Dean had forgiven Castiel for taking in Purgatory...but why had he taken the angel tablet after Naomi's control was broken? And now the tablet was gone for good…in the hands of demons…and Castiel barely got out of Crowley's grip after being shot by the Kind of hell.

Dean is furious. Why does Castiel always go away to try to fix things al alone instead of trusting the brothers?

Sam can only watch the friends fight in arguments over their points of view…and then Cas gives up…

Warning: Character is self-loathing and there is attempt of suicide in this. Who cannot handle that…should not read.

I was so angry sometimes that Dean cannot just take Cas and give him a hug instead of throwing his hurt feelings onto his already broken soul. I also think Castiel showed severe signs of depression during the show.

The broken tool

Chapter 1

Sam would have given nearly anything to stop Castiel and his brother arguing. But it seemed his wish would remain unfulfilled…

"Yeah? And all that upsets you is that a beloved "friend" didn't trust you? Do you even believe this yourself?" Castiel threw at Dean harshly. His former sad and quiet voices had started to change it's color in a way the angel only rarely had used before.

"What? No, you know what? Get it out of your system! We all would love to hear what really upsets me!" Dean's already pissed voice raised up a little more and a sarcastic tone mixed in his speaking.

„YOU know what, Dean? I'm so tired of this! You keep telling yourself that you're disappointed of a friend, but in fact you're disappointed about your disobeying "pet-angel"!"

Wow, Sam thought. That was a punch right in the gut.

"How dare you, Castiel?" Dean brought out between his gritted teeth. His fists were tightening.

Sam watched the friends arguing. He didn't like this situation and he absolutely didn't want to get it worse. He was relieved that Cas was back after that angel-tablet mess, and after being shot by Crowley and now finally safe in the bunker. He didn't think a second, that Castiel did, what he did because he mistrusted them in general. In some way he even could understand the angel.

He had to stop his brother from saying things, actually both of them, which they might regret minutes later for sure.

"Cas, we never thought of you in such a way. You can't seriously believe that!" Sam tried.

"Sam, I know YOU might be different, but Dean isn't."

And facing Dean he continued: „You are no different from Naomi or Crowley in the way you treat me! For all of you, heaven, hell, humanity…I'm just a tool in one or another way. But you know what? Naomi at least needed a literal tool to dig in my head and mess up with my thoughts and feelings. You in the contrary manage to do so with your sheer words! And how is that not proof that i was the right about what I just said?"

Despite the fact that Cas was jelling at Dean…Sam felt a hole inside his own chest by the words of their angelic friend. How could Cas even feel like this? Didn't they tell him often enough that he was family? He tried to think about it but was interrupted by his brother.

"If I wouldn't break my hand by the attempt to punch you straight in the face, I'd dig your nose into your skull with pleasure at this very moment! I TRUSTED you and spoke for you more often than you deserved it! After you did the deal with Crowley! After you ate damn purgatory! After all the many times you went out for yourself to do your business on your own without telling anybody! But now: your foolish and self-righteous behavior again managed to give a win to the enemy because now they have the damn angel tablet and do God- knows- what with it!"

"And if they'd kill all angels with it…What would it bother you anyway? We're just "dicks with wings" aren't we? Not to be trusted? Not worth a thing?"

"Guys!" Sam tried to interrupt once more but Dean just stomped his way towards Castiel, grabbed him by the gruff of his neck and pulled him closer to his face abrasively. Both men looked at each other with nothing but wrath and emotional disgust. Both faces were headed up from the yelling.

When Sam stood up to go in between he realized Castiel's shirt was growing a red color at the position of his fresh but obviously not completely healed shot wound again. Apparently it had started bleeding again. Dean didn't seem to see it…or he simply didn't care. The older hunter shook the angel again who twitched his eyes as if in pain but didn't mention anything.

"You better let me go, Dean!"

"Or fucking what? Will you punch me again? Like you did in this cave? Like you did when Naomi told you to?"

"This wasn't Cas's fold and you know that, Dean!" Sam bursted out in shock. Was Dean losing his last piece of common sense in that matter? He knew Castiel had been tortured and mind-washed. How could he say something like that!

Well…actually Sam had a very good idea about the why: because what Castiel did…what he just said about how Dean would treat him: it hurt the older Winchester deep to his core! Couldn't Cas see it? Dean's rage was born in dispair. He only got angry with people he cared about. A lot.

But Castiel seemed too angry to realize it…or too hurt. He just said blankly: "I knew it was a lie when you told me you'd understand. That you knew that I wasn't me! Again you're just angry the "tool" was working for someone else, eh? And after I awoke: I didn't fetch my master the tablet so that he can do as he pleases with it? Because only Dean Winchester knows what's best for the world?" Castiel seemed exhausted. Sam never had seen the angel being like that. It was more than just the situation. It seemed as if all emotions that Castiel always had hidden inside himself. All the rage, the frustration, the feelings of being alone, of being used…had burst out like the explosion of hot water out of a gysyer and after that had burned his husk dry of energy. And like the hot water the words had burn things down that should not be burned!

"The both of you STOP NOW!" Sam shouted putting a hand on the shoulder of each fighter. Dean stopped moving towards the angel. Castiel simply remained in his position.

"Let go of Cas, Dean. Please!"

Dean let go. But it was clear as blue that it only was because he didn't want to bother Sam further who appeared even more tired than before because of these damn trials he was going trough. And with a calmer voice Dean said: "A true friend would not go away and turn the back on his family while one of his chosen brothers is going through something like these trials. We could have needed you! Sam had needed you! YOU were the one who let US down. Like you always do. Just vanish and do your own thing."

Sam noticed something more in their faces. Moisture was crawling up in the corner of their eyes. Not only Dean's but also Castiel's. The younger hunter couldn't guess if it was only because of the anger or because of all the pain both of them felt inside. Someone had to say something to stitch the situation together again. To regain a healing process to this current fragile friendship.

Castiel cleared his throat: "You're right, Dean."

And with these words, spoken in a hoarse, broken voice the angel was gone. Sam tried to catch him but he was too slow and nearly struggled in the attempt of doing so. He couldn't believe what just happened!

"I knew it." Dean spit out and turned back to the table.

"That's it? Dean! Call him, Pray to him…whatever you do to speak with him. But just do it!"

"He had his chance. And again he decided to vanish! And we don't have time for this. You only will get better if we find more about how to finish the last trial. So we don't have time for nursing Cas's feelings."

"You acted like a dick, you know that? Right?"

"Me? What's up with you lately?"

"He did mean well with what he did! You know that! You didn't have to be so hard on him!"

"Why should I forgive him that easy? Again?"

Sam simply looked at his dumbass brother. Because Cas was family.

"Because it's Cas."

Castiel didn't know where to go. His head felt empty right at the moment. He knew he did the right thing! The angel tablet wasn't meant for the angels. And it wasn't meant for Dean's willing either. What if he had handed the tablet to Dean and Sam? What would they have done? Give it to the Prophet? Find weapons to fight his brethren better? Shut heaven so angels could not go out any more just like they planned to do with hell?

He didn't know but he knew that he didn't want the tablet to be used.

And now the demons had it. The angel tablet…the manual for the children of god in the hands of filthy demons. And it all was his fault. He had failed. Again. And for everything that happened from now on: he had to burden it on his shoulders as well as all the other misery he had brought over the world and heaven.

The energy outburst that had given him the strength to stand against Dean completly disappeared and only left his broken shell. He sensed a wet and warm sensation above his abdomen. When his hand touched it he felt blood soaking trough the shirt. In the moment he looked down he realized the pain again. The wound had reopened and hurt. Little fizzles of grace dropped out of the wound and vanished into the air.

He felt like the pain was something to hold on. Like he deserved to feel like that.

And he felt tired. Mentaly, emotionally and physically. When he looked around he realized that he just had landed in a field close to Bobbie's old house. Sadness settled down on his mind when he thought of the times when Bobby was still alive. At least the older hunter had been able to beat some sense into Dean Winchester. At least he had been able to get through to him most of the time. Castiel remembered some moments of feeling enclosure into a group like he did with his old garrison and with the host in heaven.

But as well he remembered himself sneaking inside the house, invisible for the Winchesters and the old drunk, spying on them. Betraying them. Dean speaking up for him…while he was right beside him knowing that he would fail the older brother again.

He felt sick in a way he'd never experienced before. Like a mental nausea that wanted him to throw out all the bad emotions and the self-loathing, the guilt and the loneliness. The feeling grumbled itself right insight his inner organs and started to nest in there.

He had to get rid of it.

Get rid of the feeling and get rid of the mistakes he made.

Get rid of the memories of Dean's face full of loath and hate for him.

Castiel didn't recognize his hand was searching for the sharp blade hidden in his sleeve. He was staring blankly at the junk-yard with the old cars still in place. Grown over with more plants than before. He didn't realize the pain that was warning him to stop doing what he did.

He just wanted it to be quiet inside. He wanted the voice, that was telling him how foolish he was, what a traitor and looser, to be out.

He felt somehow dull.

His knee touched the ground. Then the other. Why was that so? His sight began to blur. It was as if the Yard was jumping back and forth just for his amusement. Or was he jumping? His head felt like jumping. The voice inside began to faint. Finally. He didn't know why,but he didn't care either.

He couldn't go back to heaven. It wasn't his home any more. He couldn't get back to the bunker either. He had no family. No friends left. Sam perhaps. He had spoken up for him. He thought that the young hunter would understand. But he wouldn't let Sam loose energy on trying to stop his brother from being a dick. Sam would need everything to go through these trials. And he had enough fights with Dean. Castiel didn't want to be the cause of trouble between the brothers.

He didn't want to be the cause of trouble for anyone. He just had wanted to help.

Little spots began to dance in his sight. He felt like less caring about everything every second. That felt good somehow. Like this one time he became aware, that God didn't want to be found. When he went on his first bender to drink himself over the feeling of being left behind. Left alone.

His sentiment was similar now. Somehow he began to smile a bit. Then he raised his hand and saw the angel blade in it. Covered in blood.

Well, that was strange.

Blood? Why? He didn't know. He didn't care. The Blade slid out of his hand. Something inside his head told him to raise his grace for something. Healing? Feelings couldn't be healed and so he did nothing. Ignored the warning of his body, both the vessel and the true form. What did they both want anyway?

He stood up and began to walk towards the remains of the house. He didn't know what he was searching for. But to have a direction was helpful, though.

Behind him the grass got wet of the deep red drops falling down from the angel. He was leaving a red trace leading from the spot he had landed to Bobbie's old address. His tan trenchcoat began to change it's color from a beige tone to a reddish and so did his shirt. So did the rest of his suit.

He forgot why he was here. What he wanted to do. What the fuck he was feeling so bad about again? He'd lost it. It all was sucked into a welcome darkness growing at his outer sight.

Was he even walking anymore?

Who cared.

After they had watched the Men of letters film about healing their attempts of healing a demon, they switched the light on again. So this was it. That was something new.

"We have to go find this priest." Dean simply said. Sam was eager to find more about this new sort of exorcism. This could really finally be it. They really could need some backup.

"We should call Cas."

"The hell we do. We go alone. I'd rather go with you smashed up as you are than with Cas."

"You don't mean that."

"Believe it, Sammy."

Sam sighed. It was useless to speak with his brother in this current mood. And he was not in the condition to fight him. They started to search for the whereabouts of the former young priest, they had been seeing on the video. Sam secretly started his program to trace Cas's GPS data.

He hoped the angel didn't switch it off again like he did, when he was on the run from heaven with the tablet. He seemed to be lucky. But the location surprised Sam. He checked twice but it was clear: The phone was in Sioux falls. Why would Castiel head there? He knew nobody there.

Sam zoomed in the map and stopped breathing for a moment. What the hell….?

Again he typed on his board to check the last log in's and was alarmed. The phone hadn't moved for hours. Not a bit.

Cas either had dropped it for not to be found by the brothers or worse. He couldn't tell Dean about this in his mental state. He wouldn't listen anyway and he because of that he neither had told his brother about his concerns about Castiel's health condition too. He didn't want to see his brother making bad decisions with all the knowledge and later regret what he did.

But what could he do to check? He remembered Jody. She was close! It was her district. Perhaps she could help and just have a look. He would feel way better if he knew, Cas was ok.

He went to his room and carefully checked that Dean wasn't nearby. He dialed Jody's number.

"Hey, Judy. This is Sam. Yes I'm fine. No, Dean is in the library. Jody? You could do me a favor, couldn't you?" A short pause. "It is about a friend of ours. Castiel. Yes, the angel. He and Dean just…well…they had a little fight. No. Not that kind. Dean's ok. They were just arguing, but Castiel was injured before…no I'll tell you later…and I'm worried about his condition and tracked his phone out at Bobbies old house and just thought: could you have a look if he is ok? The phone didn't move for hours."

Jody told him that she would drive out to the address immediately. Sam thanked her for everything and told her to call him back about what she found out. Just the moment he ended the conversation Dean poked his head inside the room.

"Who did you talk to?"

"Advertising call. I told them we don't need anything changed with the phone."

"You' didn't talk to Cas, did you?"

Well…finally Sam could be honest about this point and looked his brother straight in the eyes:

"I didn't. But I will do later, Dean. I don't care what you say. He's my friend too."

The older hunter just growled something Sam couldn't understand but didn't fight his younger brother. Sam smiled. Now he was sure that Dean wanted to be in peace with Cas again and that he simply could not bring himself to do the first step and he didn't have to, because he now knew Sam would take care of it. They would be able to fix this.

Jody Mills couldn't say that she wasn't a bit nervous. She yet met the hell a lot of monsters to the present days, way more she ever had wanted to, but she didn't know what to expect from an actual angel. She knew he hadn't actual wings, halo and harp and also wasn't that little diaper wearing fellow kind, but what to really expect she didn't know.

Just a regular guy? In a tan trenchcoat and a suit? Sam had described Castiel and for there should be no other person on Bobbie's old ground…it should be easy enough to find him, if he still was there anyway.

She parked her police car in front of the old garage of Bobbie's that was close to falling apart within the next month. Nobody was taking care of what was left here. She felt a knot inside her stomach. He had been a good guy. And after she knew what he was doing and what had been the reason for his weird behavior and why he never had tried to be more part of the townspeople…she did understand him and admired his bravery. She knew by herself too well how hard this life was. Loosing beloved to some creature…seeing all these things. Even worse was: knowing there was so much more out there she didn't know or see.

She walked around the house and searched the yard for a sign of a living person. Perhaps he didn't want to be seen? But Sam seemed seriously worried about his friend. She would have to search more carefully.

"Castiel? This is Sherriff Jody Mills. I'm a friend of Sam Winchester. He was worried about you and wanted me to check on you. Are you here?"

She felt a bit silly doing this. But somehow her police-sense told her not to stop searching too early. Something was around here. She just could feel it.

"Castiel, seriously. Sam will freak out if I don't tell him you're fine. You know him! Just show yourself and I can tell him you're ok and after that I let you alone if you want to be. Ok?"

Nothing.

She had an idea. She climbed on top of a pile of cars that seemed stable enough to hold her and high enough to oversee the area a bit more. When she was on top she turned around and put her hand above her eyes to shield them from the sun. In the next moment she stopped turning and hissed: "Shit!"

She started to climb down the car-tower and started to head into the field around the Yard. She reached the man who was lying on the ground in seconds and kneeled down beside him. He was lying face down on the earth and didn't move. She felt his pulse and instantly switched into her professional emergency mode:

"Sir, Sir! Castiel! Are you awake? Can you hear me?"

His heart was beating, but the pulse felt way too weak. His breath was flat and his skin appeared way too cold. Was that normal for an angel? She had no clue!

She started to slowly turn the man around and he still didn't respond to her speaking or touch. His skin was pale and his eyes were closed. She held her breath for a second when she saw the amount of blood under him and soaked in his clothes. She looked the trace of blood going meters into the field. How far did he walk with that?

She also saw a light blue glimmer emerging from the wound that she considered to be his angelic life essence. Dean and Sam had called it grace. She put her jacket of and pushed it on the wound. It still was bleeding way too much. Shouldn't he be healing or something? She was sure that the brothers had told her about that angels could heal wounds like nothing on themselves.

Should she call an ambulance? Would that help? She fumbled for her phone and dialed Sam's number. The young hunter was on right away: "Jody! Good to hear from you! Did you find something?"

"Sam, I need help! He's unconscious, he has a bad wound at his abdomen and he is bleeding like hell. He already lost a lot of blood! I even can't believe he is still alive like that. What shall I do?"

"What? He wasn't in that bad shape when he left us. You see if the wound is healing?"

"I don't think so. And his pulse is weak and he's already beginning to cool down because of blood loss. I think he's in shock! Shall I call an ambulance?"

"Damn it. I don't know. I…," Sam stuttered unsure what to do.

"Sam, I have to do something! Now! If you don't know, I just do my job and do what I'd do if he wasn't any celestial being. Ok? And you and your brother swing your asses up here!"

Sam trusted Jody and her judgement of the situation.

"Stay with him! If anything goes sideways…he is spontaneously healing or flies away or begins to glow or whatsoever: you do what you can to cover. We're on your way!"

"Alright."

She dropped the phone and grabbed for her walkie-talki: "Here's Jody Mills. I found an heavy injured manly person on the old car-junkard. Appears like puncture wound, big blood loss and he's already in shock. I give you the address. Send for the ambulance and tell them to hurry!"

She gave them Bobby's address and went on with giving pressure to the wound of Castiel's stomach.

"Castiel, hold on! Help is on the way. What the hell did happen to you?"

She didn't know what she'd expect here, but sure as hell it wasn't an angel of the lord bleeding out on the ground in front of her.

When the ambulance arrived she waved them to find her position and when they started to take care of the situation she stood up and sighed. While they were looking for the wound, putting needles and medic inside his body and raising an oxygen mask over his face, Jody used the time to follow the blood trace. It went for more than 30 meters an abruptly ended in a big bloody spot on the earth. Something shiny was lying in the grass beside. When she picked it up with a tissue around it she saw it was a long with a crossed blade. It was silver and bloody all over.

She didn't see signs of a fight anywhere. It appeared as if the angel just had swooshed in here, got stabbed and then had walked towards the house.

Like she would do with any other evidence she carefully took it to her car. The paramedics already were pushing the angel inside the ambulance car.

"How is he?"

"Not good. You 're right about the shock. The blood loss is immense. He has a deep wound and we have to take him to surgery immediately."

"I'll follow you. If he wakes up, stop at once and let me inside the car."

"Is he dangerous?"

"I don't think so. But I have to interrogate him as fast as possible so that the person who did this to him can't get to far away," she lied.

The young man nodded and they all started. With the horns going loud and the lights flashing the ambulance rushed down the road in direction to the next hospital. Jody got her debuty on the radio.

"I need someone to pick up some evidence I brought from the crime scene."

"Is it a case?"

"I don't know yet. Meet me at the hospital"

Down in the Entrance hall she transfered the Dagger or the blade or whatever it was to her Deputy and instructed him to take the prints of it. She had a bad feeling about this. Why would an aggressor drop his weapon if the victim was hurt so badly and why didn't she find any evidence of a fight?

She settled down in the waiting area. She had to wait until the surgery was done. By this time the Winchesters should be here already. It was less than six hours from Lebanon to Sioux falls.

The engine of the impala roared with an immense sound when Dean forced it over every sane speed limit. He was angry. He was mad. So mad about Castiel. How could that bastard dare to diverte them from the trials? How could he?

He was also mad at Sam who hadn't told him that he had traced the phone and talked to Jody.

"Dude, will you stop being so grumpy? I told you I didn't want to bother you before I had more information."

"Yeah. Thanks. It's not your fault that this dick didn't tell us about his condition and then vanished for nothing and then didn't call for help."

"He didn't vanish for nothing. Even I'd think you wanted him to leave for good. Why would he want to stay after what you said to him and after you heard what he thinks of us?"

"That ain't my fault"

"It isn't?"

"Don't…don't let's fight about this, ok? Not now! We lose all this time for checking on Cas now. Time we don't have and need for other things."

"Stop saying that as if worrying for Cas was just some itchy burden! He's family! I know you're feeling bad about how the two of you broke. It is hard for all of us to find the right things to do. Don't judge so hard. Not on you. And not on him. And give yourself the chance to be worried. He's our friend! He broke you out of hell…went with you through purgatory. He was killed more than once for us."

Dean didn't say a word and just grinded with his pine. He was crazy worried about his brother. And he was fucking worried about this feathered dick too. But he wouldn't tell Sam that.

oOoOOoO

They arrived at the hospital in way under six hours and reached the waiting zone where Jody still was sitting.

"You should have looked out for him, boys." Jody said sadly. Then she raised and gave every brother a tight hug.

"He still is in surgery."

"What? It's been hours now!"

"The wound was deep and wide and actually…it seemed like several different wounds. Some inner organs were damaged. Look here." She handed Dean the Trenchcoat. It was more than half soaked in blood. Dean's stomach began to turn around. It was not that he'd never seen so much blood, but how could that've happened? Even when they found him in the first place, lying on that road, he didn't lose so much and the wound didn't seem so big to cause such a loss.

The brothers looked at each other confused.

"And there is more. I followed back a blood trace to a spot which appeared to be the point he landed on and found a silver dagger."

"Like this one?" Sam asked and pulled out the angel-blade he was carrying. Judy raised her brows.

"Exactly like that. It was dropped on the floor with blood on it. And something else: I got my deputy to look for fingerprints and there were prints on it…but only of one person. And I didn't find any sign of a fight out there. Not on Castiel, not in the field. Beside his wound… there is nothing pointing to a second person…but the blade definitely caused a big part of the wound…or at least it's expanse."

Nobody said anything. Dean's head was whirling around. His mind tried to pick the pieces together but somehow refused to make the final step. Why should anybody find Castiel near Bobbie's, stab him and then leave the weapon? And why shouldn't Cas fight back? Had he been too weak to do so? Sam and Jody watched him getting through this. The two gave each other a glance because they already knew.

"Dean. I know you are looking for a possibility how a fight could have caused this. And I've no idea what the relationship between you and Castiel is about…but you have to come to terms with that there wasn't another person on that field. There only was one person and this person didn't want be rescued."

"No."

Why would Cas do this? This was ridiculous.

A door opened and a doctor, looking bloody and hell tired walked towards the group.

"Sheriff. You're here for the stab-victim?"

Dean couldn't be quite any more: "His name is Castiel…Winchester. He is our brother. Sheriff Mills found out about us in his purse and immediately called us. How is he?"

"For the moment: stable. We were able to take care of most of the damage, but the blood loss was immense. I don't lie to you…this was close. An hour later and it would have been too late. He still is not completely out of the woods. Good that you went out there, Sheriff."

"Had a tip for some kids on the old Singer ground. Wanted to chase them away from the old shabby building before they get hurt."

"Can we go, visit him?" Sam asked.

"I think you should wait for him to be awake. There's nothing you can do about him right now."

"The hell there is. I want to see him!" Dean brought out under his breath. A slight nod from Jody and the Doctor gave free the way.

"Room 122. But I have to ask this question for the further procedure: Are there any problems with depression in your family. With your brother? Attempts of self-harm?"

Sam gulped. "Why would you ask that?"

"Because of his injuries. There was a Dagger involved I heard and it could clearly be seen. This wasn't exactly a stab wound your brother received. It was more like the dagger was budged around in the flesh to generate the maximum damage to the skin and inner organs. And the angle of the weapon by doing so was not like it was held by a second person."

The doctor showed them with a pencil what he just explained and Deans heart dropped.

"I don't have to tell you about how painful that must have been and still he was able to do it to himself. I will advise a psychological treatment and he will be transferred into a mental hospital for his own sake after he recovered from his wounds properly. His actions show a severe mental condition that must be taken care of, or the next time he might not survive this."

Dean's knees were about to give away. His hands began to shake by the thought of losing Castiel again.

How could he not have seen in what mental condition Castiel had been when he spoke to him? He remembered when once before Castiel had sat in front of him, on the other bed back in that hotel, after he came back from purgatory and when Dean wanted him to go to heaven to sneak around and Castiel completely had freaked out. How the angel had sat there…right in front of him and had told him that he might kill himself if he would have to see what he did to heaven.

He never had mentioned this again, and Dean had never asked again.

He should have.

Since when was Cas in that bad shape? Since when did he fight with such feelings? Why did he never talk about it to them? Why didn't he ask for help, that dumbass?

Or did he and they just weren't able to see?

Feedback is ver appreciated! I will write another chapter. Please leave some comments about style and language, for english is not my first one.

Thanks!