A/N: I love that there is a major character on TV who is an atheist, but is so incredibly caring and wonderful. I looking for inspiration for another funny story on tumblr, and there was a post about "Grilled Cheesus", and out popped something a little more profound. I hope you like it, as it is one of the most personal pieces I have ever written. Please review if you like it, or if you don't, I'm always up for any suggestions you may have-honestly I'm just thrilled that people read what I write. :)
"Blaine, do you believe in God?"
The question seemed to come out of nowhere. They were just sitting on the couch in Kurt's living room watching a movie, Blaine's head in Kurt's lap, with Kurt playing with Blaine's curls absentmindedly. Blaine wasn't sure what to say.
"Um…I think there's something out there, you know? Like I feel something, but I don't know what it is. I was raised Catholic, but that's not really who I am-for fairly obvious reasons," he said, pulling Kurt's head down for a kiss, "but I just feel like there's something out there."
"Oh." Kurt sounded bothered.
"What is it? I know you said you're an atheist, but I don't really see that mattering much. Is there something you want to talk about?" Blaine sat up on the couch, but pulled Kurt's arm around him, kissing his knuckles.
"This is going to sound stupid."
"You never sound stupid to me."
"Okay," Kurt sighed, "I'm jealous of people who can believe in stuff. I've never felt anything in the universe! How can so many people feel something that I can't? It's so unfair! They get some kind of comfort from this invisible thing, but my mom dies, and people give me bull shit like 'it's God's plan'! They tell me to turn to God, but I can't because I don't feel anything like that! People act like God's supposed to be this warm, reassuring blanket, but I've never felt anything, and it's so unfair!"
Kurt had started to cry during his speech, so Blaine had unwrapped himself from Kurt, and wrapped his arms around Kurt.
"Shh, shh, it's okay," Blaine said, kissing the top of Kurt's head, "it's alright, I'm here."
"I just can't believe in something that would take my mom away from me and then not provide any sort of comfort. Then about 8 years later, it tries to take my dad-and I still don't feel anything! No sense of peace, nothing! I even tried to go to church with Cedes, and nothing! Why does everybody have this, but I can't?"
"Kurt, babe, there are more atheists than just you, you know. But I understand where you're coming from."
"No, you don't!" Kurt pulled away from Blaine. "You got to have both your parents! I had to give up my mom! And then I almost lost my dad! Not to mention all the bullying I had to put up with while all this was going on. It's not fair!"
"Kurt, I wasn't saying it was fair, I was just saying that other people have-"
"God, Blaine! I know that other people have gone through this. People have been through much worse, I'm just weak-"
"Kurt," Blaine said quietly, while trying to pull him back into his arms, "you're the bravest person I know. You stood up to a bully. You kept it together when you thought you were going to lose your dad. And you are so gracious, even to the people who try to torment you. I couldn't have gotten up there and accepted that crown, but you did. It made me love you even more."
"I'm not that brave. I just do what I have to. I need to rely on me."
"Well, you have me now. And I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You know what you were saying about not feeling anything? Maybe it's because you don't have to. Maybe you're strong enough to do everything on your own; you don't need to think there's anything bigger out there. You're just special that way. And I love you so much for that."
"Really?" Kurt looked at him skeptically through his red-rimmed eyes. "You really think that's why?"
"Yes," Blaine said resolutely, "I think that sometimes some of us lean on God, or the universe, or other things like that like a crutch. I mean, I feel something, and I know that irks you, but maybe that's just because I need to feel something. I'm not nearly as brave as you Kurt."
"You haven't had to be," Kurt whispered as he nuzzled into Blaine's side, "but I know you could be."
"If you don't mind me asking, why did this come up today?"
Kurt stiffened, but still stayed close to Blaine's side, "It's the anniversary."
"Of what?" Blaine was puzzled.
"Her death…this was the day she died. It was such a nice day. We had gone out for ice cream, to the park that day, and even out to dinner that night. That DAY is one of my best memories. We got home that night, and she realized that she had forgotten her purse at the restaurant. My dad offered to go get it for her, but she told him that it was his turn to put me to bed, so she would go back and get it. It was only 9 at night! My dad had just managed to wrestle me in to bed when the phone rang. He had brought it up with him just in case," Kurt had started to cry, so Blaine pulled him even closer, kissing the top of his head again, and starting to rock him, "he went pale after he answered it and started to cry. My dad didn't cry! He told me to put some shoes on; we were going to the hospital. He carried me into the hospital. When he gave the nurse my mom's name, she just shook her head. My dad was crying so hard. He was hugging me so hard…"
Kurt had started crying so hard that his words had become unintelligible. Blaine just held him there, rocking him and kissing the top of his head, murmuring "It's okay, I'm here, I'm here. I love you, and it's okay."
"A doctor came out a little bit later, and he put a hand on my dad's shoulder, and said he was sorry. I didn't know what for. My dad just put his head in his hands and started to cry. The doctor patted my dad on the shoulder and left. I came up to hug my dad. I told him he would feel better once we saw mommy. He held me close and hugged me harder. He started to say 'she's not coming back, Kurt, she's not going to come back.' It couldn't be true! Mom was going to be waiting there when we got home! He said something about a drunk driver. How could they have been so stupid! They killed my mom!"
"Baby, it's okay. Just let it out, let it out." Blaine just kept rocking Kurt.
"I'm so sorry; I shouldn't let myself get like this. I thought it would be better this year because I had you…but I just miss her so much."
"I know that this might be overstepping," Blaine said delicately, "but do you want to go see her grave with me? Maybe it would help to put some flowers on it with me, or just see it."
"I would like that," Kurt smiled weakly, "I think that would be nice."
Burt's voice came from the kitchen, sounding rough, as if he had been crying. "I want to come with you too. I think it would be nice. And even if you don't believe in angels and shit like that Kurt, I do, and I want her to meet Blaine."
"That would be nice," Kurt murmured, "she would have loved him."
"Yeah kid," Burt said, venturing into the living room and rustling Kurt's hair, "I think she would."