There's a saying that goes like this, " there are far more better things ahead of us than what we ever leave behind." I am an agent of hope, and though I've experienced trauma, I find this saying to be true. My life is great; I have a job I love, and a son who was my entire world. I never expected to find love at my age. After all, it did take me time to get over the very twelve long years of having a partner that I had always wanted to do more with. Brian came along and that was a pleasant surprise. I know the reason that relationship ended was so that I could eventually adopt Noah. It's been awhile since I've thought about Lewis, when he does pop up in my mind I think about all the things he said to me, and the things I believed he said. I know I shouldn't think about those things, that's what I always told survivors. I always said to never listen to the voice of your abuser. Things will always remain unwritten between Lewis and I, but one thing that I am certain of…nothing will ever be the same. I can finally sleep at night without having nightmares. Occasionally there are cases that prove to be horrendous and I have flashbacks of the things he did to me as well as the things I did to him. It's been a year since I've been a foster mother to Noah, and now I am his actual mother. There was a deep pit in my heart that could only be filled by the yearning I had always had to have a child. He brings me joy and the fight to continue on. Yet, there is this part of me that wishes I could give him more.

My life has been so busy this past year that I had not even considered finding a companion. That being said, I was not expecting to find love, I wasn't expecting to date. I guess that's the funny thing about fate; things happen when you least expect them to. I used to stay awake at night and have questions such as: Will I find love again? Am I too old to continue dating? Then, out of nowhere, I was caught in a whirlwind when he took me on our first date.

I never thought this could happen at my age. I never thought this could happen with him. He was there at the squad room when things always seemed to get out of hand. I didn't trust him. At first, I didn't like him. Maybe my ego was too big and I was offended by his ways. The more time we started to spend together, the more I actually enjoyed his company. I guess he enjoyed my company as well because we just had our first date.

I've never had this feeling before, I've never been nervous on a date. I was pleasantly surprised when we got out of the cab and were standing outside of the restaurant called Nobu for dinner. "Are you serious!" I said. "This place? I've never known of a cop who eats any where other than a donut shop or Chinese take out!" He had a slight grin on his face (which was unusual for him). The smile made my heart flip upside down and I had this overwhelming butterfly feeling in my chest. It was a feeling that I hadn't felt since I pretended like I was a prostitute with Elliot and we were both half naked…

Dinner was so heavenly and the conversation just flowed naturally. It was the moment after dinner that I knew something was different. We were casually strolling along the road when he stopped and turned to me. I knew what came next but I wasn't sure if he was thinking the same thing that I was thinking. He grabbed my hand and started to pull me in. My body had never felt so weak. All 5 of my senses (what I felt, smelt, heard, saw and tasted) enhanced tenfold. As he was pulling me in, I had this tingling sensation on my lips just from the anticipation of what could be. I thought we were just going to hug goodnight and call it an evening, but instead of a hug, his chapped warm hand delicately grabs mine and he pulls me into his body tightly and I suddenly have this rush of warmth that comes over my body, yet I'm not 100% completely sure if it's from passerby's opening doors to inside buildings, or from my heart rate and blood pressure rising. As he pulls me in, thoughts rush through my head and I go for the hug before the kiss. There we both are, hugging but not too closely, just incase the other person is not interested in that way. In the silence between us, I can feel his heart beating against my own, and in a way they synchronize as if the universe is telling me it is meant to be. I look up at him, and realize that this man can potentially offer me everything I've ever wanted. He is a good 4 inches taller than me (when I don't have heals on) this is the perfect height. As I lay my head against his chest, the bristles from his 3-day-old beard run against the top of my head. Normally, I like a clean-shaven man. I could definitely get used to the scruff. I turned more comfortably toward him and he placed his chin comfortably on top of my head. His lips looked so plump and soft, they looked like they could be good kissing lips. I look up some more, our eyes meet and we are both in a daze. Our lips touch ever so slightly and I can taste the mint chapstick he had put on. I go weak at the knees and all my thoughts disappear. Everything I worried about or needed to do before tomorrow had disappeared. It was just the two of us and the brisk wind of the cold winter night; yet, it was the warmest I've ever felt.