BANG!
The sounds in my head woke me with a start. Darkness. Again. I sighed, sitting up. What was it this time? His voice. I could not remember his
voice. I heard it before the bang, he said "Let me go. I can't stay." I looked up, toward the darkened place where I knew his picture was. He's
been gone for four years. I told myself. No. I wouldn't let him go. But now I have to. I felt my hands still trembling, and my eyes burning with
unshed tears. I would not let myself cry. Deciding I needed some fresh air, I got up, and slipped on my sneakers and a thin jacket and put my
hearing aid in my left ear. I was alone in the apartment, but I needed to be closer to the heavens. I walked for what seemed like hours, but it
was only about fifteen minutes.
Why did I not say goodbye? Why did I stay mad at him? Can he hear me? I'm sorry, Matthew! I'm so sorry! I should never have said those
mean things to you. I hope you can forgive me. Once again, I felt my eyes sting. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes for a split second.
When I opened them, I realized where I was. The track.
"Why'd you do that?"
"I was testing you. You really are different from all the other girls."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, actually, it's a really good thing. I like you even more because of that."
I choked and my legs gave way. I fell to my knees, taking deep breaths again, wanting to just push the pain away. I couldn't cry. If I did, I
wouldn't stop. Damn it, Matt, why didn't you wait five seconds?! five seconds, and you'd still be alive! WHY?!
I felt a warm breeze, unnaturally warm for July. Not caring, I laid down on the highest bleacher.
"If ever a boy stood on the moon, all the heavens would call their angels around. Stop the tears from the troubles skies From falling..." I
stopped, feeling myself close to snapping. I closed my eyes and let sleep claim me again. I barely heard the clunk clunk of footsteps coming
closer to me. Didn't even care when a pair of gentle arms scooped me up, and held me against a warm chest. I looked up, into a pale face.
Yellow eyes. Kindness. Concern. I closed my eyes, hoping if I did he'd go away. I am a monster. Monsters don't deserve kindness, or concern.
The gentle someone gently laid me down again, but this time in my bed. He tucked the blanket around me, and...carefully removed my hearing
aid. odd...No one dared touch that...I drifted off to sleep again, but not before I heard a soft male voice say,
"Sleep, child."
THE NEXT DAY
I woke confused the next day. Who was that? Somehow in my mind, I knew he wasn't going to hurt me. I wished I could see him again. That
day was the four month mark of Matthew's death. But I went about my day like any other. I packed my suitcase, planning to return to Job
Corps two days later. Alone. God, I hated it there. I knew that if I didn't go back, I'd disappoint my dead friend. I'd done enough of that. The
picture was sitting next to the light blue candle which I never had the heart to light. Again, I felt the urge to just leave. So I did. But it was too
hot, so I settled for writing a few poems.
When nightfall finally came, I didn't even change into my pajamas. Stayed in my floor length purple skirt, white lacy top, and kept my hair
down,just the way he liked it. It was long now, slightly past my bum. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I'd see the yellow eyed man again.
Why? I don't deserve any kindness. I shouldn't even be in this skin. I hate every inch of myself, why would someone stick around and try to
help me? When I got to the track, My throat began to ache. Good. I deserve this pain. I felt his arms around me, but knew it was all in my
head. Again, I climbed to the highest bleacher, laying down. I didn't want to fall asleep.
"Do you remember that day in Kennedy Park, Matt? The pigeons attacking us? I hated the cold, but I loved being with you. I miss you. So
much. I don't know why, but I feel responsible for your death. At least in a small way." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. A soft
whooshing sound met my ears, but I ignored it. Lots of strange people came here this time at night. I knew who it was when I felt a pair of
cool, gentle hands on either side of my head, lifting it up slightly. I opened my eyes, and looked up. The same pale face, kind eyes, smiling
kindly down at me.
"You should not be out here alone, Samantha." He said softly, lightly brushing the hair out of my face, as he held my head in his lap.
"I know. But I needed to be alone. I hope I'm...not being rude but...who are you?" I said.
"I am Lt. Commander Data. I am a Starfleet officer, sent to watch over you. The rest of my fellow crew mates are in different countries, helping
others. Starfleet assigned us to Earth, this year, and gave us the freedom of helping someone, anyone we wished, as long as they did not die
during this year. I've been watching you for a four days."
"Why did you pick me? I'm a murderer!" I sat up, pulling away slightly. I was getting that crawling feeling in my skin again. I wanted to tear it
off. Data took my hands and held them in his, looking me straight in the eye.
"That is why." was all he said, "Why do you think you are a murderer?" he asked.
I could see tenderness, and caring in his eyes, and somehow I trusted him.
"I...we dated for six months. Matthew and I. When I was fifteen. He was the first guy to pay any attention to me. I was teased so bad, I never
trusted anyone. I still don't. He made me realize that I could stand up for myself. I loved him so much, well, for a fifteen year old. But things
started getting bad. He...it just didn't work out. I broke up with him one day, and he just looked at me and said 'whatever'. I was devastated.
I was angry at him, for months. I hated him, wished him dead in so many ways. I even wrote in my diary that I wished he'd get hit bu a bus!" I
choked, feeling the tears slam against my eyes full force. I tried holding them back, but Data squeezed my hands gently. I looked up at him. He
shook his head, lightly wiping my eyes.
"It is alright. There's no one else around." he said.
I nodded, continuing while ignoring the tears falling.
"He moved away, before I had the chance to really apologize to him. I wanted him to know I never meant all those things. At least now I do.
But then I was too angry. I had returned to Job Corps, and went to my dorm to rest before dinner. I got a text from my friend, that just said
'Matthew Texas is died' She isn't really good with texting, so it confused me. I texted her back 'What? how did you find this out?' and she sent
me a picture of his facebook page. 'that's Texas, right?' I called my friend Crystal, asking her if she knew what was going on. She said 'Sam,
yes, he was killed yesterday morning. I don't know exactly how, but from what I heard, he was hit by a drunk driver.'"
Data frowned. "I do not understand how you feel responsible for his death." he said.
"I wished him dead. And it happened. If I hadn't said all of those mean things, he'd still..." I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I tried
picking myself up, by taking another beep breath, but Data stopped me with his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest and let go. The
tears felt like an eternity. It all came flooding back. The image of the car, his scooter sticking out from under it...his laughing smiling face...I
cried until I started hiccuping, but stayed in Data's arms. He held me, gently rubbing circles on my back.
"It was not your fault. You were not there when it happened, and there was nothing you could have done." He whispered. I sniffled, feeling
his hand softly stroking my cheek as he rested his against the top of my head.
"But I-"
"Hush. No, it was not your fault. It was not. You should not punish yourself for something that was out of your control.
"I still-" Data held my face in his hands, looking me in the eyes.
"did you physically take his life, or instruct someone else to do it?"
I started to speak, but Data put a finger to my lips.
"Yes or no?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head no. Data kissed my forehead and held me once again. This time he said,
"It is time to let go. Do not allow this guilt to do this to you. You need to mourn, yes, for your dear friend. But do not let this guilt consume you.
Why have you chosen this location?"
"We used to come here a lot. Somehow, I feel closer to him when I come here. We'd sit right here, and talk for hours." I sat up and looked at
Data.
"I can't remember his voice, Data. I can remember his smile, his laugh. The way he would always get mad when I wore my hair up. He hated
that. but I can't remember the sound of his voice. I want to, so much."
"That is logical, as you have not seen him in four years. But you still remember the important things, such a his smile, which you are fond of."
Data said.
I smiled lightly, taking another deep breath.
"Yeah. He really was one of a kind. When I was sick, I have kind of a bleeding problem, and every month or so, I spent about six hours in the
hospital, getting iv fluid pumped into me. I hid it from everyone else, but he figured it out." I said. Data looked confused.
"Why would someone tease you about a medical concern you have?" he asked. I looked down, at the scar on my left arm, near the crook.
"I actually fainted once, in the middle of the hall. there were a lot of other students around, and they thought I was faking. But I wasn't. I was
in so much pain, I could barely walk. Matt had been worried about me all morning, and he was right there when it happened. From that day
forward, they just assumed I had 'had an accident' and had to be sent home to change. But what they didn't know was that led to me
spending eleven and a half hours in the hospital, sedated, and with an I.V."
"Did you not tell them the truth?" Data asked. I could hear a little anger in his voice. I shook my head.
"No. I was too embarrassed, and figured it was none of their business. I just let them say what they wanted. I never talked about it with
anyone. I just suffered in silence, so to speak. I only let it get to me once, I'm ashamed to say." the smirk on my face said otherwise. Data
chuckled softly,
"How did you do that?"
"Well, there was this one guy, he was twice my size, and he liked to pick on me because I didn't listen to regular music. I liked classical music,
because I didn't have to worry about learning the words. One day, at the end of my last class, he was bugging me about it. I'd been made fun
of all day, because of the other thing, and I was close to my limit. he got in front of me, blocking my way into homeroom. I told him twice to
move, both times politely. He didn't, so hauled off and backhanded him right across the face so hard I gave him a bloody nose!"
"I do hope you did not get into too much trouble for that." Data said, smiling despite himself.
"I got suspended for three days, but he never bothered me again. And Matt was so proud of me, haha." HE teased me, but he was doing it
playfully, not in a mean way, so I tolerated that. But it was quite funny, his reaction when I told him why I wasn't in school for three days. He
looked at me all wide eyed, and said 'you?! Holy cow, I didn't think you had a mean twig in your body!' "
"Twig?" Data tilted his head slightly. I giggled.
"I was quite skinny when I was in middle and high school." I answered.
Suddenly I felt a little better.
This was a little story I had written, obviously the part with Data is fiction, to help cope with the loss of a dear friend.