It was brought to my attention that there is a steep split in the fandom between Luanny and Luaggie shippers. Now I don't like to see people fighting (unless it's two swimsuit models fighting over me wew) so I penned this story down in response. I hope that by writing this story, people from both sides of the aisle will... do something, idk
There was romance in the air at Royal Woods High. Throughout the crowded hallways and stuffy classrooms, the young boys and girls let their studies slip as they could think about one important upcoming event; the dance.
And by 'young boys and girls thinking about the dance', it was mostly the girls, with a few of the less-sporty, less-scholarly, less-masculine boys.
Case in point; a young brown haired freshman named Benny.
Benny strolled down the hallway, dodging the buff football players and the angsty emos that cursed at him when he got too close to them. He wasn't the bravest kid in the world, but right now he was on a rush of adrenaline. He had practiced and practiced all of last night for one important mission, which he repeated in his mind as he clutched the crinkly paper in his hand.
I'm going to ask Luan to the dance. I'm not going to chicken out. I'm going to do this!
His firm foundation shook slightly when he turned the corner and noticed Luan standing at her locker. He paused for a moment, sighing deeply as he admired her beauty. Her skin was smooth and soft, her lips were pink and seductive, and she wore her brown hair in a long ponytail. Maybe it was his lustful vision, or the lighting, or even her natural attractiveness, but she seemed to radiate with a silvery aura that he drank in like a thirsty tribesman at an oasis.
His momentary worry passed, and he slowly approached her on shaky feet. She hadn't noticed him, as she was busy talking to a young woman he recognized as her older sister Luna. The punk rocker let out a raspy laugh, and Benny chuckled lightly with her. Luan's jokes were often painful, but sometimes she could hit comedy gold.
When he finally got close enough, Luan's back was still turned to him as she closed her locker shut with a loud clang! Luna peeked over her sister's shoulder and noticed the nebbish young boy, shuffling on his feet with a thin card in his hands. Luna grinned like the wolf, and gave the boy a knowing wink, before tapping her younger sister's shoulder. "Hey, Luan, looks like someone's here to talk to you."
Luan turned her head, and smiled when she saw who it was. To Benny's surprise, and delight, her cheeks reddened. "Hey Benny," she greeted. "It's ben a while. Ha ha, geddit?"
Benny gave a pained smile and laughed. "Yeah, it has been. Uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything right now."
"I'm fine, dude. Just say what you got to say," Luna said in a chillaxed tone. She was interested to see how Benny would ask her sister out.
"Okay, well, in that case… Luan, you know there's going to be a dance in a week or so… and I was thinking..."
Luan's eyes widened as he handed her his makeshift card. "Will you go to the dance with me?" he spilled as quickly as he could, before he could chicken out.
At first, Luan wore an odd expression on her face. It seemed like a weird mix of happiness, regret, worry, confusion and other contradictory emotions. He was almost certainly sure that she would reject him, and that when she did the entire hallway would burst into laughter and throw rotten apple cores at him like they did in middle school. Before he could turn and run towards the nearest hole in the ground, Luan swiftly took the card from him. "I'd love to go with you!" she exclaimed, though perhaps her tone was a little too enthusiastic. It seemed artificial to Luna, but to Benny… he either didn't notice or didn't care.
LUAN SAID YES!
A million fireworks went off in his brain as he cheered for himself. He felt so happy that if he died at that very second, his own natural bliss would rocket him right through the Pearly Gates. However, the teen knew he had to play it cool, so he simply snapped and pointed at Luan, imitating finger guns. "Cool. I'll take care of transportation and costs and everything… we can talk more about it later. Right now, I need to go grab my lunch, so yeah. S-see ya!" he called out to her as he turned to rush back to his locker, leaving Luna and Luan alone in a sea of faceless students.
"Nice job, sis. You've become quite the catch," Luna noted with a teasing purr.
"Luna… I think I made a huge mistake," Luan said, the mixed expression on her face turning into one of abject horror. "I already have a date to the dance. I just… I got so nervous and flustered when he asked me that… oh no, what have I done?"
"Whoa, whoa, calm down Luan," Luna reassured her, placing a calming hand on Luan's shaking shoulder. "Just take a deep breath. In and out, in and out." As Luan followed the rocker's instructions, Luna bit down on her lower lip. She could tell Luan was in a sticky situation. "So who's this other date you have?"
"You remember that emo girl I sometimes hang out? Maggie?"
"Of course I do. Some nights you don't stop talking about her… wait a minute, are you two a thing?"
Luan blushed lightly, glancing at the side. "We… experimented a little. Some kissing here, some touchy feely there. I thought we could use the dance to make it official, so I asked her. But now..."
"But you also had feelings for him, so you couldn't turn him down?"
Luan nodded, and Luna cringed. "Sounds rough, dude. I mean, I'm happy to know there's another bisexual in the fam, but that's not really the main issue right now."
"I know. It was so stupid of me. Now what do I do?"
"Honestly, Luan, your best call might be to cancel on one of them."
Luan shook her head. "I can't do that. If I cancel on Benny, he'll get really depressed and angry with me. If I cancel on Maggie, she'll get more depressed and angry with me than she already is. Dang it, I really wish I had a time machine."
"Luan, trust me, if you had a time machine, you'd be wasting it if you just used it for that," Luna chuckled nervously, trying to lighten the mood. Judging from the death stare Luan gave her, it didn't work. Luna sighed, and shrugged her shoulders. "Look, I might not be the best person to ask about this. You should talk to someone who can help you with this better. Like Lori, she's the love expert."
Luan rubbed her chin, thinking about it. "I suppose there is someone I could ask about this..."
"For the last time, no means no. I'm not going to let you borrow my time machine to fix your indecisiveness."
"Oh, come on. Why not, Lis?"
"Well, for starters, you're dipping Lily's hand in warm water while she's sleeping," Lisa pointed out. The comedienne was hunched over on the floor, the sleeping baby's arm in her hand as she dipped it in a beaker of water. Luan grinned sheepishly and stood up straight, dusting herself off. "Sorry, force of habit," she confessed to the genius. Lisa rolled her eyes, and turned her attention back to her crossword puzzle.
"Look, Luan, even if my time machine weren't out of fuel right now, I wouldn't give it to you. It's only for essential use, like in the case of alien invasion or the more dangerous and inevitable seahorse uprising. The fabric of reality could be torn apart by reckless usage. I said no when Lola asked to travel back to Ptolemaic Egypt for Cleopatra's make-up, I said no when Lucy asked to travel back to the fifteenth century to meet Vlad Tepes, and I'm putting my foot down now as well."
Luan hung her head, and a sadness raced through her body. She felt as crushed by the revelation as humanity would be under their seahorse overlords in thirty years. "I understand. Guess I have to decide which one is going to hate me for the rest of their life," Luan sighed.
"Wait a minute, Luan, I never said I didn't have a solution. Just that I couldn't let you use my time machine."
Luan's face lit up with happiness, color returning to her face. She would have leapt with joy if it weren't for the baby's crib by her side. Nevertheless, she rushed over to scoop up her savant sister in a big hug. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you Lisa!"
"No problem. What are sisters for, after all?"
"So what are you going to do for me? Are you going to develop some genius time map that ensures I spend enough time with both of them?"
"I'll leave it as a surprise. If you wish to repay me, bring me some fruit from the kitchen. I need maximum nutritional power to solve this puzzle," Lisa grumbled as Luan let her down and she picked up her puzzle-book again.
"Yes ma'am. Now that I don't have to worry about my date for the dance, I can go on a date with some dates. Ha ha, geddit?"
"No, not really."
"Well, you said I should get you some fruit. And, well, dates have a double meaning and, er..."
A beat passed, and Lisa let out a disappointed sigh.
"Luan… that was abysmal. Even by your standards."
"I know," Luan whispered in an ashamed voice.
"No, you don't know. Because if you did you would've never attempted a joke that bad. It was a failure on every level of humor. I doubt it would work even as an anti-joke. It just..."
"Okay! I get it!" Luan shouted as she stormed out of the room. Lisa nodded to herself, and glanced over at her table of tools. She got off her chair, and picked up a shining scalpel, examining it over. She set it back down, and picked up a folder besides it, which contained several gray pictures of the anatomy of a teenage girl, and a small written document about the human brain.
"I believe I can make this work. This should be fun to experiment with, at least..."
A tense week rolled by, and Luan was growing more and more nervous every day. Lisa's promise seemed more like a lie at this point, but the fourteen year old girl refused to confront her on the subject, in the off-chance she actually was working on a solution to her dilemma. However, her paranoia tainted the air around her, and both Maggie and Benny noticed it. Every time they practiced for a play, Benny noted how nervous Luan was, and how she filled her dialogue with uncomfortable giggles. Every time they went out to eat, Maggie saw the french fries in Luan's hands trembling. And then, of course, there was the accident. Luan, without paying attention, had smacked her open soda can all over the emo.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry," Luan apologized in shock as Maggie jumped from her seat and reached for the napkins.
"Dang it, this was a new jacket!" Maggie cried as she started rubbing the cola out of it.
"I know. It's soda-pressing to see a nice jacket like that..."
"Luan, I'm not in the mood," Maggie growled at her, her teeth grit. Luan gave a sheepish, apologetic smile and helped her clean up her shirt. Thankfully, it was a dark colored shirt, so the stains didn't leave much of a mark. The two walked out of the restaurant, and as Luan closed the door behind her, Maggie spun around to face her.
"Alright, Luan, for once I'm going to try not to be angry… and I'll stay calm as long as you tell me one thing; why are you so jittery lately?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I think you do. You shake a lot when you're lying. You're hiding something from me, aren't you?" Maggie eyed the jokey girl from head to toe. Luan backed up slightly, scratching her neck as her mind raced to come up with anything to justify her erratic behavior.
"Look Maggie, I'm sorry if I've been a bit weird lately. I just… have an open mic comedy session, and I'm worried about messing it up."
The angry fire in Maggie's eyes didn't fade, but it did soften a little. "I see. Uh… well, I know you're good with jokes, so I think you'll do fine."
"Really? You think my jokes are good? You never laugh at them, though."
"I never laugh. Period."
Luan grinned. "You make me laugh. Always putting on that edgy persona."
The pale girl blushed, and her calm, controlled demeanor vanished within a second. "I-It's not a persona! This is who I am. For real!"
"Sure it is, Mags," Luan draped her arm around the younger girl's shoulder, rubbing her cheek against the emo's blushing face. It wasn't often that she caught Maggie off-guard, and she was fully intent on savoring it. But as she continuing using the raven haired girl's face as a scratching post, Luan was flooded with guilt that gave her pause. Tomorrow, she could potentially break this girl's heart. Luan didn't know if she could handle that, because, after the jokes and goofs had settled, she truly cared for Maggie, and the last thing she wanted to upset her, even over something as superficial as a high school dance.
Come on, Lisa, work your magic. Or science, I guess.
"Alright, I'll leave your smooth, soft cheeksies alone… for now," Luan said with a perverted glint in her eyes, trying to cover up her internal conflict. "I need to get home now anyways."
"I'll come with you. I have a tutoring appointment with one of your sisters, so we can just walk together."
"You get tutoring?"
Maggie crossed her arms with a displeased huff. "My stupid mom thinks I'm falling behind. But last time I checked, if your grades are in the seventies, you're passing. School is stupid anyways. It doesn't accommodate different learners like me."
Luan wanted to argue or, more pressingly, make a humorous retort, but she bit on her tongue to keep it from slipping. Instead, she just enjoyed her walk home with her favorite girl in the world by her side. As they walked, the sun slowly dipped from its place in the sky, scraping against the dark night on its way down. Call it the pathetic fallacy, but Luan couldn't help but relate the natural scenery to her own relationship with the young girl besides her.
Maggie, on the other hand, thought how wonderful it was that the miserable ball of gas finally left the sky. Nighttime was when she felt truly alive! Too bad her stupid mom made her sleep before midnight urgh
When the duo finally reached the front door of the Loud House, Luan knocked repeatedly until Lincoln came to open it. "After you~" Luan offered with a sweeping gesture. Maggie rolled her eyes and stepped into their home, with only a faint "Thanks or whatever," for Luan.
As soon as Maggie stepped inside, Lisa, who had been sitting on the couch and reading an academic paper about honey badgers, noticed the young teenager. With a sigh, she tossed the paper to the side and approached her. "Ah, Maggie, you're finally here. Shall we get started right away?"
"Wait, Lisa… are you the one tutoring Maggie?"
"Indeed I am. Is that a shock to you?"
"I… I guess not," Luan shrugged. She wasn't really sure how she felt about it.
"Don't worry, Luan. Maggie and I will simply study some basic, rudimentary geometry, and if we have time, I can use this time to help you with your problem."
"Hey! Ix-nay on the roblem-pay," Luan hissed to the genius. Maggie glanced at Lincoln, confusion written on her face, and the young boy simply shrugged. Before the ravenette could ask, Lisa grabbed her hand and started dragging her towards the stairs. "Come along, we don't have too much time to lose. And maybe I can get you some scents. You smell like Pepsi. I don't like that smell."
When Lisa and Maggie disappeared into the second floor, Luan looked down at Lincoln, and clasped his shoulders with desperation. "Lincoln, please tell me if Lisa's been doing anything that could maybe be used to help someone out on a dance or something."
"I… I don't know," he said, brushing her arm off his shoulder. "You know she doesn't like people bothering her about her science stuff."
"I know, I know. But I'm seriously in trouble. There's a dance tomorrow night, and I've promised both Maggie and Benny that I'd be there for them by accident, but I can't, and she was supposed to help me..."
The look on Lincoln's face suddenly changed to one of scornful apathy. "Oh, you have multiple dates to the dance, huh? Yeah, it must really suck to be put in that position… it would be even worse if it was your family that was setting you up with a bunch of people..."
"For God's sake, Linc, are you still mad about that Sadie Hawkins fiasco? Do you know how many guys would kill to have four girls to dance with?"
Lincoln rolled his eyes and walked back to the couch, picking up the remote and flipping the channel to some show about knights and zombie polar bears or something. "Okay, that might've been a poor choice of words," Luan realized as she decided to go upstairs and into her room. She found Luna in there, strumming her guitar, and Luan flopped onto her mattress. "I'm pooped," she exclaimed, as Luna glanced down at the lower bunk.
"Dude, it's only seven. The night's still young."
"Normally, I'd love to stay up," Luan said as she started fluffing her pillow, "but I just feel really tired. You don't mind if I sleep early, do you?"
"One thing before you head off to slumber land… did you fix your problem with Ben and the Magpie?" Luna asked.
"I'll let Lisa worry about it. She promised, and if there's one thing she's good at, it's keeping promises. Like how I'm really good at sleeping. In fact, I could do it with my eyes closed. Ha ha, geddit?"
"Good night, Luan," Luna chuckled as she exited the room, turned off the lights and left Luan to her dreams. What does a Luan dream of? Well, this is Luan, so you can only imagine the comedic and nightmarish things she sees at night. In fact, she was just in the middle of a terrible dream when she felt someone shake her awake.
"Come on, Luan, wake up," she heard a faint voice in her ear. She slowly opened her eyes, blinking to fix the blurriness of her vision. She let out a loud yawn when she found the source of her disturbance. "L-Lisa?" she mumbled, still trying to keep awake.
"I'm sorry to disturb your slumber. If it's any consolation, I waited for you to complete at least three REM cycles before I awoke you. You can return to the other two later."
"I'm going to return to them now if you don't tell me why you woke me up."
"Your little Benny-Maggie situation… I just solved it a few minutes ago."
Now she was fully awake. "Lisa, I can't believe this! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she cried out, scooping the little genius into a warm hug. The four year old let out a loud choke as Luan squeezed her tightly. Thankfully, Luna had just been awoken by the sounds, and she angrily tossed a pillow at her roommate, causing Luan to drop Lisa, saving the young girl's life. "Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!"
"Never thought I'd hear the loudest Loud tell me to keep it down," Luan smirked.
"Whatever, dude," Luna grumbled before rolling over in bed.
Lisa coughed before grabbing Luan and leading her out of the room and into the hallway. Luan thought Lisa would lead her to her room, but instead she was dragged down the stairs and out of the house. Luan shivered, as her pajamas proved useless against the cold night air, but Lisa, smartly dressed in her white lab coat, barely noticed.
Finally, they reached the vault in the backyard. "Lis, are we going to your underground lab?"
"Yes, we are. I assume you have a joke planned?"
"I would never. Underground puns have become way too mainstream," she snickered.
Lisa pretended not to hear that and opened the hatch, revealing a long ladder down. The two descended into Lisa's lab, and Luan was surprised at everything she saw. A tiny flying robot, a cat that sneezed fire, Maggie, an equation that proved once and for all that God was… wait a minute…
"MAGGIE?" Luan cried as she noticed the emo girl.
Maggie's eyes widened and her cheeks reddened when she noticed Luan in her loose, yellow pajamas. Luan noticed her noticing, and started blushing herself. "What are you doing here? Wait a minute… Lisa, is this a clone?"
Lisa shook her head. "Unfortunately, Father forced me to shut down my cloning machine for good after Lynn cloned herself seventy something times a while ago… so no, that is the real Maggie."
"Luan, your sister is insane!" Maggie cried as she grabbed Luan and tugged on her clothes desperately. "The things she did to me… the things she did to Benny..."
"Benny? He's here? Lis… what did you do to them?"
"Here, I'll show you," Lisa offered. Before either of them could say anything, Lisa grabbed a nearby glass of water and tossed the clear liquid at Maggie. It splashed on her pale skin, and she groaned.
"What's with you people and throwing drinks at me today?"
Before Luan could make a very cultured joke about getting Maggie dripping wet, the black-haired girl was enveloped by a thick cloud of smoke, that seemingly emerged from nowhere. It blasted her surroundings, and Luan coughed and waved her hand trying to clear the mist that burned her. When the smoke finally cleared she grabbed the teen in the fog. "Maggie, are you alright?" she asked.
Only it wasn't Maggie in her hands.
"H-hey Luan," a blushing Benny said, shyly waving his hand in greeting.
"Benny? Where's Maggie? She was just here."
"Thanks to the miracle of science," Lisa proudly began, "I managed to fuse both Maggie and Benny into the same body. It took a few hours, and judging from their screams it was extremely painful, but the end result speaks for itself. They can both take their individual forms, and with just a drop of water, they can switch between the tomboyish girl Maggie and the feminine boy Benny. Do you understand, Luan?"
Luan's face read like a deer in headlights. Benny waved his hand in front of her face. "Uh… Luan?"
"Lisa… what the fuck did you do?"
"Dang it. There goes our K rating," Lisa muttered as an aside.
"Fuck the K rating! You experimented on my best friends! You turned them both into a combined freak of nature!"
"Hey!" Benny protested.
"Well, Luan, I only did what you asked," Lisa shot back, slightly annoyed that Luan wasn't thanking her for her hard work.
"I didn't ask for this!"
"No, you're right. You didn't ask for this. You only asked for me to give you a magical solution to a problem that you could've avoided by having some courage," Lisa growled coldly. "Well, unfortunately, this is what I give you. You three make the best of it."
Luan tried to rebut. Unfortunately, nothing came to mind. As much as she hated to admit it… Lisa was right.
"Luan, what does she mean?" Benny asked.
Luan sighed. "I don't feel like answering that," she muttered, tossing another glass of water at him. With another quick flash of smoke, he changed back into Maggie.