"Yes, oh. You really think I'm going to fall in love with someone else?" Julian demanded. "You think I get to do that? I'm not you, I don't get to fall in love every week with someone different. I wish it wasn't you, Emma, but it is, it'll always be you, so don't tell me my life isn't wrecked when you don't know the first thing about it!"

Her heart cracked. She twisted away, away from the look in his eyes, away from his voice, away from the shattering of all her carefully made plans. She clawed the door open—she heard Julian call her name, but she had already plunged out of the cottage and into the storm.

Lord of Shadows, Cassandra Clare

XxXxXx

" And nakedness befell my way

Only seen in light of day"

XoXoXo

Something was broken inside her. Normally she would stand and fight. Normally she wouldn't let anything hurt her or her family. She wasn't sure what had changed in the last hour. Maybe it was her fight with Julian. Maybe it was that she hated herself more than she realised. Maybe it was that, for the first time in her life, she wanted to be anyone but Emma Cordelia Carstairs.

She felt her heart crack and shatter. She wasn't sure if she deserves to have it whole again. She felt whatever fire burned in her, whatever made her want to continue living, die out. She realised that, even if she wanted to fight, she couldn't. It felt like her whole body was frozen. There was no anger burning through her. There was no hate for the world. There wasn't… There was only hate for herself. How could she hate anyone more than herself.

She found it hard to focus. Shouldn't she be crying or something? This numbing nothingness should frighten her. The wetness of the ground pulled her back from her thoughts, but just barely. She swallowed and didn't tried to move from where she'd knelt on the cliff's edge.

She stared blankly over the edge. It wasn't that far. If she jumped, she'd survive. But she didn't want to survive. She wanted to be done. Her family… it wasn't really her family, was it? The kids, Julian's - his name sent a jolt of pain through her - siblings… they probably just put up with her out of pity.

Doubt weaved truth and lies together until it was difficult for her to tell what was real and what wasn't. If she fell off… just right… maybe she could hit her head on the way down and drown.

The sound of her name, muffled and distant as it was, drew her back to her body and her stomach clenched as her pressed her hands to her ears, as if that would block out whoever was calling to her.

She didn't know how long she stayed like that, but eventually her arms and wrists hurt from her position. They dropped onto the ground and she, finally, decided to open her eyes.

She recoiled when she saw Jules, his expression concerned. Despite herself, his presence made her dark thoughts retreat and she could finally breath again. The relief she felt in that moment. At least, it was relief until he started talking.

"Who could love you?" His words pierced her heart. He wasn't here to help her fight whatever it was she was feeling, he was here to make sure she self destructed. His expression and his words didn't match, but that went unnoticed by Emma.

Whatever feeling that had started to return to her was sapped from her in his words.

"I regret ever becoming your Parabatai, your friend."

She forced herself not to respond, in body language. Words had escaped her after she'd ran from the cottage. Concern flashed in his eyes from whatever he saw.

"Emma? What are you hearing?" His voice was gentle, like he didn't want her to do anything rash. His words confused her. What did he mean, what was she hearing? He was the one talking. He should know what he was saying.

Something wasn't making sense, but through her jumbled thoughts she couldn't figure out what it was. It was a maze with no exit or entrance or light. She was stumbling through the dark and whenever she felt like she might be getting close, something pulled her back in.

She started to open her mouth and was instantly cut off. "Nobody truly cares about what your hearing. Whether or not it's different than what's being said."

Why was he being so cruel? Couldn't he see she was minutes, maybe seconds, from killing herself? Maybe… maybe he wasn't the friend she'd thought he was. Had he ever truly been my friend?

Something flashed across his face but she couldn't see what it was. There was an emotion in his eyes but… he was a professional liar. What was true and what wasn't? She could never tell, not with him, not anymore.

"Nobody cares about you. I don't. My family doesn't. Clary, Jace, Magnus, Cristina… we all wouldn't care if you died."

She felt like she was starting to hyperventilate. Her eyes stung.

"Everybody leaves you. Willingly. Including your parents."

The world blurred around her. Her hands clenched her head, her fingers digging in. She hoped they drew blood; maybe then she could make sense of all the utterly cruel words coming from him.

Because he was wrong. Her parents didn't willingly leave her.

He was wrong. They'd had to work the day they'd died.

He was wrong.

Her heart clenched.

He was right. They'd left her at the institute for Sebastian. They hadn't wanted her. They'd never truly died; they just let the world believe it. They let her believe it.

Her hands fell limply to her sides. She couldn't… she couldn't… She didn't want to…

Her body felt detached from everything else and it stood and backed towards the edge. She thought she saw panic and terror in his eyes but… those didn't make any sense to her. He was the one wanting her to kill herself. He was the one pushing her towards the edge.

"Emma? D-"

"Do it. Kill yourself. You are unwanted and unloved; nobody would miss you."

She didn't notice the shift in his tone. He was right. Like always, he was right.

She pulled her arms closer to her body, hugging herself. She didn't look at him as she backed off. For a second, it felt like she was hovering before she started falling. She saw him lunge towards her and reach out for her arm or something on her person to grab onto.

She closed her eyes, not wanting to see him. Even if he did manage to, somehow, save her, he'd probably kill her himself. That's what he wanted, right? He wanted her dead. She wasn't sure if he cared who did it - him or her. She realised she really didn't care.

He grabbed her wrist, suspending her fall. She slammed painful into the side, a cry of shock and maybe a little pain escaping her. She wanted to fight against him. She wanted his grip to loosen so she would continue her fall. But she couldn't. She didn't have the strength, the will, to fight in her own suicide.

Which did she have strength for more? To live, or to die? She really didn't know. And while she was hesitating, fighting a war within herself, he pulled her up.

She waited for him to start yelling, about how utterly reckless she was or about how she should've tried harder to kill herself.

But he didn't. He just wrapped his arms around her and held onto tightly. He was making a silent statement. He wouldn't be letting go of her for a while.

She might not be sure of a lot, but if there was one thing she did know was that she felt safer, saner, in Jule's arms.

Everything was going to get better… she hoped.

AN:

Yo so I've been working on this off and on since Lord of Shadows came out. I've just not had time to finish this chapter.

I'll be sure to try and write more, because I don't think it's done quite yet. Plus, we all have like another year before before Queen of Air and Darkness. :)

#justareminder

Also. I don't own TMI/TDA/TID or anything else related to the Shadow world.