Reassurance
The diamond in her ring glitters in the thin stream of moonlight as she reclines in the bed; her right arm behind her head, one knee up, and one of his shirts on, staring at the ring on her left hand, twirling it around, trying to get one rotation without using two of her fingers.
The chill of the wind coming in through the window doesn't bother her because the day had been so hot.
Catherine sighed and looked over at the clock. Shift ended just over three hours ago, and the jealous and paranoid part of her was starting to creep into her already unsettled mind. It was close to the fifth time he'd been gone well into the night in a month, about the twentieth time over three months. And when he did come home, all they did was argue about not him not coming home after work.
Lindsay was not taking their strain well, and she refused to talk to either of them until they worked their problems out.
Catherine leaned over and called Grissom.
"Hey, it's me," she said in as strong a voice as she could muster, because she didn't want to betray the fact that she was scared.
"Catherine, he left the lab," Grissom said. "And he left his cell phone and pager here."
Catherine's heart fell deeper into the endless pit of helplessness.
"Thanks," she said before hanging up slowly.
She went back to the position she was laying in and sighed.
"Warrick where are you?" She asked to the nothingness of the room.
Catherine jumped when she heard a knock at the bedroom door. Before she could say anything, Lindsay peeked in and she came in the room.
"Hi mommy," she said quietly.
"Hi sweetie," she said.
"Do you want some peanut butter?" Lindsay asked.
"No baby," she said. "Thank you though."
"Okay," she said. "Do you want some milk to help you sleep?"
"No," Catherine said with a smile. "You enjoy your snack okay?"
"Okay mom," Lindsay said before going back to her room.
Catherine continued to look at her ring. She thought about taking it off, but she wouldn't allow herself. She was going to try again. She and Warrick had been married close to two years, and within that time, they grew apart. There were plenty of good times, but the times that stuck out most in her mind were the hard times. When they married, they both knew what they were getting into, and even what little families they had and their friends were unsure of them getting married, but they took that step anyway, and the rest was heads or tails.
The first hard time they ran into was her miscarriage. Shortly after they got married, they threw caution to the wind and three months later, she was pregnant. They were truly a family, and having a new baby on the way just added to their happiness. Catherine was in her fourth month and she had been complaining of slight pains in her abdomen. When Warrick took her to the doctor, they did a sonogram and found that the baby had died.
They told them that it was spontaneous abortion. It was a rare medical condition in pregnant women, but not unheard of. They did a C-section and removed the baby. They told her that if she got pregnant again, it would be a gamble, so Catherine and Warrick agreed that they weren't going to try to have a baby.
After that, Catherine hardly spoke of Baby Abigail (the doctors informed them that it would have been a girl) and she tried her best to forget about what happened, and tried not to let it affect her, but it did, and that opened the gap in her and Warrick's relationship. She had many explanations, and Warrick listened to every last one of them. She went so far as to say that maybe it was punishment from God for something terrible that they did. Her explanations got crazier and crazier, and after a while, she stopped thinking about it all together.
They went back to normal, and everything seemed okay, but it really wasn't. Sex had become a problem; neither of them enjoyed it like they used to, and it became more an issue of belonging to each other than it was love. They knew that no one else would want to put up with either of them, so they may as well stay together. Eventually, they stopped having sex altogether.
At work, they couldn't stay civil:
"Warrick, I need you to talk to me! You can't just go chasing evidence without me! I'm your partner!" Catherine shouted to him in layout room.
"You didn't want to go with it, so I went," Warrick said in frustration. "I don't have to tell you every little thing Catherine."
"You do when it comes to our cases," Catherine said, her voice lowering a bit.
"No I don't," Warrick argued vehemently. "Right now, we're on a need to know basis. You're not my mother Catherine."
"I know I'm not!" She shouted. "I'm your wife! If I can't trust you to tell me things, then how can I trust you in this marriage!?"
"Our marriage has nothing to do with this!"
"It has everything to do with this!"
It was nothing but a big shouting match and Grissom had to step in and separate them. They were both sent home on paid leave for a week to work out whatever was going on.
And at home, they weren't much better:
Catherine and Lindsay sat at the dinner table, patiently waiting on Warrick to come home. It was past nine, and Warrick should have been home with her earlier in the morning. He was working a double.
"Mom, I'm tired," Lindsay whined.
"I know baby, finish your dinner and go on to bed," Catherine said.
Lindsay finished up then headed down the hall to her bedroom. Just as she came out of her bathroom from brushing her teeth, Warrick came home and she knew that for a while, she wouldn't be able to sleep.
"Where were you?" Catherine asked as she slammed dishes particularly hard into the sink.
"At work, where else?" He quipped.
"You worked a double on purpose," she accused.
"If I knew that you were going to be in such a bad mood, I would've stayed," Warrick said rather harshly.
"You called me two hours ago saying that you were going to be home in ten minutes," Catherine hissed as she washed the dishes furiously.
"I'm sorry babe," he said sincerely.
"No!" she shouted. "You say that every time!"
"What do you want me to say?" He asked, now irritated.
"I don't want you to say anything," she said. "Just don't come home late and say sorry. I'd rather you just not talk to me."
"Catherine, I said I was sorry!" He yelled.
"You know what? I don't forgive you!" She shouted. "Not this time!"
"I can't talk to you right now," he said.
"You will stand there, and you will listen!" She commanded. "Don't walk away from me! Dammit Warrick!"
She threw the plates straight down to the floor and they shattered in all different directions. The noise caused Lindsay to jump.
Catherine buried her face in her hands and cried.
Warrick left and Catherine sank to the floor, bawling. Lindsay went over to her mother, careful of the debris. Lindsay hugged her.
"It's okay mama," she whispered. "It's okay."
Catherine wiped her tears as she continued to stare at her wedding ring. She was trying to decide whether it was worth it to try and save her marriage to Warrick. She loved him more than anything, but their marriage was in a ruin. She didn't know why they couldn't get back to where they were when they first got married. For one thing, she knew that they couldn't handle the grief of losing a child. Abigail would have been Warrick's first child, and the decision not to have any together hit him hard.
Catherine stared at the papers on the bedside table. She had almost forgotten that they were there. They were divorce papers. Catherine decided that she would save those as a last resort if they couldn't work out their problems.
She heard the alarm beep and disarm. Warrick was finally home, and it was one o'clock in the morning. He'd spent all day at work or wherever without calling, or dropping by the house.
Her heart pounded as she heard him coming down the hallway. There was a light knock and then he opened the door and came in and leaned against the wall by the dresser.
"Hey," he whispered.
"Hey," she whispered back, continuing to stare at her ring.
"Are you okay?" He asked. "Do you need anything?"
Catherine shook her head. "I'm okay."
Warrick nodded his understanding.
"You can go now," she said in a small voice.
For the past few weeks, Warrick slept in the guest bedroom. Warrick didn't object and he went to his new space.
In a rare and bold move, he approached her. He could tell that she was looking at him strangely, but he didn't care. He approached her until their lips met. Catherine resisted at first, but then she gave in and grabbed him by the shirt collar and pulled him closer. They hadn't kissed each other like this in many months, and there was no telling how long it had been since they made love.
Catherine pulled away and looked at him. She let his collar go and looked away.
"Goodnight," she whispered breathlessly.
"Goodnight," he said before backing away from her.
***
Catherine was on her way to pick up Lindsay from school. Warrick was at home taking care of some business. Catherine did not want to go home. She decided that she would take Lindsay out for some ice cream.
Catherine was visibly stressed. Instead of being excited about going home, she dreaded it, and a sense of foreboding came upon her every time she thought about home. Home held nothing but coldness, despite its warm décor.
She chewed her thumb as she drove to Lindsay's school. She wondered how Lindsay was holding up in school. She had not looked at her grades lately, and she'd been dealing with bullies. Catherine knew that she and Warrick had to work out their problems if not for themselves, for Lindsay's sake. For now, divorce was not an option. Warrick was a good man, and she knew that he loved her. The only problem was that they were extremely unhappy. Catherine didn't know whether it was because of their families' condemning the marriage, or Catherine's inability to deal with grief, but she did know that she and Warrick were hanging by a very thin thread.
Catherine saw the principal standing next to Lindsay. Her heart skipped a beat.
Catherine parked the car and got out.
"Hi Principal Graham," Catherine said, extending a hand.
"Hi Mrs. Brown," she said with a bright smile. "Can I take about thirty minutes of your time to talk to you and your husband?"
"Um, well, my husband's at home," Catherine said with a smile. "You can talk to me."
"Well, I'd like to talk to both of you today if you don't mind," the principal insisted. "It's very important."
Catherine nodded and pulled out her cell phone.
"Hey," she said. "Um, I need you to come up to Lindsay's school," Catherine said. "It's important. Yeah. Okay, bye."
Catherine hung up.
"He's on his way," she said.
"Please, come inside," Principal Graham said.
Catherine waited patiently for Warrick to come to the school. In the meantime, she made small talk with the principal.
"How was your day?" Catherine asked.
"It was good," Principal Graham answered. "I had a few problems to attend to, but other than that my day went well. Yours?"
Catherine shifted uneasily in her seat. She wanted to say that her day was crap, and that she argued with her husband from the break of dawn until she left to get Lindsay, that she was a bad wife, a bad mother, and that she had the worst migraine in history coming on.
"It was fine," Catherine said after a moment.
Warrick came through the door.
"Ah, Mr. Brown," Principal Graham greeted him. "Nice seeing you again. Please, have a seat."
Warrick sat in the chair next to Catherine's. Tonya Graham was the youngest principal in the history of the school. She was vibrant, and full of personality. The children loved her. She was not yet married, and from observing the behavior that Mr. and Mrs. Brown were exhibiting, frankly she didn't want to get married anytime soon. She noticed that they didn't even acknowledge each other.
"Well, let me get the negative stuff out of the way," Tonya started. "Lindsay's behavior as of late has been a little rough and withdrawn. She is being picked on by other kids in the class, and well, she responds violently. Now, Mr. Brown, she told me that you taught her how to fight."
Catherine looked over at Warrick. "You did what?"
"No, I didn't-" he sighed. "Listen, she told me that some kids were knocking her around, so I taught her some defensive moves."
"I can't believe you!" Catherine hissed. "Lindsay needs to learn how to use her words."
"Catherine, she needs to learn how to defend herself," Warrick said. "I don't want her to let people think it's okay for them to hit her."
"Still, if someone's bothering her, she's going to want to pick a fight," Catherine said bitingly. "Because of you."
"Come on Cath," Warrick said, getting irritated. "I didn't teach her to pick a fight-"
"So? You still taught her how to fight first instead of talking first," Catherine growled.
"Sometimes words aren't enough," Warrick said.
"That's not the point Warrick!" Catherine nearly shouted.
Lindsay could hear them going at it again.
"Okay," Tonya interfered. "Anyway, it would be a good idea to talk to her about nonviolent methods," she pointed out to relieve some tension in the room. "Mr. and Mrs. Brown, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, and forgive me if they're personal, and you don't have to answer them if you don't want to."
Catherine and Warrick agreed.
"Okay," Tonya sighed. "How often do you two argue like that?"
"Almost everyday," Catherine answered honestly.
Warrick nodded his agreement.
"Are you thinking about separation or divorce?"
At the same time, Catherine and Warrick uttered two different answers.
"What?" Warrick asked incredulously.
"Yes," Catherine admitted. "I've been thinking about it, I even had a lawyer draw up the papers for me."
Warrick ran his hands over his face and looked between his knees to the floor.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked.
"Because I wasn't sure about it, I'm still not," Catherine answered quietly.
"Are you currently seeking council?" Tonya asked.
Catherine shook her head.
"Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brown, I'm concerned about Lindsay," Tonya said. "She's been withdrawn, and distant, and she doesn't want to talk about home."
"I know," Catherine said.
"But, there is a bit of good news," Tonya said. "Lindsay's grades are excellent, and I was hoping that you'd consider putting her in advanced classes."
Tonya handed each of them a graded assignment. Both had 100s on them and special comments. Catherine and Warrick smiled at each other, the first show of affection in a whole day.
"These are great," Catherine said. "Of course, I mean that's if Lindsay doesn't mind, you can put her in advanced classes."
"Great," Tonya said, happy to make the struggling couple happy for the moment. "I just need you both to sign a few papers, and she'll be enrolled in advanced classes next year."
Catherine and Warrick signed the papers needed.
"Thank you Ms. Graham," Catherine said happily.
Catherine and Warrick walked out of the office. Lindsay looked up at both of them.
"What'd she say?" She asked nervously.
"Well, she said that you have been doing very well in all of your classes, and that you won't have to worry about bullies," Catherine said. "And since you made me and Warrick so proud, how about we go get some ice cream to celebrate?"
"Cool!" Lindsay said happily. "Thank you mommy!"
Lindsay hugged both of them and ran ahead. Catherine and Warrick walked together a little slowly.
"That went well," Warrick said.
"Yeah," Catherine agreed. "Listen, I think that maybe we should talk about the divorce thing over dinner this week sometime," Catherine proposed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I really don't want one, but we should still talk about it."
"Yeah," Warrick agreed. "In the meantime, since we're on good terms this afternoon, do you mind if I hold your hand?"
"Not at all," Catherine giggled.
***
Catherine spotted Warrick and waved him over in the restaurant.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," she said back.
He sat down. The air between them grew thick and tense.
Warrick ordered champagne for them.
"Okay," Catherine sighed. "I've been thinking a lot about this, and I've come to a decision."
Warrick shifted in his seat and waited for her decision.
"I think that we should separate for a while," Catherine said, trying to hold back her tears. "And here's why. I love you Warrick, I truly do, but I don't think we're meant to be together. I mean, I'm starting to think that we just married each other to try and prove everyone else wrong. We can't even have a decent conversation anymore. Everything has to be an argument. That's why I think it will be best for us, and for Lindsay, if we separated for a while until we decide what to do next."
Warrick sighed and took her words in before replying.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yeah," she answered quietly as tears spilled over.
Warrick wanted nothing more than to respect Catherine's wishes.
"Okay," he said.
***
Lindsay could hear her mother crying hysterically in the living room from her bedroom.
"I don't want to end this marriage," Catherine cried into the phone to Sara. "I love Warrick so much. It's all my fault for pushing him away. I've already lost one husband. I don't want to lose Warrick."
"You won't Catherine," Sara said. "You two need to get some kind of therapy. Catherine, have you and Warrick talked about Abigail?"
"No," Catherine cried. "I can't talk about her. It hurts too much to remember her."
"You two need to talk about what happened," Sara insisted. "That's when you two started having problems."
"I can't," Catherine cried.
"You have to Catherine," Sara said. "You have to if you want to save your marriage."
***
Nick gave Warrick a beer as he sat back down.
"Catherine's really upset," Warrick started. "Lindsay told me that Catherine's been crying everyday."
"Tough break for both of you," Nick said sympathetically. "Do you think you'll end up divorcing?"
"I hope not," Warrick said. "I don't want to divorce her. I love Catherine."
Nick nodded his head. "I know you do," he said. "Ever since Abigail…"
Nick trailed off as he noticed Warrick's reaction to the baby's name. Warrick's face showed sadness and guilt.
"We haven't even mentioned Abby," Warrick said. "Catherine won't talk about her."
"Man, I'm sorry if I-"
"It's okay," Warrick said. "Man, when they took Abigail out of Catherine, I remember how tiny she looked. Her fingers were so small, and her eyes were still closed."
Warrick looked down at the floor.
"My first thought was that's my little girl," Warrick admitted. "She'll always be my little girl."
***
Catherine was rummaging through a closet in the house when she found a photo album.
She took it down and carried it to the living room. She sat it down on the coffee table and opened it.
In the front, there was a picture of she and Warrick on their wedding day. Catherine smiled as she remembered the day. The wedding was beautiful, and at that time, Catherine didn't know that they would run into problems. She was happy, and glad to be with the man she loved. She flipped the page and saw a picture of them on their honeymoon. They had gone to New York for their honeymoon. They were in front of Central Park.
They had a wonderful time, and they didn't want to leave. She giggled and flipped a little further in the album until she got to the picture of when she first found out she was pregnant with Abigail. They were at a party and Catherine told Warrick then. He was to her right, smiling about it, and she was glaring at him, pale as a ghost. Catherine laughed out loud at the picture. Nick had taken that picture. Catherine couldn't remember exactly what happened to make her look so angry, but she figured that Nick had told a dirty pregnancy joke.
She then looked below that picture to the next one that had she and Lindsay in it. Lindsay had just gotten from a play and they were both smiling into the camera.
Catherine never realized how refreshing memories were; even if they were bad.
She eventually came to her pregnancy pictures. She realized that she was rather large for her fourth month.
The last picture taken of her pregnant was taken by Greg. Warrick was behind her with his hands lovingly on her belly, and her hands on top of his, and they were kissing.
That was a week before Abigail died within her womb.
Catherine wiped the tears from her face as she closed the album.
She desperately wanted to save her marriage. Warrick was all she had.
She knew that she had to talk about how she felt about losing Abigail. Warrick didn't know that she thought it was her fault. He dealt with losing Abigail in his own way, and he seemed to accept it, but she still couldn't deal. Losing a child was the worst of all tragedies, especially when your own body couldn't handle it.
Catherine didn't want to lose another husband. She had come too far with Warrick to give up on their marriage now.
Catherine put the album on a shelf.
Catherine began to twist her ring once again.
The damage done to their relationship seemed irreparable. How could she ever make up for all the things she said to him? All the things she did?
She walked around the house, turning off lights and whatnot. There was a storm outside, and she didn't want to have the electricity on anyway. Through all of the noise outside, she managed to hear a knock at the door. At first, she figured that it was debris from the storm, but when it happened again, she knew that there was somebody at the door.
She went to the door and quickly opened it. She knew it was Warrick from the other Denali parked in the driveway, but he was walking away.
"Warrick!" She screamed to get his attention.
He turned around.
Catherine ran out into the rain and she kissed him.
"I love you so much!" She cried. "I love you! I want to be your wife!"
They kissed again and Warrick picked her up and carried her into the house.
They let the warmth of the inside surround them as they stared at each other. Warrick caressed her flushed cheeks.
"Catherine, please forgive me for all the things I said and did to you," he whispered. "I love you more than anything. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Forgive me," she whispered. "I didn't mean to push you away. I love you so much, and I couldn't bear being away from you. Give me a reason to save this marriage," she begged. "Give me a reason to stay married."
Warrick kissed her deeply before responding.
"Because we love each other," he explained. "I want to be with you Catherine. You're the love of my life, and you brought me out of places that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of. I love you Catherine, and I'll love you for the rest of my life. I don't want to be with anybody else. I don't want to lose you."
Catherine hugged him and cried on his shoulder. "Don't leave me ever again," she cried. "Even if I say so, don't. I want to stay with you."
"There is one other reason we should stay married," Warrick whispered as he cupped her face again.
Catherine sniffled. "What's that?"
"No one else will put up with you getting a different glass for every different kind of drink and leaving them all over the place," he chuckled.
"That annoys you?" Catherine giggled.
"I can't stand it," he said before leaning down to kiss her.
The kiss became deeper and Catherine wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. His hands caressed her sides and eventually slipped under her wet shirt. The coldness of his hands against her warm skin was enough to make her whimper. Her hands traveled down to the collar of his jacket and she pushed it off of him and let it fall to the floor.
Warrick started kissing her neck right at the spot that turned her on.
"Warrick," she whispered. "Bedroom."
They kissed again more passionately as they moved to their bedroom. Once there, Catherine started to unbutton his shirt. Warrick took her butterfly clip out of her hair and let it fall to her back. He lifted her arms over her head and took off her shirt with ease. Getting impatient, Catherine ripped his shirt open and all the buttons popped off one by one. When it was open, she pushed it off of him and threw it somewhere in the room.
They had not made love in a little over a year, so they were definitely in need of a release of pent up passion.
By the time they were completely nude in bed, there were clothes scattered all over the place.
When he entered her, she gasped and kissed him sensually. Catherine had not felt him in so long that the feeling seemed new.
"Oh God…" she whimpered. "Warrick…"
She had her hands on the headboard to keep her head from hitting it because of the force of his thrusts. Their bodies were damp with a mixture of rain and sweat. Warrick buried his face in her neck and continued to drive into her.
Catherine wrapped her arms and legs around him as the pace slowed. She kissed him tenderly, letting him know that she was with him forever.
They rolled over and Catherine was on top. She leaned down and kissed him as he put his hands on her hips. She ran her hands up his chest to his shoulders and tightened her grip as she moved on him. He guided her hips in the way he wanted them to go, effectively pulling her down on him harder each time.
"I love you," she panted. "I love you, I love you."
She felt one of his hands travel to her neck and he pulled her gently to him and kissed her. She opened her mouth for a deeper kiss and he obliged her. She laid her head on his shoulder and allowed him to pull her against him. He could feel her breath on his neck.
"I want you," she whispered breathlessly.
He rolled back on top of her and thrust into her.
"Catherine…" He panted.
They climaxed together and kissed deeply.
"I waited so long to do that to you," Warrick whispered.
Catherine smiled. "I love you."
"I love you," he said before kissing her again.
***
Catherine had not been to Abigail's grave in a long time. Just seeing it again made her bawl. Warrick held her close as she mourned the baby girl all over again.
"It was my fault," she cried.
"No it wasn't," Warrick assured her. "It just happened."
Catherine sat down at the bench and Warrick accompanied her.
"I thought that losing her was my fault," Catherine admitted. "I still think that. That day, when she died, I was mad at you over something," she said. "Whatever it was, it was something stupid, and I began to clean the house. Well, I was in the kitchen and I slipped on some water. I grabbed the counters and fell on my butt. So, when we went to the doctor because I had been complaining of pains and he told us that she died, I was mad at myself. I thought that she died because I fell."
Warrick did not know about that incident and he felt guilty for leaving her by herself.
"Don't think that my fall was your fault," she said, wiping a tear. "You and I both know that she didn't dies because of my fall, but I can't help but think that."
Warrick hugged her.
"For a little while," Warrick started. "I was mad at you."
"Why?" Catherine asked.
"Because you felt like you were the only one who loved Abby," he admitted. "And that you took the burden of grief on by yourself instead of us grieving together. I felt alone."
"I'm so sorry," she said quietly, taking his hand in hers. "It's hard losing a child. I carried her for four months, and I was close to her and I loved her so much."
"We both did," Warrick said.
They sat there, staring at Abigail's grave for a long while to let their feelings go, and their tears to dry.
"Ready?" Warrick asked.
Catherine stared at Abby's grave a little longer before nodding and getting up.
They walked back to the car hand in hand, knowing that everything was going to be alright.