A/N: Hi! Okay, this i just a crackfic that I got inspired to write by one of my reviewers, so thanks to that person! (you know who you are) and also thanks to Revengent because she's awesome and because she read some of this over for me before I posted it. Just a quick warning, most of my stories are rated T to be safe, this one is most definitely T. And there is Foreman bashing at the beginning, and then...well you'll see. OH and if anyone can identify the name of the video game I stole Chase's superpower from, then you win a plate of cookies, yay!
It was a completely normal day at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital as Dr. Taub flew into the differential room. Like literally flew. As in, feet not touching the ground, lab coat like a cape flying out behind him, flew. Like I said, completely normal day.
Meanwhile, Thirteen and Kutner were sitting at the differential table in a full on lip lock. Taub coughed and they broke apart, looking over at him. No one said anything for a minute, then Thirteen frowned,
"You need something?"
Taub shook his head and, without any explanation, went over to the coffee maker. Kutner shrugged and went back to making out with Thirteen. Just then Foreman came in. The couple sighed and pulled away from each other.
"Way to kill the mood Foreman." Kutner griped, but Foreman ignored him.
"Guys I need to know, do you all have superpowers?"
Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen stared at him like he was crazy. Foreman continued,
"I was just watching a surgery that Chase was doing, and I saw him draw a star in the air, then something weird happened, one second there were three tumors in the patient, the next he had cut them all out. I checked the clock and no time had passed. It was like magic! After the surgery he said it was just his superpower, he said everyone has them."
Taub chuckled in disbelief, "Well, duh."
Foreman frowned, "What are your superpowers?"
"I can fly." Taub said.
"I control energy," Kutner supplied, holding up his open hand. An energy ball appeared in his palm, and Thirteen smirked,
"Makes the sex WAY more interesting."
Foreman frowned, because he didn't like to imagine Thirteen with anyone else, but he finally managed to ask, "And you?"
Thirteen laughed, holding her hand straight and blowing on her fingertips, which immediately ignited. Now it was Kutner's turn to smirk,
"Now that makes the sex more interesting."
Taub shook his head at the young couple's antics as Foreman asked,
"What about everyone else?"
"Cuddy can enlarge her breasts at will." Taub said, and Thirteen had to mumble,
"Which makes a certain part of House enlarge as well."
Kutner smirked, "Yeah, but House's real power is shooting lasers out of his eyes."
" Wilson 's is his hypnotizing good looks." Taub added, sitting down at the table with his coffee.
"What about Cameron's?"
The three newest fellows exchanged a look of shock,
"You mean…you don't know?" Thirteen asked finally. Foreman shook his head and she let out a long, low whistle.
"Damn, you really are the loner around here. Everyone knows Cameron is a succubus."
Foreman didn't looked shocked by this one, "Oh, I guess that explains why Chase is the way he is."
"Yup."
Just then, House burst through the door dramatically, having just come from screwing Cuddy in her office. Kutner looked at his watch,
"Wow, that was 10 minutes longer than usual. You finally start with those little blue pills?"
House shook his head, "Cuddy was late, she had to take care of the kid before she came."
"Oh, I forgot she had a kid." Thirteen admitted,
"Yeah, she did too. That was part of the problem." House said, taking an entire pill bottle full of vicodin. Then he tossed the bottle into the air and bore a hole in it with the lasers coming out of his eyes. No one even blinked. This happened regularly.
"Do we have a case?" Taub asked boredly. House shook his head,
"No, we have to find something exciting to do on our own."
At that exact moment Thirteen sneezed, and when she went to cover her mouth, accidentally blew on the little flames at the end of her fingertips. They magically turned into flame thrower like flames and lit the carpet on fire. Foreman looked worried, the other three just stared for a moment,
"What are you waiting for, put it out!" Foreman cried, motioning towards the fire extinguisher behind Taub. None of the others moved,
"Well, lighting the hospital on fire is exciting." Kutner said with a shrug. House nodded, downing another bottle of vicodin before waving for the others to follow him.
"C'mon gang." He said, leading the others into the hallway. Foreman stayed in the room, in shock, and they shut the door on him. After, they stood across the hall, watching the differential room go up in flames.
"I think when we get a new differential room, we should get more comfortable chairs." Kutner suggested, and Thirteen nodded in agreement.
Just then, Chase, Cameron, Cuddy, and Wilson appeared, as if out of nowhere. Chase and Cameron were holding hands to show to the entire hospital that they were indeed completely and totally 100% in love. Cuddy looked like she wanted to jump House. Wilson was too busy being hot to have any certain look about him, obviously. They joined House and his team in standing across the hall.
"House, did you light the differential room on fire?" Cuddy asked indifferently.
"No, it was fire hands over there," he said gesturing to Thirteen, who blushed.
"Sorry."
"Oh, no it's fine," Cuddy assured, watching the blaze, "I was thinking of getting new chairs for in there anyways, and now I can justify it in the budget!"
Kutner and Thirteen grinned, sharing a high five. The group of eight stood and watched the blaze as it spread from House's office.
"Do you think that maybe we should move?" Wilson asked finally, when he couldn't see through the thick black smoke.
"Yeah," Taub agreed. The others also thought it was a good idea, except for Chase and Cameron who had yet to give a response, finally Chase asked,
"Can it wait a minute?" he seemed slightly out of breath,
"…why are you breathing so hard?" Wilson asked suspiciously, trying to see through the smog. There was a long silence.
"Uhhh…" Chase trailed off, confirming everyone's suspicions.
"Okay, we're going to the cafeteria, you two come down when you're done." Cuddy said.
The six in the group who weren't hooking up at that point began their trek through the smoke filled hospital, making their way towards the cafeteria, but stopped when they reached the elevator, staring at a plaque on the wall next to it,
"In Case of Emergency, Use Stairs." Wilson read aloud, frowning and wondering how he was able to read through the smoke. Everyone turned to look at House who crossed his arms defiantly,
"Well, I'm not taking the stairs."
"We could push you down them." Taub mumbled under his breath, but no one heard him, because they were too distracted by Chase and Cameron's sudden re-appearance. They had switched Scrubs so that Chase was now wearing Cameron's pink scrubs and Cameron was wearing his green ones.
"That was quick." Kutner commented, raising his eyebrow suspiciously. Cameron shrugged,
"He's not as fun when he's got all his testosterone drained."
There was an awkward moment of slence, then Wilson began to hack up a lung and they all turned their attention back to the problem at hand.
"If House won't go down the stairs, there's nothing we can do." Thirteen said with a sigh. The others nodded in agreement. Just then, Kutner leaned against a door, and it pushed open, revealing a smoke free room.
"Hey, everybody in here!" He shouted, stepping into the room. Everyone else followed, House entering last and shutting the door behind them. That's when they realized that it was a supply closet...a very small supply closet.
"Heh, sorry guys." Kutner said, rubbing the back of his neck and blushing. Everyone else was staring at him and glaring, except for Thirteen who was staring at him lustily. House rolled his eyes,
"I'd rather take the stairs than stay here." He grumbled, reaching for the doorknob, but it broke off in his hand. Cuddy gasped,
"We're stuck!" she exclaimed, and there was a second, collective gasp from everyone else.
"Do you mean to say that we're stranded in here?" Chase asked, his voice sounding oddly feminine. The others looked fearful. After a dramatic pause, House nodded,
"Yes, we're stranded."
There was suddenly much whispering going on between the couples, plus Taub and Wilson. Then, Taub spoke up,
"I know what to do!"
Everyone turned to him expectantly as he stepped up on a cardboard box to address them. Unfortunately, the box couldn't support his weight and he fell through. He gumbled, stepping out of the box and levitating a few feet above the ground. Thirteen wondered why he hadn't just done that to begin with. No one else did.
"We should have a party!" Taub announced, and there was a general sense of agreement throughout the closet. In many of the boxes they found party supplies, and a bra Cameron had lost there a few years ago. After a few minutes, the eight of them sat in a circle on the ground, party hats strapped on their heads and paper party horns in their mouths. One paper horn sat in the middle of the circle, waiting to be spun.
"Cameron, your turn." Cuddy said, gesturing to the party horn. They were playing Truth or Dare. Cameron reached out, flicking the party horn and watching it rotate, finally ending pointing at herself.
"Should I spin again?" she asked. House shook his head,
"No, just go along with it."
Cameron shrugged, "Okay me, Truth or Dare?" she stopped, contemplating, "Truth." another pause, "Are you still in love with House?" Now Cameron looked offended, "What!? No, of course not, that's ridiculous. Why did you even ask that, God!" she hit Taub on the arm and he frowned,
"You know, you could have asked yourself anything you wanted, you didn't have to ask that..." he pointed out, but Cameron had stopped paying attention. She spun the party horn again and it landed on an empty space.
"How do we have an empty space in the circle?" Cuddy asked at the same time as Wilson shouted,
"Ow!" and jumped away from the metal rack he had been leaning against. After a moment, Kutner's head popped out from behind the rack,
"Sorry about that, I didn't realize that the shock could pass from me, through someone else, and onto any metal they might be touching." he admitted sheepishly.
"Wait, who are you back there with?" Chase asked, his voice beginning to regain some of it's masculinity. Cameron, noticing this, raised her eyebrows at him suggestively, but Chase was too distracted checking out his nails,
"You know, it's not really important who's back here." Kutner said, coughing awkwardly and disappearing behind the rack again. As Cameron dragged Chase off into a corner of the closet, House, Wilson, Taub, and Cuddy were contemplating who Kutner was with. They were thinking that maybe it was that nurse from pediatrics, but they weren't sure. None of them noticed that Thirteen was missing, and that a hand with the fingertips ignited was sticking out from behind the rack. Soon, they returned to their game. Eventually Chase and Cameron re-appeared, Cameron looking pleased with herself, Chase looking incredibly shaken. Just as Taub had completed a dare involving his party hat, his nose, and penguin noises and was about to spin the party horn, there was a loud gasp and House glared at Cameron and Chase,
"I don't care if you two hook up in the closet, but at least do it more quietly." He said, pokng them each with his cane. They both blinked at him, seeing as they were sitting in front of him, completely clothed and not even touching each other. As Cameron was about to point that out, Kutner and Thirteen emerged from behind the rack, looking panicked,
"The boxes are on fire!" Kutner yellled, pointing to the obviously on fire boxes. The others looked shocked, and Cuddy glared at Thirteen,
"Dr. Hadley, you really need to stop lighting my hospital on fire. I mean, it's fine if we can escape, but if we're locked in a closet with little space or oxygen, well then that's just reckless."
Thirteen blushed, mumbling "I didn't mean to."
Meanwhile, House had employed Wilson and Taub to move everything out of the way of the back wall. When they had he ased for complete silence,
"I need to concentrate." he explained, putting his fingers to his temples dramatically. The other six watched him, as he shot lazers out of his eyes and cut away at the back wall, which he then pushed down with his cane. The wall crumbled and fell down into a crowd of evacuated pediatric patients down below. They all screamed in fear and pain. Wilson frowned,
"House! You just injured and/or killed the majority of my patients! Now I'm going to have more paperwork to do." He grumbled, standing at the edge of the three floor drop off and looking down. House shrugged, picking up his cane and holding it in front of him with both hands. Then, he ran towards the edge of the floor and jumped off. The others gasped, watching as he fell. Halfway down, he pulled the ends of the cane in oppostie directions and it popped open, a parachute emerging. House floated safely to the ground.
"Huh, I always thought that cane looked pretty solid." Kutner remarked, moving away from the spreading flames and keeping one arm around Thirteen's waist.
"How do the rest of us get down?" Chase asked, clinging to Cameron nervously. No one answered, they were all at a loss. Then Taub saved the day once again,
"I can fly everyone down!" He announced, flying off the edge and floating in the air before them. The others seemed relieved as they nodded in agreement and Taub grinned, glad for some attention.
"Now, ladies first." he said, extending his arms out to whoever wanted to come first. There was a moment's hesitation then Thirteen stepped forward, shutting her eyes nervously and holding out her arms. Carefull, Taub grabbed her and flew her down to the ground, setting her next to House before flying back to get someone else.
After four more trips, Kutner was the only one left standing on the landing, the flames licking at his heels. Taub had landed on the ground, trying to catch his breath after having dropped Chase off with Cameron.
"Do you think I could leave him there?" Taub asked, glancing up at where Kutner was waving at him. Thirteen glared,
"Do it and die." she raised her hand and the flames on her fingers reappeared. Taub quickly took off and Thirteen smirked, bringing her index finger to her mouth and sucking it seductively. House, Wilson, Cuddy, Chase, and Cameron stared at her wide-eyed until she took her finger out of her mouth and raised her eyebrows at them,
"What? I was just putting the flames out."
"I'd like to see what else you have to suck to put out." House said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively and Thirteen smirked,
"That's what she said."
House and Cameron smirked too, the others cringed. Just then Taub and Kutner came crashing to the ground in front of them, Kutner landing on top of a very irate Taub. Thirteen rushed to Kutner's aid, helping him to his feet,
"Are you okay?" she asked, wrapping her arms around him and looking genuinely concerned. Kutner nodded. No one noticed that Taub had gotten the wind knocked out of him and was gasping for breath on the ground. They were all too distracted by the new addition to the group standing next to Cuddy. She looked just like Cuddy, and if they hadn't known what her real superpower was, they would have thought it was the abilty to clone herself. After a long, awkward moment Wilson asked,
"So Cuddy, who is this?"
Cuddy blinked, looking at her clone, "Oh, this is my identical twin sister, Gwendolyn. She came to visit."
Gwendolyn didn't blink. Literally. She didn't move or talk at all. She looked like a statue. Then she disappeared, and no one really questioned it. Taub had gotten up at this point and was feeling better. Chase and Cameron were gone again, and Thirteen silently wondered how they had that sort of energy. She wished Kutner was like that. As Thirteen was thinking about that, a police officer approached the group.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Lisa Cuddy, Gregory House, and James Wilson." he said looking official. Cuddy, House, and Wilson stepped forward,
"That's us." Cuddy told the police officer and he frowned,
"Well, we've determined that the start of the fire was in the diagnostic medicine office-"
"How did you figure that out, the fire is still going on!" Wilson asked, baffled. The officer looked sheepish.
"Well, actually, we found a map of the hospital and I closed my eyes and put my finger on a room and we decided that was where the fire started."
House shrugged, "Surprisingly accurate."
"Right," the officer continued, "So since you three are best friends and all-"
"Wait, how do you know that?" It was Cuddy who asked this time, and the police officer looked sheepish again,
"Well, we got a list of staff, and picked three people the same way we picked the room to be the best friends who started the fire."
"Again, surprisingly accurate, but we didn't start the fire," House turned and pointed to Thirteen who had been watching with curiosity, "It was HER!"
Suddenly Thirteen's eyes went wide and her lower lip began to twitch, like she was on the verge of tears. The officer stared at her for a moment, then looked back at House,
"B-but her eyes, they're so large...and shiny."
House, Wilson, and Cuddy turned to look at Thirteen whose expression hadn't changed. Then, after a moment they turned and had a group huddle,
"House," Wilson said quietly, "The policeman was right, her eyes are large AND shiny."
"Are you sure we didn't do it?" Cuddy asked. House frowned,
"I was almost positive it was her, but...I must have been wrong."
"Well, the right thing to do would be to turn ourselves in." Wilson said. House and Cuddy nodded. They broke their huddle and turned to face the policeman,
"You were right, we started the fire."
The policeman nodded, "Good, now come peacefully, or else I'll have to tase you." he pulled out his Taser. House, Wilson, and Cuddy didn't move,
"Nope," House started cautiously, "We're going to come peacefully, you can put that away."
The policeman looked sadly down at the gun in his hands, "But I never get to tase anyone!"
Wilson sighed, then composed himself before getting a crazy look on his face and starting to jump up and down,
"DON'T TASE ME BRO!" he screamed over and over. The policeman grinned, shooting Wilson with the Taser. Wilson fell to the ground for a moment, twitching, then got up.
"Thanks man." The police officer said, grinning. Wilson rolled his eyes,
"Let's just go."
The others watched as House, Cuddy, and Wilson were led away by the police officer. Cameron, who had reappeared a moment before, turned to Thirteen,
"I really need a good fuck."
Thirteen raised her eyebrows, "What happened to Chase?"
"Well, my inner succubus keeps sucking the testosterone out of him before we can actually do anything."
"That sucks," Thirteen said, frowning, "but why don't you just fuck a woman, so then you don't have that problem."
The two women stared at each other for a moment, then snuck off. Kutner frowned, watching them go,
"Okay Remy, I guess I'll just see you back at the apartment then." he called after Thirteen, who didn't acknowledge him. Then he turned to Taub,
"Dammit. What do I do now?"
Taub shrugged, "Wanna go get a drink?"
As it turned out Kutner did want to go get a drink. The two men left the parking lot of the hospital and skipped merrily off into the sunset.
THE END
A/N: Okay, for anyone who doesn't know, a succubus is like a demon that will make out with men, and its tonue gets really big and goes down their throat and sucks all their testosterone out. I saw it on Charmed. Review?