-Just an angsty fic I wrote, it does get happier, This first chapter is loosely based around the lyrics of All Time Lows ''Remembering Sunday" which is one of my favourite songs. Anyway, hope you enjoy. Next 2 chapters up as soon as I can :)

CHAPTER 1

He woke up from dreaming, if you could call it that, and put on his shoes. He realized he had fell asleep in his clothes again and wrinkled his nose at the smell of alcohol intoxicated him. Ianto looked at the clock. 2 in the bloody morning. He needed to get out. He had this overwhelming urge to go for a walk

He walked out his door and starting making his way past shops and houses, aimlessly wondering around. He hadn't been sober for days. He leaned into the breeze, feeling the cool air on his face was good. He was overheating fast, his heart pounding. He started remembering Sunday. The last Sunday he had with Jack. He fell to his knees. The ground felt hard cold and wet and Ianto could feel the rain seeping through his trousers to his scrapped knees. Last Sunday Jack was with Ianto. They had breakfast together but two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs.

He looks up from the soaked floor… Now the place seems familiar to him. He suddenly saw Jack pulling on his hands with a devilish grin, He led him deep into the woods to his left, and always the tease Jack left him dying to get in.

He couldn't do or look at anything without being reminded of his stupid American boss. Ianto looked up at the sky, alcohol fogging his head. He screams out to the clouds.

"Forgive me in trying to find...''

Well Ianto didn't really know what he was trying to find. He'd given up looking for Jack. Then he realised what he was looking for. Kneeling on the floor in the middle of nowhere, Ianto Jones was looking for a purpose. A reason to live if you like.

''Forgive me I'm trying to find. My calling I'm calling at night.''

Ianto got up frantically. The alcohol had really started to take effect; he heard a drumming noise in his head as he walked up to a woman standing silently. He didn't know it was Tosh, he was too drunk and it was too dark.

Tosh felt a lump build in her throat as she looked her friend, her heart broken friend. It's the second time Tosh had seen Ianto like this and she hated it. The incident with Lisa was enough to be able to cope with.

Ianto staggered up to what he thought was stranger. He could hardly keep his eyes open, his words came out slurred and with his thick welsh accent Tosh struggled to understand him.

"I don't mean to be a bother"

That was Ianto, out of his head drunk and grieving, yet still being polite.

"But have you seen this guy?" He continues, swaying back and forth in the rain, tripping over his own feet. For a moment Tosh is scared that he will fall. Before she can comment or lend a hand to help, Ianto carries on.

"He's been running through my dreams… and it's driving me crazy it seems. I'm gonna' ask him to marry me." Ianto's words were all slurred together and the rain was coming down hard, but Tosh didn't have to be a genius to see the hurt in Ianto's half closed eyes, the pain in his voice.

Ianto really did want to spend the rest of his life with Jack, even if the immortal couldn't spend his with Ianto. Tosh opens her mouth to say something, anything, but Ianto still isn't finished.

"Even though he doesn't believe in love. I'm determined to call his bluff." Tosh silently cursed Captain Jack Harkness. It seemed to be obvious to everyone but Ianto that the captain was head over heels. Ianto was too modest for his own good.

"Who could deny these butterflies? They're filling my gut.'' Ianto is shouting now, screaming almost. He doubles over and old his stomach. He's in pain, like a thousand rats are eating him from the inside out. He remembered feeling this about Lisa, now Jack. How could he go on like this?

Ianto's shouts are waking the neighbours. Unfamiliar faces pop out of nearby windows as he screams and he cries. Now he's only denied. He's dying to get inside a warm bed. A warm soft bed with strong American arms wrapped around him protectively. It's the only way Ianto can get to sleep; his double bed seems 10 times bigger without Jack. He's 10 times more alone.

Ianto screams at their judging faces and cries out again

"Forgive me I'm trying to find. My calling I'm calling at night. I don't means to be a bother but have you seen this guy? He's been running through my dreams. And it's driving me crazy it seems. I'm gonna ask him to marry me."

Tosh sighs. Even drunk Ianto has a way with words and a better memory than half of the population of Wales. She cursed Jack again for leaving him. No one in their right mind would leave behind a man like the one stood in front of her.

The neighbours didn't know what was going on. They thought Ianto had just been dumped. One man sighs loudly and shouts back

"He's moved away!" trying to get Ianto to leave. He didn't care; he went back to bed hoping the disturbance was over

Ianto sighs and sits on the wet floor again. He looks up letting the cool rain drip down his face. Funny how it rained all day. He didn't think much of it then, now it's starting to all makes sense.

"All of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavour, to find my forever…where ever he may be" Ianto whispers to the woman, who he still doesn't realize is Toshiko. She just looks at her friend, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to make everything okay again. She leans down to put a protective and comforting hand on Ianto's shoulder.

Suddenly Ianto jumps off and runs into the woods, stumbling slightly but still easily able to get far away and quickly. Tosh runs off after him screaming his name. She wouldn't be able cope if Ianto hurt himself whilst she was supposed to be taking care of him.

"I'm not coming back!" Ianto screams. He means it. His intention was to run and never stop.

"I've done something so terrible I'm terrified to see what he thinks about me."

What nobody else had yet to see, was that Ianto thought it was his entire fault that Jack left. He had betrayed him. He saw Lisa and helped opened the rift. Jack was shot and Ianto played a hand in that. Could he blame Jack for leaving?

Tosh was still desperately calling out to Ianto trying to get him to slow down.

"I'm mixed up; I'll be blunt now the rain is just washing him out of my head, and out of my mind." Ianto said to himself. He started to slow down slightly to stand in the rain.

He walked just a little further and came to a ditch. A big one, at least a 20 foot drop down, it was enough. If he was lucky it would kill him instantly, but it was unlikely. He just hoped no one would find him for a good while. He peered over the edge and started to feel a little queasy. He came looking for his calling and couldn't find it. So in Ianto's mind this was the only option left. Nobody would miss him; no one would even notice that he was gone. Jack would go on living his life how he should, to the full and with any one he wanted.

Ianto swayed forwards and backwards as memories of him and Jack flashed through his head. The first time they had met he had saved Jack form that weevil, but if any one asked of course he didn't need saving. Then when they caught Myfanwy, Ianto denied he felt anything when Jack was a hair breath away, but he knew he'd fall for Jack the moment he met him. He loved that coat. He remembered the 'harassment', as Ianto liked to call it, at work. He would never file a complaint though. He liked it too much.

He remembered staying at Jacks house after their camping trip in the country. He must have woken up screaming and shaking at least 50 times, but Jack was always there. Whispering sweet nothings and holding him tight till he fell back asleep again…

A tear fell of Ianto's nose and fell 20 feet. Jack was gone now. Suddenly memories of Jack holding that gun to his head after they found Lisa came to play in Ianto's mind. He could feel the barrel on his head and it sent him teetering forward till half of his feet were hanging off the edge.

He looked down, and the space between him and floor seemed to get bigger and smaller every second. He sighed deeply. Two people he'd loved had left him now. Torchwood was killing him. Everyone said that no one would reach past 30. The 26 year old laughed to himself lightly. This was slightly different…

He loved his job keeping an eye on the world. "The 21st century is where everything changes" and all that malarkey. Not that Ianto would get to this oh so drastic change that Jack goes on and on about.

Another tear falls slowly down his face and drops to the bottom of the ditch. Ianto's sighs as he simply stands and watches the clouds move in the dark night sky. He hears the woman's voice still calling out but she's yet to find Ianto.

Tosh is wondering about aimlessly in the god forsaken woodland. She swears to herself desperately trying to find Ianto. Then she has an idea and nearly kicks herself for not thinking of it earlier.

Ianto always has his com system on him. Tosh pulls out her trusty tracking device and punches in Ianto's name then starts to follow the dotted line from one square that indicated her location, and Ianto's square. She thanked the God's as he wasn't too far away, however Ianto hadn't moved in a while, she prayed she wasn't too late. She prayed that Ianto wouldn't end up hurting himself, which was inevitable in the state he was in.

She runs as quickly as her legs can carry her, jumping over logs and rocks, hitting branches and leaves out the way, she can see Ianto now, he's just standing there.

Then Tosh sees him fall.