Disney Diaries #1 - Elsa
(a Frozen fan-fiction told through Elsa's diary entries)
Author's Note: This is the first story from an idea I had to tell the stories of characters from the perspective of their own private journals. This one is based on the characters and events in Disney's Frozen, and explores Elsa's inner turmoil in dealing with the aftermath of her sister Anna's accident up until her own coronation day (after which, she likely wouldn't have had her journal to write in). I know this is not the usual format for a fanfiction story, but I something that has been in the back of my mind to do for a long time. This is my first ever submission and I look forward to any constructive feedback that can help me improve.
Dear Diary,
I've always known that having this power was a curse. From the first time I threw a tantrum as a toddler and caused a blizzard in the nursery, I knew there was something wrong with me-that I wasn't normal. But never in my darkest nightmares could I have imagined that this wicked defect could bring harm to anyone other than me. Until yesterday. Yesterday was the worst day of my life.
Last night I made it snow in the hall. I know I'm not supposed to; but Anna wanted to play and I just love being able to make her happy. If there were one "good" thing about this stupid ability of mine, it's that I could always use it to bring a smile to my sister's face. But I should've known better. I'm her big sister. I'm supposed to protect her and instead…
There was an accident. I could have killed the one person who means more to me than anyone in the entire world. I've always known that the powers were dangerous, but they are more than that. I'm not just dangerous; I am a full blown monster. No one should have the ability to kill another person so easily without actual contact. But had I struck Anna's heart instead of her head, that's exactly what would've rock troll who healed her said that there's no coming back from a frozen heart. I know this better than anyone because my own heart is now frozen. It has to be. Every time I allow myself to be weak—to give in to emotion of any kind—terrible things can happen.
"Conceal, don't feel." That's what father says I must do. If anyone were to find out my true nature…that I am not a princess, but in fact a monster…my whole family could be in jeopardy. But I don't think he realizes what he's asking. To feel is to be human and to shut off my emotions completely is to condemn myself to solitude. But it's what I must do. So yes, my heart is frozen. That is the way I must think of it to prevent myself from feeling the guilt of what happened to Anna and the sadness that though I am still her sister, things will never again be how they once were. Even now, as I write this and hold back icy tears from rolling down my cheek, I can feel the frost building at the tips of my fingertips. This diary is now the keeper of my would-be feelings. All of the things I can't allow myself to feel will be kept safe on these pages, where emotions cannot turn to ice. With all memories of magic erased from Anna's mind, my time with her must be limited for her own protection. I want to say that I'll miss her…but that is yet another feeling I can't afford.
Dear Diary,
I seem to be getting better at pretending to be normal. In public, I've always managed to suppress the magic. It's part of being a princess, in general really. We are to always be refined and proper. But when no one was watching, Anna and I had always been allowed to run and play as little girls should. I suppose we still could…but I'm too afraid. What if I were to hurt her again? What if it was worse this time? That's a chance I'm just not willing to take, especially now that my family has decided to keep the magic a secret from my sister.
But I get so bored sometimes. And I know that Anna is lonely. I am too. I want so badly to tell her the secret. To at least explain to her why we can't play together as we once did. But that might only hurt her more. Instead, I find other ways to keep busy. In the confines of my bedroom I practice not letting my feelings get the best of me, and I practice how not to accidentally freeze things with a wave of my hand.
But every once in a while…when everyone else is asleep and I'm completely alone, I build a snowman.
Dear Diary,
"Do you want to build a snowman?" She asks.
Everyday, she asks. And I do want to…more than anything. I want to run and play and share secrets with my sister like we did before. She still remembers all the fun we used to have, but nothing about the magic. I wish she'd forget. Then she'd just think that I've always been a mean old hermit who never leaves her room. She wouldn't have fond memories to make her remember the time when we were real sisters and best friends. I wish so badly that I could forget myself. Making excuses is too painful so I've begun to just ignore her. Sometimes I snap back, "Go away!" How awful she must think I've become. I try to imagine myself as a wicked ice witch who cares for no one. I feel like it would be easier to give in to the monster I was obviously meant to be, than to continue on this way. But as long as my family is alive and well, I will always love them. And as long as there is love in my heart, can I truly be a monster? But then I forget, my heart is frozen now…so maybe I could be if I really tried.
Dear Diary,
Another day of going through the motions…another sleepless night of trying to suppress everything I shouldn't have felt today. The gloves my father gave me seem to help in situations where I am forced to be outside of my room. Surely it is no accident that those situations seem to be fewer and farther between now and for that I am grateful.
More than anything I want to make my parents proud. I've disappointed them so much already. I want to show them that I can be the person they are counting on me to be…that I'm not a monster. Everyday I try to learn to control "the curse." It's me against the cold. Good vs. evil. But if I am good and it is evil, am I not evil too because it is a part of me? Mother says "no". But I'm not so sure.
Dear Diary,
Darkness and cold has fallen all around me. I am lost in a blizzard of hopelessness, completely alone. Chilled to the bone, I thrash ice at every corner of my room. My world now along with my heart has completely frozen over. Conceal? …No. Don't feel? …I wish! If I only I could "not feel!" If I could only take away the pain! From the 2 foot blanket of snow that now covers my floor to the icicles hanging above me that I wish would fall down and strike my heart to end the misery, this is my pathetic existence. This is me, out in the cold and forever alone. Alone that is, except for Anna. She too is now alone as I can be of no comfort to her. I'd give anything for that not to be true. I'd give anything to be able to hold and comfort her through the loss of her parents after already losing her sister so long ago. I want to fling open my bedroom door and run to her! But I can't.
"Get a grip, Elsa." I think to myself.
"Conceal. Don't feel. Protect Anna from the cold of your curse just as you always have."
And as I sit there on the floor surrounded by the harsh realities of my cold new world, I sit here, and I cry alone. And I let Anna sit and cry alone. And although I know she is just outside my bedroom door, we have never been farther apart.
Dear Diary,
I have been dreading today since the night my parents died. Coronation Day. Today is the day that I officially become queen of Arendelle. The gates will be open and there will be every opportunity for the world to see me as the freak I really am. "It's only one day..." I keep repeating to myself. "Don't let them see...Conceal...Don't feel…" et cetera and so on. As long as everything goes according to plan, I see no reason why this shouldn't go smoothly. If I don't relax, my own anxiety will be the thing that gives me away.
Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be the successor to my parents' throne. But what kind of queen can I possibly be? The kingdom needs a leader. All I can do is hide. I've become rather good at it, to be honest. But I can never be the ruler they need me to be...the ruler my parents would have wanted me to be.
And so, dearest diary, I have made a decision. Once Anna gets married and starts a family of her own, I am leaving. I can't tell Anna of my plan because she won't understand and she'd surely try to talk me out of it. But I am only thinking of her when I say that she and everyone else will be better off without me. The real challenge will be helping her find someone suitable. This will be particularly difficult with our "closed gate" policy...yet another detriment Anna has suffered by having the misfortune of being my sister. But in time, I am certain she will find someone as noble and caring as our father. He will make her happy and they will live out their lives together and she will no longer have to be lonely.
I, on the other hand, will be completely alone. Then again, the only difference is that I currently have the illusion of not being alone, but in all truthfulness, I have been on my own for quite some time now. I suspect that not seeing Anna everyday will be difficult at first, but in time, the pain will ease. I will be at peace knowing that my sister is finally happy and that I can bring her no harm.
Where will I go? I'm not sure yet. But in the midst of this cruel curse that has been thrust upon me, I must believe that there is some silver lining...if only that I can survive the cold of the deep woods. Am I afraid? Only that Anna will never forgive me. But if that's what it takes for her to move on and be happy, then so be it. Maybe alone in the wilderness is where I've been destined to be all along. And maybe, just maybe, I can find peace there...if not (dare I say it) happiness.
But all this, of course, is only after I am certain Anna will be looked after. I want her to experience all the love and warmth that I've had to shut her off from all these years. As for me, I'll be just fine. I've grown accustom to solitude...I almost prefer it. Besides, the cold never bothered me anyway.