The One about absolutely nothing
Open: The gang is all sitting in Central Perk being served coffee by Gunther. He hands out the food and the coffee to the group and just before he gets to Rachael he quickly turns around and blows on her coffee. Kind of like a "oh its too hot hunny, let me blow on it to cool it down for you" moment. Nobody notices this of course as he finishes and hands it to her. He walks off quietly and in the background we see him staring at her waiting for her to thank him.
Rachael: (taking sip) Ouch! Hot.
Ross: Oh here let me see that. (blows on cup)
Rachael: Thanks Ross, that was so sweet of you.
Gunther: (in background loudly) BASTARD!
Cut to: The gang all turning around to look at him. He notices this and embarrassingly turns to another girl and starts to speak.
Gunther: You gave him free coffee! How dare you. (looks at group) Heh, walked out with out paying.
Monica: So you called him a bastard?
Joey: Hey, why not, if someone was trying to eat my food and get away without paying it I would say the same thing.
Chandler: No, you just lock the door and say "Pay up Bitch!"
Joey: Same difference.
Title sequence
Open on Joey's apartment. He is sitting in his chair playing a game on his PlayStation with Hugsy his bedtime penguin pal sitting on his lap. He is laughing and having a good time until we see that he loses the racing game he is playing.
Joey: Damnit! Stupid little bird! He cut me off and made me race off the cliff! I hate birds! (looks down to hugsy) Oh but not you my little penguin pal. (gives Hugsy a hug)
Rachael: (walks out of room) Hey Joey, did you talk to Ross about that thing tomorrow night?
Joey: Uhh….what thing?
Rachael: You know, the thing with me taking Emma to my parents for the weekend.
Joey: Oh, yeah…..I did….not.
Rachael: Ugh Joey! I told you to tell him.
Joey: C'mon, it's not like he is going to care.
Rachael: You know he doesn't like it when I leave her with them for the weekend.
Joey: Hey, I'm only one man, I can't fix the universe like Superman did.
Rachael: What is that supposed to mean?
Joey: It means that I can't fly around the earth with super speed to reverse time.
Rachael: But what does that have to do with the current situation.
Joey: Nothing.
Rachael: Nothing?
Joey: Right, absolutely nothing.
Rachael: But Joe, I need you to talk to him for me. I have to go to work and he isn't working today and I need you to let him know for me and make sure to calm him down and…..
Joey: (cutting her off) Alright already! Sheesh, first its flying around the universe to reverse time and save Lois Lane and now it's telling Ross that Superman needs him to take his daughter to Rachael's parents for the weekend. I'm only one man. This is why Superman works alone!
Rachael: It's a good thing you're so cute and can make a mean pot of spaghetti or else I would kick you so hard, even Jimmy Olsen would feel it in his fake little world.
Joey: Now I am Jimmy Olsen! Man, he never gets the girls.
Cut to: Monica's apartment and Phoebe, Chandler, Ross and Monica are playing a rousing game of Monopoly. Chandler is just about to roll the dice when Joey comes walking in.
Joey: Whatcha doin?
Pheobe: Trying to beat the dynasty that is known as the Geller-Trumps at Monoply.
Chandler: Yes and it gets really creepy playing after a while too.
Monica: You only say that cause you always end up in Jail after your first time around the board.
Ross: Plus…it doesn't help when you're cheap either.
Chandler: Hmm…cheap…and who was the one that paid for our wedding?
Monica: Umm…Ross…he may look cheap, but when you can foot the bill for your wedding next time, assuming there ever is a next time, then you will realize that he isn't cheap.
Chandler: Aww thanks Mon.
Monica: Shut up convict!
Pheobe: Will you hurry up and just roll the dice Chandler. I want to be able to have my little doggy mimic peeing on you as I pass you in the jail.
Chandler rolls the dice and sure enough he lands on the Go To Jail space. He doesn't say anything and just puts token on the jail space. Pheobe takes the dice and just like she said, rolls and moves pass Chandler but not before she stops her piece to fake pee on his Top Hat. The dice go to Monica and she gets ready to roll.
Joey: Hey is it too late for me to join in?
Monica: Ok, Donald, here we go.
Ross: Right, Ivana. Roll some doubles and get us Boardwalk.
Joey: Scratch that idea.
Chandler: Why?
Joey: It's a little too weird for me when Monica and Ross start calling each other Donald and Ivana.
Ross: And its not weird that you like to teach your stuffed penguin how to play video games?
Joey: Hey, if I don't teach him, no one will!
Joey storms out of the door and the gang continues to play as we cut to a commercial break.