A/N: Remember when I said I was impressed with Spoby's storyline in 5B? Yeah. Not so much anymore. I'll be honest with you. 5x20 broke my heart. Every move Spencer made killed me, but what really scares me is that we might never get to see her talk through it with Toby. I think we all know by now that Spoby is set to have an epically romantic scene in 5x24. I'm sure it will be spectacular, what with two gifted actors who have exceptional on-screen chemistry and all, but I'm also realistic enough to realize it probably won't satisfy me emotionally.

This story takes places after their reconciliation in 5x24. I'm assuming they'll be on good terms again, but that they haven't discussed what we all know they should discuss. I'm really, really hoping the writers will prove me wrong and this story will become obsolete after the episode airs, but we still have over three weeks to go and I honestly can't wait that long. Haha.

I'm not completely happy with the way this turned out, but then again I'm not happy with the circumstances either. Part of me feels like I don't know how to write Spencer anymore. She acted so out of character all episode that I'm kind of at a loss. With Toby it's a completely different story: he's done some questionable/frustrating/heartbreaking things too but for some reason I always got where he was coming from, which made it easier for me to crawl into his skin. I don't feel the same way with Spencer in this case. I did my best to find a reasonable explanation behind her bewildering behavior, taking into account what we know about her and what she's said over the past few episodes, but the truth is I just don't know. Maybe I got it completely wrong. Time will tell, I guess. Or not. With PLL you never know.

Thank you all for reading/reviewing my last two stories. I forgot to say that last time (I'm a jerk). Your support means so much to me, and during these hard times we should all stick together!

To the anon with yet more questions about A Beautiful Mind: once again, see author's note down below.

PS. I stole a line from Keegan Allen and threw it in here. I do that sometimes. Point it out to me if you like. :)

Unbreakable

The inside of the loft still looked the same. She didn't know why she thought it might have changed, or what exactly she expected to be different. The chairs in the kitchen were still as she knew them, the towels in the bathroom, the quilt on the couch. Even the picture of her he kept on his nightstand hadn't moved – she'd checked. It was as if no time had passed since the last time she'd been here.

But Spencer knew it had. Appearances could be faulty, and this was one of those times. Both she and Toby had changed, writhed painfully in their struggle to stay connected while they were flung on opposite ends of a ravine, their hands stretched out towards each other but their fingers continuously missing the other's desperate grasp. The nature of their relationship had been put to the test, not in the worst possible manner (because they'd been through that already) but in ways that had left them uneasy, miserable and exhausted just the same.

Then, when they were just inches shy of rock bottom, they took a turn for the better. It always happened this way, Spencer knew now. She wished she could have realized it sooner because it would have saved her hell of a lot of heartache.

It was perhaps the one good thing that had come out of Toby's alliance with the A team all those months ago. It had left them unbreakable. Bulletproof. They might get a scratch or an indent here and there – some worse than others – but ultimately the iron bond between them would not sever. Could not sever. Even if she wanted it to, she wouldn't know how to cut the ties. She wouldn't know how to stop loving him.

Now, they lay in a worn out heap on his couch in silence. Her head rested on his shoulder, her arm across him as he played with the ends of her dark waves. Very faintly, she could hear the commotion from downstairs in the Brew as well as a few cars that passed by… but other than that, the quiet was their unspoken ally.

Toby was the one who finally broke it. He sighed, pressed a kiss against her hair and murmured, "I'm so glad you're back. The way we left things… I was sick about it, Spence. I think I had a stomach ache the entire time you were gone."

Her fingers clasped around the shirt covering his chest, her knuckles turning white. To her dismay, Toby gave a low, humorless chuckle.

"We need to stop leaving things unresolved when one of us leaves the country," was his attempt at poking fun at their horrendous communication issues.

Spencer suddenly felt nauseous. She sat up, needing the distance from him to calm her insides. Toby, being Toby, noticed immediately and followed suit, his eyes concerned as he placed a solid hand on her back.

"You okay?"

Her eyes closed at the intimacy of his question, because he was perhaps the only person who could utter those two words and get an honest answer out of her.

"I need to tell you something," she blurted out, and it was as if her mouth was working faster than her brain. "You're not going to like it. You might hate me."

He scoffed, but before he could get anything in she stopped him. "No, Toby. This isn't like any of the other things I knew were bad but did anyway. This is…"

Her throat closed, rendering her physically unable to finished her sentence. She swallowed a few times, seeing Toby's eyes widen with concern.

"What?" he asked softly. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," was her whispered answer, and she felt her last meal start to ascend in her esophagus. "He kissed me. Jonny kissed me before I went to London. He took me by surprise, and it was over before I knew it… but I did nothing."

They would have been able to hear a pin drop, and she couldn't look at him. She could only imagine what was going on in his head. Some disturbed, masochistic part of her wished he would scream in her face, squeeze her arms until they hurt and throw her to the floor.

But he was Toby. He was calm and introspective, and he blamed himself before he blamed her.

"Do you have feelings for him?" he asked, his voice sounding small. "Is that why he managed to convince you into doing all that sketchy stuff with him?"

"No."

She looked at him as she spoke the word almost harshly. In retrospect, she hadn't been herself that entire day, but the idea that reason behind this was that she was crushing on Jonny just seemed laughable to her.

Toby's eyes bore into her soul, harder than they typically were. She figured she owed it to him to at least consider his question seriously, so she did.

Her answer was the same, and she shook her head defiantly. "No. That's not what it was about. I just… I wanted him to be my friend." She winced at how pathetic this sounded but continued anyway. "I really wanted a friend that wasn't you, or the girls. Someone who didn't know about -A, someone who could take my mind off everything for a while…"

She shook her head in self-loathing, tears spilling down her cheeks, and despite everything Toby felt his heart contract with sympathy. Once upon time, he knew, that person had been him. She had fought for so long to keep him out of the nightmare she lived in, mostly to keep him safe, but also, a little bit, so he could be her escape from it all.

He hadn't been able to be that for her in a long time. Even before he went to the police academy, nearly all their conversations had been about -A, or Alison, or his mother. They were either working together to protect each other or fighting about it, sleuthing or discussing tactics. It had tainted everything they did, from the way they hugged each other tightly to the desperation that clouded their lovemaking – that ever-present but never spoken question that always hung between them: would this be their last time before one of them got seriously hurt? Or arrested? Or turned up dead?

Was it really so unreasonable that she wanted a break from all that?

"Did you kiss him back?" he heard himself saying, though his own voice sounded far away, as if he had balls of cotton stuffed in his ears.

"I don't know!" Fresh tears surfaced along with her outburst. "I don't think so but it happened so quickly, I... All I know is I didn't push him away. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend. I just stood there and let him–"

"He knew you had a boyfriend," he interrupted through gritted teeth. "You shouldn't have had to tell him that."

She nodded, wiping her eyes. "I thought he would respect it. He acted like he would, so I thought it'd be okay. I trusted him."

"Wait," he stopped her, his voice going very quiet once again. "You knew he was falling for you?"

It was a fact that had been blatantly obvious to Toby as well as to the rest of Rosewood, he was sure. But he had honestly believed that Spencer was too wrapped up in her own problems to notice, which made the whole thing so much more forgivable. Now, for the first time, a slither of anger poked through his numbness.

She looked ashamed. "He kind of hinted at it a few times. I know I should have made things clear then, but… I didn't want to lose my friend."

And just like that, the anger he'd felt oozed into sympathy once again. It had to be painful and utterly lonely that she literally could not make a single male friend without them falling in love with her. Even he himself was guilty of this and he knew it. He, too, had attempted to befriend her and found himself drawn to her perfect smile, her sharp tongue and her intense brown eyes.

But for some reason he would never fully understand he was the one she loved back, and to him that made all the difference. He remembered how they had once discussed with some amusement what would have happened if she'd still been dating that guy from the country club when she showed up at his doorstep last year. Spencer had insisted she would have fallen in love with him anyway. She said their connection was so strong that she wouldn't have been able to stop it, and that whatever she had seen in Alex would have paled in comparison to the magnitude of the feelings he, Toby, brought out in her. But he liked to think he wouldn't have put any pressure on her. He would have wanted her to figure it out on her own, and only when she put an end to her previous relationship would he even begin to hope he stood a chance.

He couldn't help but feel that all these guys – Wren, Andrew, Jonny and probably more that he didn't even know about – didn't show her the same respect. They made things uncomfortable for her, forced her to put op barriers and create a distance she didn't want in the first place.

"I knew you felt closer to him than to me," Toby confessed faintly, feeling repeated stabs at his heart even as he spoke the words. "I can't say it didn't scare me, but on the other hand… I'd rather you were and safe and with him than at risk with me. Because that's what you were, Spencer. Maybe you still are. I know you don't believe me, but Tanner–"

"I do believe you," she assured him. "I was too mad to see it at the time but I realize now that everything you did was to protect me. And I'm sorry, Toby. I honestly don't know what got into me."

It was time and space away from him on a different continent that had allowed her to see what had been right in front of her the entire time. In contrary to what she'd let hurt and anger blind her to in the heat of the moment, she'd come to realize that he had in fact put her above his job and his duty to the police force that night at the gas station. It had made her regret her behavior with a vengeance, and had caused a determination to destroy the walls between them, fight for him and what they had and the future she'd always envisioned for them.

Toby spoke up, seeming close to tears for the first time. "I wish I could tell you that the kiss doesn't matter, that we were in a bad place and we can move forward now. You have no idea how much I want to be able to do that but first I need to know why."

Spencer looked away. She could argue that he'd been distant with her for weeks, and that it felt like she was in a relationship with her phone instead of with him, and that the reason why she'd agreed to the illegalities in the first place was probably to get his attention… but that was all beside the point.

The point was that she'd allowed another man near her, for whatever reasons. It disturbed her that she'd let it happen, but it baffled her even more. Since Toby, her body had rejected any other guy that had flirted with her personal space in an intimate kind of way.

"Why?" He repeated, his eyes looking heartbroken. He didn't even sound resentful. He sounded like he just wanted the truth. "Why did you let it go that far? Did you think we were over? Did you think I didn't love you anymore?"

"Of course not." She almost wished she could use that excuse, but admitting to it would be a boisterous lie. She'd felt alone and frustrated and misunderstood, for sure, but it never once occurred to her to question the depth of his devotion to her.

"Was it because you were mad at me? Did you want to get back at me for not being around?"

His voice was small and quiet again, like a child's. It sparked an animalistic protectiveness in her that she only ever experienced in regards to him.

"I never wanted to hurt you." She wasn't sure of much, but this was something that she could always say truthfully. "No matter what, I would never purposely do that."

Toby looked as if all the energy had been sucked out of him. "Then why?"

"I don't know!" she raised her voice, more tears falling down her face. Forcing herself to calm down, she added, "If I knew I'd tell you, but… I just don't know."

A moment ago the front door had been looking dangerously appetizing, but now Toby crumbled under her anguish. His own anger and confusion took second place, and he found himself sliding his arms around her before he was conscious of his brain making the decision.

To his surprise, a small hand pushed against his chest, hard.

"No," she said, her voice unrelenting while contrasting tears continued to pour down her already sodden cheeks. "You don't get to be so understanding about this. You would never do to me what I did to you and now you don't get to act like bigger person."

"Spencer–"

"You can't even look at me!" she accused shrilly.

He realized it was true. His eyes were downcast – because he couldn't bear to see her hurting, or because he was downright furious with her, or both. An eerie silence settled over them when he didn't deny it, and she was on her feet without another word.

She grabbed her purse and headed for the door, still in tears. He scrambled to follow, realizing with ironic alarm that their roles were reversed now. She was the one fleeing, and he was the one begging her to stay.

"Spencer!" He grabbed her arm, trying to turn her towards him as gently as he could while she struggled so ferociously against him. "Just let me," he implored weakly, his voice cracking. "Just let me."

He engulfed her, and she didn't fight it this time. She fell against his chest and she wondered, was it really only a few weeks ago that she'd cried like this in his arms when he told her it was all over? Everything seemed different now, but he was still her Toby. He still had that body and that smell and that voice that she would recognize anywhere, and just like that it hit her why Jonny's kiss hadn't sparked a physical distaste in her the way she always thought it would.

She knew all about kisses. Over the years, she'd learned where to place her hands and how to tilt her face. Boys had been kissing her since she was thirteen.

But none of them had held her the way Toby did. None of them had stroked her back and rubbed her shoulders, and none of them had weaved their fingers through her hair in fascination.

In a way, Jonny catching her when she fell off that ladder had screamed of more malaise than him pushing his lips against hers. The kiss had been some form of cathartic goodbye on Jonny's part, no doubt, but to her it had felt almost calculated. It had been nothing like when Toby kissed her, and hadn't really stirred anything inside her but guilt and regret. But his body so close to hers after he caught her that night at Hollis, his arms around her… that had felt like an intrusion. It was the wrong body, the wrong arms, and she had gotten out of that situation as quickly as she possibly could.

She realized her crying had quieted down when Toby drew back and started brushing the liquid salt from her cheeks. He didn't seem angry but his eyes had a gutted urgency in them that frightened her.

"You have to figure it out," she told her quietly. "I know you didn't ask for this. I know you didn't want it to happen, but it did and if we're going to put this behind us you have to figure out why you let it come to that."

Her anxiety skyrocketed when she realized his point was valid. Just because the sensation of Jonny's mouth on hers hadn't repelled her into jerking away didn't explain why she'd allowed it to happen in the first place.

"I missed you," she countered desperately, wanting nothing more than to appease him. "I didn't want him. I wanted you."

This was the biggest truth of all, and he must have known that. Still, he shook his head. "That's not good enough."

She had said those words to him once under different circumstances. They were familiar, and she accepted them. He was right. The only way to ensure this would never happen again was to backtrack, to dig to the root of the problem and pull it out into the open so they could both learn from it before they buried it for good.

"I'm still yours, Spencer," he told her softly, easing some of the tightness in her chest. "However long this takes, I'll always be yours."

She nestled herself back in his arms, clinging to him as if he was her lifeboat. "And I'm still yours."

She wondered if he believed her.

The answer came to her just a few weeks later, in the middle of the grocery store of all places. She was comparing two apples when a light went off in her head.

She had no idea where it came from. She hadn't heard from Jonny in weeks. He'd texted and called on a few occasions after he left, all of which she ignored. The only times she'd thought of him was in regards to her relationship with Toby.

She smiled when she thought of how they were slowly but surely getting back on track. She knew he was still waiting for her to come to him about what had happened, but Toby wasn't someone who pushed. He didn't make her feel guilty, and he didn't force his own needs on her.

He was the single most wonderful person in the world, and maybe it was this realization that gave her clarity.

She texted him to come over after work, that she would make them dinner. Then she waited patiently. She was beginning to learn that it wasn't always possible for him to get back to her right away. That didn't mean he was ignoring her.

He showed up at her back door a little after eight, full of apologies that he couldn't get away sooner. He hugged her. He kissed her. He'd done these things yesterday, but that hadn't stopped her from missing him all day. It was nothing short of remarkable how easily they'd fallen back into the physical aspects of their relationship.

They had dinner and he seemed a little distracted at first, as he could be after work sometimes. She didn't take it personally. She knew it most likely had nothing to do with her. If it did, he would tell her. He told her everything he could. She couldn't remember why she had made such a clear distinction in her mind between cop Toby and her Toby. They were one and the same person, and it was ridiculous and insulting to him and she had ever thought differently.

"I think I know," she told him quietly a while later when they were settled on the couch and she could tell that all the work-related stress had left his body.

He didn't ask about what. "You think you know? Or you know?"

"I know," she clarified, amazed at how she didn't have to go into more detail for him to catch on to what she was talking about.

He turned to her and prepared to listen, apprehension in his eyes but also determination. She could see the wheels turning in his brain. She could see his thought process where he assumed she'd let someone else kiss her because he had been selling her short on something essential. She knew he would move heaven and earth to find a way to give her what she needed from him.

If only it were that simple.

"You're the most honorable person that I know," she began quietly. "I watched you struggle to stay loyal both to me and to your job. I saw how it ate you up inside and I felt that I was the one doing this to you, causing you all this turmoil…"

She shook her head, lowering her eyes and willing herself not to cry. "Jonny's not like you are. He fit right in here in Rosewood. His morals were questionable at best and he never really thought about consequences for other people – it just didn't occur to him. And I…" She swallowed, disgusted at how petty it sounded out loud. "I guess a small part of me I wondered what it would be like to be with someone who wasn't as honorable as you. Someone I wouldn't be able to tear apart the way I felt I doing to you. It would make things so much less complicated and painful for me, and for a second I think I convinced myself it was what I wanted."

She snuck a glance at him, immediately hating herself when she saw the look on his face.

"Spencer," he said hoarsely. "I can't change who I am. I wish I could, for you. If it would make things easier, I would if I could. But I can't."

"I know that," she hastily replied. "I wouldn't want you to. Really, I wouldn't. It's one of my favorite things about you. It just… it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of you sometimes."

It occurred to her that neither Hanna nor Aria nor Emily had this problem. Caleb, while well meaning no doubt, didn't hesitate to turn a situation to his own hand; and Ezra Fitz was the biggest opportunist she had ever encountered in her life and that included her father. As for Emily… Who even knew whom she was dating these days. The one who had once tried to drown her, or the one who was married – to a man, no less.

It made Spencer feel strangely alone, especially since the last few weeks had made her realize to her horror that a majority of her friends didn't understand that aspect of Toby's personality at all. It had left her with no one to turn to.

"You're wired differently than I am," Toby's tranquil voice beckoned her back to their conversation. "Your views are a little more warped, a little more cynical…" He said it with affection. "That doesn't mean I'm a better person than you are. This world needs people like you, Spence."

She looked at him. If anyone else told her this she would have shrugged it off, almost in annoyance, but with him she believed it just a little.

"I love you," she told him with conviction. "Only you. I'll never love anyone else but you."

Toby nodded. "I believe you."

She searched his eyes carefully for confirmation, astounded when all she saw was genuinity. She couldn't fathom how it was still possible for him to trust her after what she'd done, but here he was looking at her with all the love and acceptance that she'd seen in him before.

"Do you think you can forgive me?"

She trembled now, feeling tears well up in her eyes at the fear that this could remain an issue between them for the rest of their lives. It had never occurred to her to hate Jonny for what he did but in this moment that was exactly what she felt.

He put his arms around her, and she let him. "I already have," he murmured into her hair, planting a soft kiss on her head when she sagged against him.

He held her close for a moment, then pulled back and squeezed her shoulder affectionately. "Have you heard back from Oxford?"

She shook her head. "Not yet."

"Well, I don't care if it's London or Montana or Hawaii," he stated firmly. "We'll make the best of it."

She sat very still, hardly daring to believe her ears. "We?"

He smiled at her, a little sadly. "I can't stay in Rosewood without you. The time you spent in London confirmed that for me – I will go crazy. So wherever you go, I'll follow."

Intense happiness coursed through her veins, and gratitude, and so, so much love. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him fervidly, like she was drowning and he was the air she needed to sustain herself.

They parted after a few moments of intensity, and to her own surprise Spencer started to cry. Toby's eyes widened immediately.

"What?" he demanded, aghast. "What's wrong?"

"I don't deserve you," she wailed, mortified at her waterworks but unable to stop them. "You're so amazing and incorruptible and forgiving, and sometimes I don't know why you'd even want to be with me."

"Whoa." He held up his hands. "I'm going to stop you right there, Spence. I'm going to help you gain a little perspective here, okay?"

He went on before she could even nod. "You always think everything is your fault. It's just the way you are. I know you pretty well by now, and I know the story you told me, but don't think for a second that I don't realize what went on that night."

Spencer didn't seem capable of doing anything other than closing her mouth and staring at him, her tears halted by shock if nothing else. Luckily, her boyfriend didn't seem hindered by her sudden lack of words.

"He pursued you," he continued without a moment's hesitation. "He dragged you into his illegal escapades, which, by the way, could have ended really badly for you if I hadn't been the one who responded to that call. He made a move on you when you were vulnerable, knowing it couldn't possibly go anywhere, and then he took off and left you to agonize over the mess he made. I just think it was a really shitty thing to do to you and I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Spencer. I know you considered him a friend. But he's a jerk."

She ogled him a moment longer before, inexplicably, bursting out in laughter. Toby looked a little taken aback but pleased nonetheless, and she wiped tears of hilarity or misery – she couldn't even tell anymore – out of the corners of her eyes. She laughed and laughed and laughed, unable to verbalize how unbelievably good it felt to be carefree with him like this again. It was like hot chocolate on a cold, snowy day.

"I never looked at it that way," she finally managed when her elation subsided. "But you're right. I guess he is."

His hands were on her now, and she smiled as he gently pushed her against the cushions of the couch. His body hovered over her, making Spencer sigh with bliss as his lips covered hers.

A/N: It's no problem. Really. :) I think especially during the first few months Spencer's appearance is very close to what she looked like during most of 3B. After everything she's been through, she just can't find the energy to care about what she looks like. And yeah, I don't think Toby cares either. Hair and makeup isn't what makes her beautiful to him anyway, and he's all about wanting her to be happy.