Author's Note: Wow, it's been a while since my last one. Anyway, this seems to be a lighter piece than my usual stuff, but don't worry for all you angst!addicts like me, I threw in enough to keep you satisfied too. Sorry, haven't written in a while - give me an ego boost? Or leave me some harsh criticism, gotta love it all. Enjoy.
I. Waiting for the Punchline
You went into the kitchen cupboard
Got yourself another hour
And you gave half of it to me
We sat there looking at the faces
Of these strangers in the pages
Regina Spektor, the Calculation
—
Her new boyfriend smells like cigarettes and Old Spice and leather and lightbulb! that sounds like someone he knows all too well.
"Hey, man," the unknown leather-clad, Old Spice and cigarette-reeking stranger greets.
Derek grunts because he can't very well ignore the boy when he promised Casey he'd be on his best behavior (that and any 'attitude' will be rewarded with his step-sister ratting out both his failed final exams to dad and Nora.)
The waste of space holds his hand out and for a second Derek debates raising an eyebrow but realizes Casey'll probably consider that attitude, so he gingerly (in the most manly way possible) returns the handshake. He shudders at the fact that he recognizes that shake—two pumps and an intimidating squeeze at the end.
"You know what's funny?" Casey asks, trailing her new boyfriend into Derek's apartment. Without waiting for an answer she continues, "I figured your apartment would be a mess but it's actually cleaner than mine."
He turns around without answering her. For some reason, bringing up his anal-about-cleanliness girlfriend seems unnecessary. He plans on telling her he cleans now (just to see the look on her face) but he can't really bring himself to lie, even if she wasn't able to call his bluff.
"Henry," his voice oozes insincerity, "make yourself comfortable."
"It's Hunter," Derek hears piece-of-shit mutter as he makes his way to the kitchen to grab the… (what did Kelly tell him they were called?) oh right, hors d'oeuvres.
"Are these…" Casey trails off, looking at the yellow platter in what seems to be awe and disbelief.
Shit, he forgot what they were called again… "Hors d'oeuvres?" she asks—and he thanks God that he didn't have to be the one to awkwardly formulate the foreign word.
"Yeah, I mean, yes. What? Are my appetizers not classy enough for Ms. Casey McDonald?" he spits mildly. Her fidgeting discomfort is reward enough—he can tell she doesn't want to express her keener self so early in the relationship.
Nevertheless, on cue, she delivers a hissing, "De-rek."
"Anyway," Derek continued, smiling devilishly at Casey's new seat-filler, "Tell me about yourself. How did you meet? What's wrong with you? No one voluntarily dates my sister."
"Step-sister," Casey corrects, placing a hand on her boyfriend's knee.
Hunter smirks (and god why does that make Derek so uncomfortable?) and gives a low chuckle, "I'm a rising junior, majoring in film, minoring in marketing. Transferred to Queens last semester. I met Casey at the movie rental store, actually. And can't say exactly what's wrong with me—guess I have a thing for girls who color-code and alphabetize their film rental schedule."
Casey proceeds to giggle in a way that makes Derek want to throw these stupid hors d'whatevers at her stupid-fucking-face.
Majoring in film, minoring in business. He feels sick to his stomach—god, what did Kelly put in these appetizers? He tastes bile in his throat.
"That's funny," Derek manages to spit,"I'm majoring in film" and minoring in business "as well."
A look of awkward uneasiness washes over Casey's face, "Oh, that's right. Derek's majoring in film, too. I totally forgot."
Her eyes dart back and forth between Derek and Hunter, slowly at first, gradually quickening until her eyebrows merge with her hairline and her hands lay limp in her lap. Her lower lip quivers until her entire jaw seems to lock. Then she closes her eyes and lets her head slam backwards onto the couch.
Now it's Derek's turn to smirk, "Wow, seems like you forget a lot of things. That's not like you, Case. Is something wrong?"
"Are we going to get to eat soon, or what?" she growls, tightening her hold on Hunter.
—
Dinner parties are so much fun, he decides, as he continuously hints at the fact that her new boyfriend is somewhat, if not completely, a clone of Derek.
"The steak sauce, Hunter? That's funny, I was just about to marinate my own steak with some steak sauce."
The stupid moron laughs like Derek's told a joke and Casey's rolling her eyes and staring into her mashed potatoes as if the answer to the meaning of life is held within them.
"Casey hates when I put steak sauce on my steak. She says the steak juice is flavor enough and I should savor the natural flavors. I told her if we just bathed the actual cows in steak sauce—"
"—then the problem would be solved," Derek finishes triumphantly, barely holding back a hysterical laugh that is about to burst in Casey's contorted face, "I think I've told Casey that before, haven't I?"
"Yes, Derek, I believe you've mentioned something equally stupid," she bites back.
—
The dinner ends late that night.
"Thanks, man. Dinner was awesome," Derek scowls a little bit as Hunter slides on his wowthatsfamiliar leather jacket on in a haven'tiseenthatbefore fashion.
"No problem, man," Derek replies, shaking his hand again.
"Case" (grimace) "you ready to go?" Hunter calls into the kitchen.
"You go ahead, Hunter. I promised mom and George that Derek and I would call them together tonight anyway. I'll be able to get home later, don't worry," she scuttles into the hallway to give Hunterderek a kiss goodbye.
Derek feels obliged to look away as she presses her lips onto her boyfriend's. As she begins to walk away, Hunter tugs on a strand of her hair (nausea).
"Hun-ter!" (oh shit he's about to vomit) she giggles again, "Night!"
"Nice meeting you, Derek," he nods again, and walks out the door.
Even holding back his discomfort (grimace nausea vomit), he can't wait to openly laugh in Casey's face.
But as he walks back to the kitchen, he sees her sitting on the floor, "Oh god, please don't say anything. Oh god, oh god, oh god."
"Whatever do you mean, dear sister?" Derek asks, grabbing two popsicles out of the refrigerator, the satisfied smirk growing on his lips, "He seems like a nice boy. Somewhat familiar, maybe. But I think in the long run, him and I will learn to be great friends. I think I could do that for you, sis."
"It was unintentional. I don't even know how… I just… how did this happen?" her voice trembles between her knees where her head rests.
"You couldn't stand to be without me, that's all," he taunts, tossing a popsicle in her direction. It hits her head and bounces onto the floor, "Nice catch."
"I spent my entire, okay, a good part at least, of my adolescent life hoping to get away from you. And the first decent guy I date…."
"Say it, Case," he gives his signature smirk that she completely misses, too busy studying the floor.
"He's your fucking twin, Derek! How does that even happen?" she lifts her head up and his eyes widen in shock (1) did she really admit that? 2) did she just say fucking?).
"Well, yeah. Thought you might have realized that when you started dating the guy," he answers nonchalantly, "But please. I so have better hair than him. And he talks weird, like out of the side of his mouth. Plus he doesn't look like he likes kittens very much. I'm a very kitten-friendly person. And his leather jacket looked a little too new... I'm gonna have to show this boy how to wear a real..."
"Derek, I'm practically dating you!" she cuts him off, "Wait, no, that didn't come out right. I mean, I meant to say..."
Her gaze meets his and he holds it for a little too long to say I know what you meant. He breaks it before his brain can begin to calculate just exactly how long he held it for (probably somewhere near then what exactly did you mean?)
The doorbell rings, breaking the silence (but not the tension) in the room.
"I'll get that," Derek whispers, standing up slowly.
—
The door swings open... Kelly.
"Kelly, hey!" he greets uncertainly, pecking his girlfriend on the cheek, "What are you doing here?"
He assumes he didn't mask his confusion with flirtatiousness well enough because she stiffens, "You told me to come over at 11. After your sister—"
"Step-sister," he corrects out of habit.
"— and her boyfriend left. A sister that I didn't actually know you had until about seven hours ago, thank you very much. Most people talk about their family in their first few dates, especially if they have a sister living on campus. Anyway, how was dinner? Perfect, right?"
And he can't help noticing she drones on and on a little bit like... "She's not actually gone yet."
"Great! I can meet her, can't I?" And then she smiles in a way that's ohshitwherehaveiseenthat familiar and walks into the kitchen.
He follows her, suddenly wary of her girlfriend and step-sister meeting, "Case. This is Kelly. My," his throat catches a little and Kelly flashes him a strange look, "girlfriend."
"Don't mind him," Casey, who has cleaned herself up by this point, no longer sprawled across the kitchen floor, "He's never been good with emotions."
"Oh, believe me, I know," Kelly replies, suddenly seeming defensive. Spotting the popsicle wrapper on the floor, she quickly steps over and discards it (fuck...), "Sorry, I'm always having to clean up around here. I'm such a neat-freak, it's almost embarrassing."
"No, I'm totally the same way." (grimace) "Well, it's really great to meet you. I had no idea Derek had a girlfriend," Casey smiles a smile Derek has just seen minutes prior... on...someone else (nausea).
"That's weird. I didn't even know Derek had a sister until earlier this morning," Kelly snaps back.
"Step-sister," Derek and Casey chime together before turning away from each other.
"Oh, right," she forces a smile at Casey, "Anyway, I'd love to stay longer but I really need to get home and finish my Women In the Renaissance paper. It's just not turning out perfectly. I have very strong opinions on the subject, I just can't put all my thoughts on paper. I've rewritten it so many times you wouldn't believe."
This time, it's Derek's eyes that snap shut and his head slams against the refrigerator door.
"Yeah, that paper kept me up for days on end," Casey laughs, eyes sparkling deviously at Derek's slumped figure, causing Kelly's eyes to narrow suspiciously, gaze darting between the two trying to figure out the inside joke she's been so obviously left out of, "Nice seeing you."
"Call me tomorrow, Derek," Kelly addresses him and places a light kiss on his lips, waving to Casey as she steps into the main hallway.
With that, the front door slams, leaving Casey and Derek to stare at each other in utter bewilderment.
Minutes of silence pass, a tangible tension settling over the two of them.
"Well, ain't deja vu a bitch," Casey mutters.
"Yeah..." (ohfuckohfuck god death seems so nice right now), "Ain't it just."
His heart pounds and his ears ring, his brain filling with words and thoughts that he can't formulate into coherent sentences. All he can see is Kelly's beautiful smile, Kelly's tumbling blonde locks, Kelly's ruby red lips, Casey's piercing gray eyes... Wait. What? Stop. Rewind. His mind's a mess of Caseykellyhunterderek and he doesn't want to make the one connection that will make it all make sense.
The beginnings of a storm brewing in the distance can be heard outside, the wind knocking against the shutters, the rain pattering onto the windowpanes.
Somehow, when Derek listens a little harder, the storm doesn't seem so far away.
fin.