„Breaking Down My Barriers"
Alec's mind was racing. He knew he had to get out of there. He couldn't stand how everyone was looking at him, he felt their eyes on him, judging him. Magnus had said that he had nothing to be ashamed of, but what did he know of a Shadowhunter's sense of duty and responsibilities? The Law was hard, but it was the Law and not obeying it was not an option. Without saying another word to anyone, he stormed out of Magnus' apartment. He needed to be alone. Once outside, he didn't know where to go so he ended up walking the streets of Brooklyn for hours, trying to find a solution, a way out. His whole life he had tried to keep that side of him hidden, knowing full well that his parents and the Shadowhunter world at large would never accept it. And then Jace had come into their lives. At first, everything had been great between them, they had become best friends, brothers, parabatais. However, over time his feelings for Jace had changed, turned into something deeper, into something forbidden. He had erected carefully constructed barriers ever since he had started developing feelings for Jace. He didn't want to jeopardise his relationship with Jace, he valued their parabatai bond above all. And today with one fell swoop, all his barriers had been destroyed, crumbled down because of a freaking memory demon. How could he have let this happen? He had never wanted Jace to know how he felt about him and now that memory demon had outed him. Jace had looked so surprised, what must he be thinking? Alec did not know how he could face Jace ever again. Their whole relationship was put into question now. Parabatais were not supposed to fall in love; it was not allowed. Not to mention that Jace was straight and couldn't possibly reciprocate his feelings. As Alec was roaming the streets of Brooklyn, he got more and more desperate by the minute. What was he going to do? His whole life came crashing down around him.
After several hours of wandering around and still not being closer to a solution, Alec decided to head back to the Institute. It was after 2 am, hopefully everyone would be asleep and he wouldn't have to face anyone. Stealthily he sneaked into the Institute and quietly walked to his room. Everything was quiet, everyone seemed to be sleeping. How anyone could be sleeping at a time when his whole life was coming apart, Alec did not know. He went into his room and continued pacing there. Since this did nothing to calm his nerves, he sat down on the bed and debated whether he should call or text Jace. Then he saw the time on his phone, it was after 3 am, Jace was probably sleeping. Alec put down his phone and sighed. This was gonna be a sleepless night. No way would he be able to fall asleep with all these thoughts swirling around in his head. He wouldn't be able to relax until he talked to Jace and knew they were okay, if they were okay. Alec stretched out on the bed anyway and continued freaking out. Suddenly his phone buzzed and he sat up again. It was a text from Jace, what was he still doing up? And why was he texting him? With shaking fingers, Alec unlocked his phone and opened Jace's text. It read: "Hey, you still up? Can we talk?" "Oh crap," Alec thought, "he wants to talk about it now, he must be really freaked out." Jace was not exactly known for expressing his feelings, for having heart to hearts. But this was apparently something that not even Jace could ignore. "What if he doesn't want to be my best friendanymore?" Alec thought nervously. The dread in the pit of his stomach grew. Still, it could not be helped, they needed to have this out now. Before he could change his mind, Alec quickly texted back. "Sure, why don't you come to my room?" He had just sent the text when Jace wrote back: "On my way." Wow, he really wants to get this over with. A few minutes later, he heard a soft knock on his door. Alec slowly stood up and walked to the door. Before he opened it, he sent out a silent prayer to the Angel that Jace would not hate him now. He deeply inhaled and exhaled slowly and then quietly opened the door. Jace in all his glory was standing there smiling up at him. Alec could never get over how handsome Jace was, it floored him every single time. It looked like he had showered because his blond hair was still wet and he smelt clean, he smelt oh so good. Jace was wearing sweatpants and a grey comfy hoodie with nothing underneath. Alec could see parts of his beautiful naked torso and that always did something to him. The way the Marks seemed to be dancing over Jace's muscles, how his skin was both so smooth and crisscrossed with numerous fading white scars. Apparently, Jace had been talking because Alec was suddenly snapped out of his reverie when Jace grabbed his arm and asked with amusement in his voice if Alec was ever gonna invite him in. "Oh yes, sorry, come on in," Alec said blushing bright red. Jace looked at him funnily and walked into Alec's room. "So, uhmm, what did you wanna talk about?" Alec asked without meeting Jace's eyes. "I think we need to talk about what happened with the memory demon." Jace replied softly. Alec's heart was starting to beat faster and his hands were starting to get sweaty. He tried to find his voice. "Listen, Jace, I'm sorry. You've got every right to be mad at me." Alec said hesitatingly, still not looking at Jace. "Why would I be mad at you?" Jace asked in a surprised voice. "Damn, he's gonna make me spell it out for him." Alec thought, starting to panic. Still, he soldiered on. "Well, you know, how the memory demon revealed that you were the one that I love the most." Alec barely dared to breathe. Jace said nothing, just stared at Alec with an intense look in his eyes. Nervously, Alec continued: "I know that you don't feel the same way about me so this must be very awkward for you. All I can do is apologize and hope that you still consider me your friend, your parabatai." Jace remained silent and Alec was starting to despair. "He hates me and is disgusted by me." Alec thought. If only Clary Fairchild had never come into our lives and we had never gone to that memory demon! "You don't need to apologize, Alec." Jace finally said after what felt like years. Alec finally dared to look up, straight into Jace's beautiful multi-colored eyes. What he saw there took his breath away. Instead of disgust or anger, he only saw love and understanding in Jace's eyes. And maybe something else. For a second, Alec could have sworn he saw lust as well but then he blinked and it was gone. "I knew all along that you had feelings for me but you never said anything so I tried to respect that." Jace said. Alec couldn't believe his ears. Jace had known all along? His entire freak-out earlier had been for nothing? "I, I don't know what to say", Alec finally stammered. "I didn't say anything because I thought you would have been disgusted if you knew that I was …" "Gay?" Jace asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "It is okay to say the word, Alec." "I know, I just never thought you would be this cool about all of this." Alec replied. "Have I ever given you a reason to think that I would be a dick about this? You should really trust people more, Alec. We are best friends after all, aren't we?" Jace said accusingly. "Yes, we are," Alec replied sheepishly, "I'm sorry". "Jeez, Alec, stop apologizing already!" "I'm sor— I just thought what with you being straight and my parabatai and all, it would make things weird between us if I had told you how I really felt." Alec said. "And who says that I am?" Jace asked while winking at Alec. "That you are what?" Alec asked feeling utterly confused. "Straight!" Jace smirked at Alec's flabbergasted expression. "Wait, what?" Alec was feeling more and more bewildered by the second. "I mean, yeah, I have been known to hook up with girls so I can see how you would jump to this conclusion. But there's more to me than that." Jace was still grinning at Alec. "Don't fuck with me, Jace." Alec was suddenly furious. "This is no joke, this is my life." Jace instantly looked contrite. "I know, I'm sorry, Alec, that was stupid of me." Jace said softly. "I was just trying to say that you are apparently very sure that I don't return your feelings and I was trying to tell you, very badly obviously, that this is not the case." Jace sounded completely sincere and looked at him pleadingly. Alec could not believe what he was hearing. Was Jace trying to tell him that he had feelings for him too? Feelings that went beyond the usual parabatai bond? When did this happen? Alec's mouth went dry and all he could do was stare at Jace. Jace nervously fiddled with the strings of his hoodie, he suddenly seemed very unsure of himself, which was very unusual since Jace was normally so confident in everything he did. "It's just seeing that you love me so much when we did the ritual with the memory demon, it did something to me. It forced me to confront my own feelings for you. Feelings that I have tried to repress for a while now. Unsuccessfully, as it seems." Jace said while slowly walking towards Alec. Alec hardly dared to breathe because he felt as if he were dreaming and any second now he was gonna wake up and Jace and these incredible words he was saying would be gone. Jace kept approaching until he stood right in front of Alec, so close that Alec would have been able to touch him if he had dared. Jace gave him that intense look again and then sighed. "Can't you see that I'm just as much into you as you are into me?" Jace asked. All Alec could do was shake his head in disbelief. "Here, let me prove it to you." Jace said slowly reaching out his hand. Jace tenderly stroked Alec's face and then brought the two of them even closer together. Jace leaned in for a kiss and Alec closed his eyes, still half expecting to wake up from this wonderful dream any minute now. But then he felt Jace's warm lips on his own and it felt so real. Jace gently kept kissing him, nibbling at Alec's bottom lip, waiting for Alec to kiss him back. Alec finally snapped out of his conviction that this was all a dream when he felt Jace's crotch pressing against him and could tell how hard Jace was. "This is really happening." Alec thought, full of wonder. He started kissing Jace back, gently at first and then more and more passionately. Alec roughly grabbed Jace's head and tousled his hair. He felt Jace's mouth open for him and took full advantage of that. Alec's tongue darted out and pushed into Jace's mouth. Their tongues started a slow, sexy duel, fighting for dominance. Jace groaned, pulled Alec closer and deepened their kiss. Alec liked the effect he had on Jace a lot and continued to attack Jace with his tongue until the lack of air became an issue and they reluctantly broke apart. They were both breathing heavily. Jace's eyes were dark with lust and Alec thought that he had never looked more beautiful. "Believe me now?" Jace asked cockily. Alec grinned and began kissing Jace again. "Yes, I do," he said between kisses. Maybe letting Jace break down his barriers was not such a bad thing after all.
3