A/N:This was a fic I wrote for the hprarefest 2015. :)
Title:And so we live, for the future
Rating:M
Summary: Some call it madness, others betrayal, but for Remus this must be true love, or else why does he yearn so much for a man who is supposed to be his enemy?Post-Hogwarts, first war era
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Evan Rosier .
Same place.
Some days Remus feels like a traitor.
Today happens to be one of them.
Today isn't different from any other rainy day in London. He tugs on the hood of his threadbare cloak with a grimace; he is running late. Evading his friends' offers for drinks has become much harder recently; he wonders if they have begun to have their doubts about him as he clutches on to a slip of paper with two words on it in a dingy alleyway. Three seconds later he disappears from the spot and the only witness is a cat scouring for lunch in a dustbin.
He lands on a spot behind a hut that is almost falling down, surrounded by fencing that is just as unmaintained. With four sharp knocks like a signal, the door opens and a wand that has become familiar to him in the last four months is at his throat. He licks his lips as he looks straight at the man with a jaw too sharp that it should not have appealed to him and yet it did, as did the rest of him.
"Do you think I would spare anybody in this God-forsaken war?" the man asks him almost lazily but Remus knows that if his hand even moves an inch towards his wand, he will be lying dead in a second. The obvious answer would have been 'Purebloods'.
"Tolkien," Remus answers instead while maintaining a straight face, "If he was alive, of course."
"Among others," he answers, and he disappears inside to allow Remus to enter the hut that is not actually as run-down as it looks on the outside.
"Remus," Rosier says as soon as the door closes and Remus is pulled into a breathless kiss.
"Evan," Remus gasps, and he thinks he will continue to be surprised by the smile breaking across Evan's face. How is it that he brings out an expression like that on a Death Eater's face?
"You are late," Evan tells him, smile dimming slightly, and Remus sighs as he snakes his arms around the tall man's shoulders.
"Sirius and James—" Remus began but Evan's face warps for a moment and Remus pulls away. "They're my friends," he says quietly. Evan looks like he is holding back all the derogatory words from slipping out with great difficulty.
"Alright," Evan replies with a smile and Remus accepts the truce because there is only so much time they spend together. Remus allows himself to be pushed against the wall as Evan manages to thoroughly snog him. He does not understand their relationship most of the time, even now and he may not be able to make it out of this war alive, but at least he will have known himself a little better.
OOooOO
There are certain minor instances in one's life, which when looked back upon makes one realise just how different a person they are today because of that one instance. For Remus, one of these is a decision made in four seconds, an act of what some might call kindness while others would call it betrayal.
He knows it is madness.
Remus isn't a battle-hardened veteran yet; he is eighteen and has managed to make it through six Death Eater attacks without forming the words Avada Kedavra no matter how much he may be tempted to. It is really a lucky coincidence that the Order members had come in a group to celebrate Sirius's birthday at Hogsmeade. There is no predictable pattern to the Death Eaters' raids but they manage to hold their own against the masked assailants until backup arrives.
Until Remus rushes to help the spread-eagled figure from under the debris of burnt branches that is really all the Death Eaters' handiwork. It must be some kind of a cruel joke because the man's face underneath Remus's fingertips is a familiar one-Dolohov? Rookwood? - and he manages to smirk up at Remus even with a splinched arm and broken mask shrouding part of his face.
He should leave; in fact, he will leave the Death Eater just as he is. It will serve him right.
"Lupin," the man says with a steely glint in his eye despite his mangled arm and Remus's blood runs cold. It's a silent threat. That translates to 'I know you. I will find you. I can destroy you.' He can find his parents. Remus tightens his hand around his wand.
"You won't leave me here like this. You may be a werewolf, but you're nothing like Greyback," the Death Eater says, a challenge in his eyes even as darkness bleeds from his right arm onto the street. Remus is shocked, a little in awe of this attitude from a Slytherin.
One.
He wishes it was Sirius who had found the man, he would have done things right.
Two.
It's clearly a challenge he will lose even if he hates losing, despite all the times life has pushed him two steps back.
Three.
He clenches his jaw and pulls the man up carefully; he can't believe he is doing this. Can't believe that he is even thinking about saving this man's life.
Four.
The Death Eater grabs his arm and pushes himself against Remus's body as much as he can, not taking any chances this time. Remus Apparates with the vise-like grip on his arm.
Remus goes into auto pilot as they land and he sees the Death Eater's ashen face. He should not be trying so hard, he realises as he is applying dittany from a bottle that he has gotten used to keeping on him since Fourth Year. He should not be sighing in relief as the man's breathing evens and his cheeks take on colour as Remus bandages him up. A part of him, the violent side of him that he compartmentalizes as the wolf is telling him to end this man's life. Surely, it is for the greater good. One less Death Eater.
But old habits die hard and Remus has always tried to act upon his good side and that same imaginary angel is patting him on the back for a job well done. He positions the man on the floor and stands up; he is leaving.
He should wait around for just a few minutes, in case the Death Eater tries anything.
"Where are we?" the man finally asks in a rough voice and coughs with great effort. Remus pockets his wand and takes a cautious step towards the figure.
"The Shrieking Shack," he replies and smiles a little when he sees the looks of fear, confusion and nervousness flit across the Death Eater's face. "I'll get going. There's a tunnel if you go down the trap door over there—" he points to the door, "—it leads to the Hogwarts grounds so you might want to be careful." He checks his pockets and then makes his way to the aforementioned door.
"Wait!" the man manages to sound scared yet haughty; just your average Slytherin Pureblood really. "They say there are things in this place." Remus looks at him and had he been in a playful mood, he might have toyed with the man just a little, but right now he just wants to check up on his friends and go home.
"There's nothing here. In a way, you could say that I was the one haunting the shack."
"Don't joke with me, you filthy—"
"Half-blood. Half-breed. Traitor?" Remus raises a brow at the man struggling to sit up. "Moving on, it used to be me. I used to transform here during the full moons." He waits for realisation dawn on the man's face but it doesn't come as expected. Instead, he looks up at Remus.
"Greyback has already told us about you. I suppose I should count myself lucky I didn't get turned into one of you."
"Whatever," Remus says tiredly; he is used to so much more than this. He really wants to go home.
"Lupin!" the man calls out and Remus grits his teeth; he is beginning to think he should never have saved the damn Death Eater.
"What?" he snaps and turns to see the man finally sitting up, looking disheveled as some of his long hair falls out of the carefully tied ponytail.
"Thank you," the man says softly as he looks straight at Remus, somehow managing to look polished as he pushes his hair back. "I could have become incapacitated if not for you."
Remus stops himself before his eyebrows rise up and out of his face. "Sure. Just don't expect it again," he says lamely but the Death Eater continues looking at him in a way that makes him uncomfortable. He looks away towards the window. "Could you come here for a bit?" Remus's gaze snaps to the man. "I haven't got my wand, remember?" They must have left it at the scene of the riot.
Remus finds himself obeying the man and moving towards him. "I can't do anything more for your arm," he says as he squats down beside the man. "I'm not a Healer—er—"
"Rosier," the man replies immediately and Remus's brain starts working and he wonders how he had glossed over the Slytherin during his Hogwarts years. "Evan Rosier. It's alright; that's not what I wanted. I want to thank you."
"Right, it's alright." This is really awkward, Remus thinks and it gets even stranger when he feels Rosier's hand against his chest as he pulls Remus forward by the front of his shirt.
"Thank you for saving my life," Rosier whispers and Remus finds his eyes deceiving him because just for a second, Evan Rosier looks so beautiful that it almost hurts his eyes. His eyes widen when Rosier kisses him, and he doesn't realise how many minutes pass before he actually realises that the Death Eater is kissing him.
A man is kissing him.
He inhales sharply and Rosier must have sensed that he is about to pull away because he cups the back of Remus's head and deepens the kiss, and Remus finds himself closing his eyes and giving in to the mind-numbing pleasure. He pushes his tongue against the seam of Rosier's lips without thought, holding onto a man who is his sworn enemy; a man who is certifying every single doubt he has had about himself. No girl has ever been able to unravel him with a kiss. No girl has certainly ever made him this hard with a kiss.
He pulls away, fast as lightning as his thoughts start to stray to where they should not go. He pants as if he has run a mile and touches his lips with shaking hands.
"I take it that's your first with a man." Remus looks at Rosier who now looks subdued and closed-off, but Remus doesn't have the will to care. He pushes himself up on shaking hands, cock aching and mind a complete mess as he disapparates.
He ends up at the place where he had picked up Rosier and is almost immediately pushed down on to the hard ground as Sirius lunges at him, babbling about how they had been worried and just what the hell did Remus think he was doing scaring them?
Remus manages to dodge and answer their questions somehow, his head feeling as if someone had dunked him under water. He welcomes his springy bed as he throws himself face-down on it, barely toeing off his shoes.
OOooOO
A fortnight passes without any large incidences, thankfully, and while Sirius doesn't complain outwardly, Remus can see his friend's hands itching for a fight. Remus himself is restless for a whole other reason, a reason attributed wholly to a Death Eater whose thoughts made Remus delve into fantasies of rough kisses, tangling limbs and rubbing his own hard cock against another. It makes him feel dirty afterwards with his release on his hands.
It also makes him feel good to finally know exactly what he wants.
On Sunday he visits Diagon Alley in pretense of buying some books from Flourish and Blotts while he patrols the marketplace. He picks up a few books and skims through them and though he has the strongest urge to cart away the entire series of 'Kingdom of Odin' , he simply puts them down and exits the shop; there aren't enough Galleons to afford a first class edition of a fictional book.
It happens too fast as he is still mulling over the details of the book when someone stumbles against him and a wand is jabbed at the small of his back. Shit!
"Shouldn't an Order member like yourself be more aware of your surroundings?" a voice that has become familiar far too fast whispers in his ear and Remus turns his head to find Rosier's face under a hood.
"Let me go, Rosier," Remus says politely even as his body refuses to listen to him and his blood is practically singing as the man's warm body is pressing at his side.
"I will, if you ask nicely," Rosier replies in a tone that no Death Eater should have.
Remus sighs. "Let me go, you bloody Death Eater," he hisses and thinks of how to disarm Rosier and then adds, "Please." He hears a huff and the wand being removed, and he immediately whirls around to land an attack on the man, but Rosier steps away calmly and pushes his hood back to reveal his, handsome aristocratic face.
"There's no need to be so violent, Lupin. I was only here on business." In the daylight, Remus can see that the man's hair is not black; it is more of a burgundy which is really quite unusual for most Purebloods. He doesn't realise he is staring until Rosier nudges his arm and points towards Knockturn Alley. "I've been meaning to talk to you."
"I'm not going to be a part of your murderous group," Remus tells him straight and is satisfied to see the look of surprise followed by anger.
"It's not a group." Rosier takes a long breath as if to control his emotions and touches Remus's arm. "That isn't what I want to talk about."
Remus cocks an eyebrow at that. "Is that right? You're telling me that you went through the trouble of running into me, in broad daylight too, just so you could talk to me about the weather?"
"Yes," is Rosier's simple answer and it stuns Remus to the point that he finds himself falling into step with the man as he begins walking towards Knockturn Alley.
"This is a bad idea," Remus says but keeps walking all the same.
Rosier's lips twitch at that. "I'm aware of that. But good boys hardly have fun, Lupin; I would have thought you would understand that." And Remus has no choice but to follow the man who is barely older than him, a Slytherin who has also somehow managed to make him doubt his own perceptions about Slytherins in general.
That very same day, Remus gets kissed by Evan Rosier again, but this time he gives it his all and after they have gotten each other off, Remus dazedly agrees to an arrangement he has never thought he would get into.
OOooOO
Rosier sure likes his games, Remus notes on a Sunday morning as soon as he receives his copy of the Daily Prophet, and he drops it in shock when he sees the words and alphabets circled in red randomly. When he does calm his heart rate down, he sits down to read the message and is surprised at what he decodes.
You hold the key to my heart, a cracked heart of fragments eight.
He tries to read the paper, but the words seem to come at him out of the page and he gives up. There is still the burning question of how Rosier knows about him. And has he been watching Remus? His house? The mind-boggling questions about his very own actions are things he wishes he could discuss with someone, anyone, but he cannot.
He doesn't want his friends to doubt him. It might happen in the near future, but he won't be the one instigating that line of thought just because he has no control over his thoughts and everything goes on in a loop in his head.
Shrugging on a cloak, he scans the words and cannot help a small smile from forming at the Death Eater's poetic touch; the paper is a portkey set to take him to the destination at precisely thirty-four minutes from now. He clutches the rolled paper tightly in his hand, channeling his anger and frustration into the grip, wishing he could do something about the confused state of his own affairs.
He is doing this for his friends; he really is. It works for the time being; it lets him justify his actions to himself and he doesn't feel so dirty.
Losing his thirst for sex with girls after the first two encounters had not caused Remus to feel as if anything was out of place even as every other Fifth Year boy had magazines hidden underneath their bed and be speaking of their conquests in lewd terms. What had been the start of a ground-breaking discovery was finding himself thinking about Amos Diggory's profile and his intense stares during Defense classes, and feeling uncharacteristically embarrassed later on when Sirius had asked 'which lucky bird is the cause of that face, Moony?'.
"What in the world are you getting dressed for?" Rosier asks Remus, startling him and he pauses in buttoning up his shirt.
"Aren't we done already?" Remus asks and turns to Rosier only once he has finished zipping up and hidden his scarred form away from prying eyes.
Rosier raises a brow. "You make it sound like a chore, Lupin."
It is when he is with people like Rosier that he is forced to feel self- conscious of his flaws.
"What kind of friends must one have had to be so insecure?" Rosier comments in a tone that Remus thinks he is not supposed to have heard.
"I'm not insecure," he replies loudly enough to make anybody believe it, but strangely the Death Eater pins him with an intense look, as if he is seeing right through his words and just when Remus thinks he will make a scathing remark, he shrugs and sits up.
"Suit yourself, I'm not here to coddle you." Rosier pulls on his robe and Remus feels a strange sense of loss as their meeting comes to an end.
"Did you always know?" Remus asks Evan in a moment of heartfelt curiosity. "That you wanted to-" he doesn't quite know how to say it; words like 'gay' or 'homosexual' seem so insignificant to describe it.
"That I wanted to shag boys?" Evan asks with a smirk and Remus frowns at him.
"You're doing that again. I wish you wouldn't," he tells Evan seriously; it always feels like a breach of his privacy. Rosier doesn't do anything for a few seconds and then surprisingly, reaches out to smooth the frown lines on Remus's face.
"Alright," he complies softly before adding, "must you always be so ashamed of who you are?"
"I'm not ashamed," Remus replies hotly, but Rosier looks at him with something akin to sympathy.
"Aren't you? Aren't people always telling you what an abomination you are? Aren't you always looked down on the moment people find out the truth?"
"Ros-"
"Even when you've done nothing wrong, even when you try with all you've got to fulfill your responsibilities?"
Remus stares in utter surprise at the man in front of him before trying to put his thoughts into words. "Did something happen?" Remus waits but Rosier closes his eyes before opening them and all the anger is replaced by his usual laid-back expression. "Rosier."
"Evan," Rosier says softly, before laying back on the bed luxuriously.
"What?" Remus asks and receives the trademark smirk.
"Not Rosier; I think we're past the formalities, don't you?" Remus feels something strange and familiar then, like when your crush hands you a quill and your fingertips touch, and it's not the best thing in the world, but at the same time it is.
"In that case, I suppose it only makes sense for you to call me Remus," Remus tells him, somewhat shy, and he looks at Ros-Evan who crooks a finger at him in a come-hither motion.
Remus scoffs at it a little; he isn't a bloody dog.
"I don't want to talk about it," Evan finally replies before relaxing on the squeaky bed. "Girls bored me," he explains to Remus and the werewolf leaves his sock where it is and sits on the edge of the bed.
"There were others? At Hogwarts?" Remus asks and immediately wonders if Evan had found out their dirty secrets and just what he had done to ensnare those boys with his charms like he has done Remus.
"Of course!" Evan says and laughs a little. "For someone so smart, you sure can be dense." Remus makes a face at that and Evan rolls his eyes before he slowly moves his hand down his chest and rubs his nipples lightly, a motion that has Remus' gaze drawn towards the Death Eater's hand as it slowly descends white skin and into the thick curls surrounding his slender cock.
"Are you going to sit there all night long?" Evan asks teasingly and Remus gulps as desire takes over him and his mouth waters as Evan's cock shifts under his hand.
"No," he replies and begins to take off his clothes shakily when suddenly cool air hits his body and he looks down to find all of his scars and pale skin on display without a scrap of clothing on him. Before he can argue, Evan sits up and draws Remus against his body with a hunger in his eyes that should not be there, not with Remus's flawed appearance harsh in the candlelight.
"You are the only one feeling this way here," Evan says softly before pressing a soft kiss against his lips. "You must know that I wouldn't be here if I didn't like what I see." Remus feels himself being pushed on his back, surrounded by words that should not be coming out of a Death Eater's lips, his own lips being tugged by sharp, intense nips as if Evan truly does want him.
"I do want you; stop thinking so much." Remus hears the words, unable to believe them, but he gives in to the slippery heat and hardness around him. It consumes him and his thoughts stop as his only goal becomes being a part of whatever dance this is.
OOooOO
"No, do it the way I showed you the other day," Evan tells Remus and the latter hums around the cock in his mouth before flicking his tongue along his perineum as directed. The resulting groan works to boost Remus's ego and he dives into sucking off Evan as if his life depends on it.
"Fuck. Remus, your mouth was made for this," Evan manages breathlessly as he tangles his fingers in Remus's brown hair and those words should not feel so good, should not make Remus heat right up to his core. Evan's fingers pull at his hair and he lets Evan's cock slip out of his mouth as he looks up, confused.
"Do you want to try something else?" Evan asks him once he has his breath under control.
"Like what exactly?" Remus asks, surveying Evan's sudden look of hesitation. He watches Evan's tongue run over his upper lip before tugging on Remus's belt.
"I've been meaning to ask this, but I don't suppose you're a virgin." Remus snorts at that earning a small frown from Evan. "Is it so shameful to be one?"
"No. Of course not," Remus replies after a few seconds of thinking, "but why in the world—"
"Because I want to take you," Evan interrupts in a rushed whisper and Remus feels his breath leave him. He what…?
"You want to—to have sex?" Remus cannot help the stutter; at least he hadn't squeaked.
"Don't you?" Evan challenges with a hard look that Remus had come to understand as a defense mechanism. Remus tries to calm himself down and think. Does he want it? Does he want another man's cock inside him, deep enough in him that their bodies would practically become one? His body certainly likes the idea and he has to close his eyes at the images his mind produces. It's too much and too hot.
He also really wants it.
"Yes." One word and for the first time Remus sees Evan let out a desperate, needy sound before tackling Remus against the bed and crashing their mouths together painfully so that Remus tastes blood on his tongue and greedily laps it up. He shudders as Evan's hands fumble with his clothes while breathing harshly against his mouth and Remus takes things into his hands for a change as he acts upon four years' worth of wants and fantasies.
That night is the first time Remus thinks he is ruined for women forever now because he will never go back to them, not after this, not after knowing the addictive feeling of having a man just as equal and strong as him holding him down, whispering 'Mine, you're mine.'
OOooOO
"Are you betrothed to somebody?" Evan asks Remus when they meet some time later.
"Thank Merlin, no!" Evan laughs at that before heaving a sigh.
"This is so much easier with a man, wouldn't you agree? No fussing about cuddling or pillow talk." Remus doesn't point out that what they are doing is pillow talk.
"I guess so," he replies easily and looks at Evan quizzically as the man smirks. "What?"
"If you were a woman, you'd be the kind that I'd have had to court and marry before we could have sex." Remus shakes his head at that; he wouldn't marry a blood-thirsty Death Eater he is inexplicably attracted to even if he were a woman. Suddenly Remus feels his body jostled by movement and he sees Evan sitting up, looking down at him, anger marring his features.
"No one is forcing you to be here, Remus," Evan hisses and clenches the bed sheets. "I'm not a bloody murderer just because I'm a Death Eater. I do what I have to for a better future." Something about his words niggle at Remus. A better future? Well, that is news to him and he sits up facing the man.
"Are we talking about a future where only people like you and your precious dark lord grace the face of the earth? A future where-"
"Where wizards do not have to hide, Remus. It's going to be a world where you don't have to be looked down on." How had he known...and suddenly things click into place.
"Legilimency," Remus whispers in shock," You've been seeing right into my head all this time."
"Not all the time," Evan says hurriedly but a surge of anger starts coursing in Remus's veins and has had enough.
"You-" Remus turns away from him, barely holding a growl in check as he picks up his clothes. "Of all the things to do."
"Remus," Evan calls softly, as if trying to calm a horse but Remus ignores him. "I've never killed anyone."
"But you will," Remus snaps, "You'll have to do it, kill people like me on the orders of Voldemort."
"Don't take his name so lightly," Evan snaps at Remus and somehow this shocks both of them and for the first time Remus truly realises that he has been sleeping with the enemy. All this time…what in the world has he been thinking? "I won't kill you," the Death Eater tells him and Remus shakes his head in frustration.
"So what, I'm an exception because we're fucking now? I'm a dead man the moment this ends between us?"
"What's wrong with being an exception?" Evan asks honestly and looks at Remus in an imploring manner. "Answer me this, why do we have to hide, Remus? Why do muggles get to burn us at stakes? Why can't we live out in the open? This world isn't just theirs, Remus." It's the first time Remus hears these words from a Death Eater and it resonates within him. Why do they hide from muggles? Why are they scared? He inhales sharply as he realises his own train of thought.
"You've tortured muggle-borns," Remus states quietly and Evan's silence is confirmation enough. "I can't be here right now."
"Remus," Evan calls out to the werewolf as he is leaving, "Will you think about it?" Remus barely turns his face towards the man as he is at the door.
"There's nothing to think about," he says in a voice he hopes sounds calm. "We're done, Evan; this was never going to work." And really, why hadn't he realised it before? Had the Death Eater been using him all this time? Using Legilimency to find out Order secrets? Merlin, what has he done?
"Remus, there's no need to be so hasty," Evan says in that annoyingly calm voice and it grates on Remus's nerves. "Just—"
"Goodbye, Evan," Remus says loudly and slams the door, not a bit apologetic as he Disapparates, still horrified by his own choices.
OOooOO
Evan makes the first move by sending a tiny clipping from the day's Daily Prophet. Remus stares at it after reading the article that should have made the front page, that should have people raging about it but the ten lines covering the story of the carnage at a werewolf camp in Ireland is probably only going to make people sigh in relief. Attached with it was a note with an elegant script.
'Is this the Ministry you really want to fight for?'
Two days later Remus receives an envelope which he drops upon opening. Inside it are horrific pictures that the labels say are from the World Wars I and II. He reads the inscription at the back of the envelope.
Are these the kind of people you're trying to save? What are you fighting for?
Remus finds his thoughts in a frenzy for all of two weeks leading up to Christmas.
On Christmas morning Remus receives a small pile of gifts and among them, a heavy package taped with a postcard reading 'Merry Christmas' and Evan's writing on the opposite side. He opens this package last with shaky hands.
What he finds inside has his heart skipping a beat; it is an original copy of 'Kingdom of Odin', the title shining in golden letters. He hugs the book to his chest in an attempt to hold in the surge of ache and need to see Evan.
OOooOO
"Christ rest ye merry gentlemen," Sirius sings drunkenly. It is the evening after Christmas and due to some kind of miracle nothing much has happened so far; no Death Eater raids or false alarms of any kind and Remus hopes it stays that way.
"It's 'God', you nutter. And since when is it gentlemen?" James asks him, just as drunk with colour high on his cheeks like the rest of the Order members. Sirius threatens to swing the now-empty bottle at James and Peter just moans before laying his head on the table, looking pleasantly tired. Remus doesn't remember the last time the four of them sat together like this and himself not absolutely dying to go visit his lover, although he does yearn for it a little.
He would have liked to see Evan get accepted by his friends in a different world.
"Muggle carols, Prongs. The amazing muggles." Sirius wags his index at James while saying this and then proceeds to tear off the label on the bottle. "Why does Voldemort insist on murdering them?"
"I don't know, mate. I don't." Surprisingly it is Peter who answers Sirius morosely and the four of them sit quietly in midst of the lulling conversation around them. Sirius breaks the pensive atmosphere that threatens to damper their evening by standing up suddenly and beginning to sing brokenly, in possibly the most drunken manner.
"Dear God! Black!" Marlene McKinnon covers her ears in the table beside them.
"I'm no ordinary God, McKinnon. They call me a sex-God." Sirius waggles his brows at her before whistling and throwing his hands up, shouting for everyone to 'jingle their bells'. Other patrons of the pub have similar reactions to Marlene or some just look at Sirius in amazement before returning to their own conversation.
"What does that even mean?" Peter asks and Remus shrugs good-naturedly. Honestly, Sirius is a dirty bugger.
"What does it matter?" James states before throwing an arm around Sirius and the two begin performing a strange jig that makes them actually seem joined at the hips.
"Okay, I think that's your cue to get them home, Lupin," Benjy Fenwick comes and shouts in Remus's ear before nuzzling his ear which is characteristic of him being an affectionate drunk. Remus pushes him away gently and sways a little on his way to get his friends home; apparently his friends aren't the only ones getting careless tonight. He makes sure James reaches his room and waves goodbye to Peter at his stop before tightly grabbing Sirius who is actually quite heavy despite his lean form.
"Moony, have a little fun." There is hardly any harm in it and Remus accepts the almost-empty bottle from Sirius as he downs the drink. Sirius claps his back hard enough that they topple over each other's legs and end up on the pavement with sore knees. They laugh and Remus thinks he might have giggled a little as they sit on the footpath as if they own it.
"Who's your girlfriend, Moony?" Sirius asks suddenly and Remus blinks so as to focus on Sirius.
"What girlfriend?" he asks carefully. Could he have let something slip at the pub? But then Sirius motions to his throat.
"You've had that hickey for a while now." Remus slaps a hand at the side of his throat and his face burns as he feels it. Sirius sniggers at him. "Kind of hard to miss, a thing the size of London. She must be good." Remus tries to swat at his head and misses.
"Shut up," Remus says quietly but it isn't just because he is embarrassed; he doesn't want to think about Evan any more than he has to. Sirius peers at him curiously before shrugging.
"Whatever, mate. I'm just glad those bastards didn't do anything today, y'know? Bloody effing butchers, those Death Eaters, wouldn't you say?" Remus keeps his mouth shut but Sirius keeps on rambling. "I mean, they force little boys, y'know? Like Reg? They probably used something on him." He hiccups. "And you hear that-that thing Shacklebolt was saying? They got werewolves on their side, not ones like you, the bad kind—"
"Sirius," Remus says resignedly as he takes a swig from the bottle that is somehow still unfinished. "Let's talk about tomorrow's plans." But Sirius doesn't seem to have heard him and jerks the bottle from Remus's hand.
"Shaddap, Moony. You're the one hiding a woman from us. Why're you hiding her? Is she a vamp? A mermaid? An Acromantula?" Remus lets out a laugh at that.
"I'm not hiding any woman, Sirius. Trust me."
"Too many secrets, Moony. I hate secrets," Sirius tells him petulantly before looking away distantly. "I don't understand the deal with all the fuss. Why does Voldemort have to kill those innocent muggles? Why not just leave them be and go on with life? And why do those Slytherins go along with that crazy bastard's ideas?" Remus doesn't know what possesses him then and in all honesty, drinking with Sirius had obviously been a bad idea.
"Maybe they don't want to just go on with life anymore. Maybe they want to be free," Remus finds himself saying and Sirius's sudden silence is like a death sentence. "I don't know, Padfoot. Maybe they want to walk freely? This world doesn't belong to the muggles alone. Why can't they just accept us?" He pulls his knees up towards his chest and hugs them as he feels Sirius's gaze boring in to him. His tongue has tied itself as he realises what he has just told his best friend.
"You need to sleep off the alcohol, you daft wolf," Sirius says and gently bumps the side of his head but his expression is troubled and looking at him, Remus understands that he has just made the biggest mistake of his life.
OOooOO
Somehow, time had started flying at the end of November and Remus finds himself wishing he could just hold on to the moments, pause the time because the days are moving too fast and the war is getting bloodier these days. Evan sends him an animated poster of 'the Black Swan' the week after Christmas and Remus hurries to put on his heaviest cloak as he Apparates near an ice cream parlour that has been closed since before three weeks. He tightens his cloak around himself as he looks at the posters plastered on the wall of the theatre opposite to where he is standing. They are showing a musical production of 'the Black Swan'.
"I almost thought you wouldn't show up," Evan's voice comes from behind Remus and he turns around to face the man. He hasn't changed of course, but there are hints of tiredness and an expression of longing that has Remus stepping forward and embracing the man in the chilly evening. He pulls back and closes his eyes before opening them and gazing at Evan with a burning intensity.
He doesn't believe in Voldemort's cause, he doesn't want to hurt muggles, he doesn't want to join the Death Eaters and he will turn in or kill any Death Eater that tries to do the same to him or his friends. But he knows he wants Evan, he knows he wants freedom and since he has already signed away any hopes of lasting friendship, he might just as well go for it.
He desperately needs Evan Rosier.
"Look at me," he whispers fiercely to Evan who looks surprised. "Look at me this one time and never again." Evan clutches his fingers and nods as he uses his Legilimency one last time on him. Remus continues looking at Evan even as the Death Eater closes his eyes after and then opens them.
"I can live with that," Evan says honestly and then adds, "I can teach you how to stop it, stop others from seeing inside your head."
"Occlumency?" Remus asks and Evan nods. To Remus, that in itself almost sounds like love.
"Yes," Remus answers with the largest smile he has ever graced Evan with. "I'd like that."
"I'm glad this doesn't have to end," Evan tells him and has the grace to blush slightly. Remus doesn't tell him that they won't live forever, that this war will probably tear them apart before they can say Alohomora, that a time might come when they have to face each other on the battlefield. Instead, he pushes on to his toes and kisses Evan.
For the first time in a long time Remus dreams; this is a promise of better days yet to come.
The end