Run
Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.
A/N:- I spent all day yesterday trying to upload this but ffdotnet was having none of it. Anyway, I foresee Jane and Lisbon being split up sometime in the future (even if it is just temporarily on the show) and this is the result of my Muse playing around with that idea.
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do …
Snow Patrol – Run (Live at the Union Chapel)
Another case, another life or death situation, another kill. More blood on her hands, more guilt weighing on her shoulders.
She lets the warm evening air wash over her and tries to regain that sense of control that always seems to be evading her grasp nowadays.
She wishes she could blame him for putting her in these situations but she's the one who continually promises to have his back and clean up his mess no matter what. She's the one who lets herself get wrapped up in his games and lives her life by his set of rules.
Now that the adrenaline has worn off, her whole body is weak and inside she feels battered and bruised. Everywhere she looks she can see the perp pointing the gun at him and every time she closes her eyes she replays the moment she pulled the trigger and emptied her clip. It would only have taken one shot to put the perp down, the shrink had pointed out to her in her debrief, why the sudden overkill? She has an answer but not one she's willing to share.
It's no secret that her whole life is about the job and the people in it but she doesn't realise how many lines she's crossed until one day with earth-shattering clarity, she becomes profoundly aware that somewhere down the line he has stopped being the annoying CBI consultant and become the man she would risk everything for. How had that happened? How could she have let that happen?
She isn't surprised to hear the door open behind her. She knew he would come and find her, he always did.
"Are you okay?" he asks. It's a stupid question and they both know it.
She glances at him and forces a small smile. "Yes," she lies, before looking back out at the city below them. Somewhere down there was a case waiting to happen.
"I'm sorry," he says, resting a hand on her shoulder.
His fingers graze the back of her neck and she closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. She knows she should be grateful that she is the only person he would ever offer a true heartfelt apology to but somehow that just makes this never-ending cycle all the more painful.
She looks at him. He is giving her that intense look he saves for those rare occasions he is unable to tell what she's thinking. And then he smiles, and she finds herself falling that little bit further.
"Jane, there's going to come a time when we can't work together."
She doesn't even realise she's speaking until she sees the expression on his face change.
He looks like that was the last thing he had expected her to say. "What?"
She takes a deep breath. She has spent a long time rehearsing this. "I think we both know that sooner or later Minelli's going to pull me off the team. He is going to say that the lies and the manipulation are causing the bodies to pile up and it's making the Bureau look bad. He's also going to say that my judgement is skewed, that I've lost objectivity and it's affecting the job."
"You don't know that-"
"I do. Because it's true." She isn't whole any more and the man who notices everything cannot pretend he can't see that. "And I just want you to know now that when that day comes I'm not going to fight his decision."
"Lisbon …."
"I'm going to walk away because it's the right thing to do for both of us."
His breezy calm façade fades away and he looks distressed. "You don't really think that. We work well together, look at how many cases we've closed …"
She has made that argument so many times herself that it has lost all meaning. She shakes her head. "We have gotten too close …" she pauses, barely managing to hold eye contact, and moves a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. "I've let myself get too close."
His eyes connect with hers. He looks at her searchingly and she knows that he finally understands what she's trying to tell him.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I never meant to-"
She is gripping the handrail tightly for support and he puts his hand on top of hers. She knows the affect he has on her must show on her face but for the first time ever she doesn't even care. "I know. Me neither. It just happened and we didn't even realise it."
"I care about you." He draws small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. "I wish that-"
"Don't Patrick," she breathes, looking at him almost pleadingly. The use of his first name startles them both and she misses a beat. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is."
Red John was between them, Red John would always be between them.
He nods slightly; he is still processing. Then he takes her hand in his and entwining their fingers together he squeezes it slightly. He's giving her this moment, this one moment when everything else could cease to exist. They stand there staring at each other. Everything is quiet. It is just them in a world full of nothing. She gets lost in his eyes and the aching in her heart finally numbs.
Her fantasy world comes crashing down when the door opens behind them. She pulls her hand away from his and automatically takes a step back.
"I'm sorry," Van Pelt says apologetically, her eyes darting between them as if she is aware that she's interrupting something. "Lisbon, Minelli's looking for you." She tells her before leaving them alone again but the moment has been shattered.
Lisbon walks towards the door, feeling his eyes on the back of her neck every step of the way. Just before going inside, she turns to look at him and as she meets his gaze, she tries to pretend that she isn't falling apart inside.
A/N:- The promo for this week's episode is killing me. I swear that this show is going to give me a heart attack sooner or later ....