Summary – The desk got whacked.
a/n – This is for the Silly Challenge.
Warnings – Er…not sure unless you count me being weird….
Whacked
It was one of those days.
He hated having one of those days. It was a nightmare on 21 Jump Street, except without to dude with the long claws and odd hair. One of those days that makes you just want to go back to sleep. Yup, I was having one of those days. I hated having once of those days, and now I am being repetitive and I hate doing that sort of thing.
But considering that four of my previous sentences consist of this – I suppose this is going to be the theme of my thoughts. It had all started that morning – I was okay this morning, I got out of bed, turned on the television to the local news station…and simply fell over. Now, if you have ever fell over, its rather painful. And I have been in many painful spots before. First there is the fact that my butt still hurts from where Penhall shot me. I do not want to think about that one, and second, there is the fact that there was a chair behind him, covered in honey and the remains of the feather duster. I don't know why it was destroyed, but it was and that's the end to that story.
Therefore, I was technically late to work because of the honey, it got into my hair (along with the feathers) and so it took a while to get my hair perfect. Now, no one knows this, but I am rather obsessed over my hair. The key to that my friends is conditioner, and you have to use the right sort otherwise it doesn't work. It makes your hair more manageable and easy to run your fingers through. I've had a lot of people say it's a nervous habit of mine. But it ain't…I mean, it isn't. Boy, I've been hanging out with Penhall too much lately. Which reminds me, he needs to borrow some of my conditioner, and that mullet is so Billy Ray Cyrus "Achy Breaky Heart" lame!
Either way, even with my tangents, I got to work and Fuller wasn't even mad at me. Well, I did call him and explained that…I had a bit of a fall…so…yeah…needed to stop the spinning or some other shit like that. But I am here, and I stole Iok's head. He hates it whenever someone picks it up and puts it someplace else. He ends up looking for it and going crazy. Me, I just wanted to be mean today – we do it every so often just to liven things up a bit. It's fun to watch.
"Oh no! The mullet of doom!" I cry as Penhall comes over to my desk. I shove the head into a bottom drawer and sit back in my chair.
"Very funny, and what are you? An Elvis wanna be?"
"Hey, at least Elvis is cool, unlike Billy Ray Cyrus who need some fashion sense; and you need some conditioner," I reply with a smile that just screamed I'm cooler.
Penhall looked to be about to kill me but..
"WHERE DID IT GO?" Ioke was having one of his tantrums. I pointed behind Penhall and his attention turned away from beating the shit out of me to laughing his ass off at Iok. Poor kid, did he honestly not know that we took it just to watch him go crazy and talk in that odd thing he always did? He told us before last Christmas that he was Japanese, now we know he is actually a Vietnamese, which is cool. Diversity is cool; However, it s just as cool to get Iokage to that point where he goes off in that language of his. We don't know what the hell he is saying but it is bloody hilarious! But he wasn't at that stage yet.
"Where did what do?" Penhall asked.
"That thing that always sits on my desk!" Ioke glared.
"Oh that thing…where did it go?" Penhall looked utterly confused.
"I. Do. Not. Know. Why.Don't.you.find.it!?"
"Oh, okay then," and Penhall decides to leave me along. Great, more mayhem to cause!
While Penhall and Ioke try to find that thing I so cleverly hid (yes, I am clever, kiss me arse! And do it in English!) and so, the next thing on my list is to report to Captain Fuller about the case. The Case is a big whoop de doo, because it include a dead celebrity and his daughter. I finally figured out that the dude that kill the dead celebrity also was gonna try to kill said dead celebrity's kid, and so I so cleverly saved the day, got a kiss from the hot chick (who was legal by the way) and get the bad guy. Not a bad days' work for knight in shinning amour if I may say so. And I do, so there, its even in writing…..okay, moving on.
Fuller, being his same old self, would rather yell out my name instead of letting me go to him. Of which I had hoped would be the circumstance today, but alas it wasn't and I was able to hear his dulcet tones as he sung my name. Either way, he was happy to hear that I had solved my case. He was about to give me another when we heard a commotion from outside, one that I had probably caused but….that's not the point.
This time it was Judy, she was enflamed. And I mean enflamed, one of those times where you just wanna run because she looks so scary. Yes, I want to run, I want to run so damned fast that you would never see me. The only evidence of my passing would be the dirt cloud I'd kick up from the speed I was going at. I wonder how fast that would be, cars can do that at eighty to ninety MPH. The fastest animal on earth is the Cheetah at Seventy miles…..hmmmm….I guess if I were half human half cheetah it would work….
"WHO THE HELL DID THIS!"
OOOOOHHHHH…..She is mad!
"Hoffs, what are you yelling at?" Fuller asked. I would never have guessed he was so brave, my Knight in Shinning Amour! (Okay, enough swooning, that's embarrassing besides I'm a guy…I don't think a guy can swoon. Unless he's a woos…Like Penhall!)
"Someone got chocolate sauce all over my files!"
"Ah, that would be Blowfish," I chimed in. She gives me that look and I hide behind Fuller; "He was having Ice Cream last night, I was finishing up I had nothing to do with it," I tried for a counter attack.
"BLOWFISH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Judy yelled. She threw down the papers that were beyond wrecked. She was going to go find him and kill him, I'm sure she was planning temporary insanity. I would, it's a great excuse. Just fool all the psychiatrists and your made!
"HOFFS! Calm down, I don't need to get one of my officers off on a murder charge," Fuller exclaimed. Hoffs looked steamed that she couldn't kill blow fish, but in the end she threw the papers away and started anew. Not that she was happy about it. I would know, Blowfish has done that to me a few a times. That was why I took to locking everything in my desk. That way he could only get it on the desk surface and it was so easy to get him to clean it up.
I tried to keep as straight a face as possible as I went to my desk and sat down, digging out my own papers, nothing much to do, just signing a few things and then I'd be done and assigned to another case. I hope it wasn't another cross dressing case, I hate cross dressing. Though, it would be funny to see Penhall in a granny dress.
As I sat there contemplating that fine day dream – when Ioke decided to attack me. I have no clue why he decided upon this course of action, but it certainty knocked me to the ground. Man, that hurt, the second time I found myself looking up at the ceiling and my headache was raging once again. It wasn't so embarrassing as this morning, but still, it was bad.
"What the hell was that for?"
Ah, this question seems to be a main theme in today's lectures. Always starts with a "What" and a "Hell" and ending in the word "for". Someone would think that we didn't have anything interesting to say. Of course, I am the only interesting person and that should count for something. After all, I got shot in the ass – how much more interesting can I be after that? Right, I can't.
"Give. It. Back!" Ioke said, shaking me.
"Right, and this will help find your shrunken head how?" I was able to get out.
"I WANT IT BACK!"
"Then get the hell off me!"
"WHY SHOULD I?"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO YOU BLOODY ASSHOLE!"
Right, this is how you get someone to listen to you. You call them names and even though you are on the bottom you should always, always be in charge. And so, Ioke gets off me and I get dizzily to my feet – only to fall over again. Penhall laughs in the background – but do I care? Nope, not a stitch, he's next….there is a granny dress in his dire future. Yes, I have the Inner-Eye….I wonder who's going to die?…(1)
When I am finally able to stumble back to my desk, I observe Ioke taking out his gun. He has never done this before…what is he up too? When I see him checking the chambers to see if all his bullets are in there – and close it – and then point it my way…
Yeah, I barley missed six rounds into my flesh. It went through my desk instead and into the wall behind me. Good thing I missed that death sentence and its also a good thing that I came up with a ulegy.
"Whacked by a nerd, how embarrassing"
A/N – Okay, that 1 is for Harry Potter. Think the Seer and you got where I got this from. I hope you liked. I'm not feeling like humor but I thought I got it. The end stinks because I have a lot of shitty things happen this week. The only cool thing is being summoned to Jury Duty. Nice!