Under the Stars
"So... what was it you wanted to talk about?" Suzaku queried across the table.
He really was dense, Lelouch thought. It wasn't like he was even trying to be subtle anymore. All of Lelouch's cleverly laid traps to test whether Suzaku felt anything beyond mere friendship for him had been obliviously ignored. The hints he had dropped in front of the Japanese boy about how he never would be interested in people like Shirley or Milly, that is to say, women fell on deaf ears.
So it had come to this: a romantic dinner for two at the best Italian restaurant in the Settlement. Candles. The view of the city. Stars above them. A live quartet in the corner. Champagne. Even rose petals scattered across the white tablecloth, occasionally turning over in the summer breeze.
And yet, somehow, despite everything, Suzaku still wondered what Lelouch had wanted to talk about. It was part exasperating, part depressing, and yet wholly Suzaku. Lelouch exhaled, a half smile forming on his lips.
"Suzaku..." Lelouch began, sighing. At least he had already realized there was no way Suzaku would figure it out on his own, so had prepared to spill his secret already.
"Yes?" Suzaku's voice was completely innocent and Lelouch almost wondered if what he was about to tell Suzaku would change that completely.
One step at a time, he reminded himself, and see how he responds. Lelouch looked up from his oil-soaked bread to meet Suzaku's bright green eyes, and nearly swooned. Yes, it would be a lot better once he said something to Suzaku... at least he'd feel relieved and might not have to hide his reactions so thoroughly. Lelouch took a steadying breath, as Suzaku's face grew more serious, his brows knitting together. Apparently, if Lelouch wasn't talking right away, Suzaku could tell there was something important he needed to tell him... nevermind the rose petals.
"There really isn't a neat way to say this," Lelouch started, holding eye contact across the small table. "But it's an important thing that I need to tell you, and eventually everyone. But for now... just you."
Suzaku nodded without speaking, waiting patiently for Lelouch to finish.
"Suzaku, I like men."
"Huh?" Suzaku blinked, and Lelouch sighed. Of course, Suzaku hadn't been thinking Lelouch's important thing would be his best friend admitting he was gay. Suzaku's face didn't change, remaining frozen with his forehead slightly wrinkled, except his eyes blinked a few more times than necessary. "You mean... like... people in general?"
Lelouch prevented himself from slamming his face into his plate, instead exhaling through his nose and closing his eyes before responding. "No, Suzaku."
"You mean..." Suzaku straightened slightly in his seat. Lelouch watched his Adam's apple bob once as he swallowed. There was a long pause as Suzaku opened his perfect mouth and no words came out.
Lelouch drew in a silent breath. He willed himself to be patient. It was probably just taking Suzaku a bit of time to process the information. But did he really want Suzaku using this new information to do a speedy remake of their lives thus far together? Was Suzaku the kind of person to look back on all of the time they had spent together, and tinge every scene with rainbow? Was he thinking about the last time they met on the rooftop, when Lelouch had held a hand out to stop Suzaku's hair from blowing into his emerald eyes? Was he reimagining Lelouch's motives for after-school study sessions? Had Suzaku ever noticed that when they both happened to be present for a gym lesson, Lelouch's clumsiness increased tenfold? Did he notice the way Lelouch had been acting tonight? How he had pulled his hand away quickly when they had both attempted to open the door at the same time, and Suzaku's fingers had brushed feather-light against the back of his hand? The memories flooded past Lelouch, and he couldn't help but realize that perhaps this time he had made a grave error. How could he have thought this would be better? Something in his chest constricted uncomfortably.
What did Suzaku think of him?
He blinked, and looked across the table, the bread, and the oil, up to Suzaku. The other boy's brow had softened, and he was staring at Lelouch with a look of something like sympathy.
"I'm glad you told me, Lelouch," he said quietly. He looked up from his place and directly into Lelouch's eyes, effectively pinning Lelouch to not just his spot, but the entire, frozen moment. Everything seemed to slow down, and all the background noise faded away.
Lelouch could feel his heart beat, once, twice, underneath his ribcage. It was pointless to try to even breath when Suzaku's green eyes were looking at him that way.
"I don't mind if you're gay, Lelouch." Lelouch watched Suzaku's lips move in slow motion as the words penetrated his brain. Suzaku didn't mind? Suzaku had even started to smile, causing Lelouch's heart to beat twice is loud succession. One of Suzaku's eyebrows lifted slowly, giving Suzaku a playful expression that Lelouch found painfully pleasant. He opened his lips again, speaking with a gentle, mischievous air. "As long as you don't find yourself falling for me." Suzaku laughed, like a fatal, tolling bell.
The world crashed into focus around Lelouch, and time sped back up. Suzaku gave Lelouch a wink that he nearly missed, and their dinners suddenly arrived, and Lelouch could hardly pick up his fork or spoon, and his pasta was not remotely appetizing. He was sure that Suzaku was talking to him, and that he was making polite conversation back, and it seemed as if the entire conversation from earlier was forgotten, or perhaps just accepted and then they had both moved on.
Then, suddenly, Suzaku cleared his throat and caught Lelouch's eye. Lelouch glanced up in dread, loving and hating those deliciously green eyes.
"If you don't mind my asking, Lelouch," he began, absently twirling his spaghetti with his fork, "Who was it that made you... realize?"
"Realize what?" Lelouch asked, fiddling with the napkin on his lap. God, those eyes. This had been a stupid, stupid idea. He should be off bossing around Ougi and the rest of the Black Knights, telling C.C. to get rid of her endless pizza boxes, anything but sitting here with Suzaku Kururugi across the table from him.
"Who was it that made you realize that you were gay?" Suzaku asked it quite naturally. Even so, Lelouch didn't dare to let himself breathe until the other boy had finished. "It seems to me that something like that would take an event - like a trigger - to make you realize it, a person that suddenly makes you understand what your own feelings are.... Am I wrong?"
"Y-you're not wrong," Lelouch stammered. Suzaku continued to watch him from above his plate of pasta, and in that moment, Lelouch panicked.
This was unacceptable. Why had he given in and told Suzaku everything? What had he been expecting to get out of it? Suzaku had made it clear that Lelouch wasn't allowed to fall for him, and if Lelouch lost his control, here in the middle of the restaurant... Lelouch would just have to Geass him. No – he had already Geassed him, so he couldn't do it again! Damn, if only he had kept his mouth shut....
"Lelouch?"
"It's nothing," Lelouch said, his hand positioned smartly and elegantly over his eyes to shield the wild emotions that his childhood friend might read there. "You're right that there was a person."
Suzaku had put his fork down now, and he looked quite concerned when Lelouch at last mustered the strength to meet his gaze again. His voice was gentle. "But I asked you who, Lelouch." A second later, he looked flustered with himself. "Of course, you don't have to answer. I just thought it might help you to talk about it. I suppose that you've told me so much already, it's rude of me to ask who made you realize."
Lelouch couldn't bear to see Suzaku looking upset. He searched for words. When he didn't answer, Suzaku began to look more uncomfortable, as if he believed he had gone too far. "Su...Suzaku, that's not what I...." He needed to say something to reassure his friend. Just take that look of shame off his beautiful face. Lelouch got lost in Suzaku's green eyes again.
"Then," Suzaku prompted carefully, leaning closer across the top of the table, food forgotten. "The one that made you realize you were gay was...?"
"Rivalz," Lelouch breathed immediately, using the first male name that came to mind. He didn't want Suzaku to draw away.
"Ri-rivalz?" Suzaku repeated, looking a little shocked, but taking it reasonably well and trying to hide his surprise.
Lelouch blinked and when he opened his eyes, he was already looking away from Suzaku's tantalizing presence so close from across the table. He kept his hand against his face, hoping the shadows cast by the flickering candlelight would make it too difficult for Suzaku to correctly interpret his emotions.
"Ah," he replied, feeling his stomach turn on his Italian food. Lying to Suzaku... hurt. He swallowed the lump building in his throat.
"So," Suzaku began, still looking like he needed to catch his mental balance but pulling through for the sake of a friend, "Are you going to tell him?"
Lelouch jerked back to face Suzaku, his hand falling away. "What? Of course not! How could I... tell the one I... I mean... he'd be too... it just wouldn't work. It'd ruin everything." He looked down and away.
It would ruin the little bit of you that I already have, Suzaku. I can't tell the one I love that it's you.
"That's not necessarily true, Lelouch," Suzaku returned, concern and worry etched into his face. His face moved an inch closer, the distance between them decreasing. "You should be able to tell the person you like that you like them. No matter what."
Lelouch could suddenly feel his heart pounding in his ears. He looked up into Suzaku's eyes, feeling like he was spiraling out of control and reaching higher at the same time. "No matter... what?"
"Love is something that should be shared, right?" Suzaku encouraged him. Lelouch felt torn in half. He had arrived prepared to state the truth about his feelings for Suzaku if necessary, but now... now that the moment was upon him, he was lying and afraid that the truth would be too much. Now that Suzaku's beautiful green eyes and tanned face was so close to his, Lelouch never wanted it to go away. The thought of Suzaku turning from him was too much, too painful to contemplate.
"Su... suzaku...." He let out the name in a half-sigh, half-moan. Everything he wanted was right before him, so close and yet still out of reach. Suzaku would never...
...be mine.
"Le...louch?" Suzaku's eyes were wide, the moment of comprehension had finally hit home. Suzaku quietly retreated back across the table, his face never slackening. He seemed to be moving slowly as if in a trance. "It-it's not Rivalz, is it...."
"No, it's not."
"I'm sorry, Lelouch."
The silence stretched between them for a long time, even after Suzaku's departing footsteps left Lelouch alone with the stars.
So... yeah, I thought I posted this like, a long time ago? Apparently I haven't? Sorry, and thanks to Diana Prince for asking for this.
And full of more angst than I'm usually capable of. In my defense, it wasn't supposed to be angsty until the other two authors got their paws on it. So I was forced to write an ending to match. Thanks for reading and please leave a review!