Phil's laughter filled the air as he and his fiancée drank their coffee. They were planning on getting married the following summer, having finally, after all of these years, Phil had found love again, found someone he could trust with his entire being, someone he loved as much as he had loved Dan.

Because he did, he loved her, and he was happy.

Dan had been on his mind a lot lately, having barely thought of him in years, suddenly, he had quite literally run into him, sending all of his shopping flying, to which after a few awkward moments and words, Dan had laughed because that was so 'typical Phil'.

'Lyla?' Phil said after a moment of silence.

'Hm?' She asked, a small smile gracing her lips.

'I ran into an old friend the other day, he invited us both over for coffee, is that okay?'

'Yeah, okay, who is he?'

'Well when I say old friend, I mean, well, Dan.'

'Right.' She said. 'That's okay, I'd like to meet him.'

Phil gave a nervous laugh and sighed, not sure whether he had wanted her to accept or decline.

'Great, well I'll just text him then, and we can be on our way home, you finished?'

Lyla nodded.

Phil pulled out his phone and tapped at the screen, sending a quick message to Dan and pressed send.

'Come on then, tomorrow afternoon alright?' He asked, taking her hand.

Lyla nodded and Phil pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. 'Thank you, for this.'

Getting back to Phil's apartment, they curled up together on the sofa. 'Hey, Lyla?' He asked, brushing the light brown hair out of her face.

'Yeah?'

'I love you.' He said, pressing their lips together.

'I love you too, Phil.'

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day, Phil had been extremely agitated, nervous to see Dan again, he supposed.

Why had he agreed to this in the first place?

But here they were, standing hand in hand outside of Dan's apartment.

'We don't have to do this.' Lyla said, squeezing his hand softly, knowing how Dan had hurt Phil over and over, how Dan had broken Phil's heart almost beyond repair countless times.

Phil lifted his hand, and knocked on the door. Moments later, it swung open and Dan stood smiling in the doorway, not looking at all nervous to see them.

He was. Phil knew better.

'Hey Dan.' Phil said. 'This is my fiancée, Lyla.'

'It's lovely to meet you, Lyla.' Dan said with a smile, extending his hand to shake hers. 'Come on in.'

Phil and Lyla stepped into Dan's apartment and followed Dan into the living room.

It was all very monochrome and Phil couldn't help the thought that slipped into his head that thought that Dan needed Phil for a little splash of colour.

Phil sat on their old sofa and patted the seat next to him for Lyla, whilst Dan sat down in an arm chair that he had never seen before.

'I see your sofa crease is still going strong.' Phil said lightly, gesturing to behind him.

Lyla said nothing, realising that this had been Dan and Phil's old sofa.

Dan laughed. 'I'm surprised I'm not horribly crippled by now in all honesty.'

Looking around the room, Phil could see a couple of his belongings in unnoticeable places, and a little cactus on the window sill.

They awkwardly talked for a while, Phil nearly slipping into the state of 'comfortableness' a few too many times.

Around fourty minutes later, having drunk coffee and talked some more, Lyla had to leave for a business meeting and gave Phil a quick peck on the lips before excusing herself.

'Lyla seems lovely.' Dan said quietly.

'She is.'

'When are you two getting married then?'

'Some time next year, we're thinking summer time.'

Dan nodded, knowing that they had always talked about an autumn wedding.

'I'm glad you're happy.'

'Me too. So what about you then? Boyfriend, girlfriend?'

'Nah... I've had a few but none of them-' Dan stopped before words slipped out of his mouth that he didn't intend for Phil to hear.

'Do you think we can be friends?' Dan asked suddenly.

'That's what this is, isn't it?'

'You know what I mean, Phil. After everything, do you think we could actually be friends?'

'Yes.' Phil said before he quite knew what he was saying. In fact the answer was no.

No, quite adamantly no. He could not be friends with Dan because he loved Lyla. He did. He loved her so much he was marrying her. He couldn't have Dan back in his life, not after everything Dan put him through.

'I'm glad.'

And then Dan was smiling and laughing and he moved to the other seat on the sofa for some reason or another, but his hair was messy and his dimple was there as he grinned and it cut Phil like a knife because he had forgotten.

Not forgotten, he could never forget Dan.

But he had forgotten the little things, the way Dan's hair still curled after a while no matter how he straightened it, forgotten that beautiful laugh that didn't show in his video's anymore, forgotten how Dan smelled, how he was always a little colder than Phil, forgotten the placement of freckles on his skin and how his dimple was 'sad'.

And he had forgotten that he missed Dan, forgotten how to miss Dan.

But now Dan was her and he was smiling and laughing and he looked gorgeous, he looked the same as he had those years before.

And Phil could remember everything that he had blocked out, he could remember back in 2009 when Dan had been so nervous and adorable and how they had fallen in love so incredibly quickly, how then had kissed the same day they had 'met'. He could remember when they had laid down in the snow and looked at the stars together and could remember little kisses on cold noses. He could remember putting together all of the furniture in their apartment and late night cuddles.

Phil had forgotten how to miss Dan.

Phil had put everything to the back of his mind and told himself that he had fallen out of love with Dan.

But Dan was his first love and you never really move on from that, you just learn to live with their absence and you love again.

And love Lyla Phil did.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Weeks flew by, and Dan and Phil had seen a lot of each other, they had rebuilt their friendship and Phil was all too comfortable in his company.

Dan was over at Phil's this time and Lyla was staying with her parents for a while so she hadn't been around recently.

Phil was surprised that he didn't miss her as much when Dan was around, how he only missed her when he was alone.

That wasn't right.

Dan and Phil had played Mario Kart together, found Dil on their old computer that Phil hadn't had the heart to get rid of and even decided to film a video together.

Their gaming channel had died with their relationship and the last video was years ago, they had lost a fair few subscribers, but they still had a fan base.

Not having appeared in each others lives on the internet for an extremely long time, they were both excited and apprehensive about everyone's reactions.

After filming an hour long Dil video and some more Mario Kart, they decided to bake some cupcakes and film that too for Dan's channel as well as resurrecting the Seven Second Challenge for Phil's.

All video's posted, they sat on Phil's sofa, exhausted and eating Pizza, an anime on the tv and Phil couldn't help feeling nostalgic about it all.

Having also gotten the vodka Phil kept in the cupboard out, Phil let Dan sleep in the spare room, apologising with a laugh for the colourful interior.

Phil didn't sleep well that night, his sleep was disturbed and distorted versions of both Dan and Lyla filled his dreams, along with a strange being trying to force feed him cheese.

Opening tumblr, the following morning, his dash had completely blown up and he had been too afraid to turn his phone on to check twitter.

Against his better judgement, Phil went through the 'Phan' tag and it was exhausting just looking. It seemed that the Phangirls were still all there, ready to read into everything far too much. He had seen the return of 'heart-eyes-Howell' and 'love-eyes-Lester' and a few worried text posts about Lyla after seeing the 'chemistry' that was 'still between the two'.

Phil closed tumblr.

After seeing if Dan was awake, he went to make them both some cereal after putting on an anime, and they both slipped in easily to how things used to be, too easily and it scared Phil.

Picking up the landline, he phoned Lyla and had a quick ten minute conversation with her, not knowing that Dan had been listening in the next room.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'You're happy.' Dan said.

'Yes.' Phil said, pouring more alcohol into both of their glasses.

'Good, good.'

'You're happy?'

Dan laughed. 'God, no.'

'Why not?'

'Ah, I dunno... I fucked up my life I guess.' He took a swig.

'How?'

'You know... I let the most perfect boy get away, I destroyed him, the one person who could ever love me.'

Phil stayed silent.

'But he's happy so I'm happy.'

'You love him?'

'Phil... You do know it's you I'm talking about, right?'

Phil gave a small nod.

'Yes.' Dan said softly.

'Dan it's been years, why would you still love me?'

'Why wouldn't I?'

'Dan...'

'It's okay, you marry Lyla and you have a good and happy life together.'

'I love Lyla.'

'I know.'

'I don't love her the way I loved you.' He swallowed thickly, not knowing where to look.

'What do you mean?'

Tears formed at the corners of Phil's eyes because he loved Lyla, damn it, he did.

'I love her.' He chocked out, the tears falling. Why did he have to run into Dan that day? 'But I love you.'

'Don't say that.'

'I do. I thought I'd moved on but I haven't.'

'Phil... You're happy.'

'I know. We were happy.'

'I destroyed you.'

'I don't care.'

'You're happy.'

'Lyla makes me happy, yes. You make me happy too.' Phil didn't know who he was convincing, or what he was doing because he loved Lyla and he was going to marry her because they were happy and she loved him too.

'I make you sad, Phil. I make you cry and I hurt you.'

'I don't care.'

Dan's lips were on Phil's and they were kissing, needy and hungry and it felt right.

Dan was sitting on Phil's lap, straddling him and kissing down his neck and Phil was moaning.

It all escalated far too quickly and before they knew it they were both in Phil's bed.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'Dan...' Phil said groggily, opening his eyes.

'Phil...?' Dan said cautiously, not quite sure how drunk they had both been.

'I love Lyla.'

'I love you.' Dan smiled sadly and pressed a kiss to the side of Phil's head, lingering perhaps longer than he should have.

'We were happy.'

'Yes. We were. Until we weren't. You deserve Lyla, Lyla who loves you and will stay with you and won't hurt you.'

'I don't deserve Lyla. I just cheated on her, Dan.'

'But Lyla won't hurt you, she'll stay with you.'

'Dan there may just be something you have never understood. People break up and people get back together and they do that over and over and in the end it's if you care enough to keep trying, no one is perfect, no one is guaranteed to stay with you.'

Dan sighed. 'You don't know what you want.'

'No. I don't.'

'Talk to me.'

'I love Lyla, I do. Christ, I was going to marry her, but I don't love her how I loved you, how I love you. I love you deeper and God, Dan, how do I still love you the same? How do we still love each other the same? But I know I love you.'

'I know you do, but I don't deserve you.'

'And I don't deserve Lyla so we're back where we started.'

'Phil...'

'Just lie with me here. Just hold me.'

'Okay.'

And they did. They laid in Phil's bed, arms around each other and for a moment they could fool themselves into thinking it was still two-thousand-and-nine, the first time they'd met and there was no hurt and no pain, only love.

Their lips met in a bitter-sweet kiss because they both knew who Phil was going to choose.

They both knew it wouldn't be Dan, it couldn't be Dan. Because Dan didn't love Phil the way Phil loved him.

Dan loved Phil more than he had ever loved anyone but not like Phil did, Phil's love was pure and Phil's love was unconditional.

But for that moment, they could fool themselves into thinking that everything was going to be alright, that perhaps it was twenty-fifteen again and still in the euphoria from their book and tour, they were happy.

They could lie there and fool themselves into thinking that they were each other's other halves, that they were soul mates and perhaps they were.

And in that moment Phil could remember all the screaming and the yelling, he could remember the time when Dan had hit Phil, and the next time Dan had raised his hands, Phil had shrunk away from him. He could remember the tears streaming down his own face and his blurred vision as Dan slammed the front door and didn't come back for days. He remembered the next time Dan had hit him, and the last. He remembered their arguments, how Dan always had to be right no matter what Phil was saying, it didn't matter.

He remembered the time Phil had come home to a passed out drunk out of his mind Dan and a boy in his bed. He could remember the break up's, every single one.

And he remembered the kisses and the cuddles and the feather light touches, he remembered nights of passion and proclamations of love. He could remember the dates, every single one. He remembered when they had talked about marriage and children and getting a dog, he remembered when everything seemed perfect.

And in that moment Phil knew. Phil knew that they were far too broken to be together because in some cases people let the bad distract them from the good.

But they had let the good distract them from the bad.

Phil remembered 2009 and he remembered how they had been. He remembered 2012, he remembered 2015 and he remembered 2018. How he had finally walked out and how he hadn't left his house for weeks because Dan was the love of his life.

And so there they were, wrapped up in each other's arms, never wanting to let go, pressing light kisses to the other's bare skin, pretending.

Because this was the last time, and they knew it. It had to be.

Phil's blue eyes danced over Dan's body, taking in every detail, every dip, crevice and blemish. Taking in every little freckle on his skin, how he felt in his arms and how his lips curved. How his scent was intoxicating, and how his brown eyes shined, his hair curling a little at the edges and the steady inhale and exhale of his breathing.

A tear slipped down Phil's cheek as he kissed Dan's.

He loved Dan, oh, did he love Dan.

But this was the last time he could ever see him, feel him, hold him or be with him.

And that was okay.

Don't kill me please.

Comments are greatly appreciated.