Posting this out of request from Crissy (AzumaApple). This is a fic waaaaaaaay back in the day. About 2003. It was never finished, but here is what we actually did end up writing. This was between me, Erin (MyChemFan04), Crissy, and Alanna. So here you go Crissy, laugh your ass off.
Health Class with the Chibi Gang!
*the chibi girls are walking through the halls of Powell Middle School (note to self: burn school with lighter and hairspray) with their boyfriends, except Crissy who is now boyfriendless, when they hear the intercom go off*
Mr. Ransaw: Eighth graders, please report to the gym at this time for an important assembly.
Kat: Can we skip this time?
Alanna: No, 'cause we all can skip health now!
Kat: Oh yeah!
Erin: Besides, at an assembly we can goof off!.
All: *look at her weird*
Erin: NO! NOT THAT WAY!
Crystal: If she meant it that way, she would've said jack-off.
All: *look at her*
Crystal: What?
Hiei: Thank God I'm away from you.
Kat: … That was mean. Good job!
Kenshin: I wonder what this assembly is about.
Gabriel: Probably another "Don't Smoke or Drink" campaigns that they give us and people do it anyway.
Zidane: True. Hey, maybe it'll be about sex!
All: NO!
Zidane: It was just a hunch!
Hiei: Well, then let's hope your hunch is wrong.
*they all head to the gym, and sit in the bleachers like this: First Kat next to the wall, then Hiei, Alanna, Gabriel, Crystal, Zidane, Erin, and Kenshin* *they all look at the court to see what they would have to sit and listen to, and their jaws dropped*
Girls: Oh…
Boys: My…
All: God!
Zidane: I told you!
*out on the court, there was a table with a chair behind it, and who should be sitting there, but Sue Johanson, the sex expert* *behind her is a big screen and a projector and two little mannequins*
Kat: Guys, that's Sue Johanson, she's the one that hosts that show on Oxygen where people call in with sex questions and she answers them.
Gabriel: And you know because?
Kat: Because Hiei and I watch it to make fun of the people and their problems.
*Mr. Ransaw walks out to where Sue is sitting and takes the microphone*
Mr. Ransaw: Is everyone here? Good, now, we've been catching wind of students having intercourse on school grounds-(Kat: No, ya think? Under these bleachers it's like condom city.) (Other students- Eww!) And don't say that, it's a way of nature. So, we decided to bring in the sex expert Sue Johanson to explain everything to you all, and then if you have any questions afterward, feel free to ask them. *hands Sue the microphone*
Sue: *takes microphone* Thanks Mr. Ransaw, it's a great pleasure to be here and be able to talk to you all about my favorite subject to study. Now, before we get started, as your principal has said, I am Sue Johanson and I am a sexologist who helps people with their "problems". Now, with kids your age, your hormones are going on overdrive and you're exploring new interests. I'm here to teach you about these thing. Has anyone in here actually seen my show? *a few people including Kat and Hiei raise their hands* Good, so you'll know a lot on this subject. Nevertheless, pay close attention. Could someone cut the light so we can begin, please?
Mr. Rufa: *turns off the lights*
Sue: *turns on projector*
Projector: Welcome, and this is "Nature's Way for Humans"…
Alanna: Say what?
Gabriel: Original name.
*the eight watch with a bored look, then all of a sudden, their eyes grow huge and their jaws drop as sexual sounds are heard from the screen*
Crystal: O.O* Oh… my… God…
Alanna: Sick-ass, man! *hides face in Gabriel's shoulder*
Gabriel: Fuck off… There is no way they can be showing us this.
Kat: *bangs head on wall* Why… won't… the… pain… come?
Hiei: *stops her* You're gonna get a fucking concussion.
Zidane: *watching intently, taking notes*
Erin & Kenshin: O.O* ororo
Projector: Now that we've seen how intercourse can be performed in the missionary position, let's take a look at the separate sex organs before we move on to other positions and performances. *pulls up an image of a male diagram, a very DESCRIPTIVE diagram* *points to penis* This is the male penis, which is used for penetration of the vagina on a female.
Hiei: *lets go of Kat* Nevermind.
Erin & Kenshin: O.O**
Zidane: *barfs on someone in front of him*
Prep: EWW! HE BLEW CHUNKS ON ME!! *runs out screaming*
One of prep's many minions: Wait Ashley! Let me help you!
Crystal: … Quick, Zidane, barf on me!
Zidane: Nope, can't do that.
Crystal: Why not?!
Zidane: That was all of my lunch. I've got nothing else.
Crystal: DAMN IT!
Projector: Now we bring up the diagram of a female. *another descriptive diagram comes up*
Kenshin & Erin: .* ro…
Rest of Eight Grade: O.O*
Zidane: *resumes taking notes*
Alanna: *starts twitching*
Gabriel: Are you fucking enjoying this, Zidane?
Zidane: Some of it.
Projector: Now moving on to positions. This is how to do what kids your age like to call "Doggy Style"
All: *look at Erin*
Erin: *gives glare of death* Don't. Say. Anything.
All: *hide laughter*
Kenshin: , orororo…
Projector: Please notice the angle of the female in this position, campared to her position in this picture. Do you see the difference?
Alanna: *twitches Oh my God… isn't this considered porn?
Kat: It should! *continues to bang head into wall*
Crissy: It's education… of Satan!
Zidane: Well I'm happy nonetheless. *drooling*
Erin: *fetal position*
Kenshin: Ororo…
Hiei: *twitching*
Gabriel: *head in hands, trying hard to block it out* Oh my God, this is torture.
*suddenly the projector clicks off*
Sue: *walks up* At this point I want to pause and take your questions for a few minutes.
Kat: *yells* I HAVE A QUESTION SUE!
Sue: Yes honey?
Kat: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WE'RE 8TH GRADERS! NO ONE EXCEPT THE PERVS AND PREPS ARE ENJOYING THIS!
Sue: Sweetie, tell me. Are you suffering from sexual frustration?
Kat: O.o* W-what?!
Zidane: *jumps up and pulls Hiei up with him* He's her boyfriend, Sue! Ask him!
Hiei: *glares* DO YOU WANT TO DIE QUICK OR SLOW?!
CG: *rotfltao*
Sue: Oh. I see a communication problem here.
Hiei: WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ONNA NO BAKA?! KAT AND I COMMUNICATE JUST FINE!
Sue: In the bedroom as well?
Hiei: WHAT OTHER KIND OF COMMUNICATION IS TH- *BAM! Kat hits him with a frying pan*
Kat: URSAI KISAMA BAKA YOUKAI!
CG: *rotfltao still*
Guys: *sweat drop*
Kat: SHUT UP!
Sue: Any other questions?
Some girl: Yes, I have one.
Sue: And your name is?
Some girl: Ami. (a/n: No, not Sailor Mercury)
Mr. Ransaw: And we won't hold anything against you.
Ami: Well, when me and my boyfriend do it, he doesn't say anything. It's all quiet.
Kat: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! What, he's gonna pipe up and say, "How was your day?" while he's doing that?!
All: *look at Kat*
Kat: What? It's common sense!
Zidane: So you guys do do it!
Kat &Hiei: SHUT UP!
Crissy: Congrats Kat. That's the fifth thing you've said that we can diss you today. *places tally mark on paper*
Sue: Now, if you all will turn back to the projector:
All: *groan*
Projector: This is called a dominatrix, in which one of the partners takes control of the other. Here you can see the male is dominate; notice how she is tied up and blindfolded.
All: *twitch*
Alanna: Is this even legal?!?! *turns away*
Zidane: *avidly taking notes* Is that leather rope or normal?
All: shudder*
Kat: *resumes banging head on wall*
Crissy: My eyes! Why do they burn?!?! *twitching in fetal position*
Gabriel: My… God. *covers face in his hands*
Erin: That kind looks like Kat.
Kat: *stops* WHAT THE-?! *pushes Hiei*
Hiei: *falls on Alanna*
Alanna: *falls on Gabriel*
Gabriel: *falls*
Crissy: Hell no! *moves*
Gabriel: *falls on Zidane*
Zidane: *falls on Erin*
Erin: YOU BITCH! *pushes Zidane*
*goes on for the next ten minutes*
*when they finally stop, the projector had moved on to the next torture item*
Projector: *clicks off*
Sue: Now we have an example of a prostitute. Please come out.
*Mrs. Fosfet comes out with really skanky looking clothes.
Alanna &Gabriel: *twitching*
Kat: IT WON'T WORK! *hits head on the wall*
Hiei: O.O
Erin: Oh my God.
Kenshin: It burns, that it does!
Zidane: I think you'd look better Crissy.
Crissy: KILL ME!
Hiei: Zidane, can I see your notes?
Kat: *hits Hiei*
Zidane: *gives him notes*
Kat &Hiei: *laugh*
Rest: Oro?
Kat: *shows everyone*
*it's Crystal with a whip and Zidane- yea, you get the picture*
Crissy: O.O
Alanna: *hits ZyZy with random mallet* Stupid perv! Why do all of my cousins have to be such horny bastards?
Sue: I want all of you to pay attention to what prostitutes do. Here are our other examples, of both make and female.
*Mr. Rufa and Mr. Deen walk out wearing… yeah. Eww*
Random person: HEY! YOU SAID A MALE AND FEMALE EXAMPLE!
Sue: Yes, well Mr. Rufa has just recently become Ms. Rufa.
All: ?!
Sue: Yes… he got a sex change.
Rufa: *waves like a prom queen*
CGG &Guys: *twitch*
Aidane: *stands up and screams* WTF dude! That's not right!
Rufa: Now don't get emotional! *girly giggle*
All: *groans in disgust*
Rufa: Make those noises in your living rooms!
Gabriel: These two already beat you to it. *points to Kat and Hiei*
Kat &Hiei: Bastard! *pushes Alanna*
Alanna: KYA! *falls on Gabriel*
*bell rings to announce end of day*
All: *get up* *some run out*
Deen: Disregard that bell, you're staying after!
Sue: Yes, now if we'll please have a volunteer to help us with this…
*no one moves*
Sue: Okay then. We'll just have one of the teachers.
*none of the teachers are there. They all left awhile ago*
Sue: Fine, then we'll just continue on with the projector.
*lights go out and projector goes back on*
Projector: Now we are going to explain how oral sex can be performed.
Kat: *bangs head on wall again and notices there's enough room to slip under the bleachers* Hmm, I wonder. *slips under the bleachers* *nearly misses landing in a pile of junk* Yuck! Hey, I can't hear the projector! Cool!
*back up in the bleachers…"
Alanna: Hey, where'd Kat go?
Hiei: Hold on. *calls down under bleachers* Kat, did you fall down there again?
Kat: Oh shut up and get down here!
Hiei: Actually… that's a good idea.
Kat: Stop thinking about is and come down! *moves as he slips down and lands just besides the pile of junk*
Alanna: Hey! I wanna go down there!
Gabriel: Alanna, I doubt your fat ass could fit through.
Alanna: What've you been doing looking at my ass?
Gabriel: Well sorry, but it's kinda hard to miss.
Alanna: Shut up!
Projector: Do you notice the gentle movements the female is doing?
Erin &Kenshin: *fall over*
Crissy: *calls down to Kat: DON'T FORGET TO USE PROTECTION!
Kat: *incoherent cursing* Screw you Crissy! *incoherent cursing* Stupid whore!
Projector: *moaning* Notice the male's motions?
Gabriel: TURN IT OFF! NO ONE IS ENJOYING THIS BUT THE PERVS!
Zidane: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF MAN! LEAVE IT ON!
All: …
Crissy: … Example one. *points to Zidane*
Alanna: *sighs and puts hands over ears* THAT'S IT! I'M NOT LISTENING! *closes eyes* OR WATCHING! LA LA LA LA!
Projector: *very loud orgasm sound sample*
All: *twitch*
Zidane: ^-^ AGAIN!
Alanna: I CAN'T HEAR! YAY!
Sue: *thinks someone can't hear* Oh okay. *replays sound again so loud that the gym shakes*
All: *twitch*
Alanna: *heard that* O.o* OMG! WHY WON'T I JUST DIE?! *cries*
Zidane: ^-^ *turns chibi*
Alanna: … *looks up* OH FUCK! ZIDANE! NO CHIBI MODE! YOU'RE EVEN MORE SICK WHEN YOU'RE CHIBI!
Zidane: Hee hee hee… ^-^ *vanishes with a loud POP!*
Alanna: … Oh shit.
All: What?
Alanna: I really hope he doesn't…
*all of a sudden chibi Zidane runs out of the locker room naked with his underwear on his head*
All: *mortified*
Mr. -err, Ms. Rufa: What is a little dickens (lol, appropriate word) like you doing here? *hands on hips* Come back this instant! *stamps foot*
All: *still mortified*
Chibi Zidane: WEE WEE PEE PEE! *chants this and runs around*
Alanna: … Omg… *yells down the bleachers* KAT! HIEI! I HATE YOU! YOU CHOULD BE SUFFERING WITH THE REST OF US DAMN IT!
*suddenly chibi Zidane runs down into bleachers*
Alanna: … Oh. Okay then. N/m
*voices com from below the bleachers*
Zidane: MOMMY! DADDY!
Hiei: WTF?!
Kat: NO FUCKING WAYS!
Zidane: I ALWAYS KNEW MOMMY WAS A HOE!
Kat: WHAT?!
*Zidane is kicked up outta the bleachers from the middle and lands on the CCG's friend Vicki's lap*
Vicki: WTF?! NO WAY!
Zidane: ^-^
Vicki: *tries to throw him off but can't cuz his monkey tail (not the OTHER tail) is wrapped around her arms* OH FUCK!
Zidane: YAY!
Vicki: NO!
CGG: *point at her* HA HA!
Guys: *twitch*
Alanna: … that's it. Where's my cell phone? I'm calling my family over here… *searches through book bag*
Erin: Which reminds me. KAT, YOU FORGOT THIS! *throws her backpack down the bleachers*
Hiei: *backpack lands on his head* OW! GODDAMN INU NO BAKA! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!
Erin: *laughs and ignores him*
*all of a sudden she jumps up as her seat on the bleachers begins to emit smoke*
Erin: OW! THAT BURNED! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
CGG: *laugh and point*
Erin: SHUT UP!
Kenshin: Oro… Erin-dono…
Ms. Rufa: *yells up there to them* Excuse me, young lady, will you please take your seat?! Otherwise you'll be in I.S.S for the rest of the years starting now!
Erin: NOW?! *happy* I can leave here?!
Rufa: Yes!
Erin: … ^_^ Ok then… FUCK ALL YOU! POWELL SUCKS! *makes donuts appear out of nowhere and throws them at Rufa* DIE YOU HERMAFRODITE BITHCH! DIE!
Rufa: *blows whistle* That's it, missy, out now! I.S.S for the rest of the year!
Erin: WOOHOO! *grabs bag* Bye suckers! *runs down, killing several preps*
Rufa: That's right! You'll be spending I.S.S with me and Mr. Deen!
Erin: *stops in tracks as she squashes the head of an ultra-prep (don't ask, I'm tired)* WWHAT?!
CGG: *point and laugh*
Erin: NO! *gets dragged out of the gym by her ear* PARLAY! PLEASE!
Alanna: FINALLY! My cell phone! *pulls out cellphone that is all green and red with pink hearts on it. The words "I 3 G-chan!" are engraved all over it in permanent ink*
All: *sweat drop*
Gabriel: *slams fist into head* Why me?! WHY?!
Alanna: *punchs in phone number, waits* Hm? Oh, hiya Cloud-brother! Could you do me a teensy favor? … NO, not saving the world! Who d'ya think I am?! No. Go get your motorcycle and bust us outta my gym at school. … Whaddya mean 'why'?! CUZ I'M YOUR SISTER YOU BIG MEANIE AND IF YOU DON'T I'M GONNA TELL TIFA YOU'RE CHEATING ON HER WITH AERITH! … Yea, thought so. Thank you Cloud-brother. I wuv you! 3 … Hey, he hung up. OH well! *turns off phone* It'll only be a matter of time now until-
Projector: *emits another sound sample*
Alanna: *twitch… goes into fetal position*
All: *sweat drop*
Erin: *opens the doors, but no one seems to notice because of… yeah* *runs up the stairs, killing many preps and jocks*
Crissy: Ah man! Now we can's kill Ms. Rufa or Mr. Deen!
Erin: *sits down next to Kenshin* I feel violated!
Alanna: Why, what happened?
Erin: BECAUSE! That stupid HERMAFRODITE pulled my ear!
Crissy: That's no reason to feel violated! I've been sitting with a a fucking monkey for about an hour!
Mr. Deen: *opens doors*
Erin: Meep!
Cloud: *runs over Mr. Deen with his motorcycle*
CGG: COOL!
Ms Rufa: Hey you! You can't do that! Do you want O.S.S.?
Alanna: Kill him brother Cloud! Oh fuck!
Cloud: *looks at Ms. Rufa* *rides off with Ms. Rufa following*
Alanna: NO! Cloud-brother! Get back here!
Erin: Hey, I just realized something…
Hiei: *still under the bleachers* That you're an inu no baka?
Erin: SHUT UP! *throws Alanna's cell phone down at Hiei and Kat*
Crissy &Alanna: ERIN! *hits Erin over the head*
Erin: Ow! What did I do?!
Crissy: YOU THREW OUR ESCAPE DOWN THAT HOLE! *hits her again*
Erin: Ow! Like I was saying! *turns to Kenshin* Why didn't you help me when I was in trouble?
Kenshin: Well Erin-dono… I … uh…
Erin: *crying* YOU'RE SOOOO MEAN KENSHIN! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF! *hits Kenshin over the head*
Kenshin: ORO!
Crissy: HEY! You're NOT allowed to hit him!
Erin: Yeah I am, he's my boyfriend!
Crissy: Well he's my brother.
Crissy &Erin: *start arguing*
Sue: Now, how many of you know the definition of "love-making"?
*Tara raises her hand*
All of eight-grade: *screams* PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!
Tara: *puts her hand down* RUDE!
Sue: Alright, love-making is an art that goes way back in time.
Crissy: No shit, how the hell are we here if it didn't?
Sue: No, I want you to imagine your parents making love to create you.
*silence*
All of eighth grade: *sit there, twitching* EWWWW!