Written for a very, very dear friend of mine:
Haldir, this is for you, and if you nitpick about tiny little details that aren't consistent I will yell at you. Enjoy and watch out for convenient trees. ~ Legolas
"We're going in that?" asked the dwarf in disbelief, pointing at what to him looked like a dingy little raft. The elf looked up, puzzled.
"Of course," he answered, tying off the last of the lines for the sails.
"We're going across the ocean in that bloody thing?" The elf stopped what he was doing and turned to face his companion completely, an insulted expression on his face. "That bailing bucket's not sea worthy!"
"Are you calling my ship a bailing bucket, Gimli, son of Gloin?"
"Ay, laddie, I am. If you think that I'm going with you who knows how far in something that will fall apart at the first wave, then you have something else coming!" Legolas raised an eyebrow and began loading their provisions while his friend stood off to the side, grumbling and complaining to himself. After a few moments of silence that dragged on to a few minutes which quickly became awkward, Legolas cleared his throat and his companion looked up from where he was examining his axe.
"Well?" he asked, and the dwarf huffed again. "Are you coming?"
"I don't trust elvish handiwork," he muttered and the elf shrugged in an I tried expression.
"I could just leave you here with the rest of the world to fade away. I have no qualms about doing that, just so you know," he play threatened.
A few minutes later, the small, beautifully crafted boat was gently rolling on the waves, elf stood at the bow, gracefully steering the vessel, while the dwarf sat in tense silence at the stern.
"You do realize that you're not going to fall out of the boat at every wave, right?" the blonde man asked, bemusedly and the dwarf glared.
"Just because you think you're the best boat maker in Middle Earth doesn't mean - "
"I do not think I'm the best boat maker in Middle Earth!" Legolas laughed and, just for spite, guided the small sail boat into an oncoming wave. Gimli gave a small squeak and fell over into the bottom of the boat with the sudden change in his precariously maintained balance. The tall man smirked at the glowering dwarf as he got back to the small wooden bench and reseating himself.
"Don't do that again, you elvish princeling."
"It was funny, though," the elf protested and made to move the tiller again, earning a snarl from Gimli in the process. "I wasn't going to," he assured his peeved shipmate and tied the tiller off to the rails on the edge of the ship before walking over to lean against the mast.
"How you can possibly think this is all safe?!"
"Because...it is?" Legolas asked, holding up his hands as though it was obvious.
"You made this boat! How is it in any way safe?!"
"Name on thing I've made that has broken," the elf countered. Gimli opened his mouth to answer and stopped when he realized that there was nothing he could say. "Exactly." They sat there for a while in continued silence, though it was more companionable this time. "So, are you going to sit there and not talk to me this whole trip?"
"How long is this 'whole trip?'" Gimli asked, squinting his eyes in suspicion. The elf shrugged.
"No one knows," he replied in too innocent a fashion.
"No one - " Gimli spluttered, eyes wide. "No one knows?! You just go sailing off into the sunset hoping that you'll come across land?"
"We know the land exists. We never recorded how far though," the elf explained nonchalantly, and Gimli marveled at the blind faith his friend had in a land that possibly didn't even exist. "I'm just joking. It's two days at most. Probably a little over a day."
"Two days? It will take two days, with you, in a cramped boat, to this supposed heaven on Middle Earth?"
"Why are you coming then? Why are you coming if you don't believe that the land to the West exists?" Legolas asked accusingly, and the dwarf suddenly looked uncomfortable. A wry smile crossed the tall man's face as he drew amusement from Gimli's discomfort.
"Because you're my friend," he finally grumbled. Legolas smiled and sat beside him, putting an arm around his friend's shoulders.
"Finally got you to say it."
~'*'~
The day passed with the continued ribbing and jesting between the two of them, the elf's humor light and playful while the dwarf's was harsh and grumbling: the normal routine. Secretly, Legolas was waiting for his companion to get seasick the way he was sitting and psyching himself out. It would certainly provide a sort of humor to the trip other than their innocent bantering. Similarly, Gimli was telling himself he wouldn't give the bloody elf the pleasure of seeing him lose control of his stomach.
However, his tensed posture soon proved to be more of a detriment to his efforts to not get sea sick as he felt the first sensations of lethargy, nausea, and dizziness settling over him. After clearing his throat several times and staring pointedly at the horizon, the dwarf's companion finally addressed the issue.
"Are you okay?" he asked, and his friend looked at him with a borderline glare before immediately looking back to the horizon with a certain urgency. "Hello?"
"I'm fine, lad," he growled finally, and Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Really? Because you're looking a little - "
"Yes. I am perfectly fine!" Unimpressed by his denial, Legolas held up seven fingers. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked bluntly and watched as, predictably, the dwarf squinted at his fingers, ruined his pointed concentration on the horizon and sent him stumbling for the side of the boat. "The correct answer was seven." Gimli looked up from where he was heaving his guts over the side of the craft and managed to scowl once before turning back to the ocean, throwing up once more.
The son of Gloin decided he hated seasickness. And his shipmate
The son of Thranduil decided this would be a long two days.
~'*'~
After several hours of intermittent throwing up, Gimli finally managed to get his stomach under control only to discover that his companion was a sympathy vomiter. Vengeance was in fact sweet, he decided as he got his turn to laugh at his elven friend's predicament.
"Not so funny when it's you, is it?" he asked and earned a glare. "Well, I would say focus on the horizon but seeing as it's night time that doesn't work anymore."
"I'll just stare at the moon, thank you very much," Legolas answered and laid down in the bottom of the craft to fix his eyes on the stable object up in the sky. It was settling to see something so close to his original home in Mirkwood out under the stars. It made moving to the land in the West so much easier. He didn't know that at the other end of the craft, Gimli was thinking the same thing though the places in his mind were Moria, Erebor, and the Iron Hills. It was so...he didn't want to sound peaceful because then he would sound like the elf. He cleared his throat and soon made the mistake of looking down at the water.
And the seasickness returned with a vengeance.
"I think I'm going to be - " he began before scrambling for the side of the boat, tripping on the benches in his hurried dash, throwing the boat off balance and startling Legolas into scrambling to his feet. And then both made the mistake of heading for the same side of the boat.
Roughly ten minutes later...
One way to get rid of seasickness was to have the sea slam into your face when you tipped the boat over, the dwarf thought furiously as he sat on the overturned boat. He snuck a glance at the man beside him and gave a short bark of laughter when he thought about how much the elf looked like an annoyed, wet cat. It was rather amusing.
"What are you laughing at, Gimli son of Gloin? There must have been a reason that fate had it that I just so happened to grab my weaponry as we flipped over." Gimli eyed him impassively.
"And I happened to grab my axe." The two glared at each other before the dwarf broke eye-contact to look at the rising sun.
"It was still 43." The elf randomly commented and Gimli's response was swift.
"42. Don't push it."
"He was technically moving!"
"Because my axe was embedded in his nervous system!"
"Of course it was," he responded, borderline condescending with his sarcasm.
"How do people survive with axes in their heads, tell me that!" Legolas glared and they both turned to look at the horizon again. "That's what I thought."
A few more minutes of silence then...
"Do we have any food?"
"No, Gimli. You knocked it all into the ocean when you flipped the boat over."
"That was not my fault, you - " Legolas brought his bow back ever so slightly and there was a resounding splash behind him as he knocked the approaching dwarf off balance and he fell into the water. "YOU-"
"That was payback for that incident with the mercenary bosun," Legolas said, turning his attention back to the rising sun.
~'*'~
Frodo sat looking out at the empty horizon, humming away to himself to try and occupy his racing mind.
They should have been here by now. What was going on?
What is wrong? Frodo looked up to see Galadriel walking over to sink graceful to the ground, sitting beside him. You have not stopped watching the horizon since dawn.
"I'm waiting for Legolas and Gimli. They were going to come at some time today, and I don't want to miss them," he explained, looking at the elf beside him momentarily before locking his eyes onto the rising sun once more. "They're the only ones from the Fellowship that I will still have contact with, except of course for Sam. Aragorn has passed on, and so have Merry...and Pippin." Here his tone grew sad. "They're all fading."
Dwell not on those who are gone. Celebrate in the ones who are still here.
"Thank you. You don't suppose that they've run into trouble?"
"Wait for the sun to completely rise above the horizon before you start worrying about your comrades, little hobbit," the Lady of Light laughed before standing and retreating back into the woods of Valinor. Sighing, Frodo turned his attention back to the glass sea.
And waited.
~'*'~
"So dwarf women really do have beards?"
"Yes! Aragorn wasn't making that up!"
"I don't believe you."
"Suit yourself then. Dwarf women have beards!" the dwarf proclaimed loud enough for the whole world within a two mile radius to hear. Which was basically them.
...
"Now what do you want to talk about?" Gimli hesitated, thinking.
"Do any of you pointy-ears have beards?"
"The ones who are alive now?" Legolas asked and shook his head. "No, no we don't have beards. Well, we can have beards but we must be in the third cycle of our lives."
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"Basically we have to be really old. And I mean really old."
"How old is really old?"
"Really old!"
"I got that but how old is - "
"REALLY OLD, GIMLI! DROP IT!" The dwarf huffed slightly at the tone and then proceeded to assume a contemplative expression.
"Then..." he began suspiciously, "How old are you exactly that you don't look a day older than the first day I saw you at the Council of Elrond. I'm 262 now, and you can see how that looks. So...how old are you?"
"Me?"
"No, that little fish there," he said sarcastically, pointing towards the water and then grinding his heels into his forehead when the elf actually looked over his shoulder to see if there was a fish in the water. "Of course I meant you, you elvish princeling!"
"Me, I'm, uh...I'm...old. To put it lightly."
"Well, put it heavily then. How old are you? Now, don't mince words!" he scolded as the elf opened his mouth hesitantly.
"I'm...somewhere over 4,000 years old." Gimli gaped. "I think."
"You think? How can you not know your own age?"
"We stop counting!" Legolas answered defensively. "We sort of live for a long time."
"Yes, we've established that," Gimli growled and stared pointedly at the water. "I'm still hungry."
"Do you know how to fish?" the elf asked after a moment of silence. "We are surrounded by water after all..."
"No. We never ate fish in our dwarf cities." They sat in awkward silence. "You?"
"No...we don't even have a fishing pole or bait." They sat there in silence for a little while longer.
"You...could always use your bow." Legolas laughed at the joke and the image it brought to mind, but stopped smiling when his friend continued to stare at him. "What are you serious? Please tell me you're joking."
"I'm dead serious."
"But it's not...humane for the fish - "
"Neither is making a dwarf go a whole day without eating!" Legolas fell silent and contemplated his situation. On the one hand he could hunt for fish in a rather inhumane manner, making it a very messy and overall unpleasant end for the animals...or he could have Gimli go a whole day without eating and be stuck on a small craft with a stir-crazy, grumpy dwarf.
On the whole his decision was now rather clear.
~'*'~
Two hours later...
"Remind me to never take your genius ideas again," a soaked Legolas sighed frustratedly as he sat back down, resting his bow beside him.
"You were the one who took it. I never said it would work, mind you," the dwarf said, attempting to assume a knowing, sage tone. He promptly dropped his superior air when the elf gave him a look out of the corner of his eye. "What, do you want me to make it fair and try with my axe?"
"Could you?" the blonde man asked, voice acerbic and dripping with sarcasm. "I doubt your arm reach would be long enough."
"Are you insulting my stature?!"
"No, I'm simply making a statement that you're short."
"You are insulting my stature!"
"Isn't like it's not true!" With something between a growl and grumbling, the dwarf picked up his axe and perched at the edge of the wood, hoping to spot some creature stupid enough to come close to the surface.
"I'll show you that I can catch us a fish..." the elf thought he heard but couldn't be sure because another loud splash interrupted the older dwarf's sentence. "Great Mahal - "
"I told you your arm was too short," Legolas commented dryly and in retrospect decided that was the moment they both lost it. In the next six hours that they spent aimlessly drifting towards their destination, the dwarf had gone through roughly forty different drinking songs, twenty folk songs, five ballads, and one celebratory song, chant, anthem...thing. All in Khuzdul.
And it was really, really starting to grate on the elf's nerves. He just wanted a simple day to drift by in silence, was that so much to ask for?!
"Gimli, you have been at it for hours!" the elf finally groaned from where he had managed to find some sort of comfortable position to lay down. "Can you please let it rest!"
"My singing annoying you? I'm old and I'm bored. I've got a headful of music and there doesn't seem to be much else for us to do!"
"Well how about we just quietly ruminate about things that we've done in our lives?" the elf asked trying to keep his voice not annoyed.
"Where's the fun in that? You just end up regretting things that you've done, and think about oh, if I had done that better or - "
"Okay I think I get the point," Legolas interrupted, cutting him off. "But please, just a few moments of silence?" No response. "Thank you." Then...
"BLUNT THE KNIVES, BEND THE FORKS - "
"YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE FOR THAT ONE!" Legolas shouted, losing it, and sitting up in complete annoyance.
"How do you know about that song?"
"I met your dad. I've met Bilbo, and I've met Gandalf. Really isn't that hard to listen to a story..." the elf explained as though it should be obvious.
"Oh, so do you know any good songs then?"
"None that I would grace your ears with hearing," he muttered, losing his patience and laying back down. Gimli managed to stay miffed for a few seconds before another song popped into his head.
"How about that one that those lads sang at Edoras after Helm's Deep?"
"You mean Merry and Pippin?" the elf asked softly, remembering their two reckless, humorous comrades. The dwarf sat down and began talking in earnest, as though he suddenly had a influx of memory.
"Aye, those two. A merry hunt they led us on, remember?" Both laughed at the memory. "Aragorn kicked that orc head and broke his toes remember? All to find them feasting and smoking on the walls of a ruined Isengard..."
"They were young fools."
"But nice fools," Gimli added, and the elf nodded in agreement. "Well, do you remember the song?"
"Vaguely..."
"Oh, liar. You elves have a keen memory, I know you remember," the shorter one said and, furthering his point, Legolas made no move to respond. "Come on, let's have a round for those two hobbits. A round for two hobbits and the merry hunts they led us on!"
"Will it shut you up?" the archer asked after a few seconds hesitation, and the dwarf shrugged.
"I can't promise anything. But it might help."
"Will you do the dance?"
"No."
"It was worth a try," the dwarf muttered, defeated. "Well, I'll just sing it on my own then."
"Oh, please spare me," the elf muttered and wrapped his cloak about his head in a failed attempt to drown out the disproportionately loud voice of his small companion. "I need a tree!"
"What?" the dwarf asked, stopping his song "Green Dragon" to hear what his friend had said.
"I SAID I NEED A TREE!"
"Why?" Legolas raised his head from under his cloak to cast a baleful eye at Gimli.
"So I can hit your head against it because you're driving me insane!"
"Well, luckily for me I don't see any trees - "
"No..." the elf answered, thoroughly annoyed, and sat up again. "Maybe because we're in the middle of an ocean?!"
"Oi, don't get your ears in a twist - "
"Not my fault! I haven't been singing for six and a half hours!"
"Has it been that long..." the dwarf mused, curious, and the elf flopped back down on the boat to wrap his head in the comforting fabric of his cloak. Hopefully some of the noise would be drowned -
"THAT'S WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES!"
Nope.
~'*'~
"Now can I worry?" Frodo asked as he, Gandalf, Sam, and Galadriel stood watching as the small upside down craft drifted towards them at an agonizingly slow rate. "No wonder they were late...You know, I'm pretty sure I can hear Gimli's voice from here."
"Hey that's Merry and Pippin's song!" Sam said eagerly, and Gandalf looked at him in pleasant surprise.
"Master Gamgee you still have a good set of ears on you!"
"I should, Mister Gandalf, sir. I've had to listen to old Mr. Bilbo tell his tales all the time. They're too good to miss and his voice is pretty soft."
"Uncle Bilbo is old, Sam. Don't make fun of your elders."
"Oh, I'm not making fun of Mister Bilbo, Mister Frodo! I would never - "
"Sam," Frodo interrupted, smiling. "I was joking." Behind them, Galadriel smiled and watched as the small boat came closer. There would be a tale or two to tell when they landed, she thought almost mischievously.
~'*'~
Legolas was already planning how he was going to shove Gimli off the boat when he sat up and decided to look behind himself at which point he nearly fell off their precariously balanced wooden island in his excitement.
The Undying Lands.
Normally, he would be excited about that because it meant that he was home, he was safe, and he was in the home of his ancestors. It would be a source of elven heritage.
Now, he was excited because that meant he was that much closer to being off the boat and away from Gimli. And closer to a large forest filled with convenient trees. The dwarf had better watch himself, he thought darkly and turned to face his friend.
"Gimli, the Undying Lands!"
"No...that's just the harbor we sailed from," his elderly companion corrected, squinting at the distant shore that was rapidly growing.
"No. That's the Undying Lands," Legolas corrected, voice borderline patronizing. "And you know what? I think I might just swim the entire way if I hear one more song out of you!"
~'*'~
"Legolas, Gimli, you came!" Frodo shouted in joy but stopped, very confused, when the elf jumped off the capsized ship about twenty feet from the shore, still with his ever present bow and quiver. "Is there something wrong?" he asked as the tall man scrambled onto the shore and sprinted for the trees as though his life depended on it, showing absolutely no sign of land legs, something that the hobbits had been unfortunately plagued by when they arrived.
"Something you care to tell us, Master Gimli?" Gandalf asked, amused, as the dwarf landed a few minutes later.
"It seems as though our friendship wasn't exactly seaworthy...I drove him insane with my singing!" The dwarf beamed and took his first step onto land only to find that the ground seemed to move under his feet and he went plowing face first into the ground.
"Ah. You have yet to regain your land legs, I see," the wizard commented, earning a glare in response.
"It's preferable to what we had to go through on that thing. Do you realize what a drag it is to travel with that insensible elf for two days? In a tight, cramped space?"
"I can only imagine," the old man stated in the same tone. "It's a miracle the two of you can even stand the sight of each other." Off to the side, Galadriel smirked.
I see what you are doing, Mithrandir, she said, and Gandalf's mouth twitched in the barest shadow of a smile.
"Well, he isn't that bad. I mean, I guess I can be a little annoying at times and loud. But that is the dwarvish way...I guess the elves are a bit more on the quiet side."
"That we are, Gimli son of Gloin," Galadriel agreed and she bent over to hug the arriving dwarf. "I am simply glad that the two of you arrived safely." The dwarf seemed to have lost all ability to speak and was only able to stare at the Lady of Lothlorien before him. But before he could make a fool of himself, there came the tell-tale, taunting wolf whistle from somewhere in the trees.
"YOU LITTLE - " Gimli began and soon set off with his axe, vanishing into the tree line. Sam shook his head in bewilderment as Gandalf, Galadriel, and Frodo laughed.
"Now, what was that all about?"
"I think that was Legolas' way of saying no hard feelings," the gardener's friend replied, but the first hobbit still didn't quite grasp it. "Their friendship is based off of annoying each other. If they didn't - " The next sentence that rose from the dark forest erased all confusion from Sam's mind.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE ELVISH PRINCELING!"
"Oh..." he answered. "I get it now."