I was never lucky in love, or commitment for that matter. I never thought I could have one of those fairy-tale love lives, where I would
meet Prince Charming and he would sweep me off my feet. And I didn't have that kind of love-life for that matter, but for the longest time I thought I
did. When we first kissed, I felt these surges of electricity, from my lips to the tips of my toes. I thought, this is it, this is the one I'm meant to be
with for the rest of my life. But when he professed his love to me, what startled me the most, and him too, was that I didn't return his love. I knew I
did, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. So from there, we broke up. I was heartbroken, but then nearly two months later, we were back together.
And happy to be together. But I must say, I always felt our relationship to be a bit monotonous. Tedious. Boring. Any other world with that related
meaning is exactly how I felt.
I stayed with him because it was predictable. He was predictable. He was always a bit jealous. Not a bit, but more along the lines of
so jealous he would kill any guy who got within five feet of me. It was easier to stay together than to break up. That's what I thought. Until he
came along. He was so different. He was like a breath of fresh air into our small town. It was just what we needed. A hoodlum. To tell you the
truth I didn't think very much of him when he came. But at the end of the week, my thoughts had changed. He was a reader. Very un-Deanlike.
He reads. He may not have been well brought up, but we shared something in common. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but he wasn't just
a reader. He was a reader. He stole my book and wrote notes in it. Notes. Who writes notes in books? Other than me I mean. It was just so
refreshing to have someone to talk to on such an intellectual level, once again very un-Deanlike.
I don't know what to do. Should I break up with Dean to try something totally new? Or should I stick with boring, shoot me now,
predictable Dean? It's not like he's a bad guy. He's great really, but he and I don't have very much in common other than enjoying kissing. He
talks motorcycles, I talk books. We don't really connect on a deeper level. Maybe I'm reading too much into everything. I think mom's starting to
rub off on me. I can't...commit. Maybe I don't want to commit. Maybe Dean isn't the person I'm supposed to commit to. Maybe I should shut up.
I'm babbling. I'm going to stop, and think this all out rationally. Ok, ok.. how about a pros and cons list? Good? Yes, very good idea. Now my
newest question to arise. When did I become such a great conversationalist with myself? Ok, ok, back on track.
...
...
...
Who ever said thinking rationally was the right way to see things? Maybe I should follow my heart. Did I just say that? Now I'm definitely
turning into mom. With all of her cliche movie lines. Oh no...not good. Maybe I should just...not think about it. Ohmigoodness. What if he isn't
even interested? I'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not I should break up with Dean and I don't even know if he wants to go out with me.
Or likeme for that matter. Why do I want to go out with him? I'm not the type who enjoys making out with random people and going out with anyone
of my heart's desire. Very unlike me. Oh my god. What the hell is happening to me? This is very NOT me. NOT me. I don't get it. It's not like
we've kissed. it's not like we've ever really talked. I think we're only friends. Aren't we?
When did everything get so confusing? I think...I think I'm just going to let it all play out. Yes, thats very smart. See how things turn out
and THEN make a decision. Yes, yes, of course, what an easy decision.
*Next Day*
"Rory."
I turned around swiftly. Knowing exactly who that voice belonged to.
"Hey."
"What are you doing here? Where's your boyfriend?"
"You know I have a life. We don't spend every waking moment together, as some seem to believe."
"Interesting. Did you know he treats you like property? Like glass? Like you're going to break? Don't you guys do anything fun?"
"Dean doesn't treat me like property. We're just very comfortable with each other. And how do you know all this. And OF COURSE we have fun."
I think I was saying all of that to convince myself instead of Jess. Sometimes the cute ones can be so annoying.
"Well, whatever you say. I'll see you around."
And he left. Just like that. I need cooler exits. UGH! He is so aggravating. He gets on my nerves...but not in a bad way. Oh no. Here we go again.
My whole conversation with myself. Didn't mom say that when you have conversations with yourself over boys that its a sign? What does mom
know anyway? I think...I'm going to shut up now.
meet Prince Charming and he would sweep me off my feet. And I didn't have that kind of love-life for that matter, but for the longest time I thought I
did. When we first kissed, I felt these surges of electricity, from my lips to the tips of my toes. I thought, this is it, this is the one I'm meant to be
with for the rest of my life. But when he professed his love to me, what startled me the most, and him too, was that I didn't return his love. I knew I
did, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. So from there, we broke up. I was heartbroken, but then nearly two months later, we were back together.
And happy to be together. But I must say, I always felt our relationship to be a bit monotonous. Tedious. Boring. Any other world with that related
meaning is exactly how I felt.
I stayed with him because it was predictable. He was predictable. He was always a bit jealous. Not a bit, but more along the lines of
so jealous he would kill any guy who got within five feet of me. It was easier to stay together than to break up. That's what I thought. Until he
came along. He was so different. He was like a breath of fresh air into our small town. It was just what we needed. A hoodlum. To tell you the
truth I didn't think very much of him when he came. But at the end of the week, my thoughts had changed. He was a reader. Very un-Deanlike.
He reads. He may not have been well brought up, but we shared something in common. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but he wasn't just
a reader. He was a reader. He stole my book and wrote notes in it. Notes. Who writes notes in books? Other than me I mean. It was just so
refreshing to have someone to talk to on such an intellectual level, once again very un-Deanlike.
I don't know what to do. Should I break up with Dean to try something totally new? Or should I stick with boring, shoot me now,
predictable Dean? It's not like he's a bad guy. He's great really, but he and I don't have very much in common other than enjoying kissing. He
talks motorcycles, I talk books. We don't really connect on a deeper level. Maybe I'm reading too much into everything. I think mom's starting to
rub off on me. I can't...commit. Maybe I don't want to commit. Maybe Dean isn't the person I'm supposed to commit to. Maybe I should shut up.
I'm babbling. I'm going to stop, and think this all out rationally. Ok, ok.. how about a pros and cons list? Good? Yes, very good idea. Now my
newest question to arise. When did I become such a great conversationalist with myself? Ok, ok, back on track.
...
...
...
Who ever said thinking rationally was the right way to see things? Maybe I should follow my heart. Did I just say that? Now I'm definitely
turning into mom. With all of her cliche movie lines. Oh no...not good. Maybe I should just...not think about it. Ohmigoodness. What if he isn't
even interested? I'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not I should break up with Dean and I don't even know if he wants to go out with me.
Or likeme for that matter. Why do I want to go out with him? I'm not the type who enjoys making out with random people and going out with anyone
of my heart's desire. Very unlike me. Oh my god. What the hell is happening to me? This is very NOT me. NOT me. I don't get it. It's not like
we've kissed. it's not like we've ever really talked. I think we're only friends. Aren't we?
When did everything get so confusing? I think...I think I'm just going to let it all play out. Yes, thats very smart. See how things turn out
and THEN make a decision. Yes, yes, of course, what an easy decision.
*Next Day*
"Rory."
I turned around swiftly. Knowing exactly who that voice belonged to.
"Hey."
"What are you doing here? Where's your boyfriend?"
"You know I have a life. We don't spend every waking moment together, as some seem to believe."
"Interesting. Did you know he treats you like property? Like glass? Like you're going to break? Don't you guys do anything fun?"
"Dean doesn't treat me like property. We're just very comfortable with each other. And how do you know all this. And OF COURSE we have fun."
I think I was saying all of that to convince myself instead of Jess. Sometimes the cute ones can be so annoying.
"Well, whatever you say. I'll see you around."
And he left. Just like that. I need cooler exits. UGH! He is so aggravating. He gets on my nerves...but not in a bad way. Oh no. Here we go again.
My whole conversation with myself. Didn't mom say that when you have conversations with yourself over boys that its a sign? What does mom
know anyway? I think...I'm going to shut up now.