I love writing stories with my girl, Matrix. We're like biffers for liffers. Or something like that. But not only do I love co-writing with Matrix, I also adore writing Twilight parodies. So sorry, rabid fangirls, but I seriously hate this book, especially because it is the epitome of awfulness and still loved all over the fricken' world. So yes...back to the parody. Matrix and I were emailing back and forth, and we decided to write a one-sentence story. Of course, it would be longer than one sentence. But we would each, you know, write one sentence more each email. And this what we got.
It's a parody of Twilight (well, duh!) but the central characters are not your beloved Edward and Bella. Instead...well, you'll figure it out. Oh, and there are some slight Maximum Ride, Harry Potter, and Mediator references here. We love all three of the series, but they still begged to be made fun of too. Oh, well.
Remember—parody, people. So don't go postal on us when we tear apart your characters.
Chapter One
It was only a dance—nothing to worry about. But she was worried anyway. She was wearing the new red dress her mother had bought just for the occasion. It was cute too—a little strappy thing that swished out around her knees. Normally she wouldn't want to look so "girl in the red dress" esque, but it was okay for tonight. Especially since tonight was a very important night and she had to look her best.
She had just finished applying her makeup, some natural shades that complemented her emerald orbs and pink lipstick that made her lips look soft and voluptuous. He was going to love it. Of course, he was the reason she was going to this school dance in the first place; normally, she avoided events at school like the plague. But in order to avoid falling into the abyss of overused metaphors, let's talk about him. His name was Edfard Mullen, and he was trouble.
Everyone in school seemed afraid of him, yet no one knew why. He was also a junior at Union High School, so she was sure he would be going to the dance. It was, she had heard, the social event of the year.
Union High, coincidently nicknamed "Spoons", was your typical high school pulled right out of Mean Girls. There were the preps, jocks, art geeks, hopeless beyond belief geeks, emos, users, guidos, players, and everyone in between. Your wonderful narrator, Fea Franka, didn't know where she belonged.
She was new, so her status was "to be determined". Unknown to Fea, she was being watched by most girls in the school, so that they could decide if they wanted her in their social group. Fea was, in her old school, unpopular and disliked. So it was a shock to her, when, on the first day of school, the Queen Bee Jena Michaelson asked her to sit with her and her friends at the "cool table".
Fea had been so surprised by the invitation, she had stood transfixed for a full thirty seconds, before she realized the important question she had to answer. Should she sit with the Queen Bee, or should she try to be adventurous and sit with the gorgeous living-gods and goddesses over in the corner? She chose the smart answer.
So she declined Jena Michaelson's offer. And on her way to the land of the beautiful, she passed by the superfreak table. Its inhabitants consisted of a hot Latino that dressed like a cowboy, along with his green-eyed girlfriend and their blond-haired archnemisis, a "family" of tall, thin, younger kids, all wearing windbreakers with slits in the back, a group of pale-faced, honey-eyed teenagers, none of which were eating anything, a boy with bright green eyes and a lightening-bolt shaped scar on his forehead, along with his two friends, and then your general motley collection of self-proclaimed vampires, feys, witches, werewolves, wizards, Scientologists, and the occasional worshiper of Satan.
But Fea completely ignored them, and instead went to sit with the Greek exchange students Zeus Diotrephes, Athena Sophronia, and Poseidon Fotopoulos.
Fea plopped down, as gracefully as possible, next to Zeus. He had looked her way in Biology earlier that day, and she decided he was nice enough. When she sat down, however, he barely glanced in her direction, and continued to talk to Athena with great interest and enthusiasm. Soon Poseidon took pity on her and they struck up a conversation about the frogs that they would be dissecting in biology the next day. But during their conversation, Fea's mind wandered, like always, back to him.
He was talking with his adopted siblings. They were all either beautiful or handsome, depending, of course, if they were female or male. Fea couldn't keep her eyes off of him; he was perfect, male-model-esque. However, Fea had a rare eye disease, so in reality, Edfard Mullen was short, had these big-ass glasses that made his eyes look half of their regular size, wore a pocket protector, and had acne worse than a thirteen-year-old boy that didn't shower. But don't tell her that—it would just ruin the fantasy.
Fea continued to stare at Edfard Mullen throughout lunch that day, and the day after that, and up until the dance she was attending that evening. She continued to sit with Zeus, Athena, and Poseidon at lunch, but she wasn't a great conversationist, considering she spent the entire forty-five minute period staring at Edfard Mullen.
So after wasting her lunch period staring at him, and then the rest of the day thinking about him, here she was, ready to walk into the gym in her whore-esque girl-in-the-red-dress dress, just to see him. She walked into the gym, and immediately all eyes (at least those belonging to guys) were on her. She had expected it, since her dress barely hit mid-thigh and it was the brightest one in the room.
In fact, its brightness was enhanced by the numerous flashing lights that she just happened to sew on, but that's not important. She found what she was looking for.
The punch bowl. Which was so going to get spiked by yours truly.
Fea walked over to the six punch bowls and removed six bottles of liquor from her bag. She opened them surreptitiously and emptied them into each of the punch bowls. She filled her cup with some spiked punch, then walked away grinning. This was going to be one hell of a party.
Because of the six bottles of Stoli vodka that she poured into the punch, within minutes of our time-defying story, everyone was sloshed. Including Fea. But that's okay—she had a plan. And of course, since she is depicted by everything with a dick as a goddess on earth (even though she was uglier than a four hundred pound fat man trying to sit in a rocking chair) she was obviously impervious to the effects of alcohol. Not.
Fea began to walk over to where Edfard Mullen was standing sullenly and alluringly in a corner. Fea believed no one was around him because his beauty was too great to be near, and he was too intimidating; in reality, his stink was penetrating the air around him with such force that he was alone. Fea was wobbling, quite unsteady on her own two feet.
She had a plan: she would walk past him, all alluring and the like, and pretend not to notice him, all the while surreptitiously watching his every move. She needed him to be focused on her, and only her. So Fea walked past him, alright.
Right into a wall.
As she smashed into it, she heard a crunch in her nose. She backed away from the wall, and felt her nose. Nothing seemed to be wrong, but there would be some serious bruising tomorrow morning, along with a major punch-hangover. She started walking. Since she was having such a hard time walking, being completely smashed, she was swaying, and she walked right into a collection of our favorite über-hott fictional characters: Fang, Paul Slater, Jessie de Silva, Edward Cullen, James Potter, and Sirius Black (both high-school aged, although they might have died when they were old and middle aged and slightly gray. But ignoring that...) They all seemed thoroughly pissed-off at having some annoying, arrogant girl smash into them. Paul got a face-full of Fea's elbow while she managed to dig her stilleto heel into Sirius's foot. She grunted rather unattractively and glared at the closest boy to her, one Edward Cullen.
"Out of my way, dork-face."
Ah, thank God for scintillating wit.
Edward Cullen replied to her "witty" comment with a glare in her direction. She became very frightened (no one wanted to be on the wrong side of scary-boy-vampire Edward Cullen), so she began to back away very slowly... and she tripped again, on something so small no one knew exactly what it was. She went flying right into her favorite person, Edfard Mullen. The favorite über-hott fictional characters got a kick out of it, as Fea was sprawled on top of Edfard Mullen, a.k.a. the real dork-face, King Dork (a nickname obviously unknown to Fea).
Fea warily sat up, staring blankly at Edfard Mullen sprawled out on the floor. She coughed, and whether from embarrassment, the fall, or the alcohol, Fea promptly threw up all over him.
Fea was so embarrassed. It seemed that all eyes were on her, and she wanted to get out of the situation as soon as possible. She whispered an apology to Edfard, who was sprawled on the floor, almost passed-out punch-drunk; she ran as fast as her four-inch high heels would take her.
She didn't stop running until she was out of the gym and walking past the senior lot. She would have stopped walking, but she heard voices around the corner, and being an amateur super-sleuth, went to check it out.
She hid behind a building that happened to be at the corner and tried to position herself as to not be seen, hard under a street light in a bright red dress. She found an unlit spot and stood stationary, attempting to hear the conversation in front of her.
A male voice said in a low voice, "Find Fea Franka! And kill her. Slowly."
Fea felt a shiver run throughout her spine. She felt paralyzed. She couldn't move from her spot. She needed to hear more. She began to shake, and without realizing it, she was headed sideways towards the ground, for the third time that night.
Well...that was chapter one. And it entertained us, even if no one else agrees.