Summary: The Leadership Coach pays a visit to Nura Rikuo. He's going to teach him the most important thing to become the Master of All Youkai: how to make his own harem. RikuoxHarem. Humor. Oneshot.
Discaimer: Nurarihyon no Mago and all of its characters belong to Shiibashi Hiroshi.
Additional notes: This is an experiment. It's the translation of my Spanish original, Nura Rikuo y el Entrenador de Líderes. It's not a literal translation. Some meanings have been lost and others have been added. Please, understand that this is my second fic, my first attempt at writing a fic in English and that English is not even my second language. Feel free to point out any mistake I could have made. After all, I also want to improve my language skills.
Coaching Nura Rikuo
Midnight, at the front door of Nura House
A mysterious man was approaching the large, old-style Japanese mansion. He was human, no doubt about that, but he wasn't afraid of stepping into the headquarters of the Nura Clan. He looked very elegant with his morning suit and was carrying a black briefcase under his arm. But his most identifiable trait was his big and bushy mustache, which he was caressing while singing a song to himself.
Suddenly, Kuroumaru, Tosakamaru and Sasami, the three tengu brothers, appeared out of nowhere and aimed their weapons at him.
"Halt!" shouted Kuroumaru, the elder brother. "Who are you, human? And what is your business with the Nura Clan?"
"I'm the Leadership Coach. I have a very urgent matter to attend to. I don't have time to waste talking to the underlings," he said. The man took another step forward. "If you don't bring me to your leader immediately, your puny youkai syndicate will be in great danger."
The garden
Rikuo was in his night form, sitting in the cherry blossom tree and enjoying the sight of the full moon, when the karasu tengus appeared with the so called Leadership Coach. The Third Head of the Nura Clan met them beneath the tree.
"Kuroumaru, Tosakamaru, Sasami, who is this human?" he asked.
Right after hearing his voice, the Leadership Coach opened his eyes wide, as if he had recognized his voice. Before anyone could stop him, he approached Rikuo and grabbed his shoulders.
"Lelouch!" the Coach exclaimed with a happy face. "What are you doing here? I thought you were still conquering Britannia. Why are you dressed as a samurai? And what about your hair? Is it some kind of new fashion among terrorist leaders or what?"
Rikuo shook off the strange man and looked at him angrily.
"I don't know who is that Lelouch you keep talking about and I don't care. You have only three seconds to explain yourself before I have my men throw you out."
The man's enthusiasm cooled down and he regained his manners.
"My apologies. Sometimes I get carried away. Lelouch was one of my most brilliant students and I forgot that I'm not in the same universe any more. Judging from your expression, Nura Rikuo, I would say that you don't know about our services, do you? Here, take a flyer."
Rikuo took a look at the piece of paper the Coach was handing him. He could read some colorful lines such as «The Fourth Wall Academy presents the new Leadership Training Courses For Main Characters», «Do you want to take over the world? Call us!», «First Lesson FREE!», «Offer not valid in Franco-Belgian comics», etc.
"All over the Multiverse there are some special people, people whose wills can shape worlds, and you, Nura Rikuo, are one of them. You already have the necessary ingredients: a missing father who died in tragic circumstances, a group of loyal followers with the prospect of a hidden traitor among their ranks, you acquire new powers that violate the Laws of Physics as the plot demands, and you have your own rogues gallery with villains such as rat thugs, oyabun wannabes and terrifying monsters who will only be defeated thanks to your force of will and the power of friendship" recited the mustache man with a salesman smile.
Poor Rikuo didn't understand anything. It was all Greek to him and he had never studied Greek. The only two things he understood were that the strange man was offering some kind of training and that the first lesson was free.
"Mm" the Third pondered while his three loyal karasu tengus were watching over his guest. "It's true that the Nura Clan faces new challenges every day. Sanmoto's Hyaku Monogatari Clan keeps attacking us and we also have to prepare for the final battle against the Nue and his minions. I won't turn down any help I can find."
"Does it mean that you will sign for our course?" the Coach took a bunch of papers and a fountain pen from his briefcase. He worked on a commission basis and wanted to have a hot meal. However, Rikuo stopped him.
"If your flyer doesn't lie, I have the right to a free lesson. Am I mistaken?"
"Of course, first lesson free" the Coach vigorously nodded his head. "As a gesture of goodwill, we will work on the thing you need the most. Your career is impressive, indeed, but you lack some necessary skills to become the Master of All Youkai."
The Third Supreme Commander of the Nura Clan frowned.
"What is it? Martial arts? Strategies of war? Internal clan politics? Resource management?"
"Girls," answered the Coach.
Inside the main house
"This is ridiculous," complained Rikuo.
He was sitting at the head of the large room where the board members of the Nura Clan had their meetings. Not that night, however. Instead of the advisers and higher-ups, Rikuo was accompanied by the Leadership Coach, the three tengu brothers and a bunch of screaming fans with banners.
"Who are those guys?" Rikuo asked to his new «master».
"Don't pay attention to them. The important thing you must learn is that no leader can be successful without his own harem. Everybody knows that, especially if you come from manga. The American superheroes tend to prefer to have their loved ones killed or retconned one by one, but you're a Japanese demon yakuza, so you're above common marriage traditions."
"Hey! Why are you talking about marriage so soon?" protested Rikuo, slightly embarrassed. "Have you forgotten that under this mature youkai form I'm only thirteen?"
The Coach laughed his ass off.
"Do you think anybody cares? The guy with the largest harem I've ever seen is only ten years old. That kid is a true Casanova, better than you, although you already have chicks who are crazy about you."
Rikuo blushed.
"That's not true! I would surely have noticed it."
"Unfortunately, it seems there's some kind of virus floating around Japan and making teenagers blind. Oh, well, never mind. I'm an instructor, not a critic."
The fans at the corner of the room grew impatient and started to make a lot of noise. It was the cue for the Coach to stand up and mark the beginning of the ceremony.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Japanese monsters and yakuza, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you to this magnificent event. We're here to know the answer to the long-awaited question of Nurarihyon no Mago: who will be the next Mrs. Nura? Let's start with the candidates!"
Total silence. A spotlight, installed somewhere in the room, illuminated the entrance.
"Although her real age is a mystery, she has followed Rikuo since he was a child. She's been there through thick and thin, always ready to help her beloved master. She's cute, hard-working and loyal till death. Ladies and gentlemen, OIKAWA TSURARA!"
A cheerful girl that Rikuo knew very well came into the room. Her multicolored hair and her kaleidoscope eyes were unmistakable. Wearing a smart furisode and her distinct white scarf, the resident Yuki-Onna made a spectacular entrance. The fans cheered and applauded wildly.
"Thank you very much!" smiled the adorable snow girl. "Rikuo-sama! How am I doing?"
"Tsurara?" Rikuo was surprised. "Is she one of the candidates? B-but..."
"Rikuo, Rikuo," the condescending Coach put a hand on his shoulder. "It's evident you don't have any experience with women. Even my aunt's neighbor's dog knows that your bodyguard is totally in love with you."
Even the karasu tengus nodded their heads, much to Rikuo's chagrin.
"Yes, I am!" Tsurara declared boldly, throwing herself into Rikuo's arms. "Day and night, I will always be by your side! For all eternity! I will work hard to be a suitable wife for the young master!"
"Tsurara, you smell of sake," pointed out Rikuo.
"Sorry, that was my idea," apologized the Coach. "The poor girl needed a bit of encouragement. It would be very sad if she ended like her mother. You know, Nurarihyon and Setsura made a very nice couple, but your grandfather preferred healer princesses to snow vamps. What a waste."
Rikuo gave him a murderous look while accommodating a half asleep Tsurara on his lap.
"For your own good, you'd better treat the next girl nicely."
"Is it nice to kidnap someone?" the Coach asked innocently.
"WHAT?"
There was an angry shout outside the room.
"Let me go, stupid youkai! I don't care if you're Nura Clan! If you don't bring me back to Kyoto right now, I will destroy you with my shikigami!"
"It seems that our next candidate didn't like her conditions of carriage, but nobody expected less from a true onmyouji. Despite messing up household chores everyday, there's no more talented warrior among the ranks of the Keikain House. Ladies and gentlemen, KEIKAIN YURA!"
The young black-haired onmyouji found herself thrown into the room. The fans didn't cheer her on as much as when Tsurara had appeared. Nonetheless, they applauded politely.
"What is the meaning of this?" Yura was still very angry. "Rikuo-kun! Why do they keep telling me that I'm going to be your wife?"
"Don't be so shy, Yura-chan," said the Coach. "Rikuo has saved your life many times and I'm sure your heart beats fast when he stares at you with his red eyes."
His words only served to enrage her further.
"No way! I hate youkai, especially that Night Rikuo! He's a liar, a jerk and a bully! The only one I like is Day Rikuo, because he's kind and..."
Suddenly, Yura realized what she had just said.
"Wait! That's not what I meant!"
The Coach pushed her into Rikuo's arms. Tsurara was still sleeping on the Third's lap.
"Yes, Yura-chan, we all love tsunderes. Next candidate!" said the mustache man.
A cute, brown-haired girl came into the room. She was terrified and didn't know where to look at. She was being booed by the fans.
Instead of announcing her, the Coach consulted his papers.
"Let's see. Ienaga Kana, thirteen years old, Rikuo's childhood friend, an ordinary schoolgirl, no known family, no friends outside Kiyo Cross Squad, no powers... Boring. She's not fit for a harem. I advise kicking her out of the series. Go away!"
Kana was still in the center of the room, alone and about to cry.
"I'm... I'm s-sorry, I don't want to be a burden." sobbed Kana.
"Don't worry, Kana. Come here," said Rikuo.
She sat alongside Yura and Tsurara, still crying. Then Rikuo faced the Coach.
"That was very cruel of you." complained the Third.
"I only speak the truth." the Coach defended himself.
"The truth? Don't try to fool me, old man. I've seen the Tsurara Fan Club giving you a wad of cash."
The mustache man faked a cough.
"Let's forget that matter for now. There are more candidates to review."
Rikuo was surprised.
"More candidates?"
"Of course! Those three are good to begin with, but your harem needs more variety, don't you think so? Maybe you don't know these other candidates very well, but let's take a look. C'mon, girls!"
The next one was a white-haired pretty girl with snake eyes. He wore the Ukiyoe School uniform. Rikuo tried to remember. When had he met that girl?
"You're Rinko, snake god Shirohebi's great-granddaughter, aren't you?"
Rinko smiled cheerfully.
"I'm glad you haven't forgotten me, young master, although I've only appeared in one manga chapter and one color page."
The Coach took a professional approach.
"Tell us about your strong points. Why should you be part of the Third's harem?"
"Because I'm an eighth part snake youkai (snakes are one of the sexiest animals, just behind foxes and cats, mind you!), because I'm a fan of the young master since he helped me regain my confidence, and because under this shy and vulnerable appearance, I'm filthy rich. For instance, I have my own limousine."
"Sold!" shouted the Coach. "Next candidate!"
Another girl wearing an Ukiyoe School uniform appeared in the room. She had cat-like eyes and sported a ponytail. She didn't pay attention to Rikuo or anyone else.
"Torii!" exclaimed Rikuo. "What are you doing here? Do you wish to participate in this twisted show?"
"What?" Torii Natsumi noticed Rikuo for the first time. "No, I'm just looking for Mr. Bamboo Hat Monk. Do you know where I can find him?"
"Your beloved Kurotabo is at the end of the aisle, third door on the right." The Coach spoke in a monotonous tone. "Please, don't interrupt us again. Next candidate!"
There was a deathly silence in the room when a black and white figure came in. Pure black eyes, black hair and black clothes enhanced the beauty of her white skin. The woman smiled smugly while her nine fox tails were keeping everyone at bay.
"Hagoromo Gitsune!" shouted Rikuo. He drew his katana as the girls stood ready for any attack.
The Leadership Coach stopped the young Supreme Commander.
"Please, calm down. Do you know how much did it cost to bring Hagoromo Gitsune back from hell?"
"She's our enemy!" protested Rikuo.
"Even better! Every harem needs its own bad girl. Besides, after what the Nue did to her, I'm sure she will be more than willing to pull a heel face turn." Rikuo wasn't convinced and the Coach called for help. "Say something, Hagoromo Gitsune."
The Kyoto youkai leader planted herself at the provisional harem and made room for herself between the angry Yura and Tsurara and the terrified Kana and Rinko.
"My name's Hagoromo Gitsune (Kuzunoha for friends,) and I'm hotter and sexier than all these kids put together. I have experience as wife and concubine for nobles and emperors, but I also can slice people in half and eat my enemies' hearts. Besides, I'm the only one who can lift the curse I put on the Nura Clan." She paused, thinking for another reason to join the harem. "I also like kissing girls."
"That's because you want to eat their livers!" pointed out Yura. She was a good onmyouji.
"Mere details," dismissed the evil kitsune.
The Coach rubbed his hands together.
"Things are progressing well. Now you have a decent harem, Rikuo. What do you think?"
"I think you're causing me more trouble than I need." answered the Third. He was trying to stop his girls from fighting each other. "Can we finish with the lesson now?"
"Are you serious?" The Leadership Coach was shocked. "The class hasn't ended yet. What about some yaoi? Poor Zen, Itaku, Kurotabo, Aotabo and Kubinashi deserve a chance, don't you think so? Or do you really want to discriminate against men? That's very cruel of you. Even though I was thinking of separating your human and youkai forms to see some hot Night on Day action..."
He stopped when he sensed the killer glares of Rikuo and his harem. Literal Fear was emanating from their bodies.
"Hey! Why are you all looking at me like that? What are you trying to do? Oh crap! Please, don't do that! NOOOOOO!"
Somewhere in the Multiverse, the Fourth Wall Academy
The managing director was going through some archives on his computer when a ragged wreck of a man entered into his office.
"I suppose you didn't manage to convince Nura Rikuo, did you?"
The Leadership Coach sighed.
"I've been stabbed with a katana, frozen into an ice cube, beaten by a paper doll, poisoned, had my face scratched, my liver taken from me and it seems that I will only be able to have children with South African bullfrogs."
"There are no bullfrogs in South Africa."
The poor man sighed again.
"At least your mustache is intact," pointed out the director.
"Thank Haruhi." The Coach caressed his beloved mustache. "What's my next assignment?"
The managing director handed him a photo of a yellow-haired boy dressed in orange.
"Do you like ninjas?"