How To Write A Gilderoy Lockhart Songfic
By Angela Scarlett
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling would be broke. If I owned Everybody's Fool by Evanescence, Amy Lee would kill me. You get the idea.
Harry Potter sat in his bedroom at Number 4 Privet Drive, suffering a major migraine. Dudley was next door, listening to "Bring Me to Life" repeatedly. Harry moaned, wondering how much more Evanescence he could stand to listen to before he lost it.
After a while, the song switched to "Everybody's Fool." As the song played, Harry began to notice the tone of the lyrics. They strongly reminded him of Gilderoy Lockhart, and it was not pleasant. I could have some fun with this, he thought. He took out a piece of paper and began to write down the lyrics of the song.
Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need, more lies about a world that
Never was and never will be, have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here she comes now, bow down and stare in wonder
Oh, how we love you, no flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be, you don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you got everybody fooled
Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself, lost in your lies
I know the truth now, I know who you are, and I don't love you anymore
It never was and never will be, you're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool
Harry took a good look at all of the lyrics and decided to give it a few tweaks. He changed "icons of self-indulgence" to "icon of wealth and glory", and "Look here she comes now" to "Look, it's Witch Weekly". "Bow down and stare in wonder" was changed to "Flash those pearly whites there". Grinning at his work, Harry continued. "But now I know she" was removed and replaced with "But you know that it". "You don't know how you betrayed me" was now "You can't just delete memories" "And somehow you got everybody fooled" didn't make much sense, thought Harry. Thinking hard, he decided to replace it with "And somehow you won every female's heart". So what if it doesn't rhyme? It fits Lockhart, right? Harry thought to himself. He then finished up the rest of the song. It now read:
Perfect by nature, icon of wealth and glory
Just what we all need, more lies about a world that
Never was and never will be, have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look, it's Witch Weekly, flash those pearly whites there
Oh, how we love you, no flaws when you're pretending
But you know that it
Never was and never will be, you can't just delete memories
And somehow you've won every female's heart
Without the charms where will you hide
Can't find yourself, lost in your lies
I know the truth now, I know who you are, and I don't respect you anymore
It never was and never will be, you're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool
Harry's grin was now wide enough to crack his jaws. Sneakily, he let Hedwig out of her cage, tied the song lyrics to her foot, and sent her to Ron. He knew Ron would crack up.
Well, that's it! Hope you enjoyed it! I have another fanfiction called Making Fun of the Teen Titans! It's still kind of short, since I barely started it. Anyway, thanks for reading!