Disclaimer- This work is for fan purposes only. The characters, plot, and literary references all belong to their respective owners (not me!) and are used here without permission. Enjoy!
When all the world is a hopeless jumble...
Laura Hobson had the sensation that she was flying through the air. Maybe it was the dirt flying in her face when she was buried alive. Maybe it was a bomb blast- albeit a small one- that she had experienced vicariously through her lover. Or maybe it was a twister.
When she came to her senses, she picked herself up off the ground and stumbled around a bit, disoriented. She cautiously approached the flurry of activity in a field- about a dozen tiny SOCOs were attending a corpse. It appeared as if the victim had been crushed by a house… Laura noticed the red-sequined stiletto heeled shoes on the legs protruding from underneath the house and swore that she'd seen an identical pair on Jean Innocent the night of her karaoke leaving do. From the corner of her eye she saw the new Chief Superintendent Moody grandstanding amidst the assembled team of pint-sized SOCOs. "To whoever did this: I'll get you, and your little accomplices too!" Moody then cackled with self-congratulatory laughter.
Laura decided that she had best move on. "I don't think I'm in Oxford anymore," she whispered to no one in particular. But someone had heard her. It was the Good Sergeant of the North- Leeds, Laura suspected, judging by the sergeant's accent.
"Oxford? No, you're in Oz."
"Oz? I was supposed to go to New Zealand!" Laura said.
"Well, New Zealand's a bit far, but you're in the right part of the world, anyway. You should be able to get a quick flight from the Emerald City. Just follow the yellow brick road."
Laura thanked the Good Sergeant of the North and set out along her path.
It wasn't long before she came upon a Tin Detective, tall and rusty. She examined his statuesque form and noticed a post-it note stuck to his torso. "Come over and pick up the damn fishing poles. Love, Nell." Suspecting that the Tin Detective was a sentient being, Laura pried the oil can from his grip and began to lubricate his joints.
"Thanks," said the Tin Detective as he began to stretch his limbs. "I got caught in the rain and rusted over just like that. Who are you?"
"I'm Laura Hobson. I'm going to New Zealand to see my family."
"Ah, family. I know that I should care about my family, but I don't have a heart."
"Is Nell your family?" Laura asked.
"Nell is my sister, and the fishing poles were my father's."
"Oh, I see. I'm sorry."
"No, you're all right. Like I said, I don't have a heart. Dad is in a home with dementia. He's become a bit of a scarecrow. Not much of his brain works anymore, I'm afraid."
"Maybe you should go to see him and Nell now that you're operational again."
"No, I… can't… move." As he uttered these words, he began to stiffen up. Laura oiled him up again.
"Well, I suppose you could come to the Emerald City with me. I'm going to hop a flight from there to New Zealand, but I hear that there's a wizard there. Perhaps the wizard could give you a heart."
The Tin Detective readily agreed, so he and Laura continued along their way.
As the yellow brick road led the two through a forest, Laura heard a constant rustling of leaves behind them. She knew that someone else was with them, some sort of benevolent beast. When she and the Tin Detective stopped to rest for the night, the furry being came out from the shadows and curled up with her as she slept. He emitted a soft snore as she snuggled into his fur, not unlike a purring lion. It all seemed so natural to her that Laura didn't know exactly when he'd entered her life, only that he'd been there for a very long time.
As morning dawned, the Cowardly Inspector started to creep away again. "Don't go, Lion!" she besought him. "I'm going to New Zealand to see my family, and I want you to come with me!"
"I'm scared, Laura." The Cowardly Inspector swished his leonine tail nervously. "I can't leave Oz; my badge is only good here." He flashed his warrant card and Laura thought that she caught a glimpse of a familiar "Ro-" but something was amiss.
"Let me see that." He gingerly handed her his warrant card; she flipped opened the badge-holder and saw that it read "ROAR!"
"Very impressive, Inspector," she said ironically.
"People respect me here because of my badge. If I leave Oz, I am afraid that I'll be nothing there and forgotten here. I will go with you as far as the Emerald City, but I won't go to New Zealand. I'm sorry, love."
"I know you are," she whispered. She turned away, but he enveloped her with his furry paws and held her close. He batted her hair with his paw like a wild cat might play with its prey.
"And to think that I'm the one who doesn't have a heart," commented the Tin Detective.
After a long journey, the trio arrived at the Wizard's castle in the Emerald City. The castle reminded Laura of Oxford's prestigious colleges and dreaming spires. She walked confidently past the porter at the gate.
The porter tried to stop her, "who do you think you are, miss?"
"Laura Hobson. Clarinet. Sagittarius. Favourite colour blue." She stated irreverently.
The porter consulted his clipboard and made a tick mark on his list. "Right. But who are they?" He asked, indicating Laura's companions.
"This is the Tin Detective; he's come to see the wizard about his heart- or lack thereof. And while we're here, I thought we'd see if the wizard could give this lion a shot of courage."
"Roar," said the Cowardly Inspector timidly as he produced his warrant card from somewhere within his fur. The porter decided not to pursue the matter any further.
Laura, the Tin Detective, and the Cowardly Inspector entered the wizard's chamber where they were greeted by a disembodied voice. They identified themselves and spoke words of flattery to the wizard before making their requests.
"Have you brought me the ruby shoes and the witch's broom?" The wizard asked.
"What the devil is she going on about?" asked the Cowardly Inspector.
"I haven't the foggiest," responded Laura.
The Tin Detective too was curious. The heartless cleverclogs pulled back a nearby curtain to reveal the wizard herself holding a microphone. The three travellers stood gobsmacked.
"Why are you all staring at me like dogs being shown a card trick?" the wizard asked.
"Jean Innocent? But I thought that you…"
"That I had been promoted to the Suffolk Constabulary? Rubbish. My departure was part of a top secret plan by the uppermost echelons of the government to…"
"No," Laura interrupted. "I thought that you'd been crushed by a house."
"Oh," sighed Innocent. "Never mind then, about the top secret whatnot. How can I help you?"
"I need a heart," said the Tin Detective.
"I have just the thing," said the wizard. She proudly handed him a cactus. "Life is prickly sometimes. But that's no excuse to neglect your garden. Be honest; sometimes, you yourself are the prickly one. But even a cactus will bloom if you treat it right. Don't forget your loved ones if you don't want to be forgotten yourself."
"But that's just it; my dad's like a scarecrow who doesn't remember me. Can you help him?"
"No," said the wizard, shaking her head sadly. "Only you can do that, you and Nell together. Your heart can only be healed alongside those who love you and whom you love in return."
"I see," said the Tin Detective.
"Is there anything else?" asked the wizard.
The Cowardly Inspector approached the wizard, holding Laura's hand in his paw. "Can you do anything for me?" he asked.
"Of course," the wizard said. She raised her hands around them as if to cast a spell. Then she rather roughly banged the Inspector's head against Laura's."
"OW!" they cried in unison. The wizard's blow had worked like a charm, however.
"Forgive me, Laura, I've been a bit of a fool. A whole lot of a fool, actually. I will go to New Zealand with you after all."
"Oh Lion, are you sure?" The Inspector roared enthusiastically in response. Laura leapt up, threw her arms around his neck, and buried her face in his ample mane.
"New Zealand, is it?" The wizard asked. "I have just the thing. My hot-air balloon is waiting outside."
Laura and the Inspector bid a fond good-bye to the Tin Detective and the wizard before floating away. The Tin Detective watched as his friends grew smaller and smaller until he finally lost sight of them somewhere over the rainbow.
Robbie Lewis gently nudged Laura as he whispered in her ear, "Wake up, love. Come on now, that's it. We made it."
Laura blinked a few times and stared at him blearily. "Where are we?"
"Still on this bloody plane. We've just landed in New Zealand. You took something to help you sleep during the long flight. We hit a lot of turbulence along the way and I think it upset you. You were mumbling all sorts of strange things… like munchkin SOCOs?"
"I had a dream, Robbie. You were there, and James, and Innocent, and Lizzie, and even Moody."
"And you thought that I was the one having a hard time letting go."
"Well, after all, there's no place like home, Robbie."
"Be that as it may, we both deserve a respite from crime and corpses. Come on, love, we're turning the page to a new chapter."
He kissed her gently and Laura followed Robbie off the plane ready to embark on their new adventure.