Sanctuary

†

This is my room, my sanctuary. Ever since the war ended, I've never left this room. This is my room, filled with my tears, sorrow, and pain. I'm trying to escape, but not even my dreams will let me free. Nevertheless, I keep trying in my room. In my sanctuary.

I lay myself down on my bed, and watch the past events go by. The Justice. Genesis. He blew up his machine in a desperate attempt to save others. But you didn't save me. Not from this pain.

I shoot up from my bed, and I'm kneeling on the floor, gasping, sweating, screaming, clutching my head. It didn't happen, right? It's all a dream, right? I feel the bittersweet liquid running down my cheeks, but I can't stop crying. I faintly hear the door open and Kira shouting my name in panic. He's at my side, holding me, crying with me. He's telling me everything will be okay. He's telling me everything will be alright. Kira too tires to protect my dream world where I live. Even though he is my brother, he can't save me. Not from my reality. This is why I stay in this room. My room. My sanctuary.

Kira looks around for the reason I broke down, but I know he already knows. He pries open my hands to find a picture. Of him. Kira looks back at me, and tears are brimming in my eyes again. Kira wants to protect my dream world, but he knows it's necessary to tell me that one piece of information again.

"Cagalli…" he said, embracing me. "Athrun… he isn't here anymore. He can't come back. He's gone now, Cagalli."

I weep into his chest for what feels like eternity. Through the tears I struggle to speak.

"I-It was my fault… It was my fault that he died. I was weak, Kira. I was too weak, and I couldn't save him!"

Kira looks at me in despair. "It was not your fault Cagalli. He struggles to make me feel better, but his attempts go to no avail.

"We care for you, Cagalli. All of us do. Please, let us help you get though this," he said. I shook my head. He understands. He closed the door behind him as he left. I can faintly hear his voice, telling a maid to send Miss Clyne to my room. The maid questions, saying she is sleeping, but Kira replies that it's urgent.

A few minutes later I hear a knock at my door. It asked her to come in, but my voice was barely over a croak. Has my voice really changed so much? It sounds so different, so weak, like a voice in pain.

Lacus gently lays my head down in her lap telling me that it's okay. That it's okay to cry for the death of a loved one. I keep weeping as she softly sings. Soon, her song is done, and I feel better. Better enough to talk. Lacus will understand my pain.

"Why, Lacus? Why is he gone?" I still struggle to keep my voice straight.

"He died in an effort to protect other people. To protect the idea of peace. He was not a selfish person at all."

"But he was selfish enough to go and die! To die without considering how I would feel!"

Lacus did not reply. She held me and comforted me more, until I spoke again.

"Was it me? Did I drive him into doing this?" The thought of Athrun hating me was too much. I started to shake again.

"No, Cagalli. No. Athrun loved you more than anything. He would never hate you."

I look up at Lacus with the eyes of a lost child. She hugs me as Kira comes back into the room. They say such comforting words, to try and put me to ease. They try so hard but nothing works. Lacus offers to stay with me in my room until I go to sleep, but I refuse. I do not want to make anyone else suffer. She leaves my room with Kira at her side. This is my sanctuary, yet I feel so lonely inside.

I approach my mirror and look at the stranger before me. My hair is in a mess, there are bags under my eyes, and my skin is pale. It has been only two weeks and I've changed so much. In my reflection, I see someone behind me. My eyes widen. Am I hallucinating?

I spin around to face the midnight blue haired man behind me. I reach out for him.

"Are you real?"

He does not answer, but I'm pulled into his embrace. He feels so warm, so real. I try not to cry. He's here, my tears of despair are no longer needed. What is this familiar feeling though? I stay in his arms, and I realise that its happiness. I missed this feeling…

"I-I missed you so much, Athrun! I love you! Please, don't leave me again!" I clutched onto his shirt as he brought a hand up to my face and cupped it. He kissed me so softly, so sweetly, and I never want this feeling to go away.

"I love you, Athrun."

He looks away and he is becoming transparent. He materialises into nothingness. I collapse onto the ground. I'm screaming again, not caring who hears, begging him to come back. But I'm all alone now. In the emptiness of my sanctuary.

I hear running footsteps outside my door and Kira is at my side again, grabbing my shoulders, asking me what's wrong. I can't handle myself and the words come spilling out.

"Athrun! Athrun was here, Kira! I know it!" I look desperately into his eyes, frantically into his eyes, desperately asking him to tell me it's true.

"Cagalli…"

"No! I know he was here, Kira! He held me! He kissed me!" I brushed my fingertips across my lips, trying to confirm the feeling I had, but I realise that my lips don't remember it. I don't recognise it.

Kira is at a loss for words. He knows I was hallucinating, and he knows I know it too. And he also knows that I am in denial. My whole body and soul is filled with denial. Because I don't want to believe it's true. I don't want to believe that Athrun is dead. Denial is my sanctuary.

Kira kisses my forehead, and leave my room, thinking it's best for me to be alone for a while. I try to call for him to come back, but the words won't come out.

My mind is a mess – I don't know truth from like, reality from denial. My life is colourless. I am an empty shell without feeling or emotion. Everything I eat is tasteless. All I can taste is the salty tears that run down my face and my bitter blood. Every sound is so loud, screaming at me to believe the reality. But I'm running away. I've made a barrier. Reality is unable to get through to me. My barrier is my sanctuary.

A place where all illusions become real; the truth becomes false. The devastated soul is lost into the darkness. Beyond help, beyond the naked truth. Time stops – the world is dull, and all living things cease to grow. This is my world, my life.

I'm beginning to see Athrun again, but I know it's just an illusion.

This is where I live on the brink of insanity. This is my sanctuary.

†

(A/N): So… how'd you like it? I love writing depressing stories… humour just isn't my area. I love the part where Cagalli is hallucinating though. The inspiration for the story this time was just the word "sanctuary". It's actually the name of that song by Nami Tamaki for the Kiba opening song. Well anyways please R&R:)