AN: for the prompt: Natsume Yuujinchou (Tanuma/Natsume): youkai battle gone wrong

~O~O~O~

Tanuma is bleeding. That is the only thing pressing in on Natsume's mind even though the ayakashi is still there, held at bay by Nyanko-sensei's claws. It shouldn't even have been able to directly touch him. Tanuma wasn't like Natsume. He couldn't see and feel ayakashi to the same extent.

Guilt hit next. If Natsume hadn't invited Tanuma to walk home with him… If Natume hadn't stopped to admire the dogwood blossoms—there hadn't been blossoms, but he hadn't known that… If Natume had had Nyanko-sensei with him. If Natsume had been a moment faster. If Natsume hadn't gotten close to Tanuma at all…

On the ground, Tanuma coughed, getting air back in his lungs from where the ground and the ayakashi had slammed it out of him. His right arm is at an odd angle and Natsume can't tell if it's from a broken arm or if his shoulder was dislocated. There's blood on Tanuma's face and soaking through his shirt where the ayakashi's long claws slit through Tanuma's shirt. Tanuma could have been impaled.

"Oi! Natsume!" Nyanko-sensei yells. His teeth clamp tight to the weasel ayakashi—an ayakashi that guarded the dogwood tree spirit with mad single minded obsession—but he was being driven back. "Get the brat and run."

Natsume jolts, air rushing back into his lungs as if he was the one that had been knocked aside. For once, he doesn't have a scratch or bruise on him.

Tanuma coughs, whimpers, and Natsume runs to him, helping him sit up. Tanuma gasps raggedly when his right arm moves, too out of breath to scream.

"Tanuma-kun," Natsume says, hands shaking. "Tanuma-kun, can you move?"

"I…" He coughs again, disoriented. The weasel ayakashi shrieks making hair rise along both their spines, but Natsume doesn't look. Tanuma holds out his good arm and Natsume slings it around his shoulders. Tanuma groans when he is on his feet. Natsume staggers under his dead weight, but this is nothing. This is nothing when Tanuma is making pained sounds with each step and Nyanko-sensei is roaring in the background a counterpoint to the weasel's shrill cry.

"It's okay. You're going to be okay." Natsume repeats it with each step though he doesn't believe it. His shirt is sticky with Tanuma's blood where they touch and Tanuma's gasps are turning into small grunts of pain as his breathing regulates again.

"Ponta." Tanuma gasps after an undefined amount of time. "Is he…?"

"I don't know." The sounds of fighting are getting quieter, but Nyanko-sensei's snarls don't bode well. It means he's having trouble and if Nyanko-sensei gets hurt… If he gets hurt, none of them will make it out of this in one piece because Natsume has no illusions about his ability to fight off the weasel spirit without any sort of tools like Natori uses. "Everything will be okay."

"…Hurts," Tanuma admits.

"I know." It's all he can do to be the strong one right now. Natsume wants to cry, but instead he puts one foot in front of the other and keeps walking. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Tanuma slurs. His steps are lagging, feet dragging as more and more of his weight drags against Natsume's side.

Natsume glances down and feels panic twist in his gut. There is too much blood. Tanuma needs a hospital and Natsume is too weak to do this himself. On instinct, he opens his mouth to call for Nyanko-sensei, but Sensei can't help right now. His throat feels tight. Stopping, he can't bring himself to move forward. Tanuma groans softly. "Misuzu," Natsume whispers. It's the only other name that comes to mind. "Misuzu!"

There's no time to dig out the book or to draw a summoning circle. Instead, he places all his will and desperation into Misuzu's name and hopes it will be enough.

~O~

Tanuma lives. Tanuma lives, Tanuma lives, Tanuma lives, and Natsume cannot stop thinking those words over and over to himself as he sits at Tanuma's bedside in the hospital. Taki has come and gone. Tanuma's father is getting dinner. He offered to get Natsume some, but the idea of eating had almost made Natsume throw up, so he'd declined. With the soft, regular blip of the heart monitor and the hush of Tanuma's steady breathing, it is a world away from the attack.

Even though he wants to, he can't quite bring himself to hold Tanuma's hand. Instead, he looks at it and the IV taped to it and wonders where he went wrong this time.

Misuzu had come in a rush and whisked them away, then he had gone to help Sensei. Natsume has not heard from either of them since, but he can't imagine that the weasel ayakashi is strong enough to beat either one of them, let alone their combine efforts.

The heart monitor's steady sound speeds up and Tanuma's breaths hitch. The hand in front of Natsume's eyes twitches. Natsume lifts his eyes to Tanuma's face where his brow is creased and his eyelashes flutter against too-pale cheeks.

Tanuma stares blearily at the blank wall at the other end of the room, and for a moment he looks resigned, like he knew exactly where he had woken up and it was far more familiar than he would have liked. Natsume remembered how Tanuma mentioned his poor health over the years. The hospital probably is more familiar than he would have liked. After a moment, Tanuma glances around to take in the rest of the room. He glances past Natsume before focusing on him.

"Your father is getting food," Natsume whispers. Now that Tanuma is awake and aware, Natsume wants to flee. He doesn't. Instead he studies his hands clenched in his lap where they are unscratched and unbruised. They rest above a shirt borrowed from the medical staff. His shirt had been ruined with Tanuma's blood. "Tanuma, I'm so sorry. If I hadn't wanted to—"

"Natsume." Tanuma's voice is hoarse, but his eyes are focused and aware. "Are you okay? Did it hurt you?"

And Natsume's heart breaks. He can't look Tanuma in the eye. Nails biting into his palms, Natsume turns his torso away. "I'm fine. You're the one that got hurt."

"Thank goodness." Tanuma sighs. "I thought you had been hit too. You never look after your own safety first."

"I'm fine," Natsume repeats. "It never even touched me. I'm fine."

"Ponta?"

"I don't know."

Tanuma shifts. The heart monitor speeds up and resettles. "He's strong."

"I know."

"Natsume?"

Natsume flinches as Tanuma's cold fingers fumble at the back of his hand. Without thought he pulls away, hunching into himself. "…Taki was here," he blurts. "She told me to tell you she would bring flowers later." It feels like his muscles creak with how tense they are. "And the doctors say you should be out of here in another day. They wanted to observe since you lost a lot of blood."

"Natsume. Look at me."

He glances up and away quickly, just enough to see Tanuma frowning. "I… I should probably go. Nyanko-sensei…Nyanko-sensei might be hurt and Touko-san is probably wondering where I am." Natsume stands and everything aches. It feels fitting since Tanuma is hurt in a hospital bed.

"Takashi."

The use of his first name stops Natsume before he can get more than a few steps away.

"It's not your fault."

The air feels too thin. Natsume breathes and feels shaky.

"It's not. If I walked that way alone, the same thing probably would have happened, but I wouldn't have had Ponta or you to help me. You helped me."

"I didn't." That more than anything else feels right on Natsume's lips. "You've only met and seen more dangerous ayakashi since we met. I haven't helped you at all."

"I don't feel alone anymore."

The ache inside intensifies. He had felt that way too when he found Taki, Tanuma, and Natori. "I'm sorry," Natsume says.

He brushes into Tanuma's father returning, two portions of food in his hands after all, but Natsume can't stay here. He bows even as he keeps walking. It's not until he's thinking about how he can keep Tanuma and Taki—because if Tanuma got hurt, Taki will someday too—out of his life that he realizes just how firmly they had fitted themselves into it in the first place.

He has friends who know him, all of him, for the first time and all he can think about is pushing them away. It makes him want to laugh as much as he wants to cry. Sometimes he wonders if his grandmother ever had these problems. In the end he always comes to the conclusion that she probably never even tried to reach out to humans.

Whoever his grandfather is, did she finally make a connection with him?

He'll never know, and Natsume supposed he'll never let himself get that close to someone else even if he wants to.

~O~

Nyanko-sensei is a ball of fat and fluff in Natsume's bedroom, but when Natsume gets close, he can see the cuts and scrapes between the fur and places where Nyanko-sensei has already begun healing. It makes him feel like he failed again, this time to protect his protector. Nyanko-sensei grumbles as Natsume pulls the first aid kit out.

"I demand grilled squid for this," he whines. "Natsume, buy me grilled squid! And let me eat your dessert! Touko-san made custards!"

"Okay," Natsume says after listening to the demands for a while. He tightens a bandage around Nyanko-sensei's chubby leg. "You can have all the food you want."

Nyanko-sensei cuts off mid whine and narrows his eyes up at him. "Oi, Natsume. Stop moping."

"I'm not moping." He ties the next bandage too tight making Sensei squirm until he fixes it.

Sensei smacks his hands away with claws half extended. "A dangerous ayakashi was stopped ad no one was killed."

"But Tanuma was…"

"He knows the risks."

"Of being with me?" Natsume asks bitterly.

"Of sensing ayakashi." Sensei's eyes become slits. "He is seeing more now. His powers are getting stronger and that will draw attention just like you draw attention."

"But he draws twice as much attention when he's with me!" Tanuma had had more close calls just by being near Natsume than he had the whole rest of the time he was on his own.

"Then leave," Nyanko-sensei says, like it's that simple. "If you worry so much about humans, just walk away. There are plenty of ayakashi that would welcome you."

The soft roll of bandages turns over in Natsume's hands. He can still hear Touko preparing a late dinner from leftovers for him and Shigeru moving from his office to the bathroom. Leaving would make them sad and he wouldn't be able to repay their kindness.

"But you don't really want to leave, do you?" Sensei prods.

Natsume huffs and finishes bandaging Nyanko-sensei's back. "Just for that, I'm having my dessert. You'll have to beg Touko-san for scraps."

"Oi! You said I could have it! Na~tsu~me!"

With that routine restored, Natsume pushes the first aid kit away. He doesn't want to leave. But how can he keep everyone safe? He promised Tanuma he'd be more open with him, and it has only led to more danger even if it has brought their friendship closer. There is no right answer here, and Natsume doesn't know what to do.

~O~

To Nastume's surprise, Tanuma corners him in his bedroom two days later without warning, Touko-san having let him up without question. Perhaps he had been too quiet and worried her. Perhaps the sling on Tanuma's arm and the bandage peeking out from under the fringe of his bangs are enough for her to not question. Either way, Natsume has no chance to prepare and nowhere to run. Tanuma blocks the doorway and looks at him for a long minute.

"They released me from the hospital," he says. "Nothing was broken, just a dislocated shoulder, some blood loss, and stitches. And bruises, but that's a given."

Natsume says nothing, unable to keep his surprise and worry off his face.

"You didn't come back." Natsume flinches and Tanuma observes it without comment. "You were planning on avoiding me again weren't you? Were you planning to avoid Taki and Kitamoto and Nishimura too?"

"I…"

"You were." Tanuma sighs. He closes his eyes and Natsume can see the strain his body has been through the past few days in the circles below his eyes.

"Haven't we got to the point where you can trust us?"

"I do trust you!" Natsume protests.

"Do you?" Tanuma lifts an eyebrow. "From where I stand it looks like you can't trust us to make our own choices or handle the results."

"I trust you," Natsume repeats. "I…I don't really trust myself."

Tanuma moves from the doorway, crouching in front of Natsume though it has to be uncomfortable for his side. "You did everything right. You got us out of the situation, got me to safety, and sent backup for Ponta. It was an accident and you made sure we got through it alive."

"I panicked. I couldn't stop it from happening."

Tanuma sighs again. "You expect too much from yourself. Things happen. You made the best of it." He pokes Natsume's shoulder with his good hand. It still has the bandage from where the IV was in it. "Speaking of Ponta…" He glances around the room.

"Already out drinking again," Natsume says. "He's okay."

"Good." Tanuma smiles. He settles down cross-legged at Natsume's side, close enough that their thighs would touch if Natsume relaxed even a little bit. "Now what did I miss at school?"

Natsume studies him. Tanuma looks tired and uncomfortable but equally stubborn and Natsume knows he won't be allowed to run away. He's not sure what he's done to deserve that kind of friendship. There is a choice to be made, and Natsume makes it, relaxing that little bit that he can allow himself with friends. Tanuma is warm next to him. "I can get my notes. We didn't go over much."