Story: Rant
Author: Arsenic Android
Summary: Naruto is upset at all the SasuNaru fanfictions he's read, so he decides to rant to Sasuke, causing them to get involved in some questionable activities. NaruSasu. Crap summary… sorry. NO SPOILERS
Rating: M for so-called questionable activities and swearing. No lemon, sorry.
Disclaimer: I pretended to be a ninja for a while so I could steal off with Naruto and Sasuke, but Rock Lee and Maito Gai found me and smiled in my direction until I went blind from the brightness. Alas, I do not own Naruto or any aspect of the show. Damn those ninjas and their too shiny teeth!
Authoress' note: I quickly came up with this as I was mowing the lawn, so it's completely random. (I space out when doing my chores, so that's the time when most of my stories come about…) I do admit to the general plotline of "Naruto and Sasuke discover fanfiction and commence fucking like bunnies immediately after," to be completely overused, but I thought I'd give it a shot at writing one anyways. Naruto and Sasuke are living together though, so they're already in a relationship. They're older, both jounin, so just make up your own reason for why they're together k?

I returned home to the sound of Naruto ranting at the top of his lungs. There was crashing, swearing and a lot of groaning. I chuckled and set down my bags of groceries so I could shrug off my jounin jacket when I heard another crash. This one was accompanied by silence, so I ran into our living room with fright, only to see Naruto lying flat on his back, glaring at the chair that was resting on top of him.

"Hi dobe. What are you doing?" I chortled at him, watching him go cross-eyed trying to focus on me.

"Damn chair," he muttered, getting up and rubbing the fast growing bump on his head.

I walked over to him and gave the lump a kiss. "You're so cute," I muttered, giving him a half hug.

"NO!" Naruto shouted, practically giving me a heart attack. He started ranting again and pacing in a circle. "It's all your fault! Too feminine…. Ha!… got Kyuubi….. girly," Were all the words I could decipher spewing forth from his almost foaming mouth.

"Naruto!" I shouted, waving a hand in front of his face. He stopped to glare at me.

"What?"

"What's your problem? Not happy to see me? I've been on a mission for five days." Naruto's eye twitched, but then he turned around and grabbed a bunch of papers from his desk.

Waving them in front of my face, he exclaimed, "This! This is my problem baka!" He threw the papers at me which I caught easily. Rolling my eyes at his immature behavior, I turned my gaze down at the papers Naruto had thrown at me which were all covered in scribbles in the messy scrawl that he called writing. I wasn't able to decode any of it.



"What is this?" I asked, holding up the papers at a still irate Naruto.

"SasuNaru," He growled into my face. Something clicked.

"You've been reading fanfiction again haven't you?" I stated, understanding finally registering somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain.

"Humph." He answered, not really a statement.

I put an arm around him and led him over to the couch. Sitting him down, I tried to get control over the situation. "Let's see, you're upset because of the fanfiction you've been reading?" when I got no response, I continued, "I told you not to read any of that crap anyways."

Naruto sputtered. "Crap!? It's not crap! I read it cause it makes me feel good when you're gone! Ah! Ah! And you know what!?"

"SasuNaru?" I queried.

"SASUNaru!" he shouted in my ear. I just raised an eyebrow at him.

Growling, Naruto shoved the papers in my lap and pointed angrily at them. "Read!"

I attempted to make sense of the scrawls, but I still couldn't do it. Gesturing helplessly, he wrenched the papers from me and waved them in front of my face.

"First story!" Naruto started, "An author named StrongGirl: Guess who's seme and has all his wicked ways with me!?" I cringed. I hadn't seen him get worked up like this in a long time.

"Here's more! MindReader, ShyLass, WeaponQueen and IchaIchaIzLove ALL Wrote SasuNaru Stories!" Naruto paused for a moment. Breathing deeply he continued, "Mind you, the story ShyLass wrote was quite cute, but that's not the point!"

Naruto growled again. "And IchaIchaIzLove? Don't get me started! Hard Yaoi? Graphic Lemons!? AND GUESS WHO'S UKE!?" He threw more papers at me. It was the story by IchaIchaIzLove; and it was easily twelve pages long. I started skimming through the second page, and within seconds I got a tiny nosebleed. Kami, I could see why Naruto was addicted to this stuff.

Reading the um, descriptive "activities" outlined on the page in front of me made me wonder about the authors. StrongGirl had to be Sakura. MindReader was Ino probably. ShyLass; Hinata maybe? WeaponQueen could have been Tenten, but I had never really talked to the girl before, so I wasn't really sure how she had gotten into this stuff. That only left me wondering who IchaIchaIzLove could possibly b- No way.

"Kakashi-sensei?!" I stammered, causing Naruto to be interrupted in his third long rant since I had come home.

"What?" He asked, if somewhat coldly.



I waved my hand at him hurriedly. "Nothing dobe. Nothing."

Naruto continued. "And out of the BAJILLIONS I found on this site, only ONE was NaruSasu. And the entire time I'm moaning about how small my friggin' DICK is!" He chucked another sheaf of paper at the ground. "Fucking 'SkilledPainter'."

Ahh, Sai. That would make sense. Naruto was silent. I just sat there with my arm still around him while he fumed.

I felt him relax a bit in my arms after a few moments, so I softly said, "Dobe? What do you want me to do about it?"

He turned to glare at me. I kept talking, in a softer tone though. "Don't you like bottoming?"

Naruto brought his eyes to his lap and glared at what seemed to be nothing. "I do, but that's not the point." There was silence for a few moments. "You know, SkillfullPainter's lemons are actually quite good." He said hopefully, still staring at his lap.

I had a feeling that I knew where this was going.

"Saasuuke?" Oh no. "You love me right?"

Dammit. I was going to kill Sai for putting ideas in Naruto's head.

"Of course I do dobe."

It wasn't that I needed to assert my dominance over Naruto, I just had never offered to let him top because I was slightly scared. Scared of what, I wasn't really sure. I was a ninja, so I had been in excruciating pain many times, but I didn't really know what to expect with the whole sex thing. I mean, Naruto seemed to enjoy it, so maybe I would too.

I turned my gaze over to Naruto. Holding out my hand, I said, "Hand me that won't you?"

I swear, he squealed. Like actually squealed like a little girl. I sighed and started reading Sai's story.

It was all about how weak we were as ninjas and how Naruto had a really small dick but wasted no time in seducing me just by licking an ice cream cone nearby. It was quite pathetic how Sai portrayed us both as extremely girly and needy for each other, and that I jumped him and ripped off my clothing in two seconds flat. The lemons were extremely well written, although I failed to understand why I had to be reduced to tears and constantly begging Naruto to "enter me and fuck me senseless." Sai's words, not mine. I was going to have to have a word with him and urge him to conduct his own sexual experiments.

It was only after I had finished reading that I realized that I was getting a bit of a hard-on. Ok, Sai's story had been well written, but it wasn't arousing. Looking down, I then came to the realization that Naruto had one of his hands on my crotch and was slowly rubbing the quickly growing bulge through my pants. Kami, how had I not felt that before?



I tilted my head so I could see a grinning Naruto out of the corner of my eye. Oh what the hell, why not throw caution to the wind and let the poor guy top. I had bought lube two nights before, so I figured we were all set.

I sighed and murmured a reluctant, "Fine."

Naruto whooped and hoisted me over his shoulder like I was no heavier than a sack of potatoes. As he led me to our bedroom, he couldn't resist grabbing my ass and squeezing it, earning a gasp of surprise from me. Damn this was awkward. How could Naruto handle it?

My question was never really answered as he threw me on the bed and straddled me. Hmm, that's an interesting ceiling color. I've never noticed that before.

The ceiling was instantly forgotten as Naruto ripped off my shirt in record time and latched beautiful pink lips on one of my nipples. I gasped and ground both our erections together. Naruto moaned, but looked up quickly, staring at me through lust filled eyes.

"You sure about this?"

I nodded. "I'm sure."

Walking with a slight limp, I entered the pharmacy early the next morning to buy more condoms. Walking down the aisle to the "family planning" section, I turned the corner only to bump into someone.

Already being pretty unbalanced for having to limp, I fell straight to the floor while the other person just stayed standing.

"Sasuke." I looked up. It was Sai.

I got up and rubbed my tender bottom which was hurting for two reasons, one being my ungraceful descent to the floor. Turning to Sai, I remembered all the scathing comments I had wanted to make to him the night prior after reading his story, but they were all lost in the bowels of my mind as I said something to him that really meant a lot to me.

"Thanks man. Fucking great night..."

I payed for my condoms and limped happily out the door, leaving Sai bewildered, but showing no expression of it on his face.

END!

Ok, so if you didn't get the ending, Sasuke is happy that he ended up letting Naruto top. I had to rewrite it a bazillion times to get it right, but it still sounds kind of strange. Ahh, I hope you liked it. I stayed up really late typing it up, 'cause I just had the story stuck in my head and I just wanted to let it out. Review?