Wicked Plan
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Preheat ovens to death!
Roy Mustang looked at the expense report that Edward Elric had submitted to him.
"Toys?"
"Sir?" Riza Hawkeye asked, looking up from her own paperwork.
"It seems that Fullmetal has been spending money on toys and wants us to reimburse him again. Remind me again why we keep a child in our ranks," the Lieutenant Colonel asked with a sigh.
"Because he's a great alchemist that impressed the judges during his final exam," a voice replied from the doorway.
"Yes he's a good alchemist. Though don't you think that it would be better if he were more grown up?" Roy asked his visitor with an infuriating smirk.
"…" the short blonde youth seethed. "I'm old enough to risk my life for the state, aren't I?"
"Touché, Fullmetal, but that still doesn't excuse you from spending government funds on toys," Mustang countered.
Riza Hawkeye's sigh at the impending testosterone fuelled conflict caused the young alchemist to shrug. Realising that there was little he could say or do to appease the womanising officer sitting behind the desk, Ed cast an apologetic look at the blonde Lieutenant who smiled in reply.
'Edward's getting more and more disrespectful. Perhaps I should give him a challenge? But what…I know!' Roy smiled. "I wish you would consider your position as a State Alchemist, Elric. We can't afford to be seen spending funds on toy and comics. We're not going to pay this invoice."
"What? You gotta be kidding me!" the Fullmetal Alchemist protested. "I can't afford to pay that bill!"
"You should have thought about that before you ordered all these items," Mustang chided.
"Sir, they were to help him recuperate in hospital," Riza added, hoping to avoid trouble.
"I'm well aware of the need to keep your mind occupied when you're in hospital, Lieutenant Hawkeye, I'm referring to the titles of the publications that Mr. Elric selected."
"… Sir?" the blonde officer asked.
"I'm talking about 'Best of Both Worlds', 'Fullset Alchemist', 'Trap Spotting,' and 'Beasts and Blades,'" Roy explained. "Do you want me to tell you what these are about?"
"ACK!" Edward yelped in panic. "No, it's ok, I don't need you to pay for those!"
"Hmm," the Flame Alchemist looked on. "Everyone, would you mind taking a break for a short while? There's something that I want to discuss with Edward in private."
"Ok," the group agreed, though they started to feel bad for the teenaged alchemist.
"And make sure that Alphonse is with you."
"Yes, Sir," Havoc saluted.
When the door was closed, Mustang beckoned his embarrassed subordinate closer. "Care to explain what you were doing with THOSE kinds of magazines, Mr. Elric?"
"I kinda bought them by mistake. They didn't have covers that let you really know what they're about and with a title like 'Trap Spotting' I thought it was about spotting and disarming booby traps," the shamefaced blonde replied.
"And 'Beasts and Blades'?"
"Action comics, not that kind of sickness it had in it," Ed insisted with a shudder.
"Ah yes," Roy smirked insufferably, "Beasts and Blades, the premier bestiality and blood-sports magazine in this country. Did you like the 'It's a Lion: Let's See Where This is Going?' feature? It's quite the eye-opener."
The younger alchemist paled at the memory.
"I'm not going to tell people what you ordered. I'll cover the costs of these on one condition."
"W-what's that?" Ed looked up, hoping that he'd finally be able to put this sordid episode behind him.
Walking towards his hapless victim, the Flame Alchemist clapped a hand on Ed's good shoulder. "I need you for a special mission. It's top secret, so secret that event the Fuehrer doesn't know about it."
"What's that?"
"I need some intelligence gathering on a specific member of my staff. I can't just come out and ask them for this information, you understand," Roy lied effortlessly. "If you can get what I need to know, then I'll make this go away and it'll prove that I can trust you."
"I'll do what I can, Mustang," Ed replied, standing up straight. "You know that."
"Good. Now, I want you to keep this a secret from everyone, including your brother," Roy said calmly. When he received a nod of acknowledgement, he continued. "I need you to find out Lieutenant Hawkeye's three sizes and what kind of clothes she likes to wear when she's not on duty."
"Ok… but what three sizes?" the blonde asked in confusion.
"Her bust, waist and hips, didn't you read any of those magazines properly? And here I was thinking that you're ready to become a man," the Lt. Colonel sighed. "I guess you are still a child, after all."
"Hey," Ed protested. "I can get what you want, I just don't know how to go about it."
"Well, for that, you need to leave your brother at home. As much as I like Alphonse, he's not suited for your clandestine task. You'll need to sneak into Lieutenant Hawkeye's apartment and look through her clothes to see what size she is. You'll need to make a note of what size she wears for what sort of outfit."
The Fullmetal Alchemist had a bad feeling about this "secret mission" of his. "Are you sure about this? I mean, if she catches me going through her stuff, she'll skin me alive!"
"The best way for you to make it through this unharmed is to not get caught. By the way, if you can get a photo or two of the contents of her underwear drawer, then you can consider yourself the recipient of a commendation," Roy added, unable to maintain eye contact with his subordinate.
"But why all this hassle?"
"Because I want to surprise her with the gift of an elegant dress so we can go out for an evening or two," the Flame Alchemist explained. "What? Don't you find Hawkeye attractive?"
"It's not that," Ed insisted. "It's just that why don't you ask her yourself so you can get a dress made up for her?"
"Ask a woman what size she is? Are you insane, Elric?"
"No, I just never had a girlfriend."
A knock at the door cut off any further explanation from the Lieutenant Colonel.
"Enter," Mustang called out.
"Ah, Lt. Col. Mustang, I need to ask your opinion on something," Maes Hughes said with his usual goofy expression on his face.
"I'll get going on that thing, Mustang," Ed said, hoping to avoid pictures of the Intelligence Officer's daughter being thrust into his face.
Edward looked rather sad as he trudged through the corridors to the mess hall.
Although he didn't have much of an appetite, he usually thought better on a full stomach.
Sighing as he sat down with his lamb stew and bread, the alchemist was surprised to see Alexander Louis Armstrong stride over to him.
"What's up, Edward?" the muscle-bound man asked with his usual level of concern.
"It's nothing, Armstrong," Fullmetal replied with a weak smile.
The Strong Arm Alchemist didn't believe that for a second. "You shouldn't be so glum, Edward. You have the fires of youth burning within you, you should be forging your way in this world, not moping around here. Tell me your problem, and I'll do what I can to help you."
"It's kinda embarrassing," the teenager replied, hoping that his burly protector would take the hint and leave him alone.
"Nonsense, Edward, believe it or not, I was your age too. I know what you're going through with your changing body. You're probably noticing girls in a different way now."
"…" Elric looked at the hulk sitting next to him in disbelief. "That's not what I meant."
"Oh. Well, still, perhaps I can help you with your problem," Armstrong smiled. "What is it that's causing you trouble? Is it a moral dilemma?"
"Yeah," the gold-eyed alchemist nodded. "I mean, I kinda have this thing that I have to do, but it's not nice. It's not killing anyone or anything, it's just well, if they find out who did it, they'll skin me alive."
"I see, well, oh, hello, Lt. Colonel Mustang," the muscle-man greeted, standing up. "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I was just out for a walk," the smirking man explained. He turned towards the highly embarrassed youth. "Edward, you do recall what I said earlier, don't you?"
"Yeah, it's just that I don't know how to go about it."
"Well, if you come to my office at 3.30 this afternoon, I'll give you a proper briefing. Remember what I said about secrecy," Mustang added with a point of his right index finger.
"Yes, sir," Elric muttered. 'That smug bastard, I can't believe I'm in this mess. Why couldn't they tell me what sort of magazines they were when I was buying them?'
At half-past three, Edward Elric knocked on the door to Roy Mustang's office.
"Enter, Fullmetal."
The young alchemist sighed but did as he was told. Walking the walk of a condemned man, he walked up to the desk.
"Ah, Edward, I'm glad that you've not completely lost your timekeeping skills. Here's what you need for your mission," Mustang said in his usual mocking manner, "Pad, pen, pencil for back up and this camera."
"That's a camera? It's so… small."
"Yes, I thought that you'd appreciate something a little closer to your own size," the Lt. Colonel teased.
Edward somehow managed to refrain from jumping over the desk and throttling his superior.
"It's an experimental design, Edward. It's been developed for our Intelligence Division," the black haired man explained. "Major Hughes has already tested its functionality as a camera, I just need to make sure that it works in the field. You WILL be bringing this back in one piece as it's our only working prototype."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," the blonde rolled his eyes. "Now, is there anything else?"
The Flame Alchemist smirked his infamous smirk. "This is Lt. Hawkeye's address. You might want to get this out the way as soon as possible."
"I'll do it now," Ed replied as he pocketed the piece of paper with his target's address on. "Will you keep Al from hearing about this?"
"He's not ready for such things," Roy said in an uncharacteristically sage-like tone. "Now go, before the others come back and start asking questions."
"Sir," the blonde alchemist saluted before pocketing the items necessary for his mission.
Edward Elric walked up to Riza Hawkeye's apartment and tried the front door.
"Of course she's going to lock it, moron," he said to himself when he was unable to walk straight in. "I need to think about this: she's going to notice a big hole in her front door or a broken window, so just breaking in is out."
A few thoughts turned themselves into a plan and Ed realised what tools he had to work with. "But I can quite easily transmute the glass so I can sneak in and change it back so no-one notices."
Walking around to the rear of the building, the Fullmetal Alchemist missed Riza Hawkeye returning from work.
"You're back early, Riza," an elderly woman called out from behind her well manicured rosebush. "Is everything alright?"
"Hello Mrs. Wilson," the blonde smiled back. "Everything's fine – they let us out early today."
"That's nice."
Clapping his hands together, Ed placed them on a large pane of glass and made a hole large enough for him to crawl through. Shooting a glance at his entry point, he made the decision to close it up, lest anyone see that someone was inside.
Scanning the rooms as he came across them, the alchemist quickly found his target – the bedroom of one Riza Hawkeye.
Opening the door, Ed noticed that it was all very neatly organised, much like the owner of the house.
"Let's get this over with," he sighed as he opened the closet and started to search through all the hanging dresses for sizes marked on the labels.
"Right, this nice blue dress is a '10'. Wait, is that 10 for the hips, waist or the chest?" the teenager asked in confusion. "I better get some more numbers, or Mustang'll complain."
After writing the dress size down in the pad, Ed turned his attention to the spare uniform next to it. Again, it failed to yield the expected results, but the blonde persisted, hoping for something that would stop his superior officer embarrassing him further.
Sighing, the Fullmetal Alchemist realised that he had no other choice but to take out the camera and photograph the contents of the lieutenant's underwear drawer.
Opening the top right drawer in the mahogany dresser, Edward was feeling rather guilty about the invasion of privacy but also a bit curious as to what sort of person Riza was when it came to her private life.
"She seems so cool and mysterious, but there must be more to her than just being a crack shot with those guns of hers," the teenager mused as he started to look through the contents of the drawer. After thirty seconds, he realised that it wasn't what Roy was after and moved onto the next drawer.
Elsewhere in the house, the homeowner returned and put her keys on the table in the hallway. It was then that her suspicions were aroused.
'Something's not right here.'
Pulling out her trusty sidearm, she checked that there was a round loaded and flicked the safety catch off.
"Whoever it is here in my house invading my privacy, you better be ready to taste lead," she declared mentally as she started to stalk her prey.
It was the third drawer the Ed searched that provided him with what he was looking for.
Reaching in, the blonde alchemist pulled out a pair of simple plain white cotton panties.
"Ok, well let's see if this will make Flambé Boy happy," he said as laid out the undergarment on the bed to take photos of it. "Better get some of these others, too."
Ed continued to lay out the selection of lingerie, which included a tasteful peach camisole and something that looked rather more daring than the rest of the goods.
Outside her bedroom, Riza heard the sounds of someone inside and peered through the crack between the door and the jamb.
'Edward? What's he doing here? And what's he taking photos of? That little pervert…' she thought with a growl.
Deciding that now was the time to put a stop to this debauchery, the blonde lieutenant kicked the door open.
"Hello there!"
Edward turned to see a rather angry looking woman pointing a pistol at his head.
"L-l-lieutenant Hawkeye! What are you doing here?"
"That's my question for you, Elric. Now, care to explain why you're holding my underwear in one hand and a camera in the other?" the irate officer asked, her aim not wavering.
"I can explain!" Edward insisted.
"That I'd like to hear," Riza said as she holstered her pistol and walked over to the invader. She grabbed the displayed pieces of lingerie and put it back in the drawer, not caring about them getting wrinkled.
"Edward Elric, I like you," she said as she turned to the teenager before her. "I think you're generally a decent person, but if I don't get a proper explanation as to why you're here in my house taking photos of my underwear, I'm going to remove your private parts with a bacon-slicer one sliver at a time. Is that understood?"
"Yes ma'am," the alchemist squeaked.
"Good, now start at the beginning."
"It was when I was in hospital," Ed began his story, though he was speaking rather more quickly than usual. "I bought some magazine, but I didn't know what they were about and I musta put the receipt for them in with the expense report."
"What were they about?" the officer asked calmly.
"Theyweredirtymagazines," the younger blonde replied quickly, hoping to get this over with as soon as possible.
"And they gave you the idea of breaking into my house and rooting through my underwear?"
"Yes," Ed lied, nodding vigorously.
Riza put a hand on the alchemist's shoulder. "I see, so you're just a confused young man who's trying to deal with his new urges? Well, normally, I'd cut a man's balls off for this stunt, but you get kicked in them first for lying to me."
The teenager collapsed as the woman introduced her right knee to his genitals.
"Shall we try that again? Why are you here in my home acting like a pervert?"
"M-mustang…" Edward whimpered. "H-he ordered me to do it or he'd tell people about the magazines…"
"So it seems that you'd rather be known as a panty thief than someone who reads dirty magazines?" the lieutenant asked. "For some reason, I think that there's more to this than you're telling me. What were those magazines called and what were they about?"
"'Best of Both Worlds', 'Fullset Alchemist', 'Trap Spotting,' and 'Beasts and Blades,'" the alchemist answered, his face red with embarrassment as he explained what the publications were about.
"I see, well I can understand why you'd want that to be kept quite. Still," the blonde woman said as she helped her prisoner up to his feet, "you are in a lot of trouble. So is a certain Lieutenant Colonel."
Ed winced at the dark expression on Riza's face. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't want to do this, but I didn't have any choice."
"What would you do in my place, Ed?" Riza asked. "You need to be punished, but it's not entirely your fault."
"I…I'll do what ever you want, Lieutenant," Fullmetal said in a soft tone of voice. "Just please keep this quiet."
"Anything I want, eh? Well, what if I decided that I want a slave? Are you going to wait on me hand and foot? Cater to my every whim?" the blonde officer asked, her arms folded across her chest. "No matter how degrading it is?"
Ed looked at his feet. "Y-y-yes."
"Alright then, you can start by calling me 'Mistress' or 'Ma'am.' You got that?" Riza asked with an evil look on her face.
"Y-yes, Mistress."
"We're off to a good start. Your first task is to clean the toilet, Edward. Now, once that's done, we'll go over the rules."
"Yes, Mistress."
"And no alchemy," Riza ordered.
"Yes, Ma'am."
The next day, Roy looked at the envelope that had been placed on his desk.
"Hmm, what's this? 'To Mustang, here's what you wanted, Ed,'" the Flame Alchemist read aloud. "Ah, let's see what you found out for me, Fullmetal!"
The raven haired man broke the red wax seal, barely able to keep his drooling under control as he say the notebook with Riza's sizes written on.
"I knew she was hiding a nice figure under that uniform of hers."
Then the lecherous man came across the "good stuff" – actual photographs of Lieutenant Hawkeye's lingerie.
Roy cycled through the pictures; first up was the white cotton panties. "Simple, yet tastefully practical."
"Now we're getting interesting," he said as he came across the silken camisole and matching panties.
Next up was the scandalous piece of black lace. "Oh my," Mustang murmured as he started to drool as the mental image of his lieutenant dressed in such enticing unmentionables.
Then he saw the next image. This time it was Riza undressing.
"Fullmetal, there are no words that can praise you enough for this."
The next image had Riza reclining on her bed and picking up a book.
"Edward Elric, you magnificent bastard, I'll have you up for a commendation for this," Mustang enthused. "Wait a minute, is she looking directly at the camera?"
Flicking through the next lot of photos, the Flame Alchemist's heart sank as he saw Edward Elric in frame with his subordinate.
"What the hell?" he yelled at the empty office. "That rat bastard!"
The penultimate image in the report had Riza and Ed engaged in a rather passionate embrace, their hands exploring each other's body as they kissed.
The final image was that of a note, written in Riza's own handwriting.
"Dear Lieutenant Colonel Mustang,
It is with great joy that I announce my relationship with Edward Elric. I hope that you can be happy for us in these turbulent times.
I will continue to work for you, though I would appreciate it if you would keep your lecherous comments to yourself, as I am not that kind of woman.
Best wishes,
Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye"
"WHAT THE HELL!?!"
Outside his office, two blondes were trying to hold back their laughter at the expense of their commanding officer.
"What's up, you two?" Major Hughes asked as he approached his friends.
"Nothing, it's a private joke, right Edward?" Riza asked.
"Yeah," the alchemist nodded, "a private joke. You want to get a cup of coffee, Riza? My treat."
"How can I say no to that?"
The End
This was: pre-read by Chi Vayne; started on Saturday the 22nd of December and finished on Tuesday the 26th of the very same month.
There is also a more adult version on Hawk's forum.
If you have to ask where that is, perhaps you are not ready to read such things?