I don't know how to say this to you Master, which is something I doubt you
would believe. A loss for words is not something I regularly experience -
this is true, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it's a whole
different situation.
I have rehearsed for hours and hours how to tell you this, and have imagined just about every scenario possible. Sitting in our quarters thinking this is so much easier than telling you, and now that it's come to it... just you and me, you knowing there's something I need to say, I... This is going to be much more difficult than I ever realised.
I know you view me as an adult, which in theory should make what I have to tell you easier. And I'm telling you tonight. It's the only chance I have, the plans you have made only reaffirm this. A night, you said, where we are just Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, where we are two men, not master and apprentice. You said we need to get to know each other as people, and have set aside tonight to start this learning process, to spend some time relaxing in each other's company.
I never thought much about love, or even really believed in it before. At least not the romantic kind of love. It always seemed to me to be a useless waste of time and energy. Around the temple and in vids I would see people 'in love', and it never interested me. My friends were bonding with partners, and still the whole 'love' thing never bothered me.
Until I realised one day how very much in love with you I was. I remember I was having a conversation with Shirelle, who had just bonded with Oiz'Lar. She was telling me how wonderful she felt and how being with him made her all fuzzy. She rattled off whole lists of the things she felt, and I slowly realised every one of them related to me. To how I felt when I was with you.
I sink back into my chair, cradling my cup in my hands. A gentle touch on my shoulder, and I turn, looking into your blue eyes. I cannot meet your eyes though, and instead lower my head.
You must have knelt down in front of me, because you tilt my chin up, looking me in the eyes. I fight the urge to pull away, and instead blur my sight so I cannot see the worry in your face.
"Obi-Wan, what is it? Something's been bothering you all night." The tone of your voice is gentle, as you move to sit down next to me. I stare into my cup for long moments as I decide what to say. I could easily brush it off, say nothing, and that would be it. You wouldn't question me.
But I cannot lie to you.
"I... I just... Do you realise I've never...." I sigh, searching for the word I'm looking for. I can't find it, so start again... "Do you remember that mission on Rysell? The one where I was attacked by that animal and...." My voice trailed off.
"When you were blinded by its spray." You finish, knowing how difficult it is for me to say it.
I nod. "Even though I became a burden to the mission..." I hold up my hand when you are about to interrupt. "I was a burden Master, I slowed us down, but you were still so patient and understanding. And then later when the poison totally overcame me, you abandoned the mission to save my life. I..." I trail off, looking fully at you.
The expression on your face says it all, you are speechless. I can tell that you weren't expecting me to be quite so frank, or to be mulling over something quite so serious on our 'day off' as it were.
"I... You've always been there for me, helping me along, picking me up when I fall down. You protect my back in fights, as I protect yours. You place your own life before my own no matter what, and... And I just wanted to say thank you."
A weak smile pulls at the corner of my mouth as I finish, and gauge your reaction.
You draw me closer, and wrap your arms around me. "I love you too, padawan."
I have rehearsed for hours and hours how to tell you this, and have imagined just about every scenario possible. Sitting in our quarters thinking this is so much easier than telling you, and now that it's come to it... just you and me, you knowing there's something I need to say, I... This is going to be much more difficult than I ever realised.
I know you view me as an adult, which in theory should make what I have to tell you easier. And I'm telling you tonight. It's the only chance I have, the plans you have made only reaffirm this. A night, you said, where we are just Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, where we are two men, not master and apprentice. You said we need to get to know each other as people, and have set aside tonight to start this learning process, to spend some time relaxing in each other's company.
I never thought much about love, or even really believed in it before. At least not the romantic kind of love. It always seemed to me to be a useless waste of time and energy. Around the temple and in vids I would see people 'in love', and it never interested me. My friends were bonding with partners, and still the whole 'love' thing never bothered me.
Until I realised one day how very much in love with you I was. I remember I was having a conversation with Shirelle, who had just bonded with Oiz'Lar. She was telling me how wonderful she felt and how being with him made her all fuzzy. She rattled off whole lists of the things she felt, and I slowly realised every one of them related to me. To how I felt when I was with you.
I sink back into my chair, cradling my cup in my hands. A gentle touch on my shoulder, and I turn, looking into your blue eyes. I cannot meet your eyes though, and instead lower my head.
You must have knelt down in front of me, because you tilt my chin up, looking me in the eyes. I fight the urge to pull away, and instead blur my sight so I cannot see the worry in your face.
"Obi-Wan, what is it? Something's been bothering you all night." The tone of your voice is gentle, as you move to sit down next to me. I stare into my cup for long moments as I decide what to say. I could easily brush it off, say nothing, and that would be it. You wouldn't question me.
But I cannot lie to you.
"I... I just... Do you realise I've never...." I sigh, searching for the word I'm looking for. I can't find it, so start again... "Do you remember that mission on Rysell? The one where I was attacked by that animal and...." My voice trailed off.
"When you were blinded by its spray." You finish, knowing how difficult it is for me to say it.
I nod. "Even though I became a burden to the mission..." I hold up my hand when you are about to interrupt. "I was a burden Master, I slowed us down, but you were still so patient and understanding. And then later when the poison totally overcame me, you abandoned the mission to save my life. I..." I trail off, looking fully at you.
The expression on your face says it all, you are speechless. I can tell that you weren't expecting me to be quite so frank, or to be mulling over something quite so serious on our 'day off' as it were.
"I... You've always been there for me, helping me along, picking me up when I fall down. You protect my back in fights, as I protect yours. You place your own life before my own no matter what, and... And I just wanted to say thank you."
A weak smile pulls at the corner of my mouth as I finish, and gauge your reaction.
You draw me closer, and wrap your arms around me. "I love you too, padawan."