Author note -
This is a WIP. I hate posting WIPs. I make no promises about finishing it. But I need a reason to write, and I figure the pressure of having a WIP online might spur me on. I apologise for the title and the overused pun in the first sentence - I might think of something better.
This is set in MWPP final year at Hogwarts.
I noticed when watching PoA that Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Hogwarts and so on are all registered trademarks of Warner Brothers. JK Rowling made them up. Any resemblance I may bear to either of these entities is purely coincidental. I don't want to harm the characters, just have a little fun.
That will be all.
When Sirius got serious, he had trouble obtaining his usual eloquence.
"James, the thing is, you see, that, well, the point is that I love love you."
James ran a hand through his already messy hair. "Geez, Paddy," he said, and sighed. "Look, we can work through this, yeah?'
Sirius felt let down.
"I don't want to fuck things up," James continued. "You're my unofficially adopted brother... it'd be weird. Besides, I'm just a little bit straight. Lily, remember?"
Sirius looked at his hands. "That's probably what brought this on, you know. Jealousy."
"Exactly. You're jealous... and you're probably confused. Just because you're jealous of my new relationship doesn't mean you love me in a romantic way."
"I fell like such an idiot. But I had to tell you... Even if it's not what I really feel, it's what I think I feel, and it's been eating me, making me lash out, just as if it were real feelings that I am feeling. I think."
"You're definitely confused."
"Don't tell anyone, will you?"
"'Course not. We can talk about this tomorrow... I'm going to bed. Coming?"
Sirius shook his head.
"'Night then."
After James had gone up the staircase to the dormitory, Sirius snuck out of the castle, heedless of the Fat Lady's mutterings and the lateness of the hour. He roamed the gardens for a while, broke into a sprint across the Quidditch pitch, and crawled under the stands, all without thinking much. His mind was blank... all feeling had lodged somewhere near his stomach in a painful ball that wanted to be let out, through exercise or perhaps tears.
It was stupid, of course. Maybe James was right, and it was just confusion. Sirius tried to make sense of his true feelings. He certainly felt jealousy. Lily had, of course, taken part of James. Apart from the time factor, was it really a part of James that Sirius wanted to share? He pictured kissing James. Yes, that worked. But did it mean anything? He tried to imagine kissing Lily Evans. Nothing. He tried a gorgeous girl from Ravenclaw, just to make sure. Still nothing. He then tried to imagine it with another guy, just in case it was merely a James thing. It wasn't, exactly. Well, he was almost certainly gay. He didn't have much experience to go by - he'd never actually kissed anyone, and he and his friends were always too busy making mischief for it to be an issue. But it would be nice to be sure.
Was his confusion over his sexuality combining with his jealousy to make him think he loved James, when he was really only the best friend he'd ever had? Sirius couldn't decide. Maybe after they'd talked he'd know. Sirius got up, brushed the dirt off his robes and went to bed.
Sirius woke alone, and by the time he got to breakfast James had already left the Great Hall.
"Library with Lily," explained Peter through a mouthful of toast. Remus looked at Sirius sharply before readdressing himself to his scrambled eggs and "Daily Prophet". Sirius served himself some breakfast, trying to look normal. He didn't want the others to suspect anything was wrong.
When they met in the first class of the day, James acted as if nothing had happened. They didn't get a chance to be alone all day, and that night Remus insisted on remaining in the common room, studying, until after James had finished his essay and gone, yawning, to bed. Sirius still had a lot of work to do - he'd been too distracted to get much done. He doodled aimlessly on his parchment. What did he feel, what did he really feel?
"Want to look at my Defence essay?" Remus's voice startled Sirius and he blotted his parchment. "I'm done and it looks like you haven't started." Remus proffered it to Sirius who took it gratefully.
"Cheers," Sirius said. "What're you working on?"
"Ancient Runes translation. It's due tomorrow as well, and I missed the class it was mostly based on."
They worked in silence. Adapting Remus's essay was far easier than writing one from scratch, so Sirius did no more doodling and made good progress.
"How much have you got to go?" Remus asked about half an hour later. "I'm done, but I'll wait for you if you're nearly there."
"Just the conclusion to go," replied Sirius. Remus began to pack up.
"Are you all right, Padfoot?" Remus put his chin on a pile of books. "You've been a bit odd all day, and you were out late last night."
Sirius continued writing. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit restless. NEWTs and so on, you know."
"Is there a girl?" Remus asked, avoiding Sirius's eye.
Sirius didn't answer until he'd written his final sentence.
"Yeah, there's a girl." It wasn't a lie, exactly. Lily was a girl, and the cause of most of Sirius's torment. "I don't really want to talk about it, though."
"Well, if you ever need to talk... I'm here."
"I know. I'm just not ready to talk about it with anyone yet."
The two boys gathered their things and headed for bed.
"Thanks for the essay," said Sirius as they got to their room.
"Any time."
Sirius was still thinking too much to sleep, even though it was nearly one. He could hear soft snores coming from Peter's direction, the occasional snuffle from James, and the sounds of Remus turning over every so often as he settled down to sleep.
Sirius decided that he was glad that James didn't seem to want to talk about it. James and Lily were a couple, and Sirius didn't really want to break them up. It wasn't right. And he and James were still friends - that must be enough.
Sirius fell asleep eventually, decided on silence but still not sure of his feelings.
The days went by. Sirius didn't say anything more to James, but tried to act as if nothing had happened and all was well. James, relieved, did the same. He'd begun spending more time with Lily - not all his time, but combined with the duties of a Head Boy it was enough to mean the four old comrades spent a lot less time in each others' company.
Sirius, meanwhile, had decided that he was indeed gay, and thought it was probably time to come out to his friends. Sirius, Peter and Remus were alone in the common room late one Saturday night, taking it in turns to play chess. James and Lily had gone for a walk under the invisibility cloak. Sirius was watching Peter putting Remus in check when he couldn't hold it in any more.
"Um... I have something to tell you."
Peter and Remus looked up.
"This is kind of hard... but... I'm gay."
Peter was nonplussed, Remus didn't seem concerned.
"I thought I should tell you both. James already knows."
"Are - are you sure?" asked Peter.
"As sure as I can be."
"How long have you known?"
"I don't really know... it's as if it's always been there, but I only really figured it out in the past few weeks."
"Have you got a boyfriend?" Peter was beginning to sound like a reporter or inquisitor, but his tone was merely curious, not revolted.
"Ah, no," Sirius replied. "But still - there's no doubt, I'm afraid."
Peter shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. It's a surprise, but... well, it sounds trite, but it's just more girls for the rest of us, eh, Remus?"
Sirius looked anxiously at Remus as he spoke for the first time. "Well... that's no doubt true, Peter, but 'the rest of us' doesn't include me. Since we're on the topic..."
Sirius's wrinkled his nose incredulously. "You're gay too?"
"Yeah. Didn't like to say anything - you chaps are already keeping one secret for me. But since it's a night for sharing..."
"Two of my best mates... God, what're the chances of that?"
"Not out of the ordinary, actually," said Remus. "Statistics say one in ten people are gay, which means there should be at least three other homosexuals in our year." Sirius and Peter looked at him in disbelief. "What? So I don't just study for my NEWTs. I like to remain informed about my various conditions."
"There much in the Hogwarts library on the subject?"
"No, nothing... I got a couple of books in Muggle London and Diagon Alley. You can borrow them if you want."
"That's OK, mate," said Sirius. He felt a little cheated. Not only had his friends taken his news perfectly well, one of them had made a revelation of his own.
Remus's king was beginning to glare at him impatiently, so Remus absentmindedly moved him out of check. "I don't want my new to go any further though," he said as Peter moved his queen in for the kill. "Given what you said, I could hardly keep it from you two... but I don't want anyone else to know. Except James, of course. Good move, Peter."
Peter grinned. "Thanks. Yeah, of course it won't go any further. Sirius?"
"I don't mind, you can tell anyone you like." Remus raised an eyebrow. "About me I mean. Not Moony."
James and Lily appeared at this point, and Sirius greeted them with the requisite cat calls and teasing. The evening was over - Lily went off to bed, and, once James had been informed of the situation, he and Peter followed suit. Remus lingered.
"Hey... Sirius?"
Sirius had been about to follow the others, and turned.
"What?"
"There's something I didn't want to say in front of the others... but I'd like to tell you, now."
"What?" Sirius asked again.
"Well, I know you have a thing for James..."
"WHAT?"
"It was obvious. Others might not notice it, but I saw. Well, I would, seeing as I have a thing for you."
"You what?"
Remus smiled. "Crazy, innit? Both of us in love with one of our friends."
Sirius blinked. "But - you can't."
"Oh, I can. Very much so. For the past six months or so. I know you love James, and just because you're gay doesn't mean you fall for every male... but given that you're never going to get James, and I like you, and seeing as how we're friends and all... I though maybe we could share our first kiss. Only if you want to."
Sirius was gobsmacked. "I... well... Gosh, Moony, I don't know. I don't want to fuck things up - you know I don't like you in that way."
"I know," said Remus. "But wouldn't you rather share it with me, knowing you'd be giving me pleasure, than do it with that Sebastian Carruthers-Wilder over in Ravenclaw?"
"Well, yes..."
"Or graduate without ever having been kissed? I know what I'm getting myself in for, and I'm not asking for marriage. Aren't you curious?"
Sirius was. He had pictured kissing Remus - along with every other boy in the year - when he was trying to sort his feelings out, but that was before he knew that Remus was gay too. The idea was far from repulsive.
"Well... let's try it then."
Sirius had not imagined that it would be so clumsy, or so wet. But it wasn't unpleasant, for all that. When they broke apart...
"Well," said Remus. "So now we know. Definitely gay here."
"Same." Sirius was a bit breathless.
"Well, goodnight then."
"Yeah, 'night."
Sirius was a bit surprised at Remus's matter-of-factness. When they arrived in the dorm Peter was sniggering, but Remus casually changed into his pyjamas and got into bed as if nothing out of the usual had happened. He was soon asleep, whereas Sirius lay awake, not really thinking of anything.
Sirius and Remus's twin revelations didn't affect Hogwarts at all, particularly as only the four of them knew. Sirius wouldn't have minded being out in general, but kept quite, partly for Remus's sake, and partly because, as Remus pointed out, it wouldn't do much good.
"You wouldn't want to go out with that git Sebastian anyway, and he's the only other gay boy in our year. There are a few sixth years, but ... And there's your brother and cousins to consider."
"I've already moved out of home, what can my family do?" grumbled Sirius, but he made no announcements and contended himself with no longer hiding his ogling of other boys.
Remus kept up the old life as if nothing had happened.