YOU COULD BE RIGHT
AND I'LL BE REAL
HONESTY WON'T BE A PAIN THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO FEEL
'CAUSE I
DON'T NEED YOUR APPORVAL
TO FIND MY WORTH
Giles.
Willow.
Xander.
Dawn.
Mom.
Angel.
Tara.
Anya.
Spike.
Riley.
Faith.
Cordelia.
Dad.
Wesley.
Kendra.
Robin.
All the Slayers that are out there.
I am so, so sorry.
I've failed you all.
I'M TRAPPED INSIDE MY OWN MIND
AFRAID TO OPEN MY EYES TO SEE WHAT I'D FIND AND I
DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE
The patrol started out easy enough. Simple, really. I'd heard from a stitch who very rarely fails me that there would be a virgin sacrifice happening at the Domus Aurea, or Golden House, at midnight. Some demons wanted to bring forth some great power, yadda, yadda, yadda. Same old spiel.
Before I left, I got Dawn to look up the Domus Aurea, mostly to see if I could get a lay of the land before heading out and to make sure that I knew what I was heading into. If there were any ancient booby traps or anything, I knew I'd have to bring back up. And, with Will in South America, Giles in Cleveland, Faith working in Western Canada somewhere, and Xander working with Andrew on rebuilding a less fascist Watcher's Council, I didn't have any options. It was a school night for Dawn and the last time I brought her out with me she ended up sleeping through her term paper recitation.
Anyway, it turns out it was a residence built by or for Nero between the Great Fire and his death. Once completely overdone in it's opulence, emperors that followed the fiddler stripped the building of everything and filled his golden house with stones and dirt to support the weight of the baths they built on top.
Basically, a tourist stop, but nothing big on the mystical radar as far as Dawnie and I could tell.
So, armed with knives, a few stakes, and a sword for good measure, I headed off.
If I had paid more attention, though, things would be so different right now.
THERE GOES MY PAIN
THERE GO MY CHAINS
DID YOU SEE THEM FALLING
BECUASE THIS FEELING
THAT HAS NO MEANING
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY BACK
THERE IT GOES
I can feel my life fading away from me as I say all this. After the demons left I pulled the mini-tape recorder out of my pocket—the one I had left over from that lecture I went to this morning about some serpentine demon. I'm not really sure if it's a big threat, but if it is you guy's will have to give someone else a call. Sorry.
I'm not in pain. In case you were wondering. The demons were nice enough to give me something or do something to me so I don't feel the pain; I just know that I'm dying.
Sweet of 'em, huh?
The only other thing I can feel right now, though, is my responsibilities fading.
For so long I've been the Chosen One. Even after that spell you did in Sunnydale, Will, I've been the one that everyone expects to lead them. I'm Head Slayer.
Not anymore.
As much as I hate to say this, Faith, you're the one who has to take my place. Make sure that the world doesn't end. Please do this for me. I know you don't owe me anything, but please, don't let the world end just because we separated on bad terms.
The weight of the world has been on my shoulders for so long now; it's almost nice to be able to pass the torch along.
DOES IT SCARE YOU THAT I CAN
BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU
WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL
MORE COMFORTABLE IF I WASN'T
My strength is waning, so I'll keep this short and to the point.
I love you all. I want you all to know that. I don't think I tell you guys that enough. I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't.
In fact, there's a lot I wish I could go back and change.
WELL YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME
AND YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY FROM ME
WHO I AM
Will, I know that when you did the spell to make all the Potentials into Slayers, you were worried that I would feel… different, I guess, about not being the only Chosen anymore, as Faith put it.
The truth is, I did feel different. But not in the way that I thought I would.
Being the Slayer made me special. I could do something that no one else could. I was someone who was revered, held above others. I was powerful and I could control the balance of power. And I'd like to believe that the side of good, as chessy as this sounds, has come out ahead because of me.
But even though now I'm not just one in seven billion or whatever, or even two in seven billion along with Kendra or Faith, I'm one of about a billion out of seven or so billion.
Before being a Potential was like having a recessive gene that something exterior to yourself could set off. Now there are little girls being born and they can lift their parents up by the time they're a week old. As much as you don't want to believe that particular story, Giles, it happened. I saw it.
So I'm not so special anymore. I'm part of a whole, a percentage, a statistic… I'm like part of the percentage of people who drink enough water everyday or eat the right balance of meat and veggies and dairy and grains and all that stuff.
But nothing can take away the fact that I'm still a Slayer, I'm still Chosen. I'm just part of a larger minority now.
THERE GOES MY PAIN
THERE GO MY CHAINS
DID YOU SEE THEM FALLING
BECAUSE THIS FEELING
THAT HAS NO MEANING
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY BACK
The demons were already finished with their sacrifice when I got there, and they had been imbued with some great power. They caught me off guard when I was looking for their sacrifice to try to get him or her out before midnight.
Damn snitch never told me it wasn't midnight in our dimension that this was supposed to all go down at.
I managed to kill two of the three, and their corpses dissolved into this bubbly goo that smells vaguely like the water from the taps in Rona's apartment. That gloopy brownish crap smell.
The third demon, however, got the jump on me and ran me through with a spike, kinda like the Pogaro demon back from the days of the Initive. But it wasn't a Pogaro. At least, not as they're made in THIS dimension.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE ME
YOU CAN'T BREAK ME
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY BACK
I wish I had the time or the energy to make more personal goodbyes. As it is I doubt I'll live long enough to give one mass goodbye without dying in the middle.
HAVE YOU EVER FELT
LIKE YOUR ONLY COMFORT WAS YOUR CAGE
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
HAVE YOU EVER FELT
LIKE YOUR SECRETS GIVE YOU AWAY
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO
I know sometimes I acted like I didn't need all you guys, or want you around. I just didn't want anyone to get hurt. I know you all know that, on some level, but I just wanted to say it one last time. I never pushed any of you away for any other reason, I promise you that.
Being who I am has trapped me, and I knew one day I would die in a fight. I honestly thought I would die fighting the First. I still can't believe we pulled that out off. But I never thought that it would end like this.
I always had you guys with me. The Scooby Gang. My Slayeretts. Whatever you want to call yourselves today. I had my friends.
Willow, Xander, Giles… my core team, my best friends, my spirit, heart, and mind.
Dawn, my sister, my unwilling clone, my annoyance and saviour.
Angel, my equal and my opposite, my choice of company for any game of Anywhere But Here, my soulmate; we'll find each other, we always find each other.
Faith, my antagonist and equal.
Anya, Tara, Kendra, and everyone else lost in the line of duty, I will see you all soon enough.
Spike, my drinking buddy and favourite mistake.
Riley, my last-ditch effort at a normal life and the only mortal I could possibly trust by my side.
Mom, my strength, my touchstone, my safe haven, I wish I could have saved you from your sufferning.
Daddy, as hard as you make it to love you, I do, and I wish I could have told you the truth about my life.
Cordy, Wesley, live would not have been the same without you two, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Robin, my boss and friend, and my proof that some Slayers do make it to the point in their lives where children are an option, please don't hurt Faith, she needs you to keep her belief in good in tact.
And to everyone else who I love, please remember that this was my destiny, twice aborted, and I had to get here sometime.
'CAUSE EVERYONE IS LOOKING
AND EVERYTHING IS LAUGHING
BUT I THINK
EVERYONE FEELS THE SAME
EVERYBODY WANTS TO FEEL OKAY
AND EVERYBODY WANTS TO
EVERYBODY WANTS TO FEEL IT
I miss high school. Everything was much more simple when the big bad of the day was what Snyder had planned for us or if we would have time for a quick game of Anywhere But Here before meeting Giles in the library.
I miss college. Everything was easier when things were laid out in front of you like a syllabus, where the big deal was if we would get caught drinking or if the dorm was free that night.
I miss Sunnydale. Everything was easier when I knew the people, the demon haunts… the language.
I miss the Bronze, even if we outgrew it after a while.
I miss the Espresso Pump, where you could get a mocha that would keep you going for days and only pay two bucks.
I miss arguing with Dawn about who gets the front seat on road trips with mom.
I miss Mr. Gordo, an unfortunate and innocent casualty of the Sunnydale-Implosion.
I miss watching Indian soap operas and trying to figure out the plots. We never did find out what the water buffalo was for.
I miss going shopping. There was a great pair of Jimmy Choo's I was saving up for that would have looked great with that red dress I got last week.
I miss climbing in and out of my window so mom doesn't know I'm going out to kill monsters after curfew.
I miss my leather jackets. Thousands of dollars and too many cows to count lost, much to the fashion gods—and my—dismay.
I miss… everything.
THERE GOES MY PAIN
THERE GO MY CHAINS
DID YOU SEE THEM FALL
BECAUSE THIS FEELING
THAT HAS NO MEANING
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY BACK
THERE IT GOES
'CAUSE I DON'T WANT IT
I DON'T WANT IT
Everything's getting fuzzy, and I know that it'll be soon. I remember this feeling from when I drowned, and from when I jumped from that tower. It'll only be a little while before I'm gone.
Please do me a favour and do not try to bring me back this time. I don't think I could take that again.
Besides, there are Slayers all over the place now, so you don't need me anymore, anyway.
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHANGE ME
YOU CAN'T BREAK ME
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY SHOULDERS
THERE GOES THE WORLD
OFF OF MY BACK
Shit, the miracle that was keeping me from feeling pain has worn off.
It's only a matter of moments now.
Remember, I love you all.
Goodbye.
THERE IT GOES
The song is called Quasimodo and it's by Lifehouse.
Some lines were borrowed from both the X-Files and Alias, and I assure you that both Chris Carter and JJ Abrams were the ones who got paid for them.
I do not own Buffy or any of the people from her world, nor do I own the song. I do however own a shockingly large number of Buffy books.
Please tell me what you think. This isn't the first Buffy fic I've written, but the first that I have published.