Ponyboy Curtis strided confidently across the dappled green and brown lawn into the house he occupied with his brothers. He reflected, as he did everyday since the worst day, that it had been a month since the deaths.
He gratefully slung his heavy bag onto the floor where the heap of shoes, jackets, and random junk guarded the door like a sentry. "Hey Pony." Two-Bit called from the living room. Pony pretended not to hear him as he mentally prepared himself for the hardest part of the day.
At school Pony was fine. His classmates ignored him, and he continued dutifully with his work, never speaking or drawing attention to himself.
At home it was a different matter. The sympathetic looks made him gag. The sidelong glances and comforting hugs disgusted him.
He hated how they thought they needed to protect him. It was as if their friends had not died, as if Pony was the only one who had fallen from grace after the deaths.
"Hey, Pony!" Two-Bit shouted again.
"Yeh...hey." He must have sounded dejected, because Two-Bit practically flung himself off the couch to reach Pony.
"Hey kid. You want to talk?" Pony felt the urge to strangle Two-Bit, but he just took three deep breaths and pasted a smile on his face. For most of his life he had been a bad liar, but ever since a few weeks after the deaths, he had become quite convincing.
" 'bout what? Steve here?" Two-Bit grinned goofily.
"Nah. When is 'ole Steve ever around? Hes probably talkin' up some girls at the DX. Wanna go see him and Soda?" This was really the part Pony hated. He suspected his refusal to go anywhere was a contributing factor to the 24/7 babysitting watch.
"Homework. Maybe next time." Two-Bit looked crestfallen. He knew that every member of the gang hated watching over him. It prevented them from doing the things they would rather be doing. Pony's heart beat faster. This could be his chance.
"Two-Bit, there is no need for you to watch me writing my theme while you could be doing a hundred other things worth your time." Pony knew he had not convinced him, but he was also confident he could get Two-Bit to fold. Asides from Steve, who simply refused to watch over Sodas kid brother, Two-Bit hated the job the most.
"Honestly Two-Bit, what the hell would I do? Darry "baby proofed" the house, Soda will be back in an hour and I do want to live to see my theme published, and I ain't even finished with it yet, so why the hell would I kill myself now?"
Two-Bit grinned, convinced. "You have fun writing that theme Pony."
"Sure thing Two. Have fun, and if you come drunk to dinner Darry will kill you."
"True dat." He sauntered out of the door, not able to contain his ecstasy.
Pony wasted no time, but ran upstairs, completed todays diary entry, and grabbed the heater that Dally had left him.
People who have never attempted to commit suicide don't know how much thought it takes. the trouble is that, once you take that step on the building, or you pull that trigger, or you tie that noose around your neck, there's no going back.
As far as the gang knew, Pony had never tried to kill himself. They had only seen the journal entries about attempting to, and had grown overprotective preemptively. But Pony had tried. numerous times in fact.
Ever since Dally's death, he had thought about it, finally deciding to write it down as an attempt to get his feelings out. This supposed means of escape only intensified the need for the end.
Pony felt tears roll down him face. He had left each person he loved with an lengthy explanation about his suicide, and how it wasn't their fault. There was nothing left for him to do.
And suddenly Johnny's words came back to him. "Stay gold Ponyboy." Pony smiled, triumphant over the loop hole he had found out of this.
"Even gold can tarnish Johnny." he said out loud in the empty room. He fingered the trigger, and pointed it at his head, eyes squeezed tightly shut.
He counted. One...he wondered how Darry and Sodapop would find his body...two...Two-bit would never forgive himself...Three...goodbye, and he braced himself for the end.
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Soda ran upstairs, seething at Two-Bit for not taking his responsibilities seriously. This was his little brothers life they were talking about, which should mean more to Two-Bit than a coke at the DX. He flung open Pony and his bedroom door, to find Pony, his finger on the trigger of that blasted heater.
Not even pausing to think, Soda barreled towards him, pushing the gun down. Pony's eyes, the same green as moms had been, stared for one millisecond at Soda in shock, but the second passed, and the gunshot blared through the house.
Pony's face crumpled, and he fell back onto the bad, red blood soaking Pony's clothes and the sheets instantly.
Soda frantically looked for the source of the blood. He found a bullet wound in Pony's shoulder bone. Soda ran downstairs to the phone, but hesitated on who to call. He decided on an ambulance first, then darry.
"9-11, what is your emergency?"
"Hi, my brother was shot at our house in the east side of town..." he rambled on until the operated said.
"Ok. an ambulance should be there in about 10 minutes." Soda hung up, hoping beyond hope that 10 minutes wasn't too late. He punched in Darry's number expertly and waited for this office to pick up.
"Robby's roofing co, how may I assist you?" Soda was trying hard not to cry by now, his voice cracking on every other word he finally got out his message.
agonizing minutes later, Darry picked up.
"Hey Soda, you know not to call me here." Darry's voice was patient and this calm made Soda freak out even more.
"Darry, this is an emergency. Pony...and there's so much blood...the ambulance is coming, but I don't know if he's gonna make it!"
The phone went dead and Soda scurried back upstairs to Pony. He reflected that he shouldn't have left him alone in that room with a gun.
But Pony seemed to be in too much pain to even consider a second attempt. He lay curled on his uninjured side, moans accented by pitiful whimpering sounds escaping his parched lips.
he sat next to Pony, stroking his hair. "Why Pony?"
he did not answer for a minute, then after what seemed an extraordinary amount of effort he croaked "Dally, Johnny. My fault." Soda tried to stay strong, the way Darry does. his thoughts of Darry only made the trembling in him chin faster ad harder to control.
"Soda?" Pony asked in a voice that sounded almost childlike, instead of the husky approximation of Darry's he had taken in imitating.
"Yeh Pone?"
"You sad?" His speech was slurred from pain, and he found it hard to believe that barely three minutes ago, he had been ready to throw his entire life away.
"Yeh. course I am Pone." Soda lay down next to Pony, his hand now stroking Pony's cheek in a protective manner. "I can't believe that you-" Soda's voice broke and he started sobbing, his racking gasps shaking the bed, so that Pony groaned slightly.
Soda tried to pull himself together. "I just- cant imagine living without you, and it hurts that you can imagine leaving me. You know if you died, I would be sure to follow. I you kill yourself, your just killing everyone around you. Steve would either die or turn to drugs with out me, Two-Bit's been shaky since Dally died, and worst of all, we'd leave Darry here by himself. Darry would never go willingly. he thinks he needs to prove something."
Pony didn't answer for a long time, but silent tears rushed down his face.
Darry arrived first. Seeing Pony, he wailed piteously and lay down next to him, telling him over and over again "I love you. please don't leave me." Soda shot him a glance, warning him that he was probably scaring Pony.
Darry didn't seem to care. Pony's silent tears turned into screams of anguish, as though the pain were getting worse with each passing second. Soda finally stopped trying to comfort him and just broke down, pony's shrieks cutting deep wounds in Soda that would never heal.
after what seemed like an eternity, pony calmed down for a second, long enough to say, "I just wanted to see Dally and Johnny again...tell them I'm sorry."
"You're just gonna have to wait. you can tell them later, when the rest of us do. but 14 years ain't long enough." It didn't matter who said it, but it reminded Soda of what Pony had told him Johnny had said to him.
and he thought he finally found something to say that would have a good chance of impacting Pony. "If 16 years ain' long enough, 14 definitely isn't. Gold shouldn't tarnish if it is well taken care of and is loved." It didn't make much sense, but the screams subsided and Pont took up Darry's refrain
"I love you. Don't leave me! I'm sorry!"