Author's note: All usual disclaimers apply. Set a few days after KTE.

As the last tape was ejected Detective Inspector Lynley sank back into the hard office chair next to his sergeant. "It's hard to believe people can do that."

Barbara looked up and nodded. Watching the tapes again had been a necessary evil but they had made her feel only more inadequate and stupid. "They were bad enough the other night when we first watched them but I actually think they are more horrendous now. She had me fooled. I really believed he was controlling her. I'm sorry I disagreed with you. I should have known to listen to you."

Tommy looked across and smiled kindly. "Don't be. We all see the evidence to believe what we want to believe at times. I've done it often enough. You're being too hard on yourself Sergeant Havers."

"Yeah, maybe or you're just too soft on me." Barbara knew that use of her rank was his way of gently reprimanding her. He rarely called her anything but Barbara these days. She was glad he was always forgiving and understanding. Most of her previous DI's would have put her in her place in no uncertain terms. She knew Lynley respected her as a detective. He was right; everyone gets it wrong sometimes. She just hated that he had seen her fail.

"Yes definitely," he said ambiguously, "now let me buy you that pint I promised you."

Barbara was tired and in many ways would have preferred to go straight home but she also did not fancy being alone. "What about some Indian at my place? I've got beer in my fridge."

Her offer caught Lynley by surprise. He had not intended to have a late night but sensed that Barbara fancied company. To be truthful so did he. Rattling around alone in his house only made him maudlin which often led to self-medication, ostensibly to sleep but in reality to block out the pain. He was improving but he had not yet forgiven himself. "Sounds good, I'll drive. I have to pick you up in the morning anyway."

They bickered as they always did over which curry and how hot. Barbara thought the hotter the better but Tommy claimed he wanted to be able to taste the subtle flavours. They settled on a medium chicken balti, lamb rogan josh, streamed rice, naan and a tub of raita for Tommy. As they sat side by side on her minuscule couch Barbara used her naan to scoop up the chicken curry and ate a mouthful of rice with it. "You know it is not correct to mix your carbohydrates," he lectured.

"What?" Barbara looked at him as if he were mad.

"Rice and naan together. It should be one or the other not both." Tommy continued to tuck into his curry using the naan to scoop it up.

He smiled as he ate and looked pompous. It annoyed Barbara who had simply wanted a relaxing evening without all this unnecessary arguing. That said she was not going to capitulate. "Says who?"

Tommy knew he had annoyed her. It had not been his intention so he needed to explain. "It's sub-continental etiquette apparently. I read that..."

Barbara was beginning to get angry with him. "Rot. Azhar never objected and he was from Pakistan. Anyway who cares? I like rice AND naan."

"Do you miss him?" Lynley's tone was suddenly soft and caring and it took Barbara by surprise.

"Who?"

"Azhar. I always wondered if you were well, you know." Why would she have followed him to Essex if she had not been attracted to him? He had asked her at the time and she had denied it but he had seen her lonely, wistful look.

"No, we were not 'you know'. I was friends with Hadiyyah. When you got married I sort of thought he might be interesting but then you turned up at Balford-le-nez and we saved Hadiyyah but nothing happened." Because you turned up and reminded me of exactly what I couldn't have!

Tommy looked up. There was an almost vitriolic accusation in there but he was not sure if her bitterness related to him turning up or Azhar not acting. "You say that as if I were to blame. I hope there was nothing I did that caused any issues. I would've liked to see you happy."

Barbara sighed; she could never explain. "Nah, Mr Ego. It was nothing you did. Azhar was only interested in being friends."

Tommy remained unconvinced. Barbara had shaken her head a little too much and her face was flushed. He knew he shared some culpability, perhaps frightening Azhar off. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I was looking for something for the wrong reasons. It worked out for the best. Why did you come anyway?"

"I told you. We came back early because of Helen's sister and I was bored so I..."

"You could have gone with Helen to Cambridge or gone down to Cornwall. You didn't have to come to Essex to check up on me."

Tommy was unsure whether to tell her the truth but it hardly mattered now. Half the truth should suffice. "I was worried you'd like it there and want to stay. I thought if I went down it might make you realise we were a team and you'd come back to me."

Barbara's gaping stare made Tommy uncomfortable. Her silence was worse than if she yelled at him and to break it he added awkwardly, "and I'd missed you while I was away."

Barbara was genuinely lost for words. A man on his honeymoon misses his work partner so much after ten days that he prefers to see her rather than his family. It did not sound right. She knew Lynley too well to accept that line. "Did you regret marrying Helen even then?"

She knew him too well. Tommy swallowed hard wondering how Indian carbohydrates had led to this uncomfortable conversation but now they were here there was no point in lying. "Yes. I think I regretted it before we were married. I liked the idea of it. Helen seemed ideal and I thought I loved her but there was always something missing. I was not over the moon in the way I should have been. Neither was Helen. There was no passion only companionship and that is deadly to a young marriage. I knew when she insisted on coming home and me not going to Cambridge that she wanted breathing space."

"Oh Sir, I'm sorry. You sounded so upbeat and enthusiastic about marriage when we were there."

"I was trying to convince myself I think. Besides if I told you the truth it might have...put you off chasing Azhar. I wanted you to find happiness Barbara."

"But still stay as your partner." It was not a question.

"Yes." Tommy felt sheepish. He had gone to Barbara because she was his safe haven. When he thought she was interested in Azhar he had been conflicted. He did want her to be happy but he also wanted her loyalty to be his, not another man's. He was married and had no right to stop her finding love; he could not offer that to her but he was not prepared to let her go either. He still was not sure what had been worse - discovering that he was having a child that would tie him to Helen forever or thinking that Barbara was going to resign and leave him. "I'm sorry if turning up like that put Azhar off."

"It put me off," she retorted venomously, "but if you hadn't Hadiyyah would be dead, so it was for the best."

Tommy put his curry on the coffee table and smiled softly. "If you hadn't shot Barlow I'd be dead too."

"Yeah, my two best friends gone instantly. I had no choice. I could never have lived with myself if you had drowned." Barbara had lost her appetite and put her almost empty plate next to the one Tommy had discarded. She hated the way this conversation was going, worried that she would let the truth slip. She had worked hard all these years to ensure he never suspected how utterly smitten and emotionally dependent on him she had become.

Her voice cracked with emotion making Tommy look up. Unwanted tears welled in her eyes and he could see she was fighting to quell them. She sat forward on the couch resting her elbows on her knees. He wanted to reach out and kiss her but he hesitated. Barbara was not the sort of person you could pick up casually and put down. If he kissed her it would have to be because he loved her and wanted to spend his life with her. At this moment he did but would he feel that way tomorrow? He had being debating this question for weeks; thinking he knew the answer but too scared to get it wrong like he had with Helen. So Tommy did the safe thing and hugged her shoulder.

His warm, familiar reassurance was comforting but her mind went back to the time he had held her fully in his arms and soothed her. The stress of this case was bubbling to the surface. She wanted to feel those arms again. She gave into her need and turned to him and buried her face into his shoulder. His arms swung around her automatically and he held her safe. He pressed his cheek onto her head and rubbed her back gently. Barbara lost her fear and just relaxed into his caress and let her arms slip around him.

Tommy slowly leaned back against the sofa. Barbara tucked her legs up onto the seat and nestled into him. He had been more comfortable but he had never felt more needed. He murmured incoherently hoping just the sound of his voice would help. He did not trust himself with words fearing that he would blurt out the truth. He knew that was exactly what he felt underneath all those layers of confused emotions, he loved her more than he had loved anyone. He loved everything about her; her strength, her vulnerability, her trust in him, her beautiful face that she tried hard to hide. It was dangerous and in some ways awkward and inconvenient but it was also the truth and he felt wonderful and free.

Sleep crept up on them and it was only when Barbara's phone rang a little after six the next morning that either of them stirred. With muttered apologies Barbara jumped up and searched for her phone. It took a few moments for Tommy to recognise the time and the situation. He rubbed his back and wished he had suggested they move to her bed. He could hear Barbara talking but could not work out what was being said. He looked up expectantly when she returned.

"That was the care home. Mum..."

Tommy could see tears in her eyes and immediately feared the worst. "Barbara?"

"She...she slipped away about an hour ago...stro-ke they think."

"Oh Barbara, I'm so, so sorry." Tommy stepped forward and enveloped her in his arms. He held her tightly and let her cry in big guilt-laden, wracking sobs. He had no idea how long they stood there but he did not care. Barbara needed him and he was there for her. In some ways he felt helpless but understood that being here was exactly what Barbara needed. It was far better for her to get it out of her system than suppress her guilt and grief in the same self-destructive way he had done. All thoughts of romance vanished; that could wait. At the moment Barbara needed her best friend. He knew the next few weeks were going to be tough on both of them.