Verie: if you've read my other challenge fic, Voldemort's Evil Waffles of Doom, then you'll know what this is like. Anyhow, this is a challenge fic/badfic. The challenge was given to me by... well.. myself. o.O"
~must feature two odd couples
~someone must be obsessed with pink flying toasters
~someone must die from jumping out of a first
story window
~must feature Lockhart, but he cannot die.
~must feature Trelawney, whom cannot die
~a donkey on crack must take Harry's place on
the Quidditch team
~someone must yell "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!" 8 times
~it must mostly take place on the Quidditch field
~someone must think they are a fly
~things&people must catch fire randomly for
no reason at least 5 times
~must feature all the Marauders
~must explain how the dead Marauders came alive
~Peter must be non-evil
Attack Of The Chibi Teachers
One day Harry was walking out to the Quidditch field, "Hey Harry, so but um... we got a new seeker." Wood said. "WHAT?!" Harry cried. "Yeah, we found this donkey on crack, and it's really good. So it's replaced you." Wood explained. "You replaced me with a DONKEY ON CRACK?!" Harry demanded in disbelief. "Yep!" Wood said happily. "He's great!" He added. Harry sighed and walked off, but he bumped into Snape! "HARRY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE PINK FLYING TOASTERS?!" He demanded. "Pink flying toasters, Professor?" Harry asked. "Don't mess with me, Potter! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY PINK FLYING TOASTERS?!" Snape demanded. "I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY DAMNED PINK FLYING TOASTERS!" Harry yelled. "DETENTION AND MINUS TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR LYING TO ME ABOUT THIS COMPLETELY SERIOUS MATTER!" Snape exclaimed. "Did someone say my name?" Sirius asked, walking up. "IT WAS YOU!! YOU TOOK MY PINK FLYING TOASTERS!" Snape exclaimed. "No Severus, I didn't. Ask Remus, he might know." Sirius said. Snape started sobbing. "YOU STOLE MY PINK FLYING TOASTERS! I'M TELLING DUMBLEDORE!" He cried, running off. ".. O.. kay..." Harry blinked. "Sirius! I need to talk to you! I got kicked off the Quidditch team by a donkey on crack!" Harry exclaimed. "Really?! Where is it?! I've always wanted to see a donkey on crack..." Sirius exclaimed, looking around and walking off. "NOOO!!!" Harry sobbed. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!" Snape yelled, running back out. Harry stared at him. "I just got Sirius in trouble! Heehee!" Snape exclaimed, running off. "They're... insane." Harry blinked. "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Ron ran by, flapping his arms. "What the heck...? Ron! What are you doing?!" Harry demanded. "BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!" Ron exclaimed, blowing through a straw and running off. Hermione ran up. "Herm! What's up with Ron?" Harry asked. "He thinks he's a fly. Apparently his crystal ball told him so in divination." Hermione explained. "Oh...." Harry blinked. "Well, bye Harry! I have flies to swat!" Hermione exclaimed, waving a fly swatter and running after Ron. Then Voldemort appeared. "MWAHAHAHA! HARRY! I HAVE TURNED YOUR TEACHERS INTO SHADOWS OF THEMSELVES WHEN THEY WERE IN THEIR SECOND YEAR OF HOGWARTS! AND I HAVE BROUGHT BACK YOUR DAD!" Voldemort exclaimed evilly. "REALLY?! YOU BROUGHT BACK MY DAD?! KEWL!" Harry exclaimed happily. "... You're supposed to be terrified!" Voldemort whined. "Nah. I've always wondered how my dad acted when he was a kid. What's up with Sirius then?" Harry asked. "Oh, he's a shadow of his younger self too. All adults around you are! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Voldemort exclaimed. "Then what about Wood, the donkey on crack, and Ron?" Harry asked. "... What about them?" Voldemort asked. "Nevermind." Harry sighed. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO! COME BACK FLY!" Snape exclaimed, chasing Ron around the Quidditch field. "MWAHAHA!!! JUST *TRY* TO HELP THEM, POTTER!" Voldemort cackled evilly, before disappearing again with a pop. "WEEE!!! BUTTERFLIIIIEEES!" McGonagall exclaimed, chasing a bunch of butterflies around the field. "... This is stupid." Harry sighed. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO, Minerva!" Snape exclaimed. "HI SEVERUS!" McGonagall exclaimed. "Have you seen my flying pink toasters?" Snape asked. "Why, no Severus, I haven't! Have you seen a large pink butterfly?" She asked. "Nope! But I'll help you find it if you help me find my flying pink toasters!" Snape exclaimed. "OKIES!" McGonagall answered, and they skipped off. "... This is anarchy." Harry sighed. He felt kind of guilty for not really caring about the mental condition of his teachers and friends, but he had to go find his dad. It'd be nice to know what he was like, right? "James!" Sirius exclaimed, running by. Harry looked in the direction Sirius was running, and gasped. It WAS James Potter! "SIRIUS! I LET SOME DUNG BOMBS OFF IN THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM!" James exclaimed happily. "REALLY?!" Sirius exclaimed. "Yeah! Malfoy threw a punch at me, but I dodged and threw a dung bomb in his face. So I'm gonna be locked in the dorm for awhile." Jame said. Harry felt the sudden urge to yell at Draco for trying to punch his dad, but realized that his dad was probably thinking of Draco's dad. "... But what's Draco's dad doing here?" Harry wondered aloud. "And does Draco know about this...?" He thought suddenly. As if in answer to his question, Malfoy's stupid dad came running out, followed by a rather confused looking Draco. "GET AWAY FROM ME!! I'M ONLY 12! I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS!!!" Lucius screamed. "POTTER! HAVE YOU BRIBED THIS KID TO FOLLOW ME AROUND?!" Lucius demanded of James. Draco walked over to Harry. "What the hell did you do to my dad?!" He demanded. "I didn't do jack. Voldemort turned a bunch of people into shadows of their former-selves. When they were all in their 2nd year of Hogwarts." Harry answered. "The hell...?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE! Damnit! That's not fair." Draco exclaimed. Just then the donkey on crack flew by, flying after the golden snitch. "REMY!" Harry heard McGonagall cry suddenly. "MINERVA! DON'T. CALL. ME. REMY!" Lupin yelled irritably. "But.. but... Remy!! You need to help me find the giant pink butterfly!" McGonagall sniffled. "You haven't found it yet?" Lupin asked, surprised. McGonagall shook her head. "No." "Well then I *HAVE* to help you! I'm the best butterfly catcher in school!" Lupin exclaimed. "Show off..." Snape muttered. "Um.. does he have to come?" Lupin asked, glancing at Snape. "Nope!" McGonagall exclaimed. "MINNY!" Snape exclaimed. "What? You DON'T. You have to go find those flying pink toasters." McGonagall said. "... You're RIGHT! I DO! SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!" Snape exclaimed, running off. "GREAT! Now we can be alone and find butterflies!" Lupin exclaimed happily, linking arms with McGonagall and skipping off happily. "... That was so disturbing that I think I'll believe you, Potter." Draco blinked. "Told you." Harry said. "Well.. now what? We obviously can't leave them like this." Draco said. "What do you mean? My dad's alive! I can sit back and see how he was when he was a kid! It'll be great! Not to mention hilarious." Harry replied. "... Potter.. you're a moron." Draco said. "And that was lame, Ferret-boy." Harry muttered. Draco winced. "Don't mention ferrets around me! Blasted animals... horrible things.. slimy little..." Draco walked off, muttering about ferrets and wincing at the thought of them. "Hey Draco, there's a ferret in front of you." Harry said. "AAAAH!! WHERE?!! KILL IT!! KILL IT!!!" Draco screamed, running up the stairs and into the school. "... Moron." Harry sighed. "Yai yai yai, waiting waves!" Cho ran by, but stopped and turned around. "Harry! Would you like a sample CD?" She asked. "Um.. CDs don't work on Hogwarts grounds..." Harry blinked. "It's of TRF!" Cho exclaimed. "... Who?" Harry asked. "A Japanese group! They're really good!" Just then, Cho burst into flames and died, most likely because T.R.F didn't want her advertisting them, because it would give them a bad reputation. And they are good anyway. Ahem. So anyhow, Harry decided this was completely natural, and walked into the school, where he found Remus and Snape arguing, or at least, it looked like that, but after listening you could realized that Minerva was actually arguing for Remus. "SHE'S MINE!" Snape exclaimed. "No I'm not! I LOVE REMUS!!" McGonagall exclaimed. "NOOO!!" Snape screamed, bursting into tears and running off. A book burst into flames, but noone noticed. Draco sat there staring at what had just happened. "... Professor Snape had a thing for McGonagall?" He asked. "... Apparently?" Harry blinked, more shocked that Lupin and McGonagall were now together. Harry decided to go see what Snape was doing now, out of boredom. Draco decided to follow him, for fear that he'd have to witness McGonagall and Lupin making out or something. They found Snape sobbing, standing in a window. "... MINNY!! I'LL SHOW YOU!!! ~sniffle~ AND I KNOW REMUS STOLE MY FLYING PINK TOASTERS!!! ~sob~ NOONE LOVES MEEEE!! SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!" Snape sobbed. "Um.. sir? Step away from the window..." Draco said. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!?" Snape asked. "... Sir... we've found the flying pink toasters. But you have to get out of the window to get to them." Harry said. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO! TAKE THAT LUPIN!" Snape exclaimed, jumping down and running over to Harry. "WHERE ARE THEY?!" Snape demanded. "Um.. uh.. follow me and I'll um.. show you..." Harry twitched, deciding it would be best to lock Snape up somewhere, before he jumped out of a window or something thinking he saw a pink flying toaster. "You know what? They were in that closet." Draco said, as if reading Harry's mind. "Great! SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO!" Snape exclaimed, running into the closet. Harry and Draco promptly locked the door. "SCOOB-DOOB-EE-DOO! LET ME OUT!" Snape yelled. "Ok, you know what, this has got to be stopped." Harry said. "No duh." Draco replied. "Oh, and there's a ferret by your foot." Harry added. "AH!!! GET IT OFF OF ME!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Draco screamed jumping up onto a table. ".... That was cruel, Potter." Draco said, noticing the ferret-lacking floor. Then the table burst into flames, so he had to get off. They walked out of the room, leaving the table to burn into ash. So they were back in the Great Hall, where Lupin and McGonagall were eagerly discussing the best way to catch butterflies, and then Trelawney walked in. "I FORESEE FOOD IN OUR FUTURE!" She exclaimed. "Actually, dinner's been cancelled." Lupin replied. "NOOOO!!" Trelawney screamed, sobbing and running off. ".... The horror." Draco muttered. Then Lockhart walked in. "MINERVA! I LOVE YOU!" He yelled. McGonagall glared at him. "GO AWAY! I LOVE REMY!" She exclaimed. "BUT EVERYONE LOVES ME!" Lockhart exclaimed. "I don't." McGonagall said irritably. "YOU DO TOO!" Lockhart exclaimed. "NO I FREAKING DON'T!" McGonagall yelled, and Lockhart burst into flames, and ran around screaming until running into a wall, which somehow put the flames out. "SHE'S A WITCH! WIIIIIITCH!! SHE MADE ME SUDDENLY IGNITE OR SOMETHING! WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!" He yelled, running off. "... What a moron." Lupin exclaimed, some-what shocked. "Now, where were we? Oh yeah! So you think that the giant pink butterfly is over by the womping willow?" McGonagall asked. "Exactly." Remus declared. "... Oh no... are they all suicidal or something?!" Harry exclaimed. "I'm shocked that they lived to their second year. Much less to twenty..." Draco said with a mildly shocked face. "C'mon, let's go." Harry said, running out of the school and back to the Quidditch field. "JAMES!!! JAAAAMEEES!" Peter yelled, running up and grabbing the bottom of Harry's robe. "I LOVE YOU JAMES!" He exclaimed. Harry twitched. "I um... uh.... eh..." He realized that Peter was now hugging his leg. He was about to kick him, but Peter burst into flames and died. "Solved that problem rather well." Draco said. Harry shrugged and they ran off to find Voldemort, they found him a couple yards away, arguing with the Womping Willow. "NO! MULCH IS BETTER THAN FERTILIZER DANGIT!" He yelled. "VOLDEMORT! TURN EVERYONE BACK!" Harry exclaimed stupidly. Draco sighed, edging away so that he wouldn't be associated with that kind of stupid declaration. "Why should I?!" Voldemort asked. "Because I'm tired of having a bunch of teachers who act like five-year-olds and try to kill themselves every chance they get!" "What'll you do to me if I don't?!" Voldemort laughed. "I'll sic Trelawney, McGonagall, the donkey on crack, Snape and Lockhart on you." Harry glared. "AH!! 'TIS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!! OK!!" Voldemort exclaimed, turning everyone back and running back to the school, where he jumed out of the first-story window and died. Harry went and let Snape out of the closet, got thousands of detentions for locking him in the first place, and realized that he LOVED the detentions, and attempted to marry one. Unfortunately, it turns out there's a law against that, and he's never been the same since.
Thend.
P.S.
Hermione succeeded in swatting Ron, but she never
regained her sanity, and now insists on swatting everything. Snape never
found his flying pink toasters, McGonagall caught the giant pink butterfly,
James went back to being dead, and the donkey on crack burst into flames
for no reason and died; giving Harry back his place on the Quidditch team.
**************
Verie: the horror! I've written more of these!! AAAH! Anyhow, another challenge fic I wrote... o.O" I own nothing, and the odd couples were McGonagall/Lupin and Harry/Detention btw. ... Where do I think up these things...? .... ~blink~ R/R please!