AMERICAN GIRL
Liz woke up in the tiny apartment that held just her.
She was really making peace with her past. She was surprised that the wound was
so fresh today. But she missed Max. Espically when she was just waking up. She
missed his arms around her and the fresh scent of him and his strong arms that
protected her all night. She missed him so much she was surprised to find out
that she wasn't ripped in half.
The thought of the
arguement that happened so many year sago still made her head hurt. She
couldn't stand the pain that lived in her jet black head. She reached for the cigarettes as soon as
she got out of bed. The nicotine didn't really do it anymore. It didn't quell
the pain like it used to. Maybe they made extra-strong cigarettes. She doubted
it, but she would check anyway.
Liz started up the
green Toyota and made sure that the rich, black coffee was secure in the
holder. She let her eyelids drop so they were only half mast and stared at the
empty highways. She absently sang along with the sad, angry songs on the radio.
She would be at theoffice soon. Just the thought of that made her ease her foot
up on the gas pedal. She hated work with a passion.
She looked down at
the tiny slip of paper that held two lines of scrawl. An address. Funny an
address should mean so much to her. She didn't really want to drive all the way
and follow the carefully written and very long instructions.
Who was she
kidding? She wanted to go more than anything else in the world. She wanted to
find Max. Say she was sorry, yell at him for leaving her, cry, touch him again.
But he had left. And said he was never coming back. Why should she humiliate herself for him? Why should she follow
him like a lost little puppy when she knew that he wanted nothing to do with
her?
She hit a switch
and a familiasr beep sounded, her turn signal. She would turn and drive down
the windy road and go to her office. How many years ago was it that she dreamed
of being a molecular boilogist? How
many years ago was it when she was sure she would be happ?. It was such a dumb
fight. The night that he left. Max just was mad because she was always at
school. How she never had time for him.
She told him that
soon- very soon- she would be what she had dreamed of being. Then they would
have their whole lives together. They would both be happy forever, all he had
to do was hang on for one more year.
But he couldn't.
Wouldn't. He left. She dropped out. And she wondered if he really cared about
all the hours she put into school. He never cared before. He would rub her neck
and she poured over formulas and tests and laws. He would quiz her on the long
lists of hard to pronounce vocabulary words that she had to have memorized. He
would cook dinner for her when she was too tired to move. He loved her.
She wonder what
happened to the innocent boy that he had fallen in love with. When had Max
turned mean and bitter and resentful? Was it really because she spent too much
time at school? Was it because he followed her to California? Because he gave
up Harvard? Was it because he finally had enough?
She sighed as she pulled into her spot in the company parking
lot. She though of her endless "to-do" list and all the bills that were piling
up at home. Not to mention the place was a mess. There were actually layers of
dust. She could probably do carbon dating.
The scientist that
still lived in her smiled at that thought. Carbon dating. When was the last
time she had done something scientific? Even walking through the park and
catorgizing trees by their bark and leaves. God, that was fun.
On a whim she
grabbed the small piece of paper that lived in the passanger seat. It had been
copied over and over due to tear stains when emotions got the better of her.
Liz was so happy when Isabel called her out of the blue and gave her the
address. At first Isabel had hated that Max and Liz were together, but once she
got used to it she didn't stop fighting for them. Liz crumpled the paper up and
threw it in the trashcan on her way in.
"Hello,
Elizabeth." Her boss greeted her.
"Hello, Sir."
She opened her
mouth to talk to him. Why haven't I gotten a raise in 5 year? Why am the
only one on my original team who hasn't been promoted yet? Why have only men
been promoted?
Liz
closed her mouth abruptly and ran outside.
"Where are you
going Miss Parker?"
"I-- I forgot
something." She ran out and grabbed the address from the garbage. She smoothed
out the wrinkles and folded it neatly and put in in her purse. She wasn't ready to visit him yet. But
someday she would be. Maybe.
Liz pushed the silly
daydreams aside and walked into the office, head high. For now she would face
reality and do her job, get the day over with. It was Monday. The thought of
living through a full week made her want to jam a pen in her temple. She patted
the pocket that held his address. Maybe she would go tomorrow. She had only
taken one sick day, she could miss a day or two of work. Maybe he would be so
happy to see her he wouldn't let her out of his sight- or his bedroom- for a
week. Maybe she would never come back. The thought of that made her shiver with
anticipation.
Tomorrow
she vowed, knowing she wouldn't go. She would go to work and live this life and
fantasize about the other one. Still there was hope. She smiled a rare, sad
smile. Hope doesn't live here anymore. Yet she touched the pocket of her
suit again, only a thin piece of felt seperating herself from hope, happiness,
MAX!
Her boss walked up
to her. He gave her the to-do list for the day, reminding her that she had to
finish the papers from yesterday that she didn't get to. Too late to escape
today, she reasoned.
Tomorrow.
She glanced
outside as the breeze blew around the trees, slamming into the glass. Sun fell
down on the world, leaving tantalizing shadows that she longed to explore. She
longed to rip off her too-tight high heels and feel the grass under her feet.
Tomorrw.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Maria lifted her head
from the sink and swung her hair around in large circles. Bent over the tile
throwing her head this way and that, feeling the droplets of water that were
flung to her neck and seeing the bright red hair in front of her eyes made her
happier than she had been in a year.
She studied herself in the mirror. The red
was a bit much. Not at all subtle. Her deep green eyes didn't look right with
the bright hair. Her pale skin looked sickly with the intense red. Oh, well.
What's done is done. And it was different. Way different. She smiled in what
felt like forever.
Then she heard her
baby cry. Sweet little baby boy. Michael's baby. She loved him dearly.
Well, part of her
loved him dearly. Part of her was so angry at him it took all her self control
to not scream at him and shake him harshly.
Why, oh why had she kept the baby? She could barely take care of
herself. Her stomach rumbled, but it barely got to her. She was used to
ignoring sharp hunger pains. She usually snuck some food from the diner she
worked at.
She knew why she kept her baby. Maria loved that she was
able to keep Michael close, his memory at least. And she smiled when the baby's
hands glowed the first time she touched him. If he did have powers she would
know and she would love him. It would be too fitting for both Guerin's to feel
unloved. Not her baby.
She stole a glance
at the colck on the wall. Damn! She was late for work. Again.. She still wasn't
used to traveling with a baby. It slowed her up. She didn't have enough money
to get late fees deducted from her paycheck. Maria walked as quickly as
possible to the dive down the street.
"You're late!" Her
boss yelled at her when she entered. He was an angry man. Dark hair and small,
evil eyes. Like a rat, she had always told herself. He loved to lord his
position over the women, hitting on them, playing twisted power games and
threatening them. Maria hated him. "And I thought I told you not to bring that
brat in here!!" Maria's so-called bundle of joy started to cry as if on cue.
"I had no place to leave him."
Olivia, the
closest thing Maria had to a friend, came up to her. "We'll just put him in his
usual spot in the kitchen. He is always so happy in that little cupboard." As
soon as Olivia touched him he stopped crying and cooed and gurgled happily.
"Oh, I love this guy!"
"Want him?" Only half-joking. Maria felt
instantly guilty and picked him up and hugged him close before her friend could
answer. "No, no, you can't take him. I love him to much." A string of drool
landed on her uniform, but Maria paid no attention to it. She and Olivia
situated him into his little nest and left to go about their business. If he
cried to got upset one of the cooks or other girls would tend to him. He was a
big part of their disfunctional family. They all loved him. And maybe needed
him a little.
Maria let half of
her brain work on filling orders and counting change, making grocery lists for
the week and crossing out items in her head as people skipped out on their
bill. She peeked outside the door and saw the people walk the streets with no
place to go. She thanked God for her quiet and warm apartment. If there was a
God. She wasn't sure. She'd thank Him jsut in case.
Maybe tomorrow she
would go looking for a new job. Or maybe apply to night school. Get her GED,
just like she always wanted. She thought whimsically of the better job she
could get with a high school education. And she was only 20, though she felt
older. Much, much older.
She absently
carried a heavy tray of drinks to a table and picked up the 50 cent tip off of
another table she had waited. She bussed it and thought of how she could better
herself, her son.
Her boss was
yelling at her again, threatening, harassing.
She could only
wait for tomorrow with its endless possibilities. She sighed as she dreamed of
an impossible future.
Tomorrow
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Isabel lay awake
in bed. She was wearing a new nightie. It was purple- the color he always said
he looked pretty in. She was waiting for him to come home, to see him smile, to
watch him as he winked at her and climbed into bed. She stretched her legs and
yawned. She was tired of waiting.
She smiled sadly in the dark, that one thought sums up my
life, she thought. Tired of waiting. She was tired of waiting to be loved, to
be wanted, needed. She was tired of keeping her secret, her damn secret. Since
things endd so badly in Roswell she never spoke of it to anyone. Max was the
only one she ever talked to, and she didn't even discuss it with him, she
pretended so hard that she was normal.
How long had she
been waiting? She rolled over to look at the clock. The rich red looked warm in
the small apartment. It was 3:30 in the morning. He wasn't working today. He
said he was going out. When he did that he was usually gone til 10. 11 latest.
She had gotten ready at 9:30- just in case. Where was he??
She smiled as her
gaze drifted down her legs. She really did look nice in this nightie. Isabel
smiled, she was still a little bit of a princess, she allowed that to continue.
Funny, she lived in a hole, she was poor, but some days she couldn't help feeling
like a princess. Isabel was just sorry the few welts on her legs showed up so
well against her pale white skin. But she wouldn't think about that. He said he
was sorry. It was her own fault.
She wouldn't think
about it.
In an effort to
keep herself from thinking about her lover, she thought to her Alex.
Alex. He was the only
one who ever treated her like the princess she knew she was. He was the only
one that made her laugh, that could touch her so softly she ached.
They hadn't spoken in
forever, the relationship had ended badly. A loud, painful break-up that ruined
so many dishes Isabel had to buy a completely new set. She still loved him,
though. She had never stopped loving him. She had told him that on th phone.
Alex had told her that he was HIV positive. After
the break up he had been so broken hearted he had a one-night stand with some
floozy. Big mistake. They both cried over the
phone, both wanting to make it better. They talked for hours. They
actually laughed a little at the end. He had a while to live. Maybe it would be
OK
No, she knew it wouldn't. He didn't have long at all. He had
told her that, he had been in denile for so long he hadn't taken care of
himself. Isabel allowed a few tears to run down her cheeks at the thought that
her Alex would spend his last hours alone in some hospital. Maybe on
painkillers to stop the earth-shattering pain. But pills wouldn't keep the
regret, the sorrow, the anger, and the fear away. Even though Isabel had
stopped believing in God a long time ago she prayed now. She prayed to Alex's
God. She knew nothing would cure him, not even her powers. Michael was staying
with Alex when he found out, even alien powers couldn't help. She consoled
herself with the thought that Michael would be there. She prayed for it to end
quick.
She sobbed into
her pillow. This was all just to hard.
Maybe tomorrow
she'd leave. Pack up her bags and go. No, just stay. It's your own fault. You
always push him. "Forcing cicles into squares." She had been told. Well, maybe
she could at least visit Alex. Few days drive. She could take a bus or
something. That would be do-able.
4:30. Nobody home.
She suddenly sat
up and jumped in the shower. She wanted to cleanse herself, she wanted to erase
all the tears and pain and black and blue bruises. Her hands stopped
momentarily over the welts and her hands glowed with power. But she quickly
moved them away. She was normal!!
Maybe tomorrow she
could be happy. Be brave. Yea, tomorrow, she told herself. She COULD do it. She
had to.
Tomorrow.
