Disclaimer: I don't own DGM.
Summary: He felt the urge to grip something, to tear, to draw blood by his hands… Spread that wonderful crimson liquid and dye the graying world red instead of the usual black and white.
Between Sanity and Insanity
At first, the process was slow and subtle. The Fourteenth invaded his consciousness unnoticed. The signs of the eroding presence Allen Walker had were the grinning shadow in his reflection that only he could see—and hear on some occasions, the strange indecipherable dreams, and short lapses in his waking moments.
But then he started knowing things he shouldn't know.
Lenalee uttered a perplexing question that was meant to go unanswered. No one expected the white haired boy to answer it with such ease. Maybe Bookman or Lavi could, but Allen?
The moment their stunned faces registered on his mind he stuttered and came to a halt on his monologue. Lavi grasped his shoulder roughly, "Allen… How did you know that?"
Allen blinked confusedly and stayed silent. He didn't know the answer to Lavi's question.
From then on the process gradually increased. He started forgetting things, much to the annoyance of Inspector Howard Link.
"Allen, the supervisor wants to see you." Reever told him when they passed in front of the dining hall. Allen thanked him and started the long walk to Komui's office.
"Walker, I'm returning to our room. I have to finish something first." Link told him. After a nod and a faint smile from Allen they parted ways. It was just a simple short briefing with Komui, Link figured that nothing could go wrong. But an hour later, Link was dashing through the building looking for his charge. He found the boy in a deserted part of the building, looking slightly confused.
"Walker," Allen's head whipped to him, relief flooding his expression. "Don't tell me you're lost again." Link said rather harshly. Allen's scowling face gave him satisfaction—to make up for the panic the boy caused him moments ago. Deciding against taunting the boy further Link asked, "Anyway, why haven't you went to the supervisor? You were supposed to see him an hour ago." The confusion returned to Allen's expression. Link waited patiently until recognition dawned on the boy.
"I… I forgot."
He also started spacing out. Everyone noticed that Allen Walker seemed to be spacing out frequently. He would space out during moments of silence and even during conversations. Both Bookman and Lavi observed it as attentive as a predator would at its prey, while Link was positively disgruntled by his newest behavior.
Those were harmless symptoms, but they were getting stronger. The usual endless dreamscape would take on another shape, scaring the sleep out of him. He could no longer sleep, so he lied stiff as a board as he listened to Links' rhythmic breathing. Odd, he didn't seem to need the sleep either; he would wake up in the morning as fresh as he would have with a good night rest.
Then the shaking came. His hands would not stop shaking, as if they were searching for something… He felt the urge to grip something, to tear, to draw blood by his hands… Spread that wonderful crimson liquid and dye the graying world red instead of the usual black and white.
He would clutch his left with his right hand, and when no one was looking he would clench it so hard that his nails dug deep leaving bleeding crescent marks. Instead of pain and being horrified, he found a strange calm wash over him—fascinated by the blood leaking from the wounds. It served to appease the growing urges inside him and to keep him from lashing out on others around him.
During the night when he hid under the covers, the manic grin he hated would spread unbidden on his lips along with the sensation of insanity engulfing his entire being and washing away the day's worry. The urges would grow so strong that he would claw and bite, tasting the metallic liquid in his mouth. The sensation was dizzying, no… it was intoxicating; it made him feel nothing and everything at once, made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. No more reasons, no more limitations, only him and him alone…
He hated the morning when he must hide the bruises he inflicted on his body. He hated loosing the void of insanity. He hated switching back to the dreaded sanity.
Should Link and the others find out about the changes he was undergoing they would surely be having a panic attack. Therefore Allen was careful enough not to let the others see his other self. He avoided mirrors and mostly spend his time in quiet, desolate places. When questioned he would ease them with words and smiles, ensuring them with false conviction. His efforts were successful for most of the time, but there were times when he let go…
The mirror rooted Allen to the spot. He could not tear his gaze away from the grinning reflection in the mirror. The shadow—the Fourteenth has almost completely overlapped his own shadow. He felt the waves of insanity destroying his petty fight to stay conscious with a rampage. Allen was teetering on the balance, should he stay gasping on the surface, or plunge headfirst into the waiting darkness?
He was ashamed to admit, but he was tempted to just end this charade and surrender to the mind blowing insanity. Just throw away all the worries and doubts, screw this hellish world! Why must he keep fighting his impending fate? All he has to do was stop fighting the Fourtee—
"Allen!"
Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda entered his sight. "Allen-kun, are you alright? We should be departing to our next mission soon." Lenalee smiled and came to him albeit a bit cautiously. Allen blinked to clear his distorted vision of grinning demons and mismatched colors. He almost gave in…
"Where's Link?" God, his voice sounded so weak.
"The inspector is waiting outside." Lavi answered in his usual cheerful tone.
"Tch, the beansprout is taking his time powdering his face." Kanda grumbled irritably. Lavi snickered next to Kanda.
True, Allen had lost his color leaving him with a sickly shade of pale white skin and he felt like shit. But it didn't mean Kanda could get away unscathed after an insult like that. "The name is ALLEN! Bakanda! And I'm not powdering myself!"
In spite of his earlier irritation a true smile (the only one in a long time) bloomed on his face. Yes, he decided, he would keep fighting the Fourteenth. He would remain hanging on a thin line above the darkness for as long as he could. Until the inevitable day came he would confront the Fourteenth with all the fervor left in him. He couldn't—wouldn't let the Fourteenth hurt his friends.
Done! I can't keep my mind focused on A Peek into Cross Marian's Mind, and since I'm restless (blaming the hiatus) about Allen's awakening, so I ended up thinking (and polishing) this fic. Although I'm still not sure how this one turned out to be... I wanted to focus more on the insanity part, but somehow I didn't manage to do it—causing this fic unable to convey what I really want it to (in my opinion).
Anyway, thanks for reading and please review :)
Any comments and critics are welcomed.