The pain was a lapping wave that he'd long since gotten used to. It was the pain of a dying body fighting itself and throwing a few extra bruise-knuckled punches at the brain as well. The pain numbed the half of his face that was pressed against the cement floor and sliced through his head like garotte wire.
Josh opened his eyes in the darkness and drew in a breath that made his lungs feel like they were rattling with shards of broken glass. Through the left eye, he examined the faint outlines of the room's interior. The washer and dryer on the far wall. The lightless, hanging lamp on the ceiling. The warm body nearby, glowing softly. He shut that eye and focused with his unafflicted one until the body took proper form.
Sam was still there. She must have fallen asleep on the mat and he'd passed out on the floor nearby. Not surprising. She'd 'accidentally' fallen asleep in the laundry room each night since the day Mike discovered what was going on and he suggested that Josh be put out of his 'obvious misery'.
"She's protecting me," Josh thought. If he could scoff in his head, he'd have scoffed. "Ought to be the one pulling the trigger."
He pressed a hand to the cool floor and his nails clicked loudly against the concrete. He hissed from the discomfort of his bones sliding and crackling under his skin as he pushed himself back up, but he managed nonetheless.
"I'm still tired. Why am I still so fucking tired?"
He could hear his hissing breaths echoing off of the close walls as he sat in the darkness and watched the silhouette of Sam's back rising and falling with each slow and steady breath.
"How is she always so calm?"
Even with all the stress that had tangled her hair and cracked her lips the past few days, her body was still and the sound of her breathing a gentle whisper even to his oversensitive ears.
He slid one hand across the cold, grainy floor and began to shift himself closer to her. Not too close, and he'd be wary, but at least closer. Maybe if he was closer to her he could lay himself back on the floor and pass out again. Be numb for a while longer. The idea alone was tantalizing.
He got himself close enough to hear her gentle heartbeat from a few feet away and then he let his body slump to the floor. The vibration thudded into his shoulder and left a icy soreness that blended in with the rest of his discomfort.
"Mmph..." Sam stirred in her sleep. Josh clamped his mouth shut and waited for her body to relax, but it didn't. She instead stiffened and grunted once more into the mat underneath her face.
He instinctually shot his arm out to touch her shoulder, but immediately halted once he saw the shadow of his own grostesque and pointed fingers in front of him.
"I can't touch her."
He'd just began to pull his hand back towards his body when Sam released a shuddering whimper and without a moment to think, his hand was on her back, gently trailing back and forth over her shoulder.
He opened his mouth to whisper that everything was okay but all that came out was a quiet, choking sound. So he just kept doing what he could do and he patted her back, feeling the warmth through her shirt as her body began to loosen up under his hand.
"Mrrr..." she mumbled, she turned her face towards him and her lips parted to release a satisfied breath.
"You're alright, Sammy-girl... That's it."
Each time her cheek twitched it casted wrinkles along the few silvery scars that marked her face. So many tiny little scars.
"Your fault," the buzzing whispered in the back of his mind. He hitched his breath and told it to be quiet.
"Shut up! She's fine. She's strong. She's so strong."
He kept his hand on the back of her shirt, tracing his fingertips carefully along the wrinkles in the fabric. There was something so satisfying about feeling her breathe. So he let himself have that comfort for a while.
S...A...M.
He traced the letters onto her back with the tip of his fingernail. To do so was almost hypnotising. Slowly and gently reminding himself who was laying there in front of him. Samantha. Good, patient, astonishing Samantha.
S...A...M.
S...A...M.
S...A...M.
He halted for a moment, checking her face for any sign of movement before continuing to gently stroke his nail against her once again.
I...L-O-V-E...Y-O-U.
He huffed out a breath and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. So that was the best he could do, now? Even telling her face-to-face that he loved her wouldn't be enough. He didn't just love her. There had to be a stronger word. But it didn't matter. Even if he found the word, he couldn't tell her. Not now. Not even if he had a voice. He couldn't hurt her that way.
But still. This he could do... and it was something.
I...L-O-V-E...Y-O-U.
Tracing it a second time didn't hurt any less than the first. His eyes still burned a little bit more with each letter. But still he continued.
S...A...M.
I...L-O-V-E...Y-O-U.
The moment he finished that one last letter 'U', Sam shifted in her spot. Josh pulled his hand away but with really no good purpose. Sam still reached out and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling the two of them closer together until her face was inches away from his, her eyes still closed.
"I love you too," she whispered, a tiny smirk flickering across the curve of her lips.
No, no, no. She was too close. Her breath was on his face. He could feel the heat radiating off her skin and hear her veins pulsating underneath. He could smell her blood even from the outside.
The buzzing awoke. It tensed his hands. It opened his jaw. It wanted to hurt her!
He wanted to scream 'No!', but all that came out was a grating, gutteral shriek as he strained against her grip and kicked at the ground, trying desperately to get away.
He heard her scream too, it pierced his oversentive eardrums. But he didn't care. She was letting go of him. Her arm left his side and he could push himself away without fear of ripping it off. He didn't know how far he was moving. That is, until he struck the far wall head-first. He ignored the rapid-growing ache in his skull and he focused on pressing himself against the wall, feeling around for something to hold onto. He found it. A pipe against the wall that probably lead to the furnace. He gripped the rusting steel with both hands and held himself there, breathing heavily and rapidly.
And for a while, that harsh breathing was the only sound in the room. It seemed to intensify the ugliness of the situation. That harsh, gritty, inhuman breathing that rushed desperately in and out of his aching chest.
Then, a frail voice broke the silence.
"Josh?" Sam whimpered. "...Josh are you okay?"
His head jerked involuntarily over his shoulder so he could look at her. Her glowing outline sat upright, still in the center of the room but still leaning towards him, one hand outstretched and trembling.
"Look what you did! She's terrified!"
He grunted and forced his face back towards the wall.
"Josh!" she sobbed. He heard her shuffle and rise from the floor. He cowered against the wall as her footsteps grew closer and she audibly slumped to the floor behind him.
"Josh, please! Show me that you're okay! Come on!"
He knew what she really meant... 'Show me that you're still you.'.
He put his forehead against the brick, rough as sandpaper, and he let a slow sigh escape. He gave himself a few seconds to prepare before he released the pipe in his hands and flexed his quivering fingers in front of his face, telling them to behave. Then he slowly turned himself around, always keeping one part of his body pressed against the wall. He kept his eyes down until he was completely facing Sam, then he let them flick back up.
Her eyes were wide and shimmering. Her eyebrows high and her shoulders lifting and dropping with rapid breaths. Her entire expression was laden with concern...
And her neck was leaking dark blood from a small but fresh scratch.
It felt like his throat was clamping shut. He could only stare back at her. But it seemed to help nonetheless. After a moment of looking back into his eyes she visibly relaxed a little, although her eyes still glimmered with tears that she was obviously fighting back.
"Was-" She began to speak but choked between words. "...Was it what I said? Josh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
He widened his eyes and released a gurgling noise from his throat.
"What you said?! No, Sam!"
"I was half asleep and I thought you-... You have so much bullshit to worry about right now and I had to go and..."
Her voice was cracking, her chin was trembling. He was making her cry again. Was that all he could do for her? Make her cry?
"No, Sam," he whispered in his own head. "Sam, I love you so much... God dammit! Please let me tell her!"
He reached a hand out to touch her cheek, but once again he hesitated as soon as he was close enough to feel her warmth. It didn't matter, she moved the rest of the way and pushed her cheek into his hand, nuzzling into it for comfort.
"I love you so much..."
His shoulders shook in a sob that escaped his throat in the form of a choke. Sam's drooping eyes popped open at the sound and she looked up at him.
"Josh?" She reached out the hand that wasn't cupping his against her face and she placed it on his shoulder.
"Josh, it's okay! Hey... I'm not upset or anything..."
He felt his face begin to distort and he slapped his free hand over his mouth, ignoring the pointed ends of the teeth that poked at his palm. His breath began to shudder and snag.
"Don't you dare fucking cry right now. Don't do it!"
Clearly sensing what was happening, Sam moved his hand away from her cheek and she leapt forward, forcing her hands between his body and the wall and pressing her face into his shoulder.
"Not again! No!" he thought. He was about to struggle again, but he felt just too weak to move. Which must have meant he'd be too weak to hurt her. He wouldn't.
So he crumbled into her embrace, gasping and choking into the fabric of her sleeve. He could feel her entire body quavering against his and he gripped her as tight as he could; as if he'd somehow be able to hold her still enough that she wouldn't be afraid anymore.
"I'm so fucking scared, Sam. My God..."
"You're going to be okay," she whispered into his shoulder before adding a quieter: "Please... I need you to be. I can't do this without you. I thought I could. I thought I could hate you... after all that..."
He cringed and loosened his grip on her just a little.
"But I can't..." she added, her voice going shrill. "I can be angry. But I can't give up on you. I wont. I-...You've been too important to me. But now I just need you to be okay for me. Please!"
Her voice was desperate. She was tripping over her words. But it was enough to leave him sitting there, holding her and staring out into the darkness with crying eyes and a jaw opened in a silent sob. He thought over what she'd just said and a sharp, stinging feeling shot through his chest. He pushed his face against her once more and he slid his hand up her back, pressing a single fingertip against her shoulderblade.
I...L-O-V-E...Y-O-U.
She tensed in his arms and she drew in a sharp, uneven breath before letting it go in a soft, warm sigh.
"I love you too," she croaked into his ear, her arms wrapping even tighter around him. Her body relaxed and she slumped against his chest, her voice now only leaving her lips as a tired whisper.
"I love you... I love you... I love you..."