~The Very Secret Diary of Gender-unspecified PC, Son/Daughter of Esmerelle~

by Llandaryn

Day 1

Won harvest brawl with bestest best pals Bevil and Janie. Got terrible bruise on cheek but well worth it to beat Mossfeld brothers. Brother Merring awfully quick to offer to heal my wounds. Am slightly disturbed.

Day 1.5

Is my face red. Just discovered bestest best pal of many years actually called Amie, not Janie. Luckily she's dead, so it doesn't matter.

Day 2

Daeghun sending me to Neverwinter to meet long lost uncle and deliver shard which I dug up from swamp ruins. Looking forward to adventure but not trek through swamp full of dead people.

Day 5

Found a dwarf with shiny head and big axe. Wonder if he's compensating. Will find out on journey.

Day 10

Rescued half-demon woman from grabby soldiers. She's very grateful. Even pinched my buttocks when I turned around. At least, I think it was her. Khelgar looking very smug...

Day 15

Was ambushed by small dark people, luckily saved by alluring elven druid named Elanee. Tried to tell her that we don't want to go to Eridis but she threatened us with dire badger, so complying for now. Dire badger looks v. vicious and rabid.

Day 20

Fought giant bear and won. Dying bear said something about corrupted land but was too busy avoiding badger to pay much attention.

Day 30

Finally in Neverwinter. Met unwashed uncle in disturbingly empty tavern. Khelgar got drunk and started hitting on Elanee. As a result, had to send him to healers at temple of Tyr to have dire badger removed from uncomfortable place.

Day 31

Joined city watch and rescued sorceress from badly dressed academy students. In hindsight, wish I had killed them all. Sorceress v. whiny, also has nasty pyromaniac tendencies.

Day 37

Off to Old Owl Well to rescue some emissary. Have dreadful sense of foreboding.

Day 40

Seem to have acquired gnome. Not sure how. Whole incident rather perplexing, and as a result Khelgar will not shut up about spring-mounted mechanical codpiece. Suspect badger incident affected him more than he's letting on.

Day 42

Greycloak intel v. bad. Arrived at Bonegnasher lair to find nefarious wizard masquerading as emissary. Not sure why. Life of emissary hardly glamorous. Would have suggested masquerading as famous singer but had to kill him.

Day 43

Companions v. annoying. Khelgar refuses to shut up about codpiece. Neeshka keeps telling me how to pronounce her name, even when not asked. Elanee harping on about the land. Qara whining that it's too hot, or too cold, or too orcy. Have told her 'orc caves, what do you expect?'. Grobnar trying to design saddle for Elanee's dire badger. Suspect I will soon wish we brought a healer with us.

Day 45

Ran into holy warrior. Elanee and Qara making puppy-eyes at him. Khelgar tried to examine his codpiece and got concussion for trouble. Paladin agreed to lead us to Eyegouger lair. Hope name not indicative of pastimes.

Day 51

Rescued Emissary, killed big orc chieftain, now heading back to Neverwinter. Casavir annoying me by keep mentioning Old Owl Well, so had Grobnar paint "I love Cyric" on the back of his armour as he slept.

In other news, design for dire badger saddle coming along nicely. Dire badger oddly reluctant to bite gnome. Grobnar mentioned something about badger liking small hands, but I conveniently blanked out rest of conversation. Probably better not knowing.

Day 60

Beginning to suspect have peeved off major deity. Everybody I meet wants to kill me. Got invited to surprise party at Archives but turns out was just another ambush by githyanki. V. depressing as lead githyanki v. hot.

Day 64

Githyanki kidnapped Shandra. Believe they are jealous of her long blonde hair, and the way she always touches my arm whilst pouting. Am rather glad to be rid of the little whinger but Casavir insists we rescue her. Bloody holy warriors. Have enlisted help of angsty unwashed ranger in tracking githyanki. Must remember to ask him where he gets eyeliner.

Day 69

Have been ambushed yet again. Luckily stalwart companions more than match for pimply githyanki nerds. Casavir keeps offering to lay hands on Bishop. Suspect it is excuse for manly cuddle. Bishop not buying it.

Day 74

Made gentle suggestion to Bishop that he have bath but he threatened to shoot me in the head if mentioned again. Have come to believe that he has issues. Khelgar continues to attempt sneaking into Casavir's pants. Grobnar has abandoned dire badger saddle and turned to designing new improved eyeliner pencil.

Wish I had brought the women along instead.

Day 80

Rescued Shandra and almost back to Flagon. Group shenanigans continue. Discovered I have shard of broken githyanki sword lodged in my chest. Am surprised, as Brother Merring's rather in-depth medical examinations never mentioned this. Am considering asking for refund.

Day 81

Have been accused of slaughtering entire village of innocents.

Bugger.

Day 83

Am heading back to Ember with effeminate elven wizard and rest of miscreants. Met some nice people in Port Llast. Have been invited to party there next week, providing am still alive then.

Day 86

Befriended tribe of goblins and giant magical spider. Suspect spider more intelligent than entire party combined. Offered to feed it Grobnar but it waved its legs in horror and ran away.

Definitely intelligent.

Day 90

Have been proven innocent by court of law but skanky Luskan bint claimed right of Tyr. Must now fight Vin Diesel. Crap.

Day 90.5

Spent hours staring at boring statue. Sand stopped by for encouraging pep talk and reassuring cuddle. Hinted that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Told him to wait until after fight. Bishop also stopped by. Tried to cuddle me but told him to bathe first, so he stomped off in a sulk.

Khelgar offered to fight Lorne for me, but at time I thought he said "Do you want to see my underpants?" Told him no before realised that wasn't what he asked. Must pay more attention in future.

Day 93

Won fight against Lorne and am now being sent by Lord Nasher to Crossroad Keep to rescue kidnapped sage and thwart evil wizard's plans to become one with King of Shadows.

Am I the only competent person in the realm?

Day 96

Have thwarted evil wizard's plans, rescued githzerai woman from Keep, and survived another trying journey with companions. On down side, missed the party in Port Llast. Amused self instead by stealing Bishop's eyeliner and hiding it in Casavir's backpack.

Overheard Sand say to Grobnar that he wants to take their relationship to the next level. Have become disillusioned about whole elven race.

Neeshka still pinching my buttocks when my back is turned. Am tempted to sleep with her just to spite Sand.

Day 105

Have been lumbered with crumbling Keep as punishment for offering hair-loss reversal tonic to Lord Nasher. Am rather peeved, as was hoping to elope with Neeshka. Casavir obviously jealous of our relationship as keeps mentioning his abilities with his hands.

In other news, am informed by Grobnar that Khelgar is indeed over-compensating with large axe. Am slightly disturbed by newest member of group. Zhjaeve keeps saying she knows me. Is making Neeshka jealous. Asked her if she knew where Bishop was hiding his supply of eyeliner pencils but she just said "know that I believe in you, Kalach'Cha." Beginning to suspect she suffers same affliction as the gnome.

Day 107

Completed four parts of Ritual of Purification, only to find fifth statue destroyed by Shadow Reaver. Major pain in the neck. Was hoping to demonstrate new abilities as party trick during annual Neverwinter dance next week. Sparkly magic lights would probably have gone down better than dirty jokes.

Also discovered home village destroyed. Will miss Brother Merring.

Day 110

Following advice from Aldanon, have travelled to Ammon Jerro's haven. Gained entry and killed many demons but Ammon killed Shandra before we could stop him. Suspect Ammon was jealous of her long blonde hair. Wonder why bald men so common. Derived immense pleasure from telling Casavir and Bishop that their own hair loss is inevitable. As a result, alignment shifted to chaotic evil.

It was worth it.

Day 112

Nevalle, that poncy git, dragged me back to Castle Never to be knighted. Was pleased that large crowd turned up for party, but not so surprised when party turned into ambush. Fought way to Lord Nasher and asked him about acquiring harem of maidens to go with new knighthood and Keep. He just laughed and clapped my shoulder in friendly manner.

?

Day 123

As per Nasher have consolidated alliances with dwarves and lizardmen. Tried to find place where Grobnar assured me Wendersnaven were holding massive party, but got ambushed by orcs. Had Neeshka paint 'paladins get me horny' on back of Grobnar's armour as he slept.

Likewise, druid Circle turned out to be dead end. Druid corrupted by taint of the land, possibly related to large talking tree. Killed them all and let Qara burn the tree. Also let Bishop kill Elanee. Am disturbed by his attack cry of 'And that is for rejecting my wholesome and well-intentioned advances!'

Zhjaeve continues to assure me that she knows me. Ammon won't shut up about the hells. Does my entire party have issues?

Day 126

Have reforged Sword of Gith. Major anticlimax. Got ambushed by Reaver and his undead minions but used new sword to kick undead butt.

Day 127

Invited to sleep-over party by Sydney Natale. Wanted to take dire badger as partner but Sydney invited Qara and Zhjaeve too. Am unsure why. Sand cuddled me before he left but was blatant attempt to make Neeshka jealous. Told him he would never lead me astray.

Day 130

Big sleep-over party turned out to be ambush. Am most displeased.

Day 136

Nasher wounded in battle near Keep but sadly survived. Have been reliably informed that this Keep is only thing standing between countless hordes of unstoppable undead and Neverwinter.

Crap.

Day 137

Night before battle. Everybody being melancholy. Sand came into my bedroom for reassuring cuddle. Managed to distract him with Guyven. Zhjaeve showed up and told me she wanted to know me better. Informed her that timing wasn't right. Casavir also stopped by wanting to talk about Old Owl well. Redirected him to guidance counselor. Bishop tried to sneak into my room but told him stolen eyeliners not here. Don't think he believed me but left when I threatened to give him bath. After that I switched rooms with Guyven, otherwise would never have got full 8 hrs beauty sleep.

Day 138

Have been betrayed by Bishop. Should've seen it coming. Think last bath joke pushed him too far. Casavir v. angry. Suspect he would have liked last cuddle with ranger before he ran off.

Managed to defeat unholy avatar of King of Shadows. Also had Ammon read true name scroll of Garius, but bloody coward ran away before party could kill him.

Day 139

Teleported by Aldanon to Illefarn ruins. Neeshka magically kidnapped by Garius. Garius undoubtedly jealous of our relationship. Am trying to think of witty repartee for when we find him.

Day 139.5

Fought way through legions of undead, finally recovered Neeshka. She has been tortured, but Casavir leapt at chance to touch her. Told him not to be so grabby.

Also found Bishop. He told large tale about troubled background and his feelings to explain why he betrayed us. Who do I look like, Oprah? Managed to get him to leave by telling him where he could find stash of hidden eyeliners.

Qara joined forces with Garius. Not all that surprising. Always knew she was jealous of reassuring cuddles given to Sand.

Managed to defeat Garius and Qara, and am now facing King of Shadows. He has offered me chance to serve the shadow by killing all of my companions.

Am sorely tempted to accept.