D'Argo was polishing his Qualta blade as Crichton sat across from him straddling the chair backwards, resting his arms on the back.
"D'Argo, I need to talk to you."
"Talk," D'Argo said a little impatiently after John's announcement was followed by silence.
"Give me a minute. This is kind of tricky."
D'Argo grumbled impatiently and John continued.
"I'm having a little bit of a problem with Harvey."
"Harvey? Did you nickname another DRD? You have to stop that," D'Argo said as he still polished his blade where it rested on the table.
"No. Harvey, Little Scorpy in my head," John explained.
D'Argo stopped polishing and regarded him for a while.
"You are losing your sanity again," he concluded. "Do you need me to shoot you?" he asked solemnly as his hand rested on his Qualta blade.
"Not yet. Maybe later, buddy. But nice to know you care," John said as he eyed D'Argo's weapon.
D'Argo nodded gravely and continued to polish.
"Here's the thing. The Scorpy in my head has been getting out of hand lately. Or you could say he's been very hands on," Crichton said while he waved his hands around. D'Argo looked like he was getting dizzy following the erratic and suggestive motion of John's hands.
"What are you talking about?" D'Argo gave him a hard, searching look. "Are you sure you don't want me to shoot you?"
John got up from his chair and moved away from the eager to shoot him D'Argo.
"No. Harvey's been making moves on me. I think Scorpy likes me," John blurted out.
"I think I will shoot you," D'Argo decided and took his weapon in both hands.
"I was sleeping and I had a dream that I was asleep," Crichton started to explain.
"Isn't that redundant?"
"Yes. But then I dreamt that I was awake, and that's when Little Scorpy got all handsy."
"John, what are you saying?" D'Argo asked still not understanding.
"And there was some licking," John added.
"Stop! I don't wish to hear any more," D'Argo warned him now getting the idea.
"I'm just giving you broad strokes here."
"John, I'm warning you!"
"Okay. But do you think that means that Scorpy likes me? In that way, you know?" Crichton asked as he leaned on the table.
"I don't know," D'Argo said indignantly.
"If Little Scorpy likes me that means Big Scorpy likes me. Doesn't it?" John asked him.
"I don't know if he likes you or maybe you like him," D'Argo said and John stood back.
"Shut up!"
"You asked. Listen to yourself. The pet names: Big Scorpy, Little Scorpy, Harvey," D'Argo listed making the names sound very dirty in his deep and gravelly voice.
"I give everyone pet names," John said defensively.
"And I've always wondered."
"You think I want to sleep with Sparky too?" John asked, incredulous.
"I would not put it past you. Maybe even the DRD's," D'Argo said and then he stood up with his Qualta blade in his hands. "I think now would be a good time to shoot you," he decided.
John stared at him with his mouth open.
"Please, go ahead," John said as he spread his arms. "Scorpy, Sparky, the DRD's - if it means what you think it means, I don't want to live," he said getting on the table and lying down.
As Crichton crossed his arms over his chest, he told D'Argo, "I'm done being Little Scorpy's love monkey. Put me out of my misery."
"Have some dignity, John," D'Argo said as he prepared his weapon. He aimed. "I also noticed you did not give me a pet name," D'Argo said while aiming.
"I call you Big Guy," John said simply.
"That is not a proper endearment," D'Argo said still aiming.
"Wow! Endearment? You jealous?" John asked turning to D'Argo, while raised up on one elbow.
"Not at all. Your tastes obviously run to the underdeveloped megalomaniacs. I want no part of it," D'Argo claimed.
"Go ahead and shoot, Shnookums. I've lived too long. I've seen too much. Make it quick, and don't let Rygel get my stuff."
The End