The Horrors of A Writer's Block
November 11th 2013
by Elise the Writing Desk, Heart no Kuni no Alice©QuinRose
When in your brain you have lots of things to write. So many things to write, to think over and to take notes. Timeline, age, plots, characterization, etcetera, etcetera. And as Alice faced her laptop to write the next chapter...she lost it. The motivation.
She let out a silent sigh and dropped her hands, blankly staring at the empty page on the monitor. As if wishing that what's on her brain could be automatically put into words by staring at the monitor. She glanced at the digital clock on the task-bar, it was going to be midnight, and she's still haven't done her college assignment.
She hadn't done anything at all in the past six hours. She just came home from lectures and spent sometimes to fix the timelines of her stories, and every time she started to type, she would end up not saving it and stare.
Alice then proceeded to read the reviews. The dark blonde felt even emptier than before. She used to write for her own fun...and now she realized, it was all for the feedback. Was that why she got a writer's block?
She re-read her latest chapters and wanted to barf. Did she seriously wrote like that? What's with the humor and the lame plot-jumps? The typos and grammatical mistakes...compared to her earlier chapters where she began with happiness of being able to write, her latest chapters were garbage.
And she still had that assignment. The clock had stroke past midnight and she was still dilly-dallying in front of her laptop instead of getting some works done.
She had no friends to talk to.
Well, she had people to talk to, but she could never express her true self surrounded by her classmates. She lived in a dorm, and just got a message that she should go home this weekend, because her father would return from his work overseas.
Alice didn't want to go home. She hated going home. The house was so dirty, because her mother couldn't take care of things right. Her siblings wouldn't help diligently. But then she remembered that her money was thinning out—she needed to go home.
Plus there's the exams next two weeks. There were two subjects she's stuck, as stuck as her stories. She wished she could just re-do things all over again.
She didn't have any second chance; no remedial or what you call re-do. Nothing. If she fails here, she fails for good.
And the fact that her parents had spent a lot of money to pay her dormitory, her monthly allowance...even bought a new laptop she's currently using...
Alice looked down with a frown.
"This isn't what I want." She muttered.
Of course, she never got what she wanted. The second child; always had to let the eldest win, as well as the youngest. Always had to strive for the best—if not, she wouldn't be noticed at all; she had a successful big sister and a popular little sister. She's just plain.
That's why she wrote. Because her world was so plain. Her stories were filled with comedy, friendship, romance...all the things she wished she could get—a plain girl like her.
Her dream was to be a game maker, not a governor.
She planned to study on game-making after she graduated and had a steady job as a governor...but if things keep up like this...she would have nothing in the future.
Alice shook her head and decided that she needed some fresh air. She exited her room and climbed upstairs, to the rooftop. Even the night was as cloudy as her feelings. Yet, the air was cool and refreshing, unlike in her hometown which was always hot and humid.
She looked down from the third floor, smirking. There those thoughts came again to her. How many times had it been like this?
She felt empty and unnoticed. And unneeded. She would start to build a thought that; if she's gone...no one would mind. Well, they would be sad for the first five days and then move on as if she had never existed.
Or how she would fail and she had to live in shame. Her parents saying that she was unreliable, and she would escape from home and live on streets.
She just wished she could do anything she wanted. She wanted to write and play games. She didn't want to write for reviews—she didn't want to feel bound by those feedback. She wanted to write and let others read it, without having to long for feedback. She wished she could just ditch her current college and learn game-making. She wished she didn't have to be bound by the existence of her sisters.
She didn't mind being alone. But she minded being empty.
Even if none of her wishes come true...she wished no one would care. She would just lie down and look at the sky until she die—she would be content being just like that.
Alice giggled to herself, since those feelings and thoughts had numerously brought her to suicide. Her first attempt was back in the first grade of elementary...she was afraid of her uncle for attempting to taint her...but she was afraid that her parents would evict him.
That time, she almost cut her wrists and neck.
And there's that time where she was bullied in the fifth grade, even by her nanny. She stood in the middle of a high way and only get yelled by drivers. None of them would hit her.
One time, she felt really insecure that everyone was better than her, even her best friend Crysta was smarter than her; she was always left out as the last choice. She bought a rat poison.
She changed her mind because it tasted too bitter. She wouldn't want to die eating something horrible.
And it was only two years ago in high school, she wanted to hang herself because everyone thought she's lesbian and avoided her for a whole year.
She didn't mind being alone.
As long as no one said nasty things or think ill of her.
Alice had numerously wanted to jump whenever she's on a rooftop.
She wanted to be free. Dying seemed...to be one of the ways.
And then she would always be reminded of Hell and Heaven.
And whenever she thought of that, she would always be reminded that she wasn't alone. There would be hundreds—thousands, billions of people like her, staring at the same dark sky on a rooftop, contemplating whether they'd jump or not. Some would waste it, some would keep it. The life.
Alice smiled to the sky. "I guess I should be grateful to have the ability of cheering myself?"
Because even though she was thinking to herself, she realized that this world was big and vast. She could always run away somewhere no one could find her. She could always meet new people. She could always have the possibility to make new friends. She could always learn new things.
And those chances would only exist when she's alive. What if she's about to meet her lifelong friend and then she killed herself right before that? What if she succeeded in college and able to take game-making lessons? And there's also the fact that she's a writer, and what if there's someone out there who's holding onto her story to endure life, as well? What if she did suicide, and her stories never finished...and as it happened, someone would lose themselves?
And Alice would scoff a little. "Pft...Not that anyone would take me that precious."
"You shouldn't underestimate yourself."
Alice flinched and just noticed Julius was there, sitting beside her. He's her dorm owner's son, so he was allowed to wander around the dorm as he pleases. He glanced at her. She smirked.
"Underestimate, huh..." her smirk faltered, her eyes gleamed with inspiration. "Ah...that's a good essence of moral for my story."
The navy-haired guy smiled wryly. "Writer's block again? And you're up here like a depressed suicidal person because of writer's block?"
Alice gave him a sharp look.
"You don't now what's going on in my mind." She smiled slyly and tapped his nose. "Never underestimate the horrors of a writer's block."
Yes. Don't ever do that, kids. Lessons learned. Please review if you have the time.