Masked Desires
"Mother Always Used to Say…"
By: mypandas7
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter.
I've never really given much thought to who I would fall in love with.
Romance had never been an issue for me. It would be an understatement if I said it was easy for me to woo the heart of any girl. I could hold her captive and have her begging to be mine with one hair flip and longing glance. It was pathetic really.
I lived vicariously in sex. Girls would come and girls would go – none of them really mattered. And personally, I couldn't care less what they did. I suppose they were just an outlet for me. A way to pleasure myself and a way to allow me, even for just a moment, forget everything. My past. My mom. Who I was. Everything.
Now that I think about it, I suppose I was subconsciously looking for someone – trying to fill the void… but it failed. Every girl who succumbed to the passing whim of Sirius Black just wasn't good enough. Not that they weren't pretty or nice or anything like that. Oh, they were desirable, don't get me wrong. But whenever I was with them, I felt empty. Some of them may have truly loved me, but how could we possibly be together when I had to force myself to even look at them? I was kidding myself if I thought that one of those girls could possibly satisfy me emotionally. And I needed someone who understood what it was like. To understand what it felt like to have a void in my heart – a gaping hole courtesy of my crazy-ass mother.
Mother… Such a beautiful word should not apply to such a close-minded, abusive bitch. Such a sweet word should not leave a bitter taste in my mouth when I speak the name of the woman who birthed me. She pushed her views onto me; how she thought I should be. Coming from a pureblood family, values of being superior were drilled into my head. Heaven forbid should I associate with mudbloods. Or halfbreeds. Or muggles. Even fags. Especially fags.
Maybe that's what started everything. Having been strictly taught to be straight that is. It was so ground into me that I should be with a woman, that I subconsciously sought the company of females, completely ignoring my own feelings. Somewhere deep down, I knew that no woman could truly make me happy, but I pushed those thoughts aside.
Now, I know I like men. There's no denying it now and I'm not sure when I started to realize this. Was it because I just got along better with guys? Just being able to rough house and joke, to have a mutual understanding? Who knows…
What I do know is that my first crush was James Potter, my best friend. I didn't realize I was in love with him at the time, but James cared about me more than anyone. We got along perfectly and complimented each other. There was never a James without a Sirius. We were best friends. He even took me in when my bitch of a mother threw me out. I loved James more than anyone. But James did not love me in the same way because he was head over heels with Lily Evans. I knew what was best for my friend and encouraged him to go out with Lily even though I raged with jealousy. At first, I thought it was because I wanted Lily, but looking back I can see that I wanted James. I never told James, and I never plan to.
I also never told Remus I had a crush on him. Remus Lupin was my second crush. With Remus, I was a more aware of my feelings and realized I was attracted to him. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought we had a connection both being a bit of a dog. Me an animagus and him a werewolf. We both had that animalistic instinct. But I knew we would never be together because Remus seemed a little homophobic and he refuses to start a relationship with anyone. He's deathly afraid he's going to eat people he's close to or something come the full moon. It's stupid really, but there's no convincing him.
Now that I realize my true preferences, I'm dying to go out with a guy but am too ashamed to make it public. I still court women only to keep my reputation intact. Am I going to be tortured forever?
No. I know I will get past all that at some point, with someone special. I will get a man who loves me and understands what it is like to be so completely alone in the world. I know this because there is no way I will ever abide by my mother's rules.
Mother always used to say I would be the disappointment of the family, and I'm going to prove her right. I've already broke away from the family, and befriended mudbloods and halfbreeds. Someday, I'm going to rebel against her and all pureblood prejudice by falling in love with a man. Someday.
A/N: Hi, I'm Valkyrie, formerly known as Chaos. I haven't written a fanfiction for quite some time, so I'm trying my hand at it again. This first chapter is first person in Sirius' point of view, but I'm mostly going to be writing in third person. Every once in a while, in a separate chapter, I'll switch back to first person, but not very often.
Tell me what you think in a review.