Title: Devastation and Reform
Author: Nat
Summary: Sometimes she just wishes it all could have turned out differently
Pairing: Bill/Karen
Word Count: 655
Spoilers: Up to 6x24
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Its not that they can't be happy without their work, it's just that they're both still getting up at ungodly hours of the morning, with nowhere to go.
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"Karen just because she isn't yours, doesn't mean she isn't yours"
The words float around in her head for weeks. She never wanted children until it was too late. She always thought she had time, but was always busy. Now she has miles of time and no children.
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Sometimes the house in Vermont feels too big and she craves the crowded streets of LA with the faint sound of sirens in the distance. Then other times it feels too claustrophobic and everything seems to bare down on her, crushing her.
She never regretted firing him, because if she did, that means she would have been a widow.
But sometimes she just wishes it all could have turned out differently.
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She had a miscarriage just after they were married.
God, and she didn't even know she was pregnant until the blood and the cramping. She'd never seen Bill look anything but calm and composed. Panicked looked unnatural on him, made her out of her mind with fear.
The doctor had said, that with her age and her lifestyle –her job and the stress- it was unfortunate, but common. She couldn't look Bill in the eyes.
She'd lost their child without even knowing it was there.
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Every so often she thinks about what life could have been like if she'd met Bill years earlier. If they could have balanced their work and a relationship and maybe children. But when she thinks about that, she thinks about how much more disciplined she was back then, how driven and career orientated she was.
She probably wouldn't have given him the time of day.
Or maybe they might have been lovers, a good tryst every time the other was in Seattle or Virginia.
And while she loves him and loves their life, she can't help but feel like she missed out on something.
That maybe they both missed out on something.
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They fight one night, about nothing, about everything.
Barbed words thrown across the table that separates them, but it might as well be miles of dirt like it was not six months ago.
Bill hates confrontation, but she lives for it, she's not afraid to get in and get her hands dirty, to deal with consequences later.
She can't remember who said it, but the strained silence that followed after the word 'divorce' poisoned its way through the argument, almost broke her heart and for the first time in months, she really saw him, saw everything exposed, saw how battered and bruised he was.
They were both so clearly unhappy, but she didn't have it in her to let go of him too.
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In the fall, with leaves of the most vibrant red and orange falling around them, Bill draws her in close holding her so delicately.
He kisses her, and she wants this to be forever.
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Chloe asks them to be her Daughters god parents, while Jack just stands beside her with the goofy grin of an expected Father. Of course they accept, and for the rest of the evening she has this… feeling running through her veins, spreading through her entire body, something she's never felt before.
She watches Bill closely from across the room and his eyes tag hers, even from here she can see the same feeling reflected there. Longing and acceptance.
A heavy cloud of what-ifs.
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Laying awake one night with Bill curled around her. In the dark she finally has the courage.
His fingers press lightly against her stomach and she knows what he's thinking. It's what they've both been thinking about for weeks, maybe months.
"Bill"
She feels his lips against the back of her neck.
"Yes?"
"How do you feel about adoption?"
fin