Ok! This, my friends, is the work of Celestina. It contains yaoi. Lots and lots of glorious yaoi, shounen ai, boy love, slash, m/m, homosexuality etc! Hooray! Basically?
Title: The Infamous Little Merperson
Author: Celestina
Couples: There are three. But they're SECRET. ^ ^
Summary: The Gundam pilots have just received a mission: To infiltrate- THE LITTLE MERMAID? The boys don't claim to understand what's going on; they just go with the flow. Except for Duo, that is. He doesn't really want to be a mermaid.
Duo stared at Heero in horror. "No way. You have GOT to be kidding me!"
Heero snorted. He didn't like the new mission any more than Duo did, but he wasn't being so vocal about it, was he? Of course, Heero wasn't really vocal about anything, but the point was that Duo was being excessively annoying over something they couldn't even change.
Duo crossed his arms. "What is the point of this mission? What does it have to do with anything? Anyway, how do you know that those little pill things are even safe?"
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Duo, you're a Gundam Pilot. Since when has safety had to do with anything?"
Duo pouted. "Yeah, well. I don't trust pills, especially not ones designed to send me off into my own worst nightmare." This was not strictly true. Duo's worst nightmare actually involved cream puffs and mousetraps, but anything else just wouldn't have had the right dramatic flair.
Trowa raised an eyebrow. "This involves all of us, I hope you realise. It's not like you're the only one risking it."
Duo paced up and down, bristling like an angry cat. "Alright for you to say! You get to be the prince! Whereas I have to be the stupid mermaid. Why do I have to be the chick? Not only that, a chick with a stupid fish tail! Why can't Quatre be the heroine? He's cuter than me!"
Trowa sighed as Quatre blushed. "Duo, we've been over this before. The parts were already assigned to us; you don't have a choice in the matter. Anyway, you have longer hair than Quatre. You'd probably make the best mer…person."
Quatre chose then to interrupt. "Besides, Duo, it's not like you actually have to pretend to be a girl."
Duo narrowed his eyes bitterly. "Yeah, thanks for that. Man, this sucks! I hate seawater. It's gross, and the salt makes my hair go all icky. Plus it'll get all tangled. And I don't even like swimming!"
Heero cast a longsuffering look up towards the ceiling. Duo had been ranting for at least half an hour, now.
"Hey, wait. I just thought of something. How do you get laid with a fish tail?"
There was a long silence, during which everyone studiously looked down at the floor, obviously embarrassed and avoiding Duo's gaze. Duo began to look suspicious.
"Guys? Why is no one answering? What are you hiding?"
Nervously, Quatre cleared his throat. "Um. Duo, I don't think you- er- can."
Duo went pale. "WHAT? You mean, no sex? At all?"
Quatre laughed uneasily. "Well. Um. I guess you could say that, yes."
"Not even kinky fish tail sex?"
Everyone blanched at this. Wufei cursed as his nose began to bleed, Quatre blushed a very impressive scarlet and even Heero started choking. Finally, he managed to catch his breath long enough to give the reply on everyone's mind. "EXCUSE me?"
Duo shrugged. "Well, not that I want kinky fish tail sex. I was just curious. So?"
Trowa shook his head. "No, Duo. No kinky fish tail sex."
Duo threw his hands up in defeat. "This just keeps getting better, doesn't it? Not only do I have to play the female lead, not only do I have to forfeit my legs for a stupid looking fish tail, but I can't even get laid. Just perfect. It's such a waste of my beautiful body!"
Heero rolled his eyes. "Duo, you don't normally do things like that on missions anyway. Besides, whoever said your body was beautiful? When you've stopped being vain, egotistical and moronic, could we please get on with it?"
Duo sniffed, pride wounded. Not that he was going to admit it, but it kind of hurt to have Heero insult him. The Japanese pilot usually just disdained to answer, which was a lot less damaging to his tenuous self-esteem.
"Fine."
The infamous mer-uh, person- by the name of Duo swam listlessly through the beautiful streets of the Mer Kingdom, beautiful hair trailing behind him. He still didn't know how those annoying pill-things worked, but whatever they did, they apparently did it quickly. When the others had finally persuaded Duo to get on with it, he had had another bout of suspicion in relation to the little pink pills. Completely fed up by this point, Heero felt no need to waste time being nice. He'd literally shoved a pill down Duo's throat, and it had started taking effect immediately. Duo was going to get Heero for that.
Duo had also come to the conclusion he really hated swimming, not to mention with fish tails. He didn't know exactly how he managed to speak underwater, considering it should have been physically impossible, but he was putting the ability to good use, stringing off as many profanities in as many different languages as he could remember. Oh yes. Heero was going to pay, never mind that it wasn't strictly his fault, as such.
As the youngest son of the Mer King, Prince Duo had earned the degrading name 'the Little Merperson'. He considered darkly that that was yet another thing he was going to get revenge on Heero for. Quatre was way shorter than him! Well- a little shorter, anyway.
Duo had also been given the reputation as the loudest and most irritating of the merfolk. It had been decided that he almost never shut up. Currently, he also retained the worst disposition of all, although this wasn't usually the case. Usually, he was unnaturally cheerful, which was just as bad. Just less destructive, that was all.
Out of all his siblings, Duo was the only one with an unholy fascination with the human world. And more to the point, he was the only one with an obsession over ditching the tail, as he so worded it. Whenever reminded of its existence, which was quite often, he gave whoever was in the vicinity a glare to rival anyone's but Heero's. Nothing could be quite so threatening as the patented Yuy-deathglare, but Duo was coming close recently. Should he have encountered Heero at any time during one of his moods, there was no question that Duo would have killed him on sight.
Duo growled in frustration. Stupid good-for-nothing tail. He couldn't even storm up and down in a righteous rage properly! As for kicking stuff? Hah, forget that!
Despondently, Duo flopped onto a coral bed. Or at least, he tried to. It was a little difficult when the lack of gravity in the water was taken into consideration. That was another thing someone was going pay for. Someone was really racking up an enormous debt. Unsurprisingly, that someone was Heero.
Duo was attempting to sulk, but it was a bit hard considering he kept floating slightly above the sea floor. Really, being a merperson was the pits!
Duo was going into a particularly spectacular bout of self-pity when his thoughts were rudely interrupted. However, it soon turned out to be worth it. The stormy expression brightened considerably at the sight of someone else to torment with his constant torrents of chatter. Even better, they were suffering too.
"Yo, Wu-man, how's it hanging?" Duo called happily. His notorious mood swings were almost legendary among the merfolk, by now.
Wufei scowled. "Maxwell, how many times have I told you to stop calling me that? Anyway, what do you think? I look ridiculous!"
Duo stifled a snigger, as he at least agreed with that particular observation. He began to get mad again when he remembered he looked pretty much the same, but then he calmed down. After all, misery loves company. It was always preferable to have someone around to share his grievances. Besides, he probably looked much better with a fishtail than Wufei did.
"Now do you understand why I was complaining so much? I was right, by the way. This completely sucks. Zechs keeps picking on me. He seems really annoyed about something or other. God knows how he ended up as my brother. Come to think of it, what is he even doing here?"
Wufei shook his head and held up a hand in an attempt to slow the never-ending prattle. "Wait, wait. Did you say that Zechs is here?"
Duo shrugged, and tried to untangle his hands from his hair with a disgusted expression. He knew the salt water would be bad for it! "Yeah. And he's royally pissed about something, too. Been taking it out on me."
"Did you do anything to provoke him?"
Duo paused to think about the question. "Well- sort of. I mean, I kept bugging him about the world above the sea until he finally snapped and went berserk. I think it was entirely unreasonable. I mean, maybe he was right about one or two things. Like when he yelled- what was it? Oh yeah. 'Maxwell, do you ever shut up? Why must you incessantly ask about humans? You know just as much as me! You were one, for Christ's sake!' Or something like that. He didn't have to be so rude, though. He was being unusually short-tempered, considering how patient he is most of the time. You know what I think? I reckon he's just cut cause Treize is our dad, if you know what I mean." Duo accompanied this with a conspiratorial wink.
Wufei's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "What? Did you say Treize?" he hissed, grabbing Duo by the shoulders. Duo grinned.
"Yep. Get this, he's the Mer king! All hail mighty King Treize, whose mercy hath no bounds!" Duo intoned in a mock serious tone. "Hah! That's a laugh. So-" He was cut of by Wufei's loud and angry rant relating to the unfortunate presence of his arch-nemesis. Even Duo was impressed by the velocity and sheer range of the swear words spewing from Wufei's mouth, and that was saying something.
When Wufei had finally stopped expounding on the finer and more unsavoury points of Treize's appearance, personality, parentage and the situation as a whole, there was a short silence. Duo was struck speechless by the uncharacteristic display. /Man, Wufei must really hate Treize! He's damn good at cursing, too. Maybe I should take notes the next time he goes into a fit of rage?/
Having once more regained the ability for rational thought, Wufei took a deep breath and apologised profusely for his outburst. Duo waved his hand imperiously. "Nah, think nothing of it. Good for you to stop being so righteous and justice-crazed once in a while."
Wufei growled at this, but eventually decided it wasn't worth the trouble of thinking up a suitable retort. Petty things such as insults were beneath him. At least, that's what he told himself. So instead, he trailed in Duo's exuberant wake, muttering darkly to himself. Oddly enough, he felt ever so vaguely sympathetic towards Zechs. He was brought from his thoughts, however, by a rare lull in the conversation that was probably indicative of the fact that Duo was waiting for him to respond in some manner.
Wufei blinked. "Pardon?"
Duo huffed exasperatedly. "Don't bother, I know you weren't listening. In case you're wondering, I was considering having a little- fun." The wicked gleam in his eyes said it all, really.
Wufei stared at him in despair, knowing that it would take more than him to stop the crazy teenager. "Duo! No matter how stupid it is, this is still a mission! Besides," he continued suspiciously, "what were you planning anyway?"
Duo grinned enthusiastically. "Oh, just wait! It's my best plan to date! See, basically, we sneak into Zechs' room and steal his mask. I tell you, he's obsessed with the thing! Anyway, then we go and hide it in Treize's room. Zechs would go into a blind fit of panic, and after he found it, King Treize would so be in for it! And thus would all chaos ensue," Duo finished gleefully.
Wufei stopped swimming abruptly. "No. Absolutely no way in HELL, Maxwell!"
Duo glowered at the Chinese pilot evilly. "Why not? It'd spread dissension amongst the ranks of Oz, which, may I remind you, is what we're supposed to do? It'd at least give some point to this dumb mission, if only to get on Zechs' and Treize's nerves a bit. And besides, Zechs deserves it!"
Wufei clenched his teeth. "Somehow, I doubt that. If you're being half as annoying now as you were then, I'd say his behaviour towards you was completely justified. Stick to the plot, Duo."
Duo glared at Wufei balefully. "You do know we're doing to original version, right? Not the Disney one? Because there is not meant to be an anally retentive fluorescent red crab in this story. Especially not one following me around and being a pain in the neck."
Wufei raised an eyebrow. "Maxwell, do I look like a crab to you? I've got a fishtail exactly like yours!"
Duo shrugged. "Point taken. You're still being anally retentive, though."
"You can't be anally retentive if you don't have an anus," Wufei muttered sourly.
Duo winced. "Could you stop reminding me of the fact?"
"I will when you stop being so obnoxious," Wufei shot back acidly.
"Yeah, well. Being obnoxious is what I do," Duo responded enthusiastically. "If we're not going to steal Zechs's mask, then what are we going to do?"
"Absolutely nothing," Wufei stated flatly.
"Aw, Wu-man, you're seriously boring sometimes, know that?" Duo whined.
Wufei smirked. "Good. And many times do I have to tell you not to call me that preposterous name before it sinks into your thick skull?"
Duo grinned. "Oh, for all eternity, I should imagine. No guarantees, though. Anyway, if you're going to be so thoroughly dull then I'll do as Zechs so rudely suggested and rack off to the surface. Seeya!"
Wufei breathed a sigh of relief. "Thankyou. Peace."
"I wouldn't get too comfortable, if I were you. I think mighty 'King' Treize has been enquiring as to your whereabouts. What'd you do to get the leader of Oz so interested in you, huh? Anyway, he might send the guard after you, so watch your back. Bye!" With that, Duo waved cheerfully and shot up towards the surface, knowing full-well how upset Wufei was likely to be over the prospect of Treize stalking him using his resources as King. What made it even more amusing was the fact that Duo hadn't made it up; it was actually true.
Duo didn't entirely miss the expression of pure malice gracing the Chinese pilot's features as he left. The murderous glint in Wufei's eyes wasn't lost on him, either. Treize was really going to have his work cut out for him this time!
After ten minutes of fruitless attempts to get on top of one of the rocks jutting out of the sea, Duo was just about ready to stop trying and swim back below. Getting slammed into a hard, rocky surface repeatedly by the waves was painful, and just because he had endured a lot of pain before didn't mean he enjoyed it. The only reason he hadn't given up in disgust yet was that he really wanted to comb his hair, and that was impossible to do when said hair was floating above his head.
Eventually, however, Duo triumphed, finally managing to pull himself up onto the cold slippery stone and balance precariously while brushing his extremely long, wet, and tangled hair. It was excruciatingly uncomfortable, of course, and he was freezing, but it was better than nothing. Having almost fallen back into the water from his hard-won position during an encounter with a particularly nasty knot, Duo once more began fervently wishing he could go back to being human with all the warmth and dryness it generally entailed. He was not at all impressed with the effect the salt-water had had on his hair, either.
Vaguely, Duo began to wonder what the others were up too and whether they were feeling as miserable as him. He hoped Heero was. His mental death threats had become somewhat half-hearted and lacklustre by this point, however, as he had come to the realisation that should he attempt to massacre the Perfect Soldier, it would be he himself who would die. Besides, he was grudgingly forced to admit that there was indeed a possibility that it wasn't ALL Heero's fault, after all. Just a possibility.
Duo sighed, and temporarily forgetting his location, rolled over to stare at the clouds. The result was that this time, he really did fall unceremoniously into the sea with a large splash. He soon surfaced again, spluttering indignantly while he tried to remove the hair from his eyes and mouth as delicately as possible. He may have had an emotional attachment to his hair, but even he had to concede that there WERE sometimes drawbacks to it being so long. He'd have to leave it as it was for now.
Hearing a curiously loud noise that sounded almost party-like, Duo decided to check it out. Seeing a large ship, he began cheering, but stopped when a particularly big wave dumped on his head. He came up choking, which brought him to his somewhat dubious senses; the ship couldn't rescue him, and it was doubtful that he'd be invited to the party. Still, that didn't mean he couldn't spy on it for his own personal and slightly twisted amusement, did it?
Quatre bit his lip and shrank back into the shadows, praying to Allah that no one would notice him. He was used to social settings, of course, but this one was- different. It was louder and rowdier, for one thing. Then there was the fact that he didn't even know anyone at the party. Well, except for Trowa, but right now he wanted to meet Trowa even less than he did the strangers surrounding him. He didn't think he'd be able to deal with his fellow pilot in such an insecure mood. He may have appeared frail, but he was used to being both mentally and emotionally strong. Currently, this didn't really seem the case.
It wasn't that Quatre didn't like Trowa- he had actually realised a while ago that he had a crush on his mysterious best friend. It wasn't the most convenient thing that could have happened, sure, but Quatre knew that there was nothing he could do about it. He understood things like this more than most people did, and so had just learnt to deal with it. Sometimes, though, it was hard. Now, when he felt like running over and sobbing in Trowa's arms like a child, was one of those times.
Miserably, Quatre turned to stare listlessly out at the churning sea. There appeared to be a building storm. Just wonderful, now he could add sea-sickness to his list of growing complaints.
Looking at the sea made Quatre think of the rest of his friends. Briefly, he wondered if they were alright, but dismissed the thought. It would stuff up the story if anything happened to them this early. At least, he hoped so. This logic didn't really prevent him from worrying, but it was better than nothing. He knew even if something did go wrong he couldn't really help, and this too improved the situation slightly in a weird sort of way. At least he knew Trowa was safe, for now, at any rate.
Wearily, Quatre pressed his forehead up against the cool glass. He knew what was going to happen, of course. They were all familiar with the story. The question in this case is when it would take place. Reading a faerie tale was one thing; living it was another thing entirely.
Quatre fought back the irrational surge of jealousy he felt when thinking of how Duo would be the one to rescue Trowa from drowning. It was completely and utterly stupid. Duo hardly felt that way about Trowa, did he? Then again, the plot did call for it. Who knew how this would twist their emotions? Whichever way, the prince wasn't even meant to end up with the little mermaid in the original. He was supposed to end up with some otherwise irrelevant girl, instead.
In Quatre's eyes, that was even worse. Maybe he could deal with it if Trowa ended up with Duo, but not with a total stranger! Or worse- what if the girl was Relena? Or Lady Une, or Noin, or Dorothy, or- anyway, the list of what-ifs was endless, and it wasn't achieving anything aside from making his blood boil. He didn't often get angry, but when he did, it was rather scary. Just ask Trowa.
Quatre didn't even know what his role in the story actually was. For all he knew, he was completely redundant. Maybe his whole purpose in the story was to die, but that wasn't really a very pleasant thought. Alternatively, maybe they couldn't find a spare part so they assigned him a random character so he wouldn't feel left out. If so, then they shouldn't have bothered. He would have preferred to stay at home, and fully intended to inform the crazy scientists of the fact later. Then again, maybe it wasn't all that strange that he didn't know. Duo and Trowa were the only ones who did know what they were beforehand.
Quatre turned back to the party and plastered his usual sweet smile on his face, determined to join in but avoid Trowa if at all humanly possible. After all, if he was stuck here, he may as well have some fun. Only, the avoiding Trowa bit might be slightly hard. Considering that it was his birthday party and everything.
Trowa made his excuses as politely as possible to the obsequious aristocrat who was overflowing with pre-fabricated well-wishes and slipped through the crowd quietly, praying that no one else would recognise him. Being the prince had so far consisted of nothing aside from excessive boredom. Trowa was expected to socialise with an objectionable group of people he didn't even know. When taken into account that Trowa didn't usually like socialising all that much at the best of times anyway, it all combined to make a largely unpleasant situation. One in which he was stuck.
Duo might not have objected so strongly to being the heroine, had he known how thoroughly dull the male lead was to do. Then again, Duo might have enjoyed it. He would have most likely got extremely drunk and wrecked havoc, though, so it was probably just as well he wasn't near any alcohol. At least, Trowa really hoped he wasn't.
Thinking about Duo led Trowa to wonder where Quatre was. Nothing would have happened to him, would it? It was frustrating, not knowing what Quatre was doing or who he was meant to be. Anything could happen to him! The worst thing was, Trowa couldn't even think of which Quatre was likely to be. If it was the Disney version, he'd be Flounder, probably. Because he was so cute and little and… Yes, well. For that matter, Wufei would definitely be Sebastion. Trowa had to smile at that mental image. Duo would still be the Little Mermaid, but Trowa had no intention of informing him of this. He wasn't THAT suicidal. There was no place for him or Heero, come to think of it. Disney characters were either exceedingly happy or they were evil.
All of this speculation was pointless, however, and it was getting Trowa nowhere quickly. He had no idea which character Quatre was, and guessing would only serve to confuse him further. The only thing left to do was dodge the false congratulations of the strangers surrounding him and wait for the storm to begin. There was something singularly depressing in waiting for you own near-death, but at least it wouldn't actually kill him.
Next up: The suffering of Wufei! Where we see all his little antics as he tries to avoid 'King' Treize. ^ ^