Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor anything else related to the show.
A/N: begins shortly following the events of "An Evil Within," AU/AH after. Can be read as either one-sided or pre-Claudia/Jinks. If this seems familiar to any of you, it's because I'm in the process of moving some of my fics (both Claudia/Jinks & Claudia/Fargo) fics from tumblr to FFN.
- followed by italics = text messages
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Claudia and Jinks haven't spoken to one another since their conversation on the patio the day before because Claudia totally gets that Steve needs time to deal with having been dead but hopefully he'll get over it and forgive her sooner or later. Preferably sooner. If the tables were turned, if their roles were reversed, if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd probably be going through exactly what he is and she'd need and want a little time and space too.
The soft rapping on the door frame catches her off guard, startling her, and Claudia spins around, away from the computer monitors. She relaxes, grinning. "Hey, Jinksy."
"Hey," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He clears his throat. "I, uh, I am going on a sabbatical. Well, it's more like a pilgrimage actually."
Her smile falters. "What?"
He sounds almost lighthearted when he starts, his tone growing more somber as he continues. "I've always wanted to meet the Dalai Lama. And I need to find myself again. I was dead, Claudia, for a few days. That's not just something you bounce back from, at least, it's not something that I can just bounce back from. I don't know if I'm the same person that I was before I died. I need to find that out and I can't do that if I just resume working at the Warehouse as if nothing happened."
Claudia bobs her head and sort of shrugs. "So, you're what, taking a couple weeks off?"
Jinks looks down and sighs. "Mrs. Frederic and the Regents have approved for me to take an indefinite leave of absence. Because of the metronome, I'm required to check in with them at regularly scheduled intervals and I'll have a tracking device of some sort on me at all times. Artie already knows but I haven't told anyone else yet."
She blinks back the tears because how in the world is this fair? Oh, that's right, it's not. She just got him back and now she's losing him again?
"When are you leaving?"
He looks up at her. "Tomorrow afternoon."
"Steve..." She can't even begin to hide her heartbreak. "Are you mad at me?"
His eyes are full of sadness and regret and there's pain as well. "I'm not mad at you, Claud. Yes, I am a little upset that you didn't tell me the truth immediately but, I guess between being dead and being alive, I'd rather be alive even though I know that I shouldn't be. It's a lot to deal with. Plus, being controlled by an artifact... I don't know what kind of person Marcus was before the metronome brought him back and kept him alive. What if he was one of the good guys in his first life? His natural life?"
Claudia shakes her head. "No, you could never be like Marcus or Sykes. You are so much better...you have the biggest heart of anyone that I have ever met, Steve. You are and always will be better than good."
He gives her a small sad smile. "It's nice to see that you still have faith in me. Unfortunately, I don't have faith in myself right now...not as much I should to feel comfortable staying at the B&B with everyone, especially you, when I'm afraid that I may end up hurting one of you. I need to make sure that I'm not going to be a danger to anyone that I care about. I know that you understand, Claudia."
"You know I do, Jinksy." She frowns, staring at her hands in her lap for several seconds. "Promise me that you'll come back?"
Now it's his turn to look away from her for a moment. "I can't promise that, Claud. Not if it turns out that I'm only going to end up hurting you. Any of you."
She's absolutely stunned. No, this is not...no. He can't stay away forever. He has to come back.
She sniffles. "Will you at least take my phone calls?"
Jinks looks so torn. "Yeah, Claud, of course. But, just, maybe give me about a week or so after I leave to find some balance before you start bombarding me with texts and voice mails, okay?"
She snorts. "Yeah, okay."
"I don't want to leave, Claudia, but I have to. Until I'm sure."
"You promise that you'll keep in touch this time? Because, you know that if you don't that I'm going to come after you."
He cracks a smile. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you. And I promise."
Claudia nods.
As they say their goodbyes the next day, Claudia holds on to Jinks as tightly as she did when he started breathing again two days earlier. She is terribly reluctant to let him go and he squeezes her a little tighter and gives her a kiss on the cheek. She waves and forces a smile.
"He'll be back," everyone assures her. "You two will be hunting down artifacts together in no time."
Claudia manages to wait six days before sending him a text because, technically, Jinks said to give it about a week before calling or texting and it's just one day short of being a full week, so close enough.
- "Kind of missing you already. Like a lot."
She imagines Jinks smiling as he reads her message then gazing out at the scenery or glancing around wherever he is before replying.
- "I miss you too. And it hasn't been a week yet." "Six days."
She can practically hear him snorting and see him shaking his head.
- "Close enough, huh?"
- "You know me too well. TTYL Jinksy."
- "Later Claud. :-)"
It's not nearly as bad as when Jinks was undercover but that's mostly because he's still talking to her. She always keeps her phone by her, ringer on, so that she won't miss any of his calls or texts. She keeps hoping that the next one he'll tell her that he's coming back.
Claudia hopes and she waits.
"You haven't turned into a homicidal maniac yet have you?" she asks Jinks one night after he has been gone a few weeks.
"No, I have not and I'm pretty sure that if I had, that's probably not something that I would share with anybody. Not even you," he says on the other end of the phone with a chuckle.
She takes a deep breath. "Have you found yourself yet?"
Are you coming home soon?
"I'm getting there, Claud. I'm still trying to figure some things out."
"Still trying to reach a higher spiritual plane?"
"Something like that. There's something that you should know, Claudia."
She can tell from his tone that she's not going to like whatever it is and she doesn't want to hear it. Still she says, "Shoot."
He's hesitant. "I'm still not completely comfortable being dependent on the metronome."
She doesn't ask and he doesn't offer but the implication that he is considering asking the Regents to stop the metronome is there.
As desperate as she is for him to return, now she has to worry that when he does come back, that it'll be to say good-bye. Because he wouldn't just die without telling her goodbye first, not if he knows that he's going to die.
The realization that she is head over heels but crazy in love with Steve Jinks (which doesn't surprise her that much because it totally makes sense that she is and explains a lot) wakes her up one night and all she can think is that she just wants him back. She wants him to be there with her, even if he's not with her, she just wants him near and not off searching for enlightenment because she knows that he is not and never could be a danger to anyone.
"Everyday I step outside and it just takes my breath away. You should see it, Claud; there's this one waterfall..."
She can hear the smile in his voice as he talks about the beauty of McLeod Ganj, Dharamshala, and hiking and rock climbing, studying and meditating amongst other Buddhists. He sounds so content and at peace, like he's once again found a joy and purpose in his life again. She can't bring herself to even hint at him coming back. She doesn't want to upset his balance. Even if it keeps him away longer, at least, hopefully, it'll keep him from making any decision she'll regret regarding the metronome.
It's the stupidest thing when she starts blubbering, tears spilling from her eyes, as soon as they hang up because he's happy off in India playing the part of a Tibetan Buddhist monk and could care less about the Warehouse or the fact that she needs him.
And okay, sure, maybe she shouldn't be the most important person or thing in his life but she brought him back from the dead and if he doesn't know that he's at the top of her most important list then he should at least have an idea that he's pretty damn close to the top. And shouldn't he know that she loves him? Because, yeah, you don't just bring anyone back from the dead. That's intense emotion. That's an intense connection.
Screw being one with the universe, he just needs to be a part of her universe. In her orbit. Really close orbit.
What if he never comes back? What if he decides to legitimately become a Buddhist monk? No, he couldn't. Even if he did, it's not like the Regents would allow that, not with an artifact keeping him alive. Would they?
"No. He has to come back," Claudia insists to herself. "He has to. And he's going to, but because he wants to. He has to want to."
Claudia looks at the wallpaper on her phone, a picture of her and Jinks.
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't...well, he was never really mine to begin with."
Even though he's not hers, he came back to her once and he'll come back to her again. He'll come home. It's where he belongs; not with her necessarily but at the Warehouse. It's where they all belong.
- "Have you achieved nirvana yet?" "Claudia, if I wait until I reach nirvana, I may never come back." "Oh. That's a relief, I guess."
It's the first time that Jinks has ever mentioned returning and it gives her hope.
- "Find the missing portion of your soul? Did it turn out to be a horcrux?"
- "Ha ha, no. And I don't think you understand how horcruxes are made. I would've had to kill someone, not be killed."
- "Right. And I'm guessing you're probably not a horcrux."
- "Sometimes I wonder about you."
- "Wonder what?"
- "Never mind; it doesn't matter. Talk to you soon, Claud."
- "Catch ya later, Jinksy."
She's pretty sure that she should be more considerate of the time zone differences but Jinks never seems to mind when she calls or texts him while she's bored doing grunt work around the Warehouse.
Talking to Jinks on the phone, she props her feet up on the desk in Artie's office and hisses in pain.
"Are you okay?"
She rubs her ankle. "Yeah, I'm fine. I think I must've rolled or twisted my ankle earlier."
"You don't remember?"
"Well, you know chasing people and artifacts your adrenaline gets pumping, or if you're, say, tinkering with things that Artie would rather you didn't tinker with, perhaps in aisles he's told you to stay out of, and trying to make sure you don't get caught when you hear someone coming, sometimes you're in such a hurry that you don't notice when you get hurt. And it doesn't hurt that much. It's just that if I move it the wrong way, I get this sharp pain. It's not that bad."
"Which ankle?"
"Left."
Jinks sounds a bit preoccupied for the rest of their conversation and Claudia wonders if he's trying to distant himself from her and the pain of that possibility hurts a helluva lot worse than her ankle.
She starts trying to meditate and become more grounded and focused because maybe it'll help her miss Jinks a little less and make it easier to get over him. Or to at least focus on the fact that they are the most fantastic BFFEs ever. Except it turns out that she kind of sucks at meditating but she's pretty awesome at the physical aspects of yoga. And that does help her take her mind off of Jinks some when she's not busy with the Warehouse, whether snagging artifacts or doing inventory or research.
Claudia wants to tell Jinks, "You know, the sooner you get back, the more field work I get to do. I hate being a pencil-pushing gopher."
Instead, she says, "I lack the discipline for meditation."
"Well, if you're serious about it, I can try to help you out."
She waits for him to add, when he gets back. He doesn't. She needles, "That's a little difficult what with you being thousands of miles away, dontcha think?"
It goes right over his head. "Claud, nothing is difficult for you if you just put your mind to it."
"Oh, stop it. No, but, please, feel free to continue flattering me."
Serious, he asks, "How are you, Claudia?"
She groans into the phone, "Did someone tell you about my phantom pains?"
"Well..."
"Really, don't worry about me, I'm fine, just falling apart at way too young an age."
"I do worry about you, Claud. I can't help it."
"Well, I worry about you too, Jinks."
She reminds herself at times that she's not a girlfriend missing her boyfriend - she's a girl missing her best friend, and that's it. Friends can love each other. She had totally misinterpreted her own feelings for him. It's a platonic love she has for him; the same as she's pretty sure he has for her. (She's not positive that he's in platonic love with her because if he was, wouldn't he not be able to stay away? Unless platonic love does allow for some ease and comfort with distance. In which case, Claudia's screwed.)
Perhaps she'll feel differently when he gets back. It could just be the distance and missing him. She misses him so much.
- "I miss you, Claud."
- "Well, there's a pretty quick and simple way to fix that, Jinksy."
- "I know."
- "Okay. I miss you too, Steve."
Claudia just wants to know that he's planning on coming back. And an ETA would be grand as well.
It would be nice to know.
She debates calling Jinks and just flat out asking if and when she should expect to see his face because this is getting ridiculous. He's been away for too long.
Claudia wrinkles her nose then sighs, sliding her phone across the table. She pulls the phone back closer and spins it around. She picks her phone up, shoving it in her pocket as she gets up. She drives back to the B&B, feeling a little depressed.
She starts towards the kitchen to grab a snack.
"Hey."
"'Sup, Jinksy?" Claudia stops and does a double take, looking just this side of dumbfounded by his presence in the living room. "You're back."
He's amused by her reaction. "I was actually kinda of expecting a little more excitement. Maybe even a hug. Unless you didn't want me to come." He starts to turn, gesturing towards the door, "I mean, I can go..."
Claudia breaks free of her shock, and flies across the room with such speed and force that Jinks stumbles backwards as she throws her arms around his neck and he wraps his arms around her.
"Don't you dare," she says, holding onto to him for dear life.
"Okay, I won't."
They stand there for a couple of minutes, just holding onto each other tightly, and it feels so good to have Jinks back. And for good. Unless...
Claudia lowers her arms and takes a step back. "You are staying this time, right?"
Jinks smiles at her. "Yeah, Claud, I'm staying."
The giddiness bubbles up within her and she grins, bouncing, squealing, and hugs him again, a shorter hug this time.
"You have no idea how much I missed you. I mean, I know I told you all the time but, you have no idea. This place hasn't been the same without you and neither has the Warehouse. Splitting cases being partnered with Myka and Pete, and once in a blue moon with Methuselah, it's been fun and interesting but please say you're going to be ready to jump right back to work. Please?"
Claudia manages to keep, 'By the way, I'm totally in love with you. FYI,' from slipping in.
"One thing at a time, one day at a time. I can't say that I'm going to be ready to take a case tomorrow. Definitely by the end of the week." Steve furrows his brow, glancing down. "We have a lot to talk about, Claudia."
"About the metronome?"
"That's a big part of it."
"Yeah, okay," she says nodding her head. "I'm still not sorry."
"I know. Claud?"
"Yeah?"
Steve walks over to her, leans over, and places a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you. For bringing me back."
Her grin widens. "Anytime, Jinksy. You know I'd do anything for you."
"Yeah, I do. And I'd do the same for you; you know that, right?"
She rolls her eyes. "Duh."
"Good."
Claudia grabs his hand and gives him a kiss on the cheek. "You're my best friend."
He just stares at her for a moment before, something foreign in his eyes. "You're mine, too, Claud."