Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or the song 'Nobody Knows it But Me' or the band 'Babyface.' I just enjoy their music and use it in this fan fiction with great thanks to whoever Babyface may be. :D
There he was, smiling in one of my few pictures of him. There was Freddie Benson, the boy I would do anything for. The boy I had done loads for. The boy I beat up several other guys for when they threatened to hurt him. The boy I ripped up Rip-Off Rodney's fake tickets for when I found out he was planning to sell him fake ones. And what did he say when he found out about just these incidents?
"You're so naturally violent. I can't believe you beat up three guys just because they 'were going to hurt your friend.' Can't you just tell the principal or something?"
"Why'd you rip up those tickets, Sam? I was going to buy them! I can't believe you did this to me."
So when I told Carly not to date him when he asked her out and she said yes, she dumped him. I reminded her of what she did to other guys in her relationships, and I told her that Freddie was 'different.' And I vaguely remembered mumbling 'special' under my breath. I should've known Carly had hearing like a dog. She pricked her ears and almost panted as she said, "I knew it! You love him!"
And I did.
Well, who was I to say I loved him? Can you be in love with someone who will never love you back?
Of course.
I still don't know why I told him about telling Carly, but I remember how it went down perfectly.
Yeah, wish I told him how I feel. Maybe he'd be here right now, but instead…
"You did what?!" Freddie screamed as he shook Sam's shoulders, not even noticing the faint blush that touched her cheeks as she effortlessly knocked his hands off of her. It just riled him up even more, her constant reminders- even if they weren't intentional- that she was tougher than him. This was his moment. His moment to tell her what he thought of her.
But he didn't.
Because if he told her what he had told Spencer, and if he told her that he thought she was beautiful, and if he told her that he thought she was funny and independent, even if she was violent…
She would just become more violent. So he told her the bad- the things he hadn't thought of in years.
"I hate you!" he screamed, feeling the screaming in his head of, "Do you really hate her? Your best friend?"
Sam whimpered a bit, which surprised him. Sam, whimpering. It was almost amusing, except for the look in her eyes that didn't even touch the rest of her. She had her typical 'Sam expression' on, but those eyes…
"You're the worst friend ever! You never cared about me, do you? All you care about is what you want! Well, you know what? This is probably what you want more than anything else. I was waiting for a 'don't go' or a 'stay, Freddie' when I told you, but now I don't really care if you say that or not- because I'm moving."
The words fell into heavy tension, and Sam felt her knees buckle painfully to keep her standing up straight. She reached out for his shoulders, but Freddie dodged- surprisingly easily- out of her grabbing hands, and he didn't even hear the choked, "Stay Freddie. Please, don't go," as he ran out the door to the apartment, where little did anyone else know that his bags were already packed.
I pretend that I'm glad you went away. These four walls close in more every day. And I'm dying inside, but nobody knows it but me.
"I can't believe this," Carly sighed quietly into her hands. If Sam wasn't using every ounce of her self control, she would be crying. She already wanted to scream at Carly, "How can you handle this?"
"He's a jerk," Sam whispered, and Carly seemed to sense the tone in her best friend's voice. Some how, she sensed everything about Sam- but was that even really a surprise to either of them? They had been best friends for years. It only figured that they would understand these things about each other.
Carly hung her arms around Sam's shoulder in an action she attempted to make sympathetic, but Sam squirmed out of her grasp and walked away, looking at the open door to Freddie's empty apartment.
"I bet his mom cleaned the entire place out," she called to Carly, who was sighing and walking into the kitchen when Sam looked over her shoulder. Despite the fact that it wasn't his home anymore, she almost felt like this would bring them closer. Slowly, she stepped into the apartment.
She was right and wrong. His mother hadn't missed a thing, and so there was nothing there.
Like a clown I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows. Now I'm crying inside, and nobody knows it but me. Why didn't I say the things I needed to say? How could I let my angel get away? Now my world is just a-tumblin' down. I can see it clearly, but you're nowhere around.
Dear Diary,
It's been almost three weeks since he's gone. Carly's bounced out of it pretty well- she wants to keep up with iCarly, now that we've trained a new technical host. A guy named Toby from her computers class. I can't even stand going into their apartment building anymore. And when I'm in her living room…that's where we had been. Right there in Carly's house, and I had knocked his arms away from me.
I hadn't said anything near what I needed to say. Was a barely whispered 'stay' enough? He probably never even heard me. He probably doesn't even think I care.
If he asked Carly, she'd say he was right. If he asked me, I'd probably start crying.
But I haven't. I haven't cried yet. I just choke up when I think of what I should've said. The words that come to mind are, "I might just love you, and I want you to stay with us, Freddork. With me, Freddie." In a clear voice. He would've heard, he would've responded. But I let him walk away forever.
Sam
The nights are lonely, the days are sad, and I just keep thinking about the love that we had. And I'm missing you, but nobody knows it but me.
"Sam!" Carly shouted as she saw her friend lying in the couch face down. She tried to move her, but Sam clung tightly to the pillows. Her diary was next to her, and she held out a hand for it. Carly obediently passed it to her, and looked away as Sam wrote only several words.
P.S: Guess I should've knocked on wood about the crying thing.
And next to her, Carly started to cry as she looked at everything she couldn't do for her best friend. And in an action of what was now rare, Sam comforted Carly.
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two. Now I'm nobody without someone like you. I'm trembling inside, and nobody knows it but me. I lie awake; it's a quarter past three. I'm screaming at night, as if I thought you'd hear me. Yeah, my heart is callin' you, and nobody knows it but me.
It's funny how I used to think I would be fine.
It's funny how at first I told myself I would go on with him. I kept telling myself I was fine, but there the reminders. The reminders that I wasn't. The reminders that maybe some people change you more than you could ever want them too. Sometimes you give people your whole heart, and when they tear it to pieces and you rebuild it yourself, it's never the same.
I remember one reminder more vividly than any other; there he was, and there was my chance. I knocked his hands off my shoulder, and he screamed at me again- but this time, I did say, "Freddie, stay! Freddie, I care about you, and I'm sorry."
This was my worst nightmare, playing out in my head. I was realizing that all too late. I felt the hope deep inside my subconscious beginning to die out immediately, as if a flame had been huffed out.
Freddie didn't care what I said. He didn't care because he didn't care about me. And so, he continued to the apartment across the hall and locked the door when I went knocking.
"Don't go!" I screamed when I jumped awake, and I realized I was sleeping in a kitchen chair, my face on the counter. On the couch, all my mother did was give a small twitch to acknowledge my sudden awaken.
How blue can I get? You could ask my heart; but like a jigsaw puzzle it's being torn apart.
"Shut up Gibby," Sam rolled her eyes when he started trying to flirt with a girl in front of him- with no luck, of course. He shot Sam a strange look- surprisingly; she had ignored him for the past two years. But yet- still, despite the detached look in her eyes- he obediently put his hands in his lap.
Carly was sitting next to Jake Crandall, and Sam was in the back of the classroom copying homework off the kid who sat in front of her. "Sam," he pleaded from ahead of her, but she swung a hit at him. He winced when her hand struck his back, and turned away obediently.
Carly was laughing, but she stopped when she saw Sam hit the boy. No matter whether Freddie had left or not, Sam had always worked hard to stay close to Carly. She was still her best friend. And she still made an effort to pick on nerds, but old habits seem to disappear slowly over time.
It was a surprise to see her hitting someone like that, but she did still keep up with her tough girl ways. She was Sam.
And yet, she was not.
"What's with you?" Carly whispered to her best friend who sat diagonal from her, and Jake pretended not to be able to hear. Carly's voice was pleading as she looked at her best friend.
Sam gave her the best smile she could manage. "Don't worry about it cupcake. I'm the same old Sam."
And she was. She was Sam, Sam Puckett, underneath the hurt. Underneath that, she still loved ham, picked on nerds and cheated on tests. She still loved hanging out with her best friend and doing segments for iCarly. Only the people she had known so well before noticed the change with the new hurt. Gibby partially did, for example. Carly did, of course.
Besides those two's occasionally odd looks, it was easy to pretend she was the same. Besides Carly's questions, it was easy to pretend nothing had happened.
That was when she started to sever the one thing that kept her clinging to him most, in the most desperate attempt she had ever committed.
A million words couldn't say just how I feel. A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still.
"You're quitting iCarly?" Carly screamed at her angrily, and Sam winced a bit. This was the reaction she had expected, though. This was something she had run over and over again in her mind, searching for something to keep her connected to the web show. Something that would make it so it wouldn't be the worst reminder of him.
But there was nothing to change the way she felt about it. She couldn't think of Carly and her hanging out anymore, or the new computer geek that never pushed the buttons at the right time. She could only think about when he had been on the show.
"I'm sorry, Carls. I just…I can't do it," Sam said, sighing as she covered her face with her hands. She had cried, yes- she had bawled- that day when Carly had found her face down on the couch. But it was the only time. Every other time, she was able to fight it off.
She had never tried so hard to stop crying as she stood there, staring at the plain hurt in her friend's eyes.
"You can't let him control you, Sam! Or can I even call you that? You're not acting like my best friend anymore- you're not acting like Sam anymore!" Carly screamed, and when she started to cry a few tears slid down Sam's face.
It was like a slap in the face. She had thought she was keeping up the act perfectly. She would beat up nerds, steal, lie, cheat, eat ham- she did everything she used to.
Yet she did it only out of habit. She was a shell of everything she used to be.
And she cried harder and harder as Carly hugged her, apologizing over and over again. Shockingly, Carly never brought him up again.
Tomorrow morning I'll hit the dusty road. Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go. I'm gonna unload my heart, and hope you come back to me…
There it was, lying in my hand. The picture, the picture of him I had just removed from my wallet so I could fit in the other thing lying in my hand. The ticket to freedom. The ticket to him.
My driver's license.
Carly squealed next to me as I shoved the picture into my hoodie's pocket. "I can't believe you got your driver's license!" she was saying, jumping up and down. I grinned at her, holding the license up.
"And to think, I used to think I would manage to get a better picture on my license," I scoffed at myself as I showed her for the fiftieth time the strange gurgled sadness as my face twisted in opposite directions. The boy behind the camera who had taken my picture looked a lot like him- even though I tried not to think about him. Even though I had tried dating around lately.
I still missed him.
I cut Carly off in the middle of whatever she was saying about my picture. "Carls, let's go," I breathed in a whisper, the excitement running up my spine as we headed to Carly's car. She hadn't even gotten her license yet, but her father had sent it in preparation. He had come home for a month last year, and Carly was more devastated than usual when he left. I guess a car can cheer you up about things like that. Spencer had left me drive it here today, warning me to be careful nobody saw me driving without an adult and just a permit on the way.
"Go where?" Carly complained, puckering her lips and furrowing her eyebrows. Her confused look. She usually didn't make that face anymore- it was a face reserved for Freddie's drabbles on video equipment. I gave a chuckle. It had a nice sound to it, having it be at someone's expense.
I smirked. Just like the old days.
Maybe it was the thought that was bringing me back to myself, but I seized Carly's wrist and forced her in through the driver's seat to the passenger's seat. Typically she would've protested, but it was like she could feel the change. She grinned at me, a sudden hope in her eyes. I was sure it would be dashed after what I was going to say next- her hope for me to be over him. Over it.
"We're going to find him," I grinned at her.
This was what I wanted. If I went to his door and told him everything and he still rejected me, so be it. I would be able to move on. I would finally have told him what was dying in my throat every time I opened my mouth to speak.
I started the car and pulled out quickly and effortlessly into the street. I would find him, and I would tell him.
And I would only hope for the best.
Author's Note: I really, really, really love this story. I've been thinking about how there seem to be a lot of speculation on Carly and Freddie's reaction to Sam leaving, but I'm more curious to Sam's leaving. And I could see her doing this- clutching to what she knew, and not betraying her best friend. I'm not saying I love this story as in conceited 'it's the best!' haha. I'm just saying that this is one of my favorite story lines I've created. I didn't use all the lyrics to the song and I had to change the she's to he's, but otherwise it's pretty much what you read here, just a few repeats of previous verses. Check it out. :D Oh, and I'm saying they were fourteen when Freddie left. By the way, I'm thinking about turning this into an actual story where Sam and Carly go looking for Freddie; what do you think?