Angel Rule Number 46: Glove Slap
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. I own the 100 rules for heaven though and any OCs from heaven such as the Angel Assembly and royal bodyguards. I finally own all characters from the Golden Land and the witch hunters Virtue and Jingle.
Summary: The Angel Assembly took the virginity test behind Pit's back and tested him negative resulting in some backlash between the higher-ranking angels and Pit. Of course due to Dark Pit being tested positive (also behind his back), the angels decide to get rid of Pit by forcing Dark Pit into a marriage with someone of a higher ranking that could knock Pit off his position. Angered that his twin was brought into this, Pit goes to Chrom and begs him to have his daughter married off to Dark Pit. Normally he would disagree but the angel suitors decided to spy on Dark Pit and caught him with Lucina…who they mistake for Marth…
Pairing: Lucina/Pittoo, Ike/Pit, Ganondorf/Palutena and Robin/Shulk with a joke of Marth/Pittoo
Rated: T (for teen)
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor, Friendship and Family
Warning: Swearing, gender bender jokes, forced marriage, violence and unintentional OOC
These ideas won't stop...coming. When I wrote angel laws for heaven (and I haven't posted them because reasons), one of the things Pit made clear in my mind is how he never wants to be on the receiving end of a glove slap, so have it happen to someone who he knows. Enjoy you Lucina/Dark Pit fans.
"Chrom, please allow Lucina to marry Pittoo, please!"
If it was anyone else that begged the king of Ylisse, Chrom would have threw that guy on the frontlines hoping they would never try to talk with his daughter anymore. This situation was different.
The person asking for one was not asking for Lucina's hand in marriage. In fact it was Pit that was on his hands and knees begging Chrom to allow his twin brother Dark Pit to be with her.
"…Even if you beg Pit…the answer is still going to be no…" Chrom responded feeling uncomfortable about how desperate the angel was after coming to him multiple times in the last couple of days. At first it started with Pit being casual about it before he started getting angry before being brought to this state.
"But this is really, really, REALLY important Chrom! The marriage has to happen zap!"
"But…you're not giving me the reason…"
"There's no time! Just say yes!"
"Pit!"
The voice of the Goddess of Light only cause Pit to flinch. He didn't move from his begging position in the presence of his Goddess. Palutena walked slowly toward the two (who were in the lounge on the second floor) appearing very rattled at how Pit was acting and for another reason.
"Pit…what did you do to the angels now?" She asked trying to keep her composure. The mask she was wearing was starting to crumble. "Stand up when you speak."
Pit obeyed as he immediately stood up even if his legs were shaking.
"I-It wasn't me this time Lady Palutena! I swear I did and said nothing to anger them like this!"
"Oh?"
"Can you two fill me in on what's going on?" Chrom asked rather annoyed with how his daughter is getting dragged into this without context of the situation. "I will say no until you tell me why my daughter has to be married to your twin."
Pit really didn't want to go into it. He just wanted to clear the situation up quickly, but if Palutena was here…
"…Those jerks did a stupid angel virginity test without my knowledge or consent…" Pit grumbled causing Palutena to gasp. She looked ready to laugh if he didn't continue. "This isn't funny Lady Palutena. You know how uptight we angels are about our virginity."
"You're not." Palutena said simply with her usual "pleasant" smile.
"Well excuse me if I enjoy having a fling or two…or five…"
This was getting awkward really fast so Pit quickly got back on the subject at hand. "Chrom, get your mind out of the gutter when I say virginity test. Some angels have powerful magic that allows you to see the "aura" around the angel. If you're a virgin, the aura is incredibly bright, but if not…"
"So it's like Lucario's aura then?"
"You can say that, but it's not visible to the naked eye and those with this magic power to test it allows them to peek into the sex life of angels. Most of the time, the angels in Helel are the one who checkup for health reasons once a year and are not allowed to give the information to anyone but family members if the situation is dangerous." He scowled at the thought. "It was stupid of me to let my guard around Friday. She's an Angel Assembly member and probably was ordered to use her magic when we weren't looking."
"This was last week, right?" Palutena asked. "When you two went to heaven for your daily royal bodyguard checkup?"
"Of course and to get some good food from Pepper! But anyway, it was only a few days ago where I got summoned by the Angel Assembly and they revealed that I was tested negative on the virginity test…and Pittoo was tested positive…"
"And what does that mean?" Chrom questioned still not understanding the problem.
"It makes me look bad!" Pit shouted. "Angels have a chastity belt around them! We cannot even think of having sex! If we get married, there is some leeway, but before marriage is scandalous! For someone in my position…it's really bad."
"Why?"
"I'm the captain of the royal bodyguards, the servant of Lady Palutena! The angels look to me as their role model! I can't afford to be breaking angel vows…"
"But all angels do. It's not a surprise." The Goddess of Light commented. "It's just a matter of not getting caught like you did Pit."
"But…what does that have to do with my daughter and your twin brother marrying?" Chrom asked again.
Pit let out a sigh before he continued his explanation. "Half the Angel Assembly hates me. It's a fact. Half of them don't even want to work with me like Valerie is doing…so they want to remove me from power."
"I wouldn't fire you Pit." Palutena said quickly. "Unless you betrayed me."
"Lady Palutena…this is an angel thing…so I wouldn't really have a choice to step down if I did something wrong in the angel's eyes. The point of the Angel Assembly is to prevent you or any of the angels working under you more authority than them…but it's just a power grab." Pit sighed again thinking about it. "Because I work under you, they have to go by the angel laws searching for them. If I break even one rule, they'll going to get me. I was stupid to shout that rule thirty-four would protect me."
Chrom's expression paled hearing that number. Pit grumbled seeing Chrom's face.
"Chrom, get your mind out of the gutter! Angel rule number thirty-four is, "You are not allowed to have sex in heaven. If caught, there will be a trial and you will probably be cast to hell for your lustful sins. If you're going to have sex, you do it in the human world. Angels should not have to clean up with your sinful acts on the street." Or something along that line."
The rule was incredibly solid because the rules stated that only in heaven would you get punished. This was Pit's way of getting around the other rule he broke…
"Pit…if they overruled rule thirty-four, what was the one you broke?"
"…Rule thirty-five…"
"And that is?"
"Age of consent in heaven is generally 1800. Anything below that is considered rape and will be treated as the worse crime committed."
"But Pit…you're 2499…"
"…They traced it back to when I first lost my virginity…under 1800." Pit couldn't even look at Palutena when he said that. She noticed that he lost the color in his eyes for a moment. "It may not have been heaven when that happened, but this applies to all angels regardless of where you are."
"You're still not answering me about my daughter and-"
"Argh, shut up Chrom! I heard you the past couple of times! The reason I asked you was because the Angel Assembly want to remove me by going after Pittoo. I may have lost my virginity, but he still has his. They told me they would pardon my sin if Pittoo married any of the single angels in Skyworld…but again that's just a power grab. If Pittoo marries any of those rich assholes, they'll just use that as blackmail material to force me to stop working under you Lady Palutena…"
Everything was making more sense but…
"Huh, you make it seem like Dark Pit is being married off to some random guy…"
"HE IS!" Pit shouted. "I WON'T ALLOW IT!"
Palutena was slowly starting to realize how serious the situation was. It appeared comical at first, but there was a political struggle going on after all. Pit hid it so well that she laughed it off, but now it had escalated to this.
"I know how the Angel Assembly is. They'll probably select Gaston to be the one Pittoo marries. If it's him…" He shivered thinking of the worse possible scenario. "I don't want to think about it."
"But can't you just say no?"
"Chrom, I tried that." Pit murmured as a response. "They are adamant about me losing my spot. Unless Pittoo is already married to someone else with proof, then he'll be forced into an unhappy marriage. So I went around Smash Brothers Mansion asking anybody if they can marry Pittoo…not just Lucina…" The angel looked away ashamed admitting that he would throw his twin brother to anyone. "Nobody took me seriously and laughed it off. I mean…yeah I forgot Marth was engaged to Caeda, but he didn't have to make me look like a buffoon…that's when I realized that Lucina would be perfect for Pittoo, so I went to you first before I go talk to them."
Chrom felt his eyebrows twitch at this. Palutena just sighed in defeat realizing how stupid her captain was.
"Pit…did you just admit that you didn't even tell Pittoo of the situation? And that he was just going to wake up one day and find out he was going to marry Lucina if Chrom said yes?"
"Uh…"
"Pit," Palutena began, "I know you're in a state of panic, but you got to think this through. There is more than one way to get those Angel Assembly members off your back. Perhaps you can-"
"Lady Palutena, the last thing I need is for you to step in and make everything worse." He told her rather harshly. "I don't want you to get any backlash for helping me deal with my problem."
Taken back by her servant's words, Palutena was forced to concede.
"You know I'm not going to say yes now after your explanation." Chrom reminded the white angel. "This is your problem with your angel race and I'm not going to have my daughter thrown into this because of a mistake you made."
"It's not even a mistake! They're just cherry picking a minor incident of my past! That happened over 500 years ago!" Pit was going to go back to begging now knowing Chrom had disapproved of the idea with the revelation. "Come on Chrom! It's not even about me! It's about making sure Pittoo doesn't get screwed over. You'll lend a helping hand to him at least, right?"
In all honesty, Chrom would say no to that. Lucina was still his daughter even if this one was from the future. He noticed that the dark angel had an obvious crush on his daughter. She apparently was oblivious to his crush and he was going to keep it that way. The marriage would make her realize the implication of his feelings even if Dark Pit was unaware of the situation at hand.
Unfortunately for Pit, there were Smashers that were listening in on the conversation. Before Pit could say anything else, the Smasher in the center of all of this burst in with the expression of a demon mask ready to chew Pit out for his stupidity.
"Oh crap…Pittoo…"
"That's Dark Pit, you idiot! And you weren't going to tell me anything about this?!"
"Dark Pit, calm down."
Lucina was the other Smasher that overheard the conversation and was equally annoyed with Pit, but lashing out at him wasn't going to solve anything.
"Calm down, why should I calm down Luci?! This jackass is going to force me to commit to some ugly person I haven't even met in heaven!"
"Umm…that's why I'm kind of trying to get you married with anyone else in Smash." Pit grumbled feeling the irritation level rise.
"Like your Goddess said! I was going to wake up one day and be forced into a wedding! Why would you do that Pitstain?! Why didn't you even tell me that virginity test was a thing?!"
"Well…it wasn't going to be important if you weren't sleeping around…"
"But that's the base of this whole marriage?!"
Dark Pit was obviously embarrassed that angels actually determined if you had sex or not. He was slightly jealous of Pit who had more experience in the field and could sleep with anyone without any romantic ties. Dark Pit wanted to try that, but found that he would be betraying himself if he copied the original, so he was going to sleep with the person he liked and be committed instead of whoring himself out to some random people. This was probably the one thing that Pit and Dark Pit would never agree on.
"Pit, let those idiot angels know that you don't get to speak for me! I will not get married to whoever they choose and they can't make me!"
Pit's expression darkened letting out yet another sigh. "Pittoo…it's not that easy."
"Why not?!"
Pit looked toward Chrom again with puppy dog eyes. "Chrom, please let Lucina marry Pittoo! She's manly enough for those angels to get off his back."
Because of his desperation, the words came out wrong. Palutena just facepalmed as Lucina went over to the captain and smacked him on the cheek. If it was a little stronger, she would have smacked him into the wall with more than just a red hand stain on his face.
"…Not once have you asked for my opinion, Pit."
"…You would have said no…" Pit mumbled.
"Exactly! How dare you suggest me because of a reason like that! You make it seem like a woman isn't good enough for Dark Pit!"
Well this was getting personal really fast.
"Well…kind of…all the angel suitors are men because of Pittoo's frame so…"
"Unbelievable…"
Without giving Pit to explain himself anymore (and thus digging his hole deeper), Lucina stormed out of the room. It amazed Palutena that Lucina was angrier than Pittoo since at the very least she wasn't at the center of the problem like the dark angel was forced to be. Said dark angel glared at his twin before chasing after the female lord. Chrom wanted to pursue her but perhaps talking more about it with Pit and Palutena was the better solution.
"Lucina, wait!"
Going to her room wasn't an option. Robin was probably inside having a one on one conversation with her brother about something he wanted to speak to her about. Lucina respected the two enough to leave the room the whole day no matter what came up so the best place to go was the garden to loosen up.
"I'm sorry about Pitstain." Pittoo apologized as he managed to catch up with her. "I didn't know about this forced marriage thing…"
"No…I didn't expect you to know. I noticed that Pit has a bad habit of not telling you anything until its too late."
"You think?"
The two ended up sitting on the nearby bench in the flower garden in front of the platinum colored fountain. Dark Pit made sure to keep a small distance from the female lord. Truth be told, he might have had a small crush on her, but forcing the marriage was enough to push the idea away until things calmed down. He was still tempted to lean against her shoulder like he normally did when they were alone. She didn't mind a bit and sometimes she would put her hand around him when she thought he was asleep.
"Dark Pit, do you intend to get married?" Lucina suddenly asked breaking the silence. This was really bugging her…
"No way." Dark Pit responded almost immediately. "I'm independent! I don't need anyone holding me down!"
It was obvious he was trying to mimic the voice of Little Mac's trainer Doc Louis. The accent made him want to try it out, but in a situation like this, the joke fell flat (not like Lucina would have laughed anyway. She lacked a sense of humor.)
"…In all seriousness…I'm not ready…" The black angel mumbled to the Ylissean princess. "I haven't been around for long. Pit is almost at a fourth of his life in angel years, but me? I only have three…and I lost most of it sleeping because of the Chaos Kin."
"Dark Pit…"
"Maybe in a couple hundred years I'll be interested at the concept of marriage, but right now, it's just a pain the ass."
Lucina frowned at Dark Pit's harsh words on marriage. A little part of her wished that he would at least consider it, but at the same time, this was a marriage without love he was being forced into.
"…If the concept of a soulmate is true, I'll find him or her eventually."
"…You don't care about the gender?"
"Pit doesn't. Angel society doesn't care either…but they do care about race."
"Hey, Pittoo!"
"Speak of the devil…" Pittoo growled hearing the voice of his twin. Didn't Pit have better things to do like convincing Chrom to force him to marry the female lord he respected? "What do you want?"
Pit must have been running around the mansion searching for the both of them because he was exhausted. Either that or Palutena gave him a serious smack down that wore him out. It hadn't been that long after all.
"Pittoo…I really am sorry for not telling you…and you too Lucina."
"Uh-huh…whatever Pitstain."
"…You're really mad at me."
"Hell yeah I'm mad at you! I'm being dragged into something because of your stupidity! Why do I have to be the fall guy? Is it because I'm a-"
"Don't finish that sentence because that's the last thing that's on their mind."
"Then why…they never paid any attention to me anyway. I'm the guy who is tasked with befriending demons and making sure the Underworld doesn't try anything funny anymore…"
There was some truth to that. Pit didn't want Dark Pit to be tied into the politics of the royal bodyguards and Angel Assembly. If you looked at the ranking system of the royal bodyguards, one could see that there was a special reason why Dark Pit was not Pit's number two and placed at number five. Rank two was the vice captain of Pit in terms of paperwork (and not battle strength). Rank three is directly tied to the Angel Assembly and rank four is the healing division. This left rank five to be the demon division where the only thing Dark Pit had to do was keep the relationship between angels and demons steady. Dark Pit's vice captain was a spider demon…the only demon in heaven named Arachne and they got along very well to show that Dark Pit was capable of such a task. This allowed him to be left alone for the most part in heaven, but with this revelation that Dark Pit was a pure angel unlike the captain everyone idolized, he was suddenly there target in this power struggle.
"That's why I'm really sorry…if I could think of a plan to where they wouldn't come after you…"
"Pit," Lucina began still angry with the white angel, "is being married to someone else really the only way to stop them?"
"Well…not really." Pit admitted. "There are three ways so far. You can either submit to them and they'll leave you alone, but that's the worse case scenario. You can marry someone else to get them off your back or…" Pit's expression darkened. "If you lost your virginity now then they would lose any interest in you…but even that's too risky given how they'll abuse the amount of years you've been around to say you broke the angel laws."
"Argh…why are there so many angel laws?! Its not like anyone obeys them anyway!"
"I really wish Valerie would just change them…" Pit grumbled. "If only I could read then I could recite the exact changes. If I can't read the text, then I won't be able to notice if they changed the rules or not."
"Yet, you seem to know the rules very well." Lucina brought up remaining skeptical at Pit's explanation.
"I had those rules drilled into my head as a kid growing up." Pit admitted with a sigh. "If you didn't remember all hundred of them, you were in big trouble. The Angel Assembly back then would abuse those rules so as a citizen; you had the right to know your rights. Sure most of them are obvious ones like don't steal or don't murder but then the later ones start becoming more nitpicky and easier to abuse. Fortunately, I know there is a loophole to this forced marriage, but I was just lucky that when I got my own suitors off my back that they wouldn't mess with me again."
"Huh? You had suitors too?" Dark Pit asked in disbelief.
"Yeah…for the same reasons as you. The Angel Assembly as you already know Pittoo have power hungry members. My position is the captain of the royal bodyguards therefore I am the closest to Lady Palutena. They don't want Lady Palutena ordering them around, but they don't have any problem using her as a scapegoat for anything they do wrong. It's my job to make sure that never happens…but because of my age back then, they wanted to force me into an arrange marriage."
"…Why is marriage a power grab in heaven?" Lucina had to ask really starting to lose her temper again at the subject. "Aren't angels supposed to be giving their blessings to others and treasuring love themselves?"
"Not in Skyworld." Pit admitted. "Maybe in Celestia but not in the capital of heaven where it's only used to move up the ladder. Age and status is incredibly important to those rich assholes. If I got married back then when during that time when your age had you forfeit your power regardless of accomplishment, it was a way to prevent any youthful individual from standing out and stealing their position. When I said I got lucky back then, I meant it. I asked Virtue to fake our engagement and everything. Lady Palutena was not happy that out of all the people I chose to fake my love for, it was bug boy."
Dark Pit blinked before he tilted his head in confusion. He felt like there was a huge contradiction in Pit's story, but chose not to bring it up. He could feel a pain in his heart when Pit was talking about the incident. If Pit was lying, then he was being a damn good liar.
"Pittoo, I'm not lying about the fake relationship if that is what you're thinking."
"No…but you're lying about your age and the timeline this occurred."
"Anyways, because I asked Virtue in particular to help me out, the angels ended up being too chicken to deal with bug boy. Virtue is the strongest witch hunter in the universe, so challenging him would be stupid. Just like that, the suitors didn't nag me again even if we went back to fighting afterward. To them, I already lost my virginity just from seeing him, but I always made sure to never take the virginity test in the eyes of the Angel Assembly. I always asked Isaak's mother to help me do it, so she can keep the information private every year…and believe me, I did a good job for keeping it a secret for over 500 years. Only now is it becoming an issue with them…it pisses me off so much."
For a second, a light bulb went off in the dark angel's head at Pit's mostly true story.
"Wait…a mock wedding got you out of the situation."
"Yeah…"
"Do you think that would work instead of a real one?"
"…I don't know really. It worked once, but the Angel Assembly isn't stupid to be fooled twice. Remember, they're more furious at the age I lost my virginity rather than the fact I had sex. Even if you have a mock wedding, they'll be demanding proof and might demand you perform the act in front of them, so at least they have documented evidence of the event."
Lucina really didn't like that these angels were control freaks. Dark Pit was equally uncomfortable especially at the thought if they demanded that he performed the sacred act in front of them with someone he didn't even know or like.
"Pittoo, this is why I think the best solution is an actual marriage. A marriage with a ring, a ceremony and everything because at the very least, you can have a sexless marriage if its with someone like Lucina."
Pit needed to stop insulting Lucina even if he was trying to appeal to his younger twin. Appealing to both of them was important though…
"If you refuse them outright Pittoo, they will pursue you relentless. They will not stop until you surrender and say yes to their demands. This is how the Angel Assembly is when they have such a strong thirst for power."
"And it's your fault I'm in this situation…"
"…I'm sorry Pittoo."
"You know what Pitstain, I'm going to have you to go back to them. You can tell them to go fuck themselves because I'll never agree to their demands. I'm staying single and I will not be tied down because they think they run the heavens! I am Dark Pit, servant to no other than my own and even if I were to get married, no one in heaven is worthy of me!"
Pit gave a small smile at Dark Pit's spunk, but it would take more than just courage to deal with these persistent assholes. Sure Pit had half the Angel Assembly on his side because anyone who worked under Valerie would be more sympathetic to his cause. However the fact that Friday who was under Valerie was the one who outed him showed that not even the judge had absolute authority over the lower members.
"…Fine…but you probably won't be getting any good results for those words."
"I don't care. They're going to have to drag me back up there, force me in that stupid wedding dress and force me to say those holy vows if they want me to comply with them!"
Pit let out a huge sigh of defeat as Dark Pit got up from the bench and left. Lucina didn't want to speak to the white angel still and followed after the red eyed angel.
"Great…things are just going to get worse now…woe is me…"
Dark Pit had no idea what he was in for when he ordered Pit to tell the Angel Assembly to forget marriage plans. As long as Dark Pit had fighting power in him, he would resist all the way. Resistance didn't mean a thing to these angelic suitors who went straight to work with the wooing…and they were using the oldest trick in the book.
Now Dark Pit had to admit that he liked being showered with gifts. In Smash Brothers Mansion where he got the most hate mail for being a clone of Pit and should just quit because no one liked him and he wouldn't win the tournament anyway, it was nice to get some positivity from fans every now and then. This was not one of those situations where the angel suitors obviously didn't care about him and just gave him things that was used to woo people. This ranged from chocolate that he would give to Pit or Kirby or roses (that he simply smashed up because he wasn't interested in the red color. If they gave him black roses that would be another story entirely.) He got a lot of love letters to that were factually incorrect about him and treated him more like a female object of desire instead of his own male character. Pittoo swore that these angels were dumb as hell if they thought that these presents were going to make him happy.
Happiness didn't seem to be their top priority nor was the quality important to them. The plan was to keep sending his presents until he got buried in their "affection" to the point that Pittoo would beg for them to stop and marry them. It was such a demon tactic that the dark angel had to admit that these angels were capable of being slick.
It would get to the point though where throwing them in the trash wasn't going to do much for the angel twin's room when it started piling up to the point they would have to swim through the gifts. Wario would take some of the more expensive items that Pittoo was receiving but other than that, it wouldn't make much of a difference if Kirby ate everything because they would not stop even at night (and the pink vacuum wasn't going to remain awake 24-7).
Dark Pit nagged Palutena to get the angels to stop, but she could not interfere with the angel conflict like Pit said before. It made Dark Pit wonder how she expected to govern an angel city if she couldn't stop something as simple as using her magic to send all of these gifts into a black hole.
"Uh…how many suitors are there? There is no end to these annoying gifts!" Dark Pit complained as he was shuffling through all the stupid love letters that said the same thing. He swore that some of these letters were typed allowing him to classify it as spam.
"101 suitors." Pit said as he took the white chocolate in one of the chocolate boxes and plopped it into his mouth.
The crimson eyed angel could not believe his ears. "101?!"
Dark Pit was so loud that every Smasher could hear the magic number ring throughout the mansion. Some Smashers were close to the door so they jumped at the number rather than how loud the dark angel was.
"I told you Pittoo that they're relentless with the numbers. Even if only one of them can marry you, it won't stop the other hundred from coming after you and submit to their whims."
"Ridiculous…absolutely ridiculous…"
"You know, if you just marry Lucina or anyone in the mansion…or lose your virginity you could probably get them off your back."
"And I will continue to say fuck that and fuck them. I made a vow, and I'm not breaking it because of what you did, Pit!"
"I didn't do it willingly…" Pit grumbled throwing the box into the nearby trashcan before proceeding to push out as much of the romantic crap out the door. "Besides, you can avoid it all together if you gave up your chastity belt."
"Nope! Never! I'll give it up on my own terms!"
Pit shook his head annoyed how stubborn his little twin brother was being before working his way through the pile of chocolate.
Outside, Lucina intended to check up on the dark angel before hearing that outburst. Her expression became rather sour with the huge number of angels going after the black angel. He already said no, so why did they keep trying to push him into marriage into one of them? Was this what it meant to try and force an arranged marriage? She grumbled at how this wouldn't pass well in her world. An S support after all was built by trust but if these angels think they could just skip the entire process and go straight to the marriage and sex, they were in for a long, disappointing ride and for that Lucina was glad that Dark Pit continued to resist despite the trash he was being sent.
So when the gifts weren't giving the suitors any results with Dark Pit not surrendering to them, they went with plan B and that was to harass him in person. This went as well as you would expect.
Dark Pit was finally able to see the type of people that wanted to marry him and he wasn't impressed with their looks. Most of the suitors were burly older men that were way past their prime. These angels never married and only got laid by going to the human world to have sex with prostitutes while having the balls to claim the moral high ground. This was made worse how they had no idea how to act around someone they wanted to spend the rest of their life with.
Pit swore that this was starting to become a Ranma ½ comedy where these suitors started crashing through the window declaring their love for Dark Pit and demanding he marry them. Because Dark Pit said no, they would sometimes resort to trying to tackle him to the ground. The light angel wondered what they would achieve by using this because Dark Pit had every right to smack them in the face and send them flying. This was a trend for the next couple of days forcing Dark Pit to keep his guard up and overall not sleep. He was exhausted from deflecting their advances and it affected many Smashers in the mansion. Pit and Mr. Game and Watch probably suffered the most with him. The former had to witness his dark twin get constantly harassed and often stayed up with him to protect him while the latter was the one in charge with repairing the windows. He constantly beeped whenever this occurred and he was turning red the more he had to fix the same window. R.O.B. and Megaman were nice to assist him, but he was at his limit.
Alas Dark Pit probably needed to thank Pit when things finally got out of control. He hated how his light twin was being overprotective of him over this whole marriage situation, but in a situation where falling asleep could have him wake up without his virginity was terrifying to say the least.
What happened was that the dark angel was resting in the garden after a tiresome Smash battle. It was a one on one match with Diddy Kong. He was already exhausted so he lost the match because Diddy Kong couldn't stop doing the "HOO-HAH". As he was resting on the bench waiting to meet Lucina again, the angel suitors greeted him. Now they weren't that smart as they often came in groups of five. That was a low number that Pittoo could handle without breaking a sweat. Now, at least sixty-nine suitors were crowding the garden stepping on the Pikmin that were loafing around.
"Pretty clone, come with us. We'll be gentle."
Dark Pit was disgusted how they weren't hiding how little they cared about him if they were going to address him as a clone. This was what pissed Pittoo off the most. There was no respect or love in their attempts at wooing him and they just wanted to get in his pants and get back at his older twin.
Pit just happened to be walking in the garden with Sonic joking about the movie they went to see outside the mansion. The captain's temper already flared seeing the suitors gang up on the dark angel without allowing him any breather room.
"Hey, what are you angels doing? Get back to work in Skyworld!" Pit ordered as he walked toward them.
"Oh captain!" One of the angel suitors shouted not really happy seeing the biggest obstacle walking toward them. "Tell your clone that he needs to marry one of us."
"No, he's not going to marry any of you!" Pit shouted. "You guys have no style or any grace!"
"This isn't the time for the DK Rap…" Sonic mumbled behind his angel friend.
These suitors didn't want to mess with their captain, but one of them was dumb enough to overstep his boundaries when he went over to Pit and punched him in the face knocking him to the ground. Dark Pit and Sonic were horrified at what one of the suitors did. The other suitors all gasped at what their idiot friend did. Pit was probably just as shocked at what that angel just did to him. The fire in his eyes lit up as he immediately stood up taking his bow and turning it into two blades.
"Oh…hell no…you did not just attack the captain of the royal bodyguards you ugly brute…" He growled as he resisted the urge to actually impale the angel but instead charged him and headbutt the suitor knocking him and a couple other suitors down like bowling pins. "YOU DID NOT JUST ATTACK ME, YOU STUPID BRUTE! KNOW YOUR GOD DAMN PLACE IN ANGEL SOCIETY!"
It was an all out brawl in the garden after that. The suitors didn't seem to care they were attacking the captain they were supposed to be serving made worse how Sonic and Dark Pit got pulled right into it despite Sonic's best efforts to actually get the dark angel out of the tight situation. Sonic ended up impaling a lot of the suitors with his spikes and Dark Pit ended up saying, "Fuck it!" and jumping in to punch the assholes who had been giving his life a living hell for the past couple of days. This was made worse when things got chucked at the window. A rock Pikmin apparently got thrown all the way to the fifth floor shattering the window the Goddess' were in and hitting Palutena in the back of the head when she was trying to do her hair in front of the mirror. Rosalina backed away almost immediately seeing the anger in her eyes as Palutena warped away from her chair and into the middle of the fray. All angels seized when Palutena used her magic to send them all flying making sure that her magic didn't blast the three Smashers.
"…Who threw that rock Pikmin?" Palutena asked glaring at the three Smashers and the few suitors who didn't get sent back to heaven. "I'm not that angry."
"L-Lady Palutena…" Pit mumbled looking at the red bump that was on her head.
"That's a big bump." Dark Pit exclaimed making Pit curse at how blunt he is.
"I know, Pittoo. That's why I'm going to crush whomever threw that rock Pikmin."
"Didn't you just say-"
"Pittoo, please!" Pit shouted as he rushed over to cover his mouth. "L-Lady Palutena, it was obviously one of the suitors that did that…"
"…They all need to leave." She murmured darkly at the ones who didn't get blown away. "Never come back unless you want to invoke my wrath."
The suitors didn't want to leave without Dark Pit but while they could get away with sucker punching Pit, they couldn't fight the Goddess of Light. Immediately they all turned tail and flew away back to heaven.
"I'm going to tell Sun-Wong to write your asses up for that when I get back!" Pit screamed at them. "No one attacks the captain unprovoked! No one!"
Sonic just whistled as he went over to the bush and put the rock Pikmin he had in his hands away. They were the most resilient to all the pain unlike the other Pikmin so it was a good plan at the time to throw them.
"…Pit…Dark Pit…are you two okay?" Palutena asked not bothering to ask if the blue hedgehog wasn't injured due to her knowing that he probably was the least injured due to being a spiky hedgehog.
"I just have a bruised face and ego…" Pit responded. "Those rich jerks…how dare they do that to me…"
"What about you, Dark Pit?"
"…I want those suitors to leave me alone." He answered darkly. "I don't want to get married! Do they not know that "no" means "no"? I'm sick and tired of them treating me like some object!"
Pit was going to bring up how it's not too late for him to ask Lucina to marry him. Dark Pit again rejected the offer and reminded Pit that treating Palutena's bump was more important than the situation at hand. With his white knight side activating, Pit ordered Sonic to help him get Palutena back to her room despite not needing the assistance. Once alone, Dark Pit would soon here Mr. Game and Watch enter the garden and flip out again at the damage caused.
I think…I should talk to Lucina about the marriage after all.
Later that evening, Dark Pit managed to get a message past to Lucina to meet him in the park of Smashopolis. Smashopolis was the metropolis outside of Smash Brothers Mansion that most Smashers tended not to go to due to everything they would ever need being delivered to them. This was the place where people from all over the universe came to watch the tournament. It was a huge tourist place owned by Master and Crazy Hand. They had many partners working with them. One was a powerful demon that Dark Pit had to communicate with due to his job as the fifth seat of the royal bodyguards to dealing with demons. This demon always scared him, but he seemed like a swell guy, so Dark Pit refused to think much of it.
Regardless, Smashopolis was still a great place to get away from. The only problem was how long it took to get there by bus that usually if someone needed to go, they would ask Sonic to do the errand for them or ask someone like Bowser to drive them in the Bowser Mobile. Otherwise the three Miis that participated in Smash matches for training purposes would take turns driving to Smashopolis and back.
Dark Pit went first after making sure Lucina got the message to relax. The city was so big that there was no way those suitors would find him. Smashopolis had everything one could ever want. An arena that hosted the Smash matches, a mall where you could buy anything you wanted and even the trade-center that allowed for buying, selling and trading items from all over the universe. Dark Pit was always amazed at all the different type of people that were around from people from the Mushroom Kingdoms, to humans and even demons. Heck, there were some Homs that managed to make it here and were having a blast. While Dark Pit didn't like crowded places, he blended in with the crowd looking like a demon.
The dark angel would waste some time before the designated time at 9:00 PM to meet up with Lucina at the park. In the daytime, the place was always crowded with different types of people. You didn't know what would happen if you were here. Dark Pit knew that Sonic came here a lot to relax. This was one of the few places that felt like Mobius to the blue wonder. At night, everything became quiet as the lights came on. Most of the night owls would come out and strange people would be walking around. Dark Pit kept his guard up in case the suitors tried to ambush him now.
Lucina was fine though especially when she came wearing her mask. The female lord realized that she did better not drawing any attention with the mask on in contrast to Pittoo who just seemed to not be noticed by anyone in the crowd. He waited for her on the bench as she took a seat right next to him.
"What did you need Dark Pit?" She questioned removing the mask so he could see her face better.
"To complain! What else would I call you here for?" Dark Pit answered honestly.
There were many other things that Dark Pit could have called her hear for such as disgusting future Smash battles, a date or a love confession. Besides the former, the latter two were out of the question given how immature the dark angel was.
"…Was it about what happened this afternoon with Pit?" Lucina asked as she took a seat right next to him.
"Yeah…"
"Pit wasn't giving me much detail of the event. What happened?"
"Those damn suitors…they have no respect for me or Pit! Who the hell did they think they were trying to kidnap me? Who the hell did they think they were for punching Pit like that?! They were lucky the Goddess showed up or they would have eaten my fists!"
When he said that, he pumped his fist into the air. Lucina listened carefully to his words as Dark Pit sat back into the bench.
"This is so ridiculous…" He growled. "At this rate…someone really is going to get hurt…and they'll blame me for it…the last thing I need is for them to resort to more drastic actions."
Lucina's eyes widened imagining the worse. "Are you…"
"No! I will not submit to them! But…" He let out a sigh of defeat before glancing at his own feet. "I…considered Pit's story about the mock wedding…"
"I was certain it was just mock dating." Lucina corrected.
"Yeah…I guess…but that's the only thing that comes to mind to get them out of my hair." He nervously glanced over to the female lord examining her expression. He needed to be careful at what he said now. "Luci…do you think it would be possible if you could help me…I mean…you don't want to get married like me, and you don't want to be involved but I…"
"Of course I'll help." She answered without hesitation. "How could I not help a friend?"
Those words stung a bit, but she gave him her approval immediately.
"Then you'll tell Chrom about the plan and…"
"He won't be happy…but he needs to play along."
The crimson eyed angel noted the aggravation in her voice. When he attempted to observe her face, Lucina was quick to put her mask back on. Dark Pit frowned wondering if Lucina was really okay with this idea. Did she think it was going to backfire or did she…
Lucina stood up hearing the rustling in the bushes. Taking Falchion, she intended to go see who was spying on them, but by the time she went over to the location, there was nothing there but white feathers.
"Luci, what is it?" Dark Pit asked not hearing anything. He must have been distracted.
"…It's nothing." She told Dark Pit as she continued to look around the park. "…Let's get back to the mansion."
There wasn't anything else to say. The dark angel slowly followed after the taller female unaware that there were some angel suitors around who witnessed the conversation and assumed the worse.
"We must tell Gaston." They all said in union as they flew off after the two Smashers left the park.
Me: TBC with 8921 words.
Li: I thought it was going to be a one-shot, not a multi-chapter fic.
Me: That was the intention but this story is already over 20k and I don't think people want to sit through an entire story in one sitting and come back to where they left off, so what I decided was to split it into three chapters (and no its not in the Super Smash Galaxy series). Notes!
1. There are 100 Angel Rules but I don't even need to think of them all. I have enough to go by for how I treat angels, but an FYI that only a few of them will be brought up constantly.
2. Pittoo's favorite flower being the black rose is a reference to Fallen Angel where the reason why he sent those threatening letters to Pit with a black rose was because it was his trademark flower. Isaak picked that up and wanted to give that to him as a birthday present.
3. 101 suitors is a reference to Wonderful 101 obviously.
4. Hoo Hah is basically what was said at Apex2015 every time Diddy did a down throw to up air combo. It gets boring quickly and makes Diddy cheap when used constantly.
That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!
UPDATE: So I was asked about how exactly the Virginity Test worked. I wanted to keep it vague intentionally, but I think the solution actually isn't as perverted as Pit makes it out to be.
If you recall in Uprising, there is a weapon called the palm. One palm is called the Virgo Palm. The palm items are tattoos that attach itself to the body of whomever is using it draining the energy from the person in exchange for shooting out energy. I interpret this as draining the life energy of a person in exchange for powering up one portion of the body as the palm doesn't have to be on the arm. It can be on the leg, the head or even the butt.
The Virgo Palm in particular is unique in that it is used to test one's virginity. This palm can only be used by virgins. If the palm attaches to someone, they are a virgin and if it doesn't then the person is not a virgin. There is a loophole to using the palm despite not being a virgin. You simply force it on yourself in exchange for more energy lost due to no virginity power. The Virgo Palm is near useless to someone who is not a virgin. Pit asked Isaak's mother to force the thing on his arm every year so he can dodge the bullet of anyone finding out he had sex.
Pit and Dark Pit got tricked because of how I see palms as simply crystal balls before it is attached to someone. Friday threw the ball at the back of Pit's head. Pit just assumed the Virgo Palm was an actual ball so he didn't realize that the Virginity Test happened right there. Pit was too busy yelling at Friday for hitting him in the back of the head. The Virgo Palm then attached to Pittoo's leg without realizing it before it fell off due to how Friday apparently pushed Pittoo like the bully she is.
So in other words, Pit was an idiot for not checking to see that the ball thrown at him was the Virgo Palm. Dark Pit has no idea that the Virgo Palm is used to test one's virginity so he wouldn't notice a thing plus he doesn't use palms in my headcanon. I'll be playing around with this later because Dark Pit when equipped with the Virgo Palm is incredibly powerful but at the same time, he's wearing his virginity on his arm.