The Silent Sound of Heartbreak

A/N: This is a companion piece (NOT a sequel [maybe you could see it as some kind of prequel?]) to "Think of me".

The moment it happens, Niles doesn't react. There is a silence inside of him he has never heard or felt before. The situation passes in slow motion as if to prolong his heart break. He sees Daphne – the woman he loves so much – and the other man. The one she loves. The man is not him and after tonight he never will be him. Niles just watches, because he has always been a coward. All that's left to do, all he deserves to do now is to watch Daphne and Donny be happy. For the rest of his life.

However, this is not how it all starts; this is how it ends.

It begins so much earlier. Niles' heart cracks the moment Daphne tells him happily that Donny is going to ask her to marry him. Just a crack at first. His heart is not broken, although he is sure it can never be whole again. Niles tries to smile and be happy for her. He never expected this to happen so he hasn't been able to practice. Her hug feels warm and energetic. Everything he doesn't feel in himself right now. "You're family to me." Daphne tells them all and another crack in his heart. Family. If his feelings for her weren't as strong, then maybe he'd feel less betrayed. He hardly notices the almost awkward expressions Frasier and his father assume. Daphne, luckily, doesn't either. She is already in another world. One he is no longer part of. Or maybe he is; on the periphery, as a friend. He feels pain shoot through his heart and his arms, but he doesn't break just yet. Words have already left him, because he knows if he attempts to talk, he won't be able to keep himself from crying. Not here, not in this apartment. He walks out, tells Frasier he is fine. In front of the elevator where he's stood so often, so happy that he's just seen Daphne or that he was going to see her real soon – that's when he is no longer able to control his emotions. Everything breaks. His heart, his hope and what's left of him. With his last shred of strength, he calls Frasier. He won't be able to help him – no one can – but he can be there for him. Like family.

At work, Niles can distract himself. Other people's problems take precedence over his own. Mrs. Woodson brings him a bag from Roz and Niles doesn't care. As long as he can keep himself busy with his patients' notes, he will be fine. He refuses to think about Daphne. That is until she appears in his office. For the fraction of a moment he doesn't believe it's her; why would she come here? Listening to her problem and catching the gloom in her voice, he is unable to quench the shred of hope he feels within himself. He is in the middle of accepting his role as her friend (maybe a member of her "family"). He doesn't want her to be this sad and confused. Yet, when she tells him she thinks she's meant to be with someone else, he doesn't feel like her friend; he feels like a man who has been given another chance to tell the woman he loves how he feels. The hope blinds him for her problem, for her distress. All he thinks about is himself. He sees himself there in her story, in her vision. It's him. It's finally him overcoming his cowardice. In his own mind, he sees himself taking her into his arms and softly kissing her.

"I think I know who this person is." Niles cannot help himself. He hasn't felt this giddy in so long. The nervousness he feels stems from anticipation and fear. They mix together in a sweet cocktail of expectations.

"You do? I don't see how you could, I couldn't tell meself! He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bowtie."

"I don't have a... clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding." His hope shatters. Again. It bursts like a bubble in front of him. Again. He is back to being a coward, or is he? If Daphne has seen someone – someone else – in her visions, then maybe she isn't supposed to be with Donny. However, she might not be meant to be with Niles either. He knows without a doubt that she is the love of his life. That doesn't mean he is the same for her. Everything in Niles revolts and wrestles. He can tell her right now. He can tell her how he constantly thinks about her. How he spends almost every waking hour – minute – wondering how she is and what she's doing. How her well-being means more to him than his own. The words, as always, don't materialize. He is torn. There's a part of him that knows how shady all of this is. After all, she is with Donny. The man who is going to ask her to marry him. Unless Niles... he can't tell her to marry Donny. He doesn't know what her vision means or if it means anything at all. He knows deep down that he doesn't believe in visions. She doesn't know. She looks at him as if he knows everything; she looks at him and expects a friend. Niles tries to be a friend, but he can't be. He is the man in love with her, but who is blinded by that love. The selfishness he tries to swallow rises and he advises her not to marry Donny. Once the words are out, Niles almost wants to take them back. He sees her pain, her uncertainty. Then he thinks how happy the two of them could be – he and Daphne. And as always, he remains silent and comforts her. He is doing her a favor, he tells himself. He is doing the right thing.

Niles puts on a red bowtie in an attempt to nudge Daphne in the right direction. In a way this is him being brave in a twisted way. At Frasier's apartment, his plans are tramples on; naturally, he didn't expect Frasier to be on his side. He has never been when it comes to his feelings for Daphne. Now even his father is quiet though. Niles is reluctant to take off his bowtie for another instant until he realizes that they might be right after all. It's too bold a step anyway. Quickly he takes it off and part of him is glad Daphne never saw him wearing it. Still, he can't shake off the feeling that it has to be him. The man in her vision has to be him. Frasier tells him he is delusional and that her visions are fear of commitment. Niles has considered all of this himself, but he refuses to believe him. When it comes to Daphne, his rational self is no longer in charge. His emotions take over and never having learned how to control them, they sometimes lead to moments like this. He no longer has the support of his family and he doesn't care. Frasier can insult his integrity any day, he doesn't care. Not when it comes to Daphne. The following words make him stop however. They make his heart feel weak once again.

"Well, here's a second opinion: it doesn't make you much of a friend." Frasier's words hurt because they are true. Daphne came to him and expected him to be her friend. Nothing else. He has always been her friend. In all these years when he loved her from afar, he has never betrayed their friendship. He would have done anything just to see her happy. All he ever wanted was to see her happy. Now, he has done the opposite. Niles realizes that he has to remedy that – no matter how much it will hurt himself.

In the kitchen, he tells her. He doesn't think about it, he just tells her what he knows he should have told her earlier. Niles doesn't listen to himself, because he doesn't want to hear these words. He notices her raised voice, the anger in her eyes and wills himself not to care. If he wants to get through this, he has to learn to no longer care. His mind won't be cluttered with thoughts of Daphne anymore. It can't be. So he acts on rationality just like he is supposed to do. Daphne doesn't understand him and doesn't understand the change in him. He does though; this is him. He is an ethical man in love with a woman who doesn't know and who will never know. He doesn't want her to suffer, so he suffers himself. This is the right way even if she can't see it yet.

Niles is weary. He wants to go home and maybe drown his sorrow. A small part of him wants to be there when Daphne dumps Donny. As wrong as it may seem, he wants to see it. See the pain of loving Daphne in another man's eyes. A knock on the door prevents any other possibility than staying. Donny has arrived and asks them to stay in his hopeful voice. The hope is familiar to Niles; it's the same he felt earlier when Daphne came to him. Niles tries not to watch and not to listen, but how can he not hear the beautiful words Donny tells her so earnestly? He doesn't deserve the rejection he is going to get. Niles looks away again and again, because he feels his own pain overwhelm him. His eyes find Daphne's face. Her beautiful face mesmerized by the other man.

Then it happens. Niles is still. He watches Daphne's lips turn upward in a smile as if in slow motion. Everything stops – the world does. The sound of her 'yes' is the sound of Niles' heart breaking a final time. It explodes and leaves scars. After that, silence. He congratulates Donny somehow – he could never say how. He feels like he is under water, unable to breathe. The minutes feel like hours. He walks into the kitchen and it feels like a marathon. There, he can finally breathe. Once, twice – in, out. The pain is as profound as the hotplate underneath his hand. It feels cold. Everything feels cold.

"It's my own fault; I had chance after chance to tell her how I feel and I always kept my mouth shut until tonight when I probably should have." Niles tells his father. Another truth tonight. He has loved Daphne for so long in his mind. His thoughts always with her. Sometimes he felt like it was enough. It never could have been enough. He never thought this would happen. In his mind, she always found out about his feelings and everything ended happily. This is how the story really ends: Daphne tells him how he's been right and what can Niles do but nod? He's known it all this time. He could have done without the moment of hope. The moment in his office when he thought that maybe, maybe he could be the man she is meant to be with. The man who brings her the stars. Donny has done that for her. He wasn't scared, he wasn't a coward. Daphne isn't the coward he is either; she admits her earlier fear, she admits her doubts. Wiped away by Donny's words. The place in her life Niles wanted to take. No longer possible, because he has never been able to face his fears.

"Thank you for your help." The only solace he finds at that moment is the fact that he's been her friend. As she hugs him close and he feels her against him warm and solid, he makes peace with it. It pains like a thousand needles stabbing him everywhere her body touches his. He knows it will pass. He knows he will have to stop thinking about her. He knows all these things. Just like he knows he will go to her wedding and be the best friend he can be. Something he has to practice.

"I wish you the very best Daphne." Trying it out, his voice almost breaks. He won't be the one to give her that happiness – the stars, the moon and all she deserves, but he'll be there as her friend.

In his silent, lonely home Niles finds himself unable to sleep. Trying not to think about Daphne is harder than he expected. He makes a mental note to do everything in his power to find a new love. Someone who loves him back. Not tonight though. In the living room, he remembers Roz' gift. Unwrapping it, he finds a hideous dragon figure whose ugliness distracts him from his emotions. Finally. Turning off the lights, he no longer thinks of Daphne. The darkness swallows him without any hope left.

END