her ear, flicking his tongue there just to hear the way she sighed his name. He then ran his teeth over the outside of her shoulder, enjoying the way she trembled in his arms. He wouldn't mark her blatantly, but he would give her something to remember him in the morning. She was becoming an addiction, one he'd gladly support.

"John please" she moaned as his lips and tongue made their way south, dipping in between her breasts still clad in a bra as they stood next to her bed. He stopped and looked down at her, watching the way her eyes slowly opened, naked lust and need for him in her eyes.

"Joss…"

"John, it doesn't have to be more than it is," she says, and he watches her for any sign of deception. When he finds none, he goes in and kisses her tenderly once again, keeping it light as they eased into a rhythm. She sighed as he pulled away, only to kiss her again before he speaks.

"Just this once?" he questions, pushing her gently down onto her bed as he crawled to hover over her.

"Just this once" she agreed, pulling his body down onto her as he kissed her with more urgency, slowly unbuttoning her pants as she slipped the belt off of his. He caressed her skin as he kissed every inch of it, loving her completely, even if it was just for one night…or so she thought.

1 Month Later

The next time wasn't what he'd like to think of as a mistake. He could never think that anything intimate with Joss was a mistake, but he shouldn't have been so weak. They'd been drinking, and it wasn't supposed to happen again. Just as she promised, it hadn't been a big deal after they first slept together; business was the usual. The only thing he could pinpoint as different was the way he was more in tune to her in almost every way. He knew when she was angry, tired, or hungry, and in return he let her in a little. He guessed that was what made this different. He'd had casual sex before, but it didn't ever feel like this. It never felt like coming home. He never felt that fulfilled. It almost seemed wrong to be allowed to feel that way about her.

They had been out at a bar, a weekly ritual after their first time, and it had been different that night when he thought about it. The energy was different, the way they acted was different, it was almost as if they were sharing their own secret with each other that excluded the rest of the world. They'd thrown back a few beers and flirted like they always did, but were able to drag it out until almost three in the morning. They were nowhere near drunk, but a pleasant buzz had kept them preoccupied with one another for hours on end. As they began walking out of the bar, she had asked to see where he stayed all this time, and for some odd reason, he agreed. He wanted to let her into his life, if only because her and Taylor had already wormed their way into his heart. He felt he owed her something, something he was only willing to share with her for all that she has now willingly shared with him.

He brought her up to his apartment and she shed her coat, once again revealing the best thing about this particular night to him once again; she was in a dress. Not just a normal dress, but this halter dress that fell to her knees, the only thing keeping it on is the knot right behind her neck. The only thing that he could focus on was undoing the knot and exploring her body again. It was becoming an increasingly distracting thought. She got close to him, grabbing the lapels of his coat to bring him down to eye level with her. He got this feeling of Déjà vu, but pulled her closer, feeling the thin fabric as the only thing between him and her smooth skin.

"Remember when you asked for just that one time…" she questioned, and he immediately knew what she was referring to. He nodded slightly as his hands splayed across her lower back, kneading the muscles there as he felt her unwind under his fingers.

"I'm asking now John," she stated, looking him in the eye as all the air left his lungs. He savored the memory of them together in his mind when he felt the urge to go to her, respecting the fact that it was "just that one time". He was now getting another chance, and he'll be damned if he would let it slip away.

"You never have to ask," he breathes, capturing her lips as his right hand makes its way into her hair before he starts to untie the knot of her dress. She groans into his mouth as she pushed his jacket off his shoulders, immediately bypassing his shirt for the belt of his pants. He pulled her hands away from his waist as he backed her towards the kitchen table, lifting her to sit as he pulled her to him. Her thighs bracketed his hips as she pulled him closer, feeling the material of her dress slip from her neck as his tongue followed hungrily. He tastes the sweat on her skin as the dress falls lower, his lips ghosting over her breasts as he kisses her heated skin. She rakes her nails under his shirt and grips his back as she sighs, knowing there was something foreign and yet so familiar about being in John's arms.

Over 2 hours Later

Finally collapsing in his bed, John couldn't help but watch the way Joss stared out his window deep in thought. He noticed the curve of her spine and the way the sheets only covered her chest, her entire naked back revealed to him as she sat there, watching the sun rise. He'd expected to be too tired to move after more than two hours with her, but seeing her in the early morning light made sleep worth the wait. He got up on his knees and slid behind her, feeling the way her back relaxed against his bare chest, the sheet the only thing acting as a barrier between them. He pulled her hair over her left shoulder as he kissed her right one, smiling against her skin at the soft sigh she emitted.

"What are you thinking about?" he murmured against her skin, his tongue sneaking out to taste her skin again.

"I'm thinking…" she trailed off, and stiffened in his arms. He felt the change, and knew this was coming.

"I'm thinking it was supposed to be a one time thing John," she whispers, and he deflates instantly. He wasn't sure what it was that hey were doing, but he didn't want to write it off this time.

"Joss…"

"No John. It was supposed to be one time, and then it wasn't. We can't do this. It'll just hurt more if we drag it out and stop farther down the line. I'm sorry," she says, gathering the sheet and grabbing her clothes, walking away from him and into his bathroom. He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling, his heart breaking every time he heard her move and it killed him when she left without saying goodbye. He knew what they had started was dangerous, but she was worth the risk. She always had been. And now he didn't have a choice; it was either move on or stand still, and he knew that pining for her would do nothing but kill them both.

Present

Walking into the restaurant, she knew her and Eric were doomed. She could feel a shift in the air and every nerve was hypersensitive as Eric put his hand on her lower back and escorted her to their table. She could feel his stare from wherever he was, and she had to subtly look around before looking right over her boyfriend's right shoulder, meeting his icy blue eyes over the shoulder of what seemed to be an attractive brunette. She tipped her head to the right subtly and he did the same, the passion sizzling between them even from over ten feet away. She returned her eyes to Eric who hadn't noticed, but she could feel John's heated stare as she tried to ignore him. She wasn't aware that he had gotten up until an unknown number popped up on her phone's display.

She gave Eric a sheepish grin and said it was work, and made her way towards the ladies room to answer it. Before she was able to open the door, she was pulled into the shadows around the corner, away from prying eyes. She felt him cover her body with his as he rested his weight over her completely, both moaning lonely at the familiar weight and feel of the other under their hands. His left hand was in her hair as his right grabbed her left leg, bringing it up to hook around his waist, her dress making it easy to get that much closer. She gasped at the sudden movement, wrapping both hands around his neck as he rested his forehead against hers, content to just be close to her again. Seeing her with her boyfriend enraged him, knowing that she and him were meant to be together, no matter the obstacles. He'd make it work, for her.

"John we can't…" she sighed as he licked her ear, catching the lope in his mouth and tugging on it just to tease her. She sighed into his ear and he pressed closer to her, feeling the way her thighs cradled his hips perfectly.

"Yes Joss, we can. I made a mistake, this is the first thing I've done right in a long time. You know I care for you and Taylor. Just…let me show you," he whispered into her skin, kissing her tenderly and affectionately along the lines of her shoulders. She smiled against her will and laughed lowly and deeply as she guided his mouth back up to hers. Their tongues tangled together in a familiar dance, John's hand cradling her neck as his right hand slipped under her dress to hold onto her thigh dangerously high as she pulled him impossibly closer. Just as he was about to pick her other leg up to wrap around his waist, a crashing from the kitchen acted as a bucket of cold water and froze them immediately. Slowly, John let Joss get back on her feet, but he could still see the way her lips were wet and swollen from where he'd kissed her with a passion. He pulled her into him again, but this time he just held her in a tight hug as her arms wrapped around his back.

"We can't just dump our significant others here John. That's cruel," she mumbled into his dress shirt, her hold tightening on him imperceptivity.

"I can and will, for you," he said, putting a finger under her chin to tilt her head up towards him, "Zoe was just there to try to fill the void. She pales in comparison to you" he admits, and she blushes and rolls her eyes, not believing him.

"Yeah well, Eric really isn't even on the same damn level as you" she admits.

"Just so you know, Zoe never held a candle to you Joss" he dropped his head briefly before muttering, "You're the best I've ever had Joss. She never stood a chance" she looked surprised before meeting him honest gaze.

"So it wasn't just that one time?" she asked impishly, her smile bright and teasing as he kissed her suddenly, unable to help himself. Pulling away, he flashed her a smirk and replied.

"It was that one time, and then it wasn't" he quoted back at her and she smiled again, biting her lips to try to keep the goofy grin at bay. It didn't work. He slowly looked seriously at her and her heart hammered in her chest, watching the way he placed a piece of hair behind her ear before making his last confession of the night.

"You know I care about you Joss, but it's so much more than that. Just…know that I'm in this. I wouldn't have ever said anything if I wasn't serious"

She looked at his expressive eyes, watching him watch her and she finally made her decision. She had to tell him, because it wasn't fair to make him think it was a one sided thing. She pulled him close and kissed him deeply before pulling away just far enough to speak, her lips brushing his intimately.

"I love you too John. This is serious for me, or it never would have happened to begin with. I was scared, but I do love you. Just know that my feeling won't change. Taylor loves you because you love me, and that's more than enough. He barely knows you and yet he's wondered when that "badass" could teach him a few things," she confessed to him, shaking her head at the rather random conversation with Taylor a few weeks ago. He laughed low and sexily as his lips brushed hers teasingly once more before pulling away.

"I think that can be arranged," he said, winking at her as he motioned to the dining room, "meet me outside in ten minutes ok? I just have to end things with Zoe" she looked at him with skepticism as he took her hand, kissing her palm in order to get a beautiful smile out of her.

"She's not you Joss. There was never a future with her like there is with you" she looked unconvinced before nodding in understanding at him.

"Just so you know John, you're definitely the best I've had. Don't think you're the only one with that secret" she tossed out, winking at him and then rolling her eyes at the smug smile on his face.

"Well then, let's go break a few hearts," she declared, taking a deep breath and linking her pinky finger with his just before they walked out of the shadows, separating when they hit the light. He smiled over at her and she smiled back secretively, knowing that everything was finally going to fall into place.

Love it? I hope so! Let me know what you think! Not sure if I want to make a part 2 (it that's possible), but if there are any specific ideas, I'm more than willing to hear them.